BIG SPLAT AND THE COYOTE

My parachute did not open, and now I'm just a mess,

I jumped from an airplane, and fell under a great duress,

I made an enormous, gross splat,

Like when my windshield hit that bat,

Will someone find me before the coyote?  Take a guess.

THE HEADLESS NIGHT TERROR

I saw a ghost in the hall, with a big sharp ax, and he was blood red,

He was dripping blood on my floor, and missing his natural, human head,

I said, "please, Mr. Ghost, go away,

I just cannot take this, today,"

The ghost lifted his ax; a voice filled the room, "I'm taking your head, hooray!"

COMPARISON TEA

A free green tea seems like a gift given, that is fair,

Brown tea is a great tea, but has the breath of a bear,

Chamomile is social,

Lemon tea, emotional,

I think I'll stick with green tea; the color I died my hair.

TOILET FLOWERS

My outdoor toilet was all full of flowers,
They grew well after all the rain showers,
They were such a bouquet,
I just let them stay,

My toilet is artwork that towers.

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HOW TO BUY LOTS OF CHRISTMAS CANDY, CHEAP!

I shop for my Christmas candy, when I go to rummage and yard sales,

I only buy the real quality stuff, not sucked on by bugs or snails.

I do not worry about germs,

And, ignore the tiny worms,

Candy is so high in stores, but for less than a dollar, I buy pails.

BFB AND DROOL

Everyday each year, I got bullied on the way to school,

The two big bullies were Big Fist Buster, and his sidekick, Drool,

First, Drool did his bad thing,

He drooled on my left wing,

Then BFB busted my right wing; methinks my casts were cool.

DEER CAMP 2022

At deer camp, we got 16 deer, 4 goats and ten trolls,

And, Ron got two garden gnomes, methinks that he stoles,

And, Frederick The Peasant,

Thought he got a pheasant

But it was a skunk; not one of our goals.

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OH THE TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE, WHEN JUICY FLIES WE COULD RETRIEVE

Sneed was a spider, and a big, giant spider was Sneed,

He wrapped his webs throughout the house, for he was full of greed,

Greedy for the big, fat, flies,

Ones with eyeballs, full of eyes,

Sneed would suck out the juice from the flies; I couldn't watch the deed.

ON FRIDAY, ROTTEN FISH FILLS THE MORGUE

I went to a fast food place, for a fish between buns with a pop and fries,

I hung out there on Fridays to be with the local gals and local guys,

But, the fish had a awkward smell,

The stinky, should've been a tell,

We we're ghosted that day, seems when you eat stinky fish, everyone dies.

TOILET DOWN

My neighbor sat on my bathroom toilet, and the toilet fell through the floor,

My neighbor is threatening a lawsuit, for a million dollars, or more,

My neighbor weighs near 400 lbs,

He sinks when he walks on any grounds,

My attorney said settle, sell my house, and accept being lawsuit poor.

SETTING JIMMY FREE

Jimmy the itty, bitty lizard is so sad, you see,

He lives alone in my restored, antique cabinetry,

He eats spiders and fruit flies,

Turns them into white, poop pies

I should take Jimmy outside, and toss him into a tree.

SHACKING UP FOR THE WINTER, OR FAMILY TIES IN THE RURALS

I bought a shack down in the holler,

I moved in and spread out my squalor,

I decided to let in,

The rest of my kith and kin,

Some cousins must wear a dog collar.

BAD ROBOT AND THE BANANAS

A robot stole my packed, full grocery cart; it was full of bananas,

I was taking them to the nursing home, to feed the grandpas and nanas,

For the bananas, I had paid,

Cannot buy more, without some aid,

You just cannot go anywhere; robots have all turned into piranhas.

CAT VILLAIN

My grey cat is a villain, a villain is he,

He shredded my curtains, and dropped pee in my tea,

Teasing my pretty koi, 

Brings my cat villain joy,

I wouldn't keep the cat, but for my kid, Little Lee.

SCHOOL SALISBURY STEAK OR STARVE

I went to the grocery store to buy just one pound of ground beef,

I looked at all the high beef prices, and said, "oh, good greedy grief",

I couldn't afford any meat,

I bought bananas to eat,

I told the kids to rely on school lunches, and eat, eat, eat, eat.

FLYING MONKEY, HAIR THIEF

Along came a big flying monkey, and he flew off with my toupee,

I'll never see that fake hair again, because the monk flew far away,

My new hairline I fear,

Sits just north of my ear,

Oh, those big, bad, nasty, flying monkeys; may they find much woe, one day.

I EAT NO PEACHES

I was hungry for peaches, so I went to the grocery store,

The store didn't have any peaches, because they were needed for war,

I did not know what that meant,

I gave the manager, my vent,

My big vent made me very tired, so I went home for a snore.

CHRISTMAS CANDY 2024

I found the wrapped candy canes, left over from last year,

Are they still good? Or should I just feed them to the deer?  

When I went to buy some more,

I found the prices, did soar,

I tried an old candy cane; they're still good to stir beer.

THEY DON'T HATCH OUT ALL GROWNUP

I inherited a dinosaur egg; it was really old,

The old egg has been in my family, since a time untold,

Yesterday, a saur popped out,

The kids and spouse all gave a shout,

They named the dino Spanky, because he acted two years old.

A PENNY SAVED IS A WASTE OF TIME

I gathered my pennies; took them to the bank, and they weren't worth a thing,

The bank stoped exchanging currency for pennies, sometime, late last spring,

With a million pennies, I am stuck,

I am completely out of good luck,

Too bad the copper pennies weren't made of gold, I'd melt them into bling.

ODE TO THE PENNY AND THE STARFISH

The last penny I own, I threw into the sea,

To sink to the starfish, to keep its company,

The dollar is the new penny,

I do not have very many,

Inflation is so bad, it stinks to be a me.

I SHOWED UNCLE JOE, THE DOE I GOT WITH MY BOW

I went to the cemetery to visit Uncle Joe,

His tiny headstone was all covered with new fallen snow,

Both of my hands were gloved,

One gave the snow a shove,

I showed Joe a pic of my big deer, no points, its a doe.

MONKEY BRAIN INSANE.

There was a brain eating monkey that entered my ear,

The monkey is small, but he's eating my brains, I fear

My big eyeballs twitch and twirl,

Makes my stomach want to hurl,

Maybe a cure for Monkey Brain, will come yet this year.

IF YOUR LIFE STINKS, BLAME THE GNOMES

My broke parents are canceling our Christmas, this year,

No cookies for elves, and Santa won't get his wheat beer,

Wow, our dinner menu is to please,

It's macaroni and yellow cheese,

My present is a stick, that garden gnomes will soon fear.

I EYEBALL VOLLEYBALL

I was fishing in a boat on a bay, when a unicorn swam in from the sea,

The unicorn had four legs and a golden saddle, and was beckoning to me,

I hopped upon his sea saddle,

He swam, I didn't have to paddle,

He swam me to a team finals volleyball beach; seems they needed a referee.

BIG BUCK, SON OF THE DEER HUNTER

In my previous life, I was a big, buck deer,

I would run through the big, spruce forest, full of fear,

A hunter shot me,

And, food I did be,

Now, I'm the Hunter's son, and deer season is near.

THE RESTRICTED PENNY

I am an 80 year old beggar, and I live on the street,

People throw me a penny, and tell me, just spend it to eat,

I give them a big, giant grin,

Tell them, I'm spending it on sin,

Watching their persnickety reactions, is one joyful, great treat.

I REPURPOSED THE MICE IN MY HOUSE

My warm home was full of hundreds of mice, and I noticed they were real fury,

I wanted to catch them and make a coat, but they were always in a hurry,

So, I caught the mice with a quickie,

Rodent traps with a side that's sticky,

I cleaned out the bones and guts, then took the furs to a coat maker, named Murray.  .

ATTACK OF THE SNOUT FLIES

It got so warm in my little cabin, the flies hatched out,

They were buzzing all around, and buzz singing all about,

I whacked them with the fly swatter,

When they pooped in my tea potter,

Several big flies attacked me, by flying up my snout.

LITTLE BOX HOME LIVING

My health insurance, now costs twice as much as my high rent,

So, I gave up my apartment, to live in a small tent,

But, I found a nice box downtown,

Into that, I will settle down,

I'll build a fire inside, after I punch out a vent.

THE MACAROON MOON

I went far off into space to find me a livable moon,

I wanted to move to a nice, warm moon, and move there real soon,

I found one that was pretty,

The moon was itty bitty,

My family all moved there, and baked two types of macaroon.

I STAND STRAIGHT UP, BUT DIZZY

I grow red potatoes on the side of a steep hill,

Most people can't quite stand up straight, but I have that skill,

I go hoe, hoe, hoe, hoe,

Then my potatoes grow,

Sometimes I get dizzy, until I take my heart pill.

FACE VS THE MAPLE TREE

I ran my new bicycle into a big maple tree,

I lost all my front teeth, and some stored brain cell history,

In the hospital bed, I bled,

From the gaping holes in my head,

I hope that I heal fast, so back to biking I will be.

MY CHICKEN AND THE TWO LITTLE EGGS

My chicken laid two little eggs that I fried up with some ham,

The kids did not like breakfast; they wanted bacon flavored Spam,

They had cereal with sugar,

The youngest one, picked a booger,

I ate the eggs and ham, with toast dripping with blackberry jam.

IN NATURE, SIZE MATTERS

Winter came and brought misery, misery, I am told,

It blocked the paths of all creatures, and suffered them, the cold,

Cold hurts the face, and ears, and icy little paws,

It favors those with talons, teeth and sharpened claws,

I'm a bear napping in my cave, and on that life I'm sold.

I'M AN EGGHEAD WHO SCOOPS POOP FOR A LIVING

When I was admired as a scholar,

I never made one single whole dollar,

My mind was prepared,

Yet, nobody cared,

I'm paid to walk dogs leashed to a collar.

I TENT AND HAVE NEVER CAVED

I was told that in debates, I consistently cave,

That opinion came from my hero, big Brother Dave,

But, no cave have I been,

I do tent, now and then,

Ben said I should use the brain cells, that nature had gave.

PEAR PREJUDICE

I thought of eating pears, about mid-week,

So, it was off to the store, to pear seek,

Well, seekers beware,

There were no pears there,

I heard one clerk say, "another pear freak".

SAFE, AFFORDABLE HOUSING WITH MA AND BERT

I build myself a small, livable yurt,

Along comes a wind, I sleep on just dirt,

My yurt blows far away,

It sinks out in the bay,

I move home with mom, and stepdad named, Bert.

SLEEPY ROGER AND THE RAT

One pound of water and five pounds of milk fat,

That is the composition of my dumb cat,

His name is Old Sleepy Roger,

He's an activity dodger,

The last time he moved, he was bit by a rat.

His last move was when he was bit by a rat.

I USE TO VISIT SIDNEY, AT THE DOLLAR STORE IN MICHIGAN-MID

I use to go to a dollar store, when I was a little kid,

I had a much older brother who worked there, he was named, Sid,

Sid was married to Raydean,

They had kids, Bill and Maureen,

They all lived in a  tent in a park, and that is what they did.

I HAVE NO JOB, SO I'LL SQUAT

Because the airlines operate on a massive delay,

I missed a meeting and got a big reduction in pay,

In fact, I was  fired,

That wasn't desired,

With no paycheck for rent; I'll find a nice squat, where I'll stay.

MOTH MAN VAMPIRES BITE

I always felt the biggest danger from the moths,12

Was their desire to consume many of my cloths,12

It seems moths have blood desires,8

Months are ravenous vampires,8

We will now provide moths with foamy, red, blood broths.

THE ANNUAL HOLIDAY DINNER AND PUKE

We have Thanksgiving, before we can celebrate our annual Ho Ho, Ho!

Then we meet and  eat ma's half frozen turkey, until our guts feel woe, woe, woe!

The Thanksgiving belly ache,

When we vomit pie and cake,

Ma's turkey is always so darn raw, but she says, we should chew real slow, slow, slow!

THE BRIGHT SIDE OF BEING BRAINLESS

I have a very diseased, unthinking, squirrelly, little brain,

Doc says, it is so brittle and little, I must be insane,

My brain cells died one by one,

Because I stared at the sun,

But, without many brain cells, I feel no guilt, no hate, no pain.

CAREER DEATH OF A FOOD BLOGGER

There was a constant blogger, who blogged about preparing his every meal,

He thought if he blogged his meal details, he'd receive lots of click-bait appeal,

That blogger wasn't bright,

But he was very right,

His Meal Blog made him popular, until the day he cooked that baby seal.

THE JAZZ BAND

I rocked out with tones on my electric guitar,

In a jazz band that played at a hillbilly bar,

We had a great base,

His solos were ace,

Our drummer was so poor, he lived under my car.

WITH TONE AND CONE, I WON FIRST BONE

I auditioned for the local orchestra, to play 1st chair trombone,

I played a song called "Om Papa", with my bone muted by a mute cone,

It took a little while, 

For my " Om Papa" style,

To captivate the judges, with my interpretation, style and tone.

AFTER LOSING MY ELECTION, I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE

I lost the house election, now I must leave my home to go sleep,

I was accused of teasing the new dog; I got labeled, a creep,

The 5 kids named me, Daniel

I am a Cocker Spaniel,

All of the kids voted me out to the doghouse, where I will weep.

TEETH BITE, BUT A WREATH SUCKS

Benny did me a solid, when he loaned me his teeth,

The teeth weren't for me, they were for my Grandfather Keith,

Gramps had a date dinner,

With a rich widow winner,

But, instead of flowers, he gave her a vine, heart shaped wreath.

NO JOB = NO HOME = GROCERY CART LIFE

This sad morning, my old rusty, purple pickup would not start,

My vehicle turned over once, then the engine blew apart,

I was so late for my job,

Was fired by my boss, Bob,

Real soon, I'll be pushing a reliable grocery cart.

I AM BOSS CHEF

I made me some spaghetti and dumped in a can of sauce,

Into this mixture, my special meatballs, I gave a toss,

It tasted so good,

The best in my hood,

My brilliant cooking, shows that in the kitchen, I am boss.

PLYWOOD IN SPACE

I built a giant spaceship in outer space, all out of plywood,

It traveled between planets just ace, but the reentry was no good,

So, my investment of sweat and cash,

All turned into a flame and then ash,

I have understood, my nauts and I fell on my old neighborhood.

GRANDMA'S GOOD GRUB

Trina had a hunger urge, so she went to Lucky Street,

Trina wanted to buy some sweet candy, and dead, red meat,

The candy was old and stale,

The only meat, a pig tail,

So, Trina went on to Grandma's, who had good grub to eat.

CHAOS AND THE JUDGE

I tried to create some chaos, because that's the popular thing to do,

I went to a pharmacy lab, and released the rats, and the monkeys too,

I did not make it too far,

Ended up in a cop car,

My mean judge, had a chaos grudge; I got 20 years, now my crimes, I rue.

THE TATTOO

To scare my spouse, pets and kids, when I am feeling the blue,

I went to the barber and bought me a scorpion tattoo,

Its in the middle of my forehead,

And, I gave it a human name, Fred,

I showed the kids, and they started laughing, I cried, boohoo.

I CRUNCH PASTA

I went to the local grocery store to buy some food for lunch,

I bought a pack of spaghetti, because to eat I have to crunch,

I use to have a few more teeth,

Until that fight with cousin Keith,

All I have left are a few back teeth, because Keith knows how to punch.

THE AFTER AFFECTS OF PLUMS ON PLUMBING

After over snacking, all evening, on prunes or plums,

Tension filled guests, waited in a line, to empty their tums,

The pipes took in literally, a ton,

Before a severe backup, overrun,

Then, guests ran out the backdoor, to self-relieve in the mums.

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FAILED GARDENER, FAMILY REJECT

J went outside to hoe my garden, but everything was dead,

Somehow it had turned to fall, but it was spring inside my head,

Where did the spring and summer go?

Did something change in my time flow?

I fear my family will leave me; I've no food to keep them fed.

NO JOB, NO FOOD, BUT I CAN NAP

My job went away when my corporate employer got sued,

I just went to place where the government hands out old, canned food,

There was no food today,

I walked down to the bay,

I took a long nap to get me into a more positive mood.