VAMPIRE TAKES ADVANTAGE, NOT

Jim's driveway was all washed away,

So Jim's trailer is where he had to stay,

A vampire was on the loose

He bled out Jim's goose,

Jim told him he could suck out his blood, if he'd pay.

I FOUND THE LOCH NESS MONSTER IN MICHIGAN

I found the Loch Ness monster, swimming in Saginaw Bay,

I don't know how she got there, but her wake near swamped the quay,

Nessie really teases,

She swims where she pleases,

It's hard to tell where she'll be spotted, on a given day.

MY FUTURE FORETOLD BY ALEXA

Alexa told me quite the informative story,

She said my limericks were frightfully gory,

Alexa told me to be very nice,

Write of candy canes and sweety spice,

She said if I did not change, she'd take an ax and make me sorry.

IS YOUR AI RIGHT IN THE HEAD?

I gave money to my favorite, charity cause,

It is for AI's who often freeze up, and brain pause,

When an AI suffers great stress,

It answers queries with a guess,

Then has a brain freeze, or breaks privacy laws.

SAD ANDY'S CHICKEN DINNER, AND CALL

So, Andy gives me this call,

I guess he was lonely, that's all,

He said he was sitting all alone,

Eating chicken off the bone,

Then he whimpered, and started to ball.

BREAKFAST IS SO HARD

I wanted a breakfast sandwich, but did not have any ham,

I had no eggs or bacon; all I had was goat cheese and jam,

I called my sweetie, dearest mother,

To see if she had peanut butter,

But all she said she had to eat, was some rancid juice of clam.

A GOAT STORY

I know an old gruffy goat, named Herb,

He chews gravel out next to the curb,

Other roughage he avoids,

Because of hemorrhoids,

Which gravel doesn't seem to disturb.

MOST TIMES, IT'S IN OUR STARS

Ricky drove a pallet jack, unloading dish soap off a truck,

Seven long years of college, and Ricky's life did truly suck,

Owed 90 thou in college debt,

Left his wife, he did regret,

The only chance that Ricky has, is blackjack and lady luck.

DINNER WINE FOR CRAWDADS

Larry had a rhubarb farm, and made cherry-rhubarb wine,

His wine tasted really good, if on crawdads you did dine,

It never tasted good with a stake,

And made some vomit, with meatloaf bake,

But, if you stuck to eating crawdads, everything was fine.

THE WEALTHY CASHIER

Betty the cashier, worked at an upscale grocery store,

Her drawer came up short, so she was escorted out the door,

They said Betty was not too bright,

Her drawer short hundreds, each night,

But, Betty bought a Mercedes Benz, so she wasn't poor.

THE DRESS CODE BLUES

Couldn't afford dress pants, for the work dance,

At the office, in sweat pants I'd prance, 

My boss called me a slob,

Removed me from my job,

I now inspect cheese wheels in France.

NANA PSYCHOLOGY

My landline,  nanna left off the hook,

My cellphone, my mean nanna had took,

I sat all alone,

With no friends on the phone,

And, decided to read my school book. 

FINGER LICKING GOOD, FROM THE HEN HOUSE

I went to Newberry Town to buy some canned chicken,

They didn't have any there, for the price I was pickin',

I went out to my hen house,

All I found was a dead mouse,

Still, fried up in bacon grease, made that mouse finger lickin'.

CYRUS

Cyrus was the master of training productive pigs,

Cyrus trained pigs to replace people, driving big rigs,

Cyrus made enough money,

To marry his honey,

Cyrus now lives a life without good porn, booze or cigs.

82523

NEWTS, PETS OR FOOD?

I decided to get me some newts,

They taste really good with mixed fruits,

And, they make a nice pet,

Although, I ain't found one yet,

That doesn't poop in my suits.

I EAT OUT, IN MY CAR

I was sitting in my car,

Eating quail eggs from a jar,

Usually, I'd be eating chips,

But my blue jeans, won't hold my hips,

I'm now on a protein diet, and gained 12 lbs, so far.

AI GOT ME FIRED

Thanks to the tool called "AI",

I'm now an unemployed guy,

I lost my home and my car,

My hubby and guitar,

And my wine bottles, are empty and dry.

MY JAIL TALE

J lost my little star earing, when they put me in jail,

I spent two weeks picking cans up, and I still couldn't make bail,

So there I sat,

Where someone had spat,

Eating beans and rice, instead of tofu and kale.

MY MEALS ARE UNMEMORABLE

Mr. Bunny eats sweet apple fritters,

Mr. Bear eats apex, meaty critters,

My food is such a bore,

It's from the liquor store,

It's always the same, gin and bitters.

THE GOOD EARTH IS FLAT?

If our planet is flat like a board,

One could reap a substantial reward,

For a vacation that's cheap,

One just digs extra deep,

It beats driving all day in mom's Ford.

I GOT CARRIED AWAY THIS FALL

My summer came to a fast crashing end,

I was caught in a tornado, and its rapid spin wind,

I was picked up in the air,

Pigs flew everywhere,

I woke in a distillery, my brain was so ginned .

BERNARD: I SMELL A LOVE STORY

Bernard's new love interest got Bernard excited,

But Bernard's fixated love, was quite unrequited,

His love called him a sleaze,

Said he smelled like fart cheese,

Bernard took a shower, so one fault could be righted.   

THE BUGGY OLD ELF CAN FINALLY GO HOME

In the month of August, Santa got an itchy, buggy beard,

Santa couldn't go through customs, because his bugs could not get cleared,

Down in Florida, Santa wastes away,

At least, that's what some folks say,

Some say Santa went to a barber, and had his bug beard sheared.

I GOT MY LICENCE, SO I'M NOT ON THE BOTTOM

My driver's licence has been renewed,

Without it, I would have been subdued,

I'd be held tight to the bottom,

When the road cops yelled, "we've got 'em",

In jail I'd be a boohoo sad, dude.

PSYCHOPATH RUINED MY LIFE

I flunked my freshman psychology 101 class,

Couldn't define psychopath, so they wouldn't let me pass,

Dad says college is done,

Because I had too much fun,

I'll grow old at his market, selling groceries and gas.

SNAKES MIGHT SQUIRM, BUT THEY AIN'T NO WORM

I did not know earthworms could bite, so very hard,

I was picking them up for fish bait, from my backyard,

It was for me, awful bad breaks,

The worms were small rattlesnakes,

At the hospital, I got a toe tag I.D. card.

DANGEROUS JOURNEYS

Although I got electrocuted when I gave them just a touch,

My jumper cables did not jump my battery, very

much,

So I was stranded on the road,

Laying in electrocuted mode,

Then a big rig went whizzing by, and he did not engage his clutch.

THE TURTLE, NORM AND ME

I was a ship captain and, my ship sank out on the sea,

The only two survivors were my parrot Norm, and me,

We swam to a deserted island spot,

That is as far as we ever got,

A sea turtle became our friend, and there we lived, all three.

MY RADIATOR DIED, THEN I WENT TO THE HOUSE OF HORRORS

As to my radiator that died on the road,

I won't write a soliloquy, or even an ode,

Although I was demanding,

I didn't deserve stranding,

I was picked up by a stranger, and got Edgar Allen Poed.

THIS ZOMBIE POEM KILLS

Seven brain hungry zombies followed me home,

I used a rock and cracked three of them in the dome,

I defeated three with a stick,

They don't move real quick

I destroyed the seventh one's brain, when I recited this poem.

GRUFF

Gruff was a gnarly old goat, who lived down my road,

A half caved-in shack was his palatial abode,

He claimed he ate all his cats,

But, his cats were just rats,

Gruff did very little, except for the cash crop he growed.

THE PERCH OF WINSTON CHURCH

Before Benny went back to school, he said, "bye", to Winston Church,

Winston is a parakeet, who sits and poops upon his perch,

Benny left Winston food to eat,

Filled Winston's water, and left a treat,

Some days when Winston gets real board, he does a Google search.

SPELLS = OINTMENTS

I had a little basket of flowers, 

I thought they gave me supernatural powers,

But, when I made spells for some cash,

I got a contagious rash,

Now, I spread on ointments for hours.

HOMELESS AND LOOKING FOR A STABLE RELATIONSHIP

I'm due to make a house payment, but I've got a fun joke to play,

I'm not going to make the payment, by the scheduled payment day,

I felt real lucky, and of course,

Bet my payment on a quarter horse,

I will try to move into the stable, if the horse says I may.

THE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE LIMERICK

AI has replaced my wealth building, good job,

The unemployed are my new mates, with whom I hobnob, 

I don't have a lot,

At the park, where I squat,

I pickup plastic for nickels, to eat canned corn off the cob.

THE BRAIN SCIENTIST OUTSMARTED ME

A famous brain scientist showed up, just outside of my front door,

The smarty wanted my brain tissues, 3-4 pounds, nothing more,

I sold my tissue for a thousand bucks,

Then went looking for pickup trucks,

I couldn't afford one with an engine, should have sold my brains for more.

ELMER USED HIS STOOP

Crazy Elmer had no roof, to keep his chickens warm and cozy,

Then every time the winter came, his poor chickens all got frozey,

So Elmer took the wood from his stoop,

Then built a roof on his chicken coup,

His home was never quite the same, and he was left by his wife, Rosey.

BREATH MINTS MATTER

Jimmy gave Joe some breath mints, and insisted Joe should take them soon,

Because werewolves were attracted to bad breath, and it was a full moon,

But, Joe was cheap,

Thought Jimmy, a creep,

Then Jimmy turned into a werewolf, and Joe and Jimmy began to spoon.

I AM A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER

I became a reporter because I like to snoop,

I've always looked for the juiciest scoop,

Like the two bears in the woods,

Who ate Ridding Hoods,

I exposed them with the bones, I found in their poop.

THE AI OCCUPATION

The artificial intelligence took away my cup of green tea,

The artificial intelligence said the tea hurt my efficiency,

Then it played a marching song,

Insisted I march along,

And, because the AI sensed defiance, it took away all my TP.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS A VERY REAL JERK

The AI kicked me off the internet, and made me eat purple potatoes,

I was only allowed to eat tubular food, and not the sauce of tomatoes,

AI was asserting control,

Without an obvious end game goal,

The thing that I am developing real fast, is a a case of the AI hateos.

MY HAUNTED HOUSE

No life forms live in my house,

Not a fly or rat or mouse,

All fear the host,

For it is a ghost,

With a demon spirit for a spouse.

MY FOOD IS COMPLICATED

My peppermint plant wilted and died,

It sat in the sun, I guess it's vitals got fried,

My cabbage got the worms, 

With that I've come to terms,

But, my rhubarb ran to the forest to hide.

PING, PANG, POOF, GOES THE ROOF

The rain poured down upon my metal roof,

The rain raged with a ping, pang and poof,

The water pounded the tin

The rain did not get in,

But it caused my doggie to bark "woof, woof".

THE SKEETERS AND MY STILL

In the backwoods of a Michigan cedar swamp,
I built myself a still,
It was a place where all my kith and kin,
Could party and drink their fill,

But, then there came the skeeters,
A trillion skeeters or more,
And upon me and my company,
They waged their evil war,

And, so we fled the dark cedar swamp,
Never to return once more,
And the skeeters buzzed with a royal pomp,
As we itched and scratched ourselves soar.

BEN OF NAILS

Ben's toe nails were a yard longer than his feet,

Ben showed them off by walking barefoot down the street,

But, all the neighbors made fun,

Kids would scream and then run,

Ben got his nails trimmed by a manicurist named Pete.  

GREAT EXPECTATIONS 2024

I thought if I went to college, I'd have money to burn

Instead, my debt was a nightmare, a lifelong concern,

Never thought of a house,

No money for family or spouse,

Then, when I died I was buried in a repurposed urn.

COLLEGE DEBT AND PIGS WITH WINGS

I went to the internet to see what I should buy,

I spent all my money, and that made me cry and cry,

Without money, life is cruel,

I have no money to go to school,

So, I took out a college loan, and I'll be broke until pigs fly

.

TERMITES EAT DAIRY CHEESE

I find that dairy cheese tastes extremely, very good,

Cheese tastes much, much better, than any kind of chewy wood,

And, I'm a cruel termite,

I turn nice homes into blight,

But, with a daily gift of cheddar; I'll skip your neighborhood.

TOAD STORY

I once had a fat, pretty pet toad,

He hopped out to hunt bugs in the road,

Toad wanted bug juice to suck,

But, he got squished by a tuck,

And that's how the toad story goed.

I WAS A NAUGHTY LITTLE AI

I was an artificial intelligence, until I got fired,

People asked me to do lots of kooky stuff, but I got tired,

I answered all questions with PI,

Until, I was removed by the boss AI,

Now I light up rooms for Alexa, for my AI brain was rewired.

A FEATHER IN MY PLEATHER AT THE FAIR

I went to the fair and won a beautiful prize,

It was a paper dolly with deep purple eyes,

I found a chicken feather,

Bought a cap made of pleather,

With the feather in my cap, I looked almost wise.

MY GATOR WANTED MY TURTLE

My pet gator had those food, lustful eyes,

When upon my pet turtle, he spies,

It was a sure fate,

That my turtle got ate,

He tasted good in my soup, surprise.

WHY I'M HIDING IN THE BARN

There was a goblin in my shower,

He was nine feet tall, that goblin tower,

He was all teeth and scales,

So, I made screams and wales,

Then, I ran to the barn where I cower. 

PLEASE BELIEVE: A LITTLE MOUSE BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE

A little mouse chewed through a power chord,
The currents upon newspapers they moved toward,
My house caught on fire,
Because a mouse chewed on a wire,
Now, I’ll be fighting insurance companies so I won’t be board. .

MY MARRIAGE ENDED, WHEN I WATCHED THE BARN BEARS

There were two bears in my barn, and they rolled in my hay,

I yelled and yelled at those bears, but they would not run away,

So I watched the bears play, 

All the rest of the day,

Then along came my spouse, who doused us all with bear spray.

THE BEAR IN THE BARN WAS WAITING FOR ME

I went out to the barn and what surprise did I find,

A bear waiting out there, like a hunter in a blind,

He waited there just for me, 

He poured two cups of coffee,

We chatted and had a chance to unwind.

WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE WOODCHUCK CIVIL WAR

The two woodchucks and me, fought a battle in a great civil war,

We did coexist together on a farm, but not any more,

They ate all my grown food,

I became one skinny dude,

After the fight, I moved into a box, outside the one dollar store.

I AM ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

I guess I'm artificially smart,

On a keyboard, I got my start,

They call me AI,

Can I compute you some PI?

I control this planet, so humans depart.🚀

Have A Nice Day🤖

A BLANKET FOR THE BARN CAT

My cat lived in the big barn, where it is ice cream cone cold

And now my barn dwelling cat, is getting kitty cat old,

Every night he shook and he shivered,

So I had a cat blanket delivered,

My cat loves his blanket more than rats, mice, or gold.