I Fear A Big Boohoo, In Year 2022

When I look ahead of me,

Just confusion do I see,

2022,

Looks all askew,

Can't wait till it's 2023.

TO A MOUSE REVISITED AND REVISED

While digging in my garden,
I came across a mouse,
But, unlike old Robert Burns,
I loved to destroy his house,

Old Burns loved the mousey,
Felt sorry for his lot,
I might like the mousey too,
If I didn’t know his plot,

The little mouse sneaks in my house,
He contaminates my food,
He leaves behind his raisons,
I think that’s awfully rude,

The mouse runs across my bedding,
He fills it all with lice,
I itch and scratch and wheeze all night,
And, pay an awful price,

Robert Burns thought that mice were fine,
He felt guilt and didn't wish them ill ,
Burns made peace with all in “Auld Lang Syne”,
With mice I know I never will,

They can send all the mice to Scotland,
To stay with Robert Burns,
He’s out on cemetery road,
With the statues and the urns.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2022

At the stroke of midnight we were done,🔔

Into the past sank 2021,🎶🎶🎤

Now to struggle through,🍻🍺🍸🍸🍷🍺🍸🍸🍷🍷

The New Year, 2022,🌄

Hoping this year has less clouds and more sun.🎊🎉

MY HOME IMPROVEMENT PROJECT: FURNACE INSTALLATION

I installed my new furnace and gave it a lite,
Then I laid down and slept sound through the night,
But, I almost died,
From carbon monoxide,
It seems I did not install my furnace quite right.

A CRAWDAD GRABBED ME BY MY BIG TOE

A crawdad grabbed me by my big toe,
He pinched me so hard he caused me great woe,
But, with my new shotgun,
I just knew I had won,
The crawdad and toe vaporized with one blow.

SHERRY WAS A BOXED CHICKEN

Sherry my chicken, I put in a box,
To avoid my catching the chickenpox,
The box was an oven,
I broiled her with lovin',
And, garnished her with bright holly hocks.

THE BALLAD OF HAPPY PARKER, MAN OF THE SOUTH

Parker liked eating possum,

He baked it in his pie,

Parker liked his possum sandwiches,

On whole wheat bread, never rye,

Parker had the hiccups,

Parker had the farts,

Parker couldn't play baseball,

But was really good at darts,

Parker had a brother,

He smelled like fishy-trout,

Parker threw him in the river,

The gators ate his belly out,

Parker had six daughters,

Parker had an apple tree,

His daughters made apple wine for him,

So Parker was happy.

HOW I FEEL IN 2021

I feel like a drop of pee,

Floating in a turd filled sea,

No one really cares for me,

Because I smell like last night's tea,

Flush the toilet, set me free.

I WANTED TO GET ME SOME MEATS

I was tired of rice and beans as my primary eats,

So I went to a fast burger place to get me some meats,

But the burgers were so rare,

They weren't even there,

I guess the burger maker had sampled some treats.

PORK MAKES THE BEST BACON

I tried to make bacon by curing some eel,
But, the taste was lacking of any appeal,
I tried curing some snake,
The taste was too bad to take,
Only pork tastes like bacon that's real.

BUSY JAY JAY

Jay looked to the east,

Jay looked to the west,

jay chewed on grass,

Passed major gas,

Everyday, all day long, Jay sat on his nest.

THE DIET OF MY PORT BELLIED PIG PAL

The best friend I have is a port bellied pig,

He drinks only port wine and it makes him real big,

He eats mashed potatoes too,

He gravies them with paper glue,

He eats berries if they're shiny blue,

He likes to chew on auto parts but, only if they're new.

MY GUPPY HAD BABIES

My guppy had babies; it's so very nice to see,

She'll go back to her friends when she leaves maternity,

The babies move slow,

But, they'll be safe and can grow,

For mamas are hungry and can get quite naughty.  

TRANCING OFF WORLD

I had a friend who was a trancer,

She'd drink vinegar as a trance enhancer,

I knew she was way off world,

When her lower lip curled,

And, her left eyeball became a dancer. 

TICK SICK

Lots of people are getting the sicks,

Because they're being bitten by little ticks,

Of course gasoline, 

Got me really clean, 

But I should of stayed away from lit candle wicks.🚬

I'M WITH THE WEIRD AND CRAZY CROWD

So, ye many jeer the weird and crazy,

The slovenly and very lazy, 

But, they are such fun,

I've become one,

In the end we all feed our daisy.

YOU CAN ALWAYS BE A GARDEN GNOME, IF YOU NEED A JOB

I was told I was a really bad, bad bad, boy,

That's why on Christmas I did 't get one darn toy,

So I ran away from home,

Became a garden gnome,

Now scarring away little bunnies gives me joy, joy, joy!

I'M GAMBLING MY WAY INTO A HOLE

I watched football on Christmas Day,😯

My team lost, I'll have to pay,🤕

Because of my gambling plot,🤑

I have a pension, not,😲

I'll now work until I'm with worms and clay.😭

TAINTED TURKEY, A COVER CHARGE AND MALT BALLS: THE CHRISTMAS DINNER I PREPARED

The tainted turkey was not my fault,

I thought I killed the taint with extra salt,

My family gave me jeers,

For charging to drink beers,

And for chocolate covered balls full of malt. 

SANTA HAD A BARBEQUE ON CHRISTMAS EVE

Santa's sleigh was made of hydrogen, which put the sleigh in flight,

Santa's reindeer were gas balloons, that helped Santa's sleigh gain height,

Once Santa had a shiver,

Freezing lungs, kidneys and liver,

So Santa lit up his long pipe, and Santa's sleigh went burning bright.

MOM AND DAD TOOK MY PRESENT I GOT FROM SANTA LIMERICK

Santa left a present, but I don't think it is mine,

It is 15 gallons of spiced rum, but I am only 9,

I gave some to my dog Duke,

It made him gag then made him puke,

Then mom and dad took the rest and said it was divine.

SINKING DOWN ON CHRISTMAS EVE

It's Christmas Eve and I'm heading home from work,🚲

I got hit by a speeder and man, what a jerk,💩

He sped off, didn't stay,🚐

Leaving me sinking away,😠

In a ditch full of mud, crud and murk.🐊🐍🦀🦂🐙

SICK REINDEER AND DICK THE MOOSE

The little reindeer could not make the trip,

Flying in front of Santa's! ship,

The little reindeer called in sick,

Replaced by a moose named Dick,

While the reindeer gave tea the sip.

A BIRTHDAY FOR CHRISTMAS

I celebrated my birthday on Christmas Day,

On my actual birthday, no one stopped by my way,

Still, nobody came,

Is Covid the blame?

Or, my flawed character, as most people say.

OUR CHRISTMAS YUMMIES

On Christmas we eat frozen berries,🍓

And lots of nuts and cherries,🍒🌰

We never eat meat,🐔🐀🐿🐘🐖🐄🐩

From critters with feet,👣👣👣👣

We eat snakes or bugs, it varies.🐞🐞🐞🐍🐍🐍🐜🐜🐜🐛🐛🐛

A BAD MAN WITH BAD TEETH

I ate holiday candy until I was shaking,
Now, my bad teeth are constantly aching,
I know my judgment was real poor,
But, why should my mouth be so soar?

No wicked things have I ever done,
Except those things that were for fun,
I hid grandma’s dentures and teased the cat,
I put peanut butter on my brother’s bat,

I threw dad’s keys in the swimming pool,
So that day I couldn’t go to school,
I ate mom’s cookie dough when she turned away,
So, there were no cookies at church that day,

I sort of remember a girl on a swing,
I pushed her so hard she slammed into something,
And then, there was my very best friend named Stan,
He tripped into a puddle as by me he ran,

Then, there was my cousin in a canoe,
I toppled him over; he got black and blue,
Then, there was my dog, who liked to fetch sticks,
Throwing the stick over the fence was one of my tricks,

I guess some of the things I did were not nice,
But, I should be forgiven; I did few of them twice,
I did most bad things without a thought in my brain,
So, why am I racked with unending tooth pain?

.

PATTY THE CHRISTMAS WEREWOLF?

Patty was a werewolf,
She hunted night and day,
But, every year on Christmas Eve,
She guarded Santa’s sleigh,

When Patty snarled and barred her fangs,
She frightened away each highwayman,
And poachers kept quiet with their bangs,
Less they be bitten on the can,

Now reindeer meat is tender and sweet,
Its scent will make a werewolf drool,
So Patty bit one on the seat,
Santa thought that was just not cool,

Now Patty said she made a mistake,
And begged to keep her position,
Her family’s home they would forsake,
Her puppies would suffer malnutrition,

Now Santa always did what was good,
As an employer he was admired quite well,
Patty kept her job just as she should,
But, she had to plug her nose so she couldn’t smell.



,

I WENT TO MIDLAND MICHIGAN TO VISIT THE TRIDGE LIMERICK

I went to Midland Michigan to visit the Tridge,
But, then I got lost on the three legged bridge,
I just got the quivers,
As I watched below the black rivers,
I ran off to the land on the ridge.

THE AWSOME SUPRISE ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

THE ELF KING WAYLAND THE SMITH

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves,
He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves,
He got tired one day,
From his hard work at low pay,
So, he led his ilk to make cars for themselves.

REVENGE OF THE SNOWMAN

If you're going to travel far, far away,
In celebration of this grand holiday,
Beware the snowman in your garden pleasance,
Before leaving give him his share of presents,
If you don't he'll have something to say,
By filling with snow, your entire driveway.

NO GIFTS FOR A BAD SNOWMAN
Snowman do you deserve a gift,
When you make my driveway drift,
You need to get real,
Drift policy repeal,
Then my gift list just might shift.

BOB ROY AND SANT'A'S FROSTED SALTINE CRACKERS

Bob Roy had no time to bake,
Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake,
Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers,
So, Bob Roy spread the caned frosting on some saltine crackers,

When Santa came down Bob Roy’s woodstove pipe,
He was covered with soot and had to wipe,
When Santa was done he looked for his traditional eats,
His glass of fresh milk and homemade cookie treats,

Now, Santa had brought Bob Roy something real nice,
It was a homemade jerky maker complete with jerky spice,
Old Santa’s belly needed some food and growled like a bear,
Then Santa found his gift snack but, could not believe what was there,

On the table surrounded with decorations ornate,
Sat many colored saltine crackers on a cookie plate,
Santa was hungry and could not hesitate,
So, all the frosted saltine crackers Santa downed away straight,

The saltines were dry so Santa guzzled down his milk,
Then he wondered what kind of people? What kind of ilk?
Would substitute saltine crackers for cookies anyway?
But, Santa knew he had to get back to his sleigh,

Santa left Bob Roy the jerky maker so Bob Roy would be happy,
Then, up the stove pipe Santa took off feeling kind of sappy,
In exchange for a jerky make complete with jerky maker spice,
Santa got saltine crackers and he thought he itched a bit with lice.

SANTA'S HAVING VENISON FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER

If I were Santa I'd buy some sheep,

Because reindeer are to costly to keep,

Of course, magic flying sheepy,

Might sound kind of creepy,

And chopping reindeer into venison, will make Santa's elves weep.

SARAH SUE II

Sarah Sue sailed out of harbor dock,
In the morning at about 10 o'clock,
A storm blew her off course,
And with the captain's remorse,
It sank when it was riped by a rock.

WHEN SANTA IS ALL UNEMPLOYED

When Santa sits around unemployed, 

He stares off into the void,
Soon lickety-split,
He jumps up, he can’t sit,
He must design a toy doggie droid.

THE TALE OF TWO TROTTER ON A POTTER

This be the tale of Mr. and Mrs. Trotter,

They liked eating raw oysters and otter,

They both spent much time on the potter,

They'd flush it away with much water,

Then they both laid down on the cotter,

MY FAILURE TO BAKE A GOOD CAKE

My cake was a bit overdone, 
The frosting was a watery run,
 And, the flavor I fear,
Was like old skunky beer,
And, heaving vomit for weeks was not fun.

THE FARMER IN THE DELL 2010-Limerick

There was a farmer who lived in a dell,
For him things did not go very well,
His pigs all had fleas,
The winter froze out his bees,
The farmer finally decided to sell.

The farmer in the dell owed money to the bank,
He could never repay it so, he was in the tank,
His stuff would not grow,
His cows starved in the snow,
His wife left saying he had himself to thank,

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS FOR SANTA

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way, then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

THE CHEAP PLASTIC SLEIGH

Santa Claus bought a new sleigh,
It was made out of plastic they say,
When Santa sat down,
The  cheap plastic broke down,
He loaded his old sleigh on Christmas Eve day.

STOCKS ARE MY FAMILY'S FUTURE

Today my stocks took quite a stumble,

It seems their earnings have taken a tumble,

I guess the kids will grow up lean,

No tacos and pizza; just pork and bean,

I can't wait until Christmas to hear them grumble. 

WHEN THE ROOF CAVES IN

Heavy snows made my old roof go crash,
Without insurance, I ran out of cash,
So, I got a loan from a bank,
Watched my credit tank,
I still have my barrel of corn mash.
 

I AM REALLY A FISH: OUTFOXING A WOLF LIMERICK

While hiking I met a timber wolf named Sam,
He wanted meat to eat with his toast and jam,
I told him I was not a meat dish,
I was really a fish,
While he was thinking I decided to scram.

PORCH PIRATES RUINED CHRISTMAS

Porch pirates, porch pirates what have you done?

You've ruined the Christmas for almost everyone,

You've stolen our cheer,

For those presents were dear,

A day just sitting with family is not fun.

Tears On Toilet Tissue Issues

Mr. Smith used toilet tissues,

When he cried his eyes out over issues,

His life partner Beau,

Told Smith to go,

Smith now texts Beau all day with miss yous.😞😢😭

JENNIFER PLAYS THE VIOLA LIMERICK

Jennifer plays the viola,
But, she can’t get a gig with payola,
To support her boyfriend bob,
She needed a job,
She stocks shelves with lemon-lime cola.

RITZY, DITZY SPIDER

A ritzy, ditzy spider licked on a lollipop,

Along came a frog that went hop, hop, hop,

The frog ate the spider and drank soda pop,

So, ritzy, ditzy spider drowned in the frog's belly.

MY FRUIT CAKE IS NO MORE

I once had a fruit cake that lived under my couch,

He ate my dropped French fries and cuddled with my kitty named Slouch,

But, what the fruit cake didn't reckon for,

Was my new puppy named Lore

Lore swallowed the cake before the cake could yell ouch!!!

BARNEY WAS A PIG WITH HANDS AND FEET-Limerick

Barney was a pig with hands and feet,
He thought cloven hooves did not look neat,
But, with his feet and his hands,
He could be eaten in more lands,
So Barney the pig was served as meat.

BUGS HID UP MY NOSE LIMERICK

I washed my hair most every day,

To try to keep the bugs away,

But, they hid up my nose,

Wouldn't budge with a hose,

So, I got them with a bottle of spray.
 

A MOOSE NAMED PETE-Limericks

Pete the moose was ten feet tall,
But, his feet were just too small,
He could not run fast,
'cause his ankles wouldn't last,
So, a grizzly came by to call.

There once was a moose named Pete,
He was not real fast on his feet,
He ran into a bear,
The bear did not scare,
The bear had plenty to eat.

BLOWING SNOW, A WINTER TALE

I gave the snow a big blow I'd say,

I blew the snow far, far away,

Over to the neighbors yard,

Whom, I knew weren't home today,

Blowing snow is a big job,

Which I did quite well anyway,

I cleaned the driveway out myself,

And had no one to pay.

HOW I MAKE BEAR SCAT

I fell in a hole on top of a bear, 

He was hibernating, so I didn't scare,

But here's the thing,

I took a nap until spring,

And woke up in the belly of the bear.

SANTA'S DATE WITH A DRAGON

Santa has a broke red wagon,

So on Christmas Eve he'll ride a dragon,

And without fail,

This dragon tale,

Will keep Santa non-stop bragging. 

THE BAND CALLED PARENT TORMENT

Penny played the clarinet,
Phyllis beat the drum,
Patty tooted her french horn,
Mom and dad drank coke and rum. 

RAY GUNS ARE NOT A TOY

Frosty found he had no fun.

By playing with his hot ray gun,

He vaporized his toe,

He set his leg aglow,

All the way up to his bun.

I KNOWS MY BURGERS

No one knows the hamburgers; the hamburgers I've seen,

Some are full of chunks of fat and some are grizzle-lean,

I like my burgers moist inside,

With dark grill marks displayed with pride,

I want my burgers made with meat without a bit of bean,

WHEN I'M BLOWING SNOW, AND WHY

After all the snow is done blowing,

Then I know I must get going,

Blowing snow with my half brain knowing,

Where my driveway will be showing,

And, save my car from a wrecker towing.

A SAILOR'S SECRET TO AVOIDING DRY SKIN

To my boat I always stay tethered,
For, I tend to fall overboard when I'm weathered,
Not from the winds and the gail,
But, from my keg of dark ale,
I drink ale so my complexion ain't leathered.

I WILL TOAST MY WINTER NUTS, WHEN I BURN MY CHRISTMAS TREE

I groomed this Christmas tree,

It's near pretty as a bee,

It's understood,

That all it's wood,

My fireplace will see.

MARCIE MOE THE REINDEER POEM THREE AND EPIC EPILOGUE

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Was born on Guy Fawkes Day,
It's a holiday no one cares about,
Like the one the first of May,

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Wanted to pull old Santa's sleigh,
But, every time he tried her out,
It ended ugly in some way,

So, Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Started a business pulling sleds,
She started by delivering children's toys,
But, made her money delivering meds,

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Is a billionaire many say,
She lives in Honolulu,
And, told Santa to stick his sleigh.

TODAY I GOT IN THE MAIL

Today I got in the mail,
A bill that was just a big whale,
My teeth started to chatter,
My family done scatter,
I upchucked in the garbage pail.

MARCIE MOE THE REINDEER POEM TWO

When Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Went swimming at the beach,
The other swimmers filled with fear,
A little kid let out a screech,

For Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Looked like a lake monster of yore,
And, all the swimmers ran for high ground,
As Marcie came ashore,

Now, Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Stood dumbfounded, alone on the sand,
Then, a helicopter came and chased Marcie away,
And, from the beach Marcie was banned.


　

THE MAN-EATING ZOMBIE FLAVOR FAVOR

I met a man-eating zombie named Rose,
He had red eyes and a gigantic nose,
He asked me a favor,
To tell him my flavor,
I replied "I taste like jam that grows between toes."

MARCIE MOE THE REINDEER POEM

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Wanted to pull Santa's sleigh,
So, she hooked herself up in the sleigh gear,
Thinking she'd soon be on her way,

But, Santa told her she couldn't go,
And Marcie asked him why,
Santa said there ain't no show,
Since it's the middle of July.

 

LAME, THE HOLIDAY LIMERICK

Cars are sliding down the road,

Finding trees and getting towed,

And all the new snow,

We give a blow,

It's holidays and credit is owed. 

I GOT HONKED BY MY CHRISTMAS GOOSE

Fast and loose, the Christmas goose chased me across the yard,

Fast and loose, I was chased by that goose, while I wore just a thin leotard,

The goose caught me at last,

I got goose-honked for my past,

When I cheated the goose with a fixed playing card.

HOLIDAY SACRIFICE FOR NAUGHT

We have another holiday,

On presents I will spend my pay,

I'll catch a meal another day,

I sacrifice to hear someone say,

"I need the receipt, to return straight away."

THE TIME TRAVEL PEASANT

My time machine will machine no more,

So, I can't the future or the past explore,

I am stuck in the present,

Like a time travel peasant,

Such a mundane existence, I deplore.

LIVE AT THE COUNTRY OF THE BLIND BAR, GRILL & TAKE-OUT

I went to the "Country of the Blind," where the one-eyed man, he sings,

But, he didn't sing for nothing and you had to pay with blings,

So, all my golden jewelry including my piercings and my rings,

I gladly turned it over and the one-eyed man sings things,

The one eyed-man sings country western  while on tiny bells he dings,

Lastly, the one -eyed man walked off stage, and on his bag of gold, he clings.

 

ARM ACHE=CAKE

I got a shot; it was a booster,

Tasted like chicken; maybe a rooster,

So, I got an arm ache,

Ate a big slice of cake,

It was so good I had a cake twoster.

A BIGFOOT HOLIDAY

I invited for dinner my friend Marvin Hoots,

He brought his family, all of them were bigfoots,

While belching passionately,

They ate my holiday tree,

Then with their trumpets they played me some toots.

HAIRS, PEARS, WOLVES AND BEARS

I went out to pick some juicy pears,

And, had to fight off sixteen bears,

Then, a wolf pack gave me meany stares,

I said, "come get me, I double dares,"

They ate my bod from toes to hairs.

THE PORCELAIN AND RON'S ALMOND NUTS

Ron wanted some peanuts to eat on today,

But, a bag full of almonds sat in the way

So, on the almonds Ron did feast,

Till Ron gassed up like a beast,

Then, the porcelain in the bathroom had to pay.

NERO DRANK TO CAPACITY

Nero drank soda pop all week long,

He would not stop, did not know it was wrong,

But, then late at night,

His bed felt not quite right,

And, his wife wrote him a bed pee pee song.

PEANUT BUTTER BREATH AND JELLY

I need jelly in my belly when the snow comes tumbling down,

I need jelly in my belly when the snow covers the ground,

I need peanut butter too,

And some bread with gluten goo, 

I'll watch telly with peanut breath so smelly, I will make elf fairies frown.

CLEO WAS A REAL NERD'S NERD

Cleo was a real nerd’s nerd,
In the dictionary he could define any word,
He was also a football jock,
In music he could really rock,
But, in wood-shop his grade was deferred.

DINNER, HUGS, BUGS, RUGS AND PORCELAIN

My family came over for dinner and hugs,

I love them so much, in their food I put bugs,

With a heave and and ho,

To my bathroom they go, 

I just hope they hit porcelain, not rugs.

I GOT UP EARLY TO EAT A TURKEY FEAST LIMERICK

I got up real  early to eat a turkey feast,
But, it won’t be served til noon, at least,
Oh, what an affair,
I sat down in despair,
I watched the parades while my mom cooked the beast.

GROVER THE CHICKEN AND MR. TURKEY

There was a meek chicken named Grover,
Who loved to see the end of October,
Because Mr. Turkey,
Was a real turkey jerky,
In November his time would be over.

GRANDMA'S SICK CHRISTMAS BATHROOM HUMOR

Each year to grandma's we all converge,

To set upon our annual family purge,

For eating turkey not done,

Is our little family fun,

Except, add some more bathrooms, we urge.

MURPHY PRETTY BIRD

Murphy was a pretty bird, a pretty bird was he,

Murphy was such a pretty bird his pics cost quite a fee,

Murphy went to Hollywood and became a dreamy star,

Murphy made so many movies he could afford a good used car,

Murphy finally made a movie where he accidentally laid an egg,

Murphy then made a movie which was labeled a turkey leg,

Murphy decided to retire while his looks were still real good,

Murphy got into his good used car and left old Hollywood. 

AT HUNTING CAMP I GOT THE BOOT

At hunting camp I got the boot,
I spoiled the big turkey shoot,
When the turkeys came by,
I yelled “get lost or die”,
I saved lives and don’t give a hoot.

HUNTING CAMP LIMERICK (WHAT REALLY GOES ON)

At hunting camp we hunted for deer,
But, some of us were just insincere,
We stayed warm at the camp,
All dry and not damp,
And drank down six cases of beer.

CRUSTY, RUSTY MOUTH

I thought I had a gold tooth that was crusty,

Turns out it was tin and went rusty,

I was charged for the gold,

But, tin I was sold,

Couldn't sue, because my dentist went busty.

THERE WAS A GOLDFISH NAMED DREW

There was a nice goldfish named Drew,
But, instead of gold he was blue,
Blue made him feel sad,
But, he shouldn't feel bad,
A blue goldfish was just something new.

HIS GIRLFRIEND SANG WAY OUT OF TUNE

My poor little ferret,
He just could not bear it,
Because his girlfriend sang way out of tune,

My poor little ferret,
Told his girlfriend her voice did not merit,
An encore, so he sits alone 'neath the moon.
 

DINER OR DINNER?

I stare, boar stares back,
I see pork, boar sees chicken,
Diner or dinner?

MY SHOES GOT MUDDY LIMERICK

My little shoes they got all muddy,
Then, everywhere I went they called me cruddy,
Well, I read the news,
And changed into clean shoes,
Still, no one stepped up and called me their buddy.

WHERE WENT THE MOON?

Was it magic, clouds or too much gin,

That made the moon disappear again,

"Eclipse," said an educated,

Some said gin theory underrated,

Me, I'm glad it's over so I can eat my cold din din.

DRAGON'S MEAT, A HOLIDAY TREAT

I went dragon hunting and what did I find,

I shot a big dragon and cured bacon rind,

At first it was gooey,

But I dried it to chewy,

I gave some to neighbors cause I felt Christmas kind.

THE DRAGON HUNTER

I shot a dragon from the sky,

Shooting the dragon made my kid cry,

Then I made some dragon pie,

It burned my guts, thought I would die,

Rest I ate with mayo on rye.

THE SAD LIFE OF CLYDE THE CARP-Limerick

Clyde was a brown carp who laid in the mud,
He'd eat fish food or just floating crud,
He couldn't find a wife,
He was single for life,
'cause the lady carp called Clyde a dud.

There once was a carp named Clyde,
He laid all one day on his side,
He would not eat his fish food,
Which seemed really rude,
Then, someone realized Clyde had died.

LOADING DISHWASHER WRONG LEADS TO BLUES AND MAHJONG

I loaded my dishwasher completely wrong,
So, I'm singing the "So Sad, Broken-dish Song,"
Now, I've paid some sad dues,
And, I'm singing sad blues,

Later, I'll play a quick game of Mahjong.

TURKEY DAY FISH FILLET

My oven would not start and my turkey fryer had no gas,

I feared that for dinner, on turkey I had to pass,

So, things looked really dire,

Until, I remembered the cloths dryer

Turkey came out funky flavored, so I fried some fresh caught bass.

MY PET SKUNK AMADEOUS

My friend and I had a pet skunk named Amadeus
Whenever he’d see us he couldn't help but to spray us,
We did nothing wrong,
To get a taste of his spray bong,
When we’d see him coming our sense of smell became chaos.

I'M A LITTLE DRIP COFFEEMAKER ( I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOUR BLUES)

I'm a little drip coffeemaker,

I work for the town's undertaker,

When the family feels bad news,

I give them coffee for their blues,

My coffee is good with a doughnut from the baker.

MY BACK, OLD SHACK AND LEAVES

I'm raking leaves and oh my back,
My chest is feeling heart attack,
There's too many trees around my old shack,
But, if the leaves catch fire then a shack I'll lack,
Still, I'm so tired I'd like to hit the sack,
I'm giving up now for a nap and snack.

They Told Me I Was A Turd, When I Went To Hear The Shakespeare Word,

I went to see some Shakespeare, but they would not let me in, 

They said I was so vile, I belonged in a chamber pot lined with tin,

So, to gain some Shakespeare power,

I went home and took a shower,

When I returned to Shakespeare, the play was cancelled for it's sin.

BABY BOB HAD A DIAPER RASH

Baby boy Bob had a bad diaper rash,
His mother changed his diaper and put it in the trash,
But, the diaper rash was a curse,
Over time it got worse and worse,
He even had it at his bachelor boy bash.

I WENT ON A TRIP TO QUEBEC LIMERICK

I went on a trip to Quebec,ppp
Near Detroit my trip went to heck,
The tunnel was closed,
My trip was just hosed,
I got slammed in the trunk in a wreck.

I went on a trip to Quebec,
I thought I was being high tech,
I talked on my phone,
Someone slammed into my chrome,
I went no where: my car was a wreck.

MY FRIEND THE TOMATO WORM

My best friend was a tomato worm,
Sometimes I'd pinch him and make him squirm,
But, an accident brought such woes,
When I squished him between my toes,
That brought our relationship to it's term.

I BLOG THEN WALK MY DOG

I was a little blogger blogging on my blog,

Then I went a walking with my cocker spaniel dog,

We walked the forest late last night,

Until a bear gave us each a bite,

Now we rest in bear scat; each of us a big brown log.

I'M A FAMILY MAN NOW

I set up a fish tank so, I'd own a part of the sea,

I got ten little fish who had faces like me,

When friends came to visit my inside,

I showed my fish kids off with pride,

I got many congrats for my fine family.

I ONCE HAD A ROBOT NAMED SAM

I once had a butler robot named Sam,
He made sandwiches of Swiss cheese and ham,
Yet, what was real fine,
He made great rhubarb wine,
But, he sampled it and blew up going BAM!!!

RUN AWAY, CLIMB AWAY, BE A COWARD AND LIVE TODAY

Always a coward, I turn and I run,

I feel seeking pain is sick minded, not fun,

With a tiger frontal attack,

And, vicious bears at my back,

I reach for  branches to climb, not a gun.

NO TEAM SPIRIT ON FOOTBALL SUNDAY

I cannot get my team spirit in gear,

It's football on Sunday and I have no cheer,

No ants in my pants, 

To dance and shout chants,

Because the love of my life forgot beer.

MUSHROOMS AND DIVORCE

I ate mushrooms with each dinner course,

I gobbled them down feeling no remorse,

Then, there was a gurgle in my belly,

Like when I ate raw chicken from the deli, 

My stomach and mushrooms had a violent divorce. 

Who Will Be Dinner? The Turkey Or Me?

I went for the turkey and the vicious turkey, went for me,

One would be dinner the other, a tomorrow would not see,

We fought and we fought and we fought,

Till my throat, the turkey wings caught,

I hope he chokes on my wishbone then, we're together, me and he.

MICHIGAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL

In college football it must be said,
For Michigan, Michigan State is dread,
When the Spartans started to advance,
The U of M did not have a chance,
Between these two schools the rankings have spread.

I SELF-FURNACE WHEN I SQUAT

It's time for my long winter squat,

In a building the owner's forgot,

Of course, there's no heat,

But, I carbed up my belly and seat,

I self-furnace and that helps a lot.

FISHING AND DYING YOUNG

It was early winter and I felt bold,

On cold water fishing I'd been sold,

Even though, it would be my death, my friends foretold,

I'd for sure be a stat of ones not dying old,

Of course, I didn't harvest fish but I caught a bad cold.

I DO MISS THE SUMMER

Today we got a hard freeze,
The cold made my nose run and sneeze,
I do miss the summer,
Cold air is a bummer,
Along with the chill in the breeze.

FALL-A LIMERICK OF DISCONTENT

I don't like fall a lot,
My garden has gone to pot,
The trees have lost every leaf,
From the cold there's no relief,
Fall means the summer is shot.

WHY PEOPLE DRIVE WITH A FLAT TIRE

Why do people drive with a flat tire?
Because they see a monster in the rear view seat,
And, if that monster looks a little bit hungry,
Then, it is the driver he will probably eat,

Driving with a flat tire,
Is not so awful or bad,
You just can’t catch up to the cute lassie,
Or, run over her dear sweetest lad,

I guess tires were invented by man,
So that these tires would not last,
So people who drive on a flat tire,
Are people still living in the past.

DAISY RAN LIMERICKS

Daisy ran the marathon really fast,
But, the candy she had for breakfast did not last,
Towards the end she was tired,
No candy made her uninspired,
Her victory dreams became a thing of the past.

Daisy ran and was inspired,
By her parents who were retired,
She beat out the men,
That some considered a sin,
But, Daisy ran faster when ired.

TERROR ALONG THE FENCELINE

It's terror along the fence line for the barbies got my cloths,

They also ripped away the skin on my thigh, my arm, my nose,

Thus, my mortal wounds have caused my falling,

Soon some saint will come a calling,

Thus, I'll end all mortal woes,

Then, comes the tagging of my toes. 

TIME TRAVEL HAIKU

Time travel, easy,
Reflect, relive, rearrange,
Time travel, mind game.

I DUG A DEEP TOILET HOLE AND NOW I'M IN DEEP TROUBLE (💩)

I dug a hole for my toilet near my garden outside,

I thought to  build over a shack for privacy pride,

But, I knew I dug deep, too far,

When I seen a moon and a star,

Forgot the earth is flat and measures just 13 feet wide.

ODE TO THE MAILMAN LIMERICK

Way down below Fahrenheit zero,
That's when the mailman becomes my hero,
Though the snow may ceaseless blow,
The mail will always go,
Astounding, for a government bureau.