I DIGS A HOUND HOLE FOR MY FRIEND 2

My dearest friend in the world, the hound, he died,

The ancient woodland fairies, they cried and cried,

I put my hound in the hole,

Said "fare thee well", to his soul,

The fit was real tight, because the hole wasn't wide.

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THE ANIMAL LANGUAGES RHYME

My turtle named Herman could speak only German,
My pet fish Louise spoke just Japanese,
My little pet finch could speak only French,
My dolphin named Wendy only spoke Hindi,
My pet snake named Vanish spoke nothing but Spanish,
My big goose named Maelic just spoke words in Gaelic,
My tame honey bees conversed Portuguese,
My doggy named Patton knew no words but Latin,
And, Albert the cat just listened and sat.    

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A SPIDER NAMED NELLIE LIMERICK

A spider named Nellie lived under the stairs,
This spider named Nellie was afraid of big bears,
She would never go outside,
Under the stairs she would hide,
Counting each of her forty-one graying hairs.

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PIT AND THE GIT

Donny was a really mean, awful git,

Donny had a big bulldog, he called Pit,

Donny teased him with meat, 

But wouldn't let poor Pit eat,

Pit bit off Donny's buns, now he can't sit.

ZOOM DOCTORS DECIDE

I met with four crazy doctors on the Zoom,

They discussed the condition causing my gloom,

They said don't bother to retire,

For I was about to expire,

They said I should contemplate my pending doom.

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WHEN THE FIRST BIRDS BUILT A NEST JIMMY CHEERED

When the first birds built a nest Jimmy cheered,
For the winter lasted longer than he feared,
His food was all gone,
He had no stuff left to pawn,
All he had left was to chew on his beard.

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Meeting

Tracy went to Sarnia to visit the Prince,

Poor, old Mr. Tracy has not been heard from since,

Dan went to Hope,

To visit the Pope,

The visit went well, except meeting was tense.

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN II

My time machine broke down back in Ancient Rome,
I met Nero Czar and he was a weird little gnome,
He'd sit out in his flower garden,
Passing gas and saying "pardon",
Then, he'd spout some idiotic poem.

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MY BIRD SONG

Many birds are here this spring,

Doing their tweet and pecking thing,

Building nests beneath roofs, in trees,

All busy parents the shes and hes,

Seeds and bugs to their young they bring,

And, joy to the babies moms and daddies sing.

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THE GHOSTED TIME TRAVELERS

On my brand new time-ship, everything went all blurry,

As some particles slowed, others started to hurry,

I felt my particles collide,

Pretty sure we all died,

At least now that I am dead, I don't have to worry.

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MY SPACESHIP CRASHED, AGAIN

Because I used repurposed tin,

My spaceship fell apart again,

No trip out to Mars,

Let alone the stars,

A crashing spaceship is no win.

MONDAY, I'M OFF TO WORK

Monday morning I am soar,

I am tired and could sleep some more,

I was a weekend rowdy,

My mind is still cloudy,

I can't remember how to open the door.

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WHAT I FED MY PET TROLL

I had a pet troll I kept under a bridge,

I made him a troll house out of a non-working fridge,

I fed him crackers and cheese,

For a treat frosty freeze,

With chips known for their wave and their ridge.

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I GOT A JOB IN DAIRY OUT ON PLANET X

I was abducted by an alien that landed a ship from outer space,

I knew he/she was an alien because her/his eyes glowed on his/ her face,

She/he took me to a store/farm,

She/he offered me no harm,

But he/she said I'd be milking cows and stocking the dairy case.

MICKEY THE PICKY

Mickey The Picky, was a big, meany grouch,

He laid around and complained, from his stuffed couch,

That made mom and dad,

Fell terribly sad,

So they gave Mickey many coins for his coin pouch.

HENRY IS SICK

Henry ate a great big plate of green, raw, frozen clams,

Henry barfed at the fun party at the house of Sam's,

Henry walked his way back home,

Past where was the Silverdome,

Henry remembered the Lions win, against the Rams.

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BEN DOES THE SNOW

Ben's driveway was covered with snow,

Ben decided to give it a blow,

Ben is just a big slob,

He did one sloppy job,

Then he cleaned off the ice with a hoe.

FEEDING THE WEREWOLF

I was out in my garden, sitting in my summer seat,

Waiting for the werewolf, for he was coming for his meat,

I heard a crackling in the wood,

Behind me, the werewolf stood,

I felt his hot breath, his teeth, and he proceeded to eat.

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THE BANANA LIMERICK

I left my bananas on my kitchen counter top,
The bananas ripened and ripened, I din't think they could stop,
Then, I noticed one day,
My bananas had ripened away,
Leaving behind a runny, gooey slop.

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VINCENT PLAYED THE SAXOPHONE

Vincent played the saxophone,
He was completely deaf to tone,
He sounded like Jazz,
But, had no pizzazz,
For pay they would throw him a bone.

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HAM FLAVORED CLERKY MANAGER

A lion walked into a grocery store, looking for a plump clerk,

The clerks were all very thin and busy, rushing around their

 work,

A portly mean manager, named Sam,

Was yelling, and smelled like ham,

The lion hauled Sam out the door, and fed her cubs ham flavored jerk.

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THE BARGAIN STORE

I went shopping for bargains at the bargain store,
But, when I wanted a bargain I ended up paying more,
I went consumer empowered,
But, with high prices got showered,
I came home with high priced items and poor.

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THE TOAST GHOST

Mr. Eddie was a mean, nasty, old ghost,

He liked to paint pictures on my French toast,

He used my berry jelly,

A gift from aunt Ellie,

His paintings of spiders, scarred me the most.

THE CEILING

A ceiling keeps me from getting totally wet,

It keeps some snow out, so mommy don't get upset,

Then there is dad,

He is macho bad,

If he'd just put up walls, we'd be better off, yet.

THE SINGING SNAPDRAGONS (A BOY BAND ODYSSEY)

Seven little snapdragons were swimming in the salt sea,

They climbed aboard my fishing boat, and sang sweet songs to me,

 I took them back to my dump,

Sat them out on a fresh stump,

Where the snapdragons all sang in cute boy band harmony.

COLLECTING A BOUNTY ON A YETTI

I went to the Michigan Yetti Fair,

All the very famous yettis were there,

I went to that county,

To claim a yetti bounty,

The proceeds would make my debts all go square.

PITBULL DANCER

Rene  had a pretty dancing Pitbull, named Trina,

Rene trained Trina to dance like a real ballerina,

Trina danced the Pirouette,

From daybreak, until sunset,

When Trina went outside, she'd pee on a Gardena.

MY SHORT HAIRED DOG GOT RABIES, SO I BOUGHT A HAIRY ONE

I once had a Boston terrier,

He was a big rabies carrier,

He foamed at the mouth,

Took off, going south,

I bought a collie, much hairier.  

MY CHICKEN LEG AND GEESE LIMERICK

I sat on a park bench, and did sup with the geese,

I chewed a leg of chicken, then threw them a piece,

The geese all honked and they  hooped

Then on the sidewalk, they pooped,

Oh, the wonders of nature, will they ever cease?

I'M NOT LAZY; I MAKE STEW

When I have a lot of work to do,

I do nothing, except make a stew,

I take a special pill,

So I can eat roadkill,

Or my skin turns green, and then turns blue.

THE LURKING COYOTE AND PAUL

There's a coyote lurking in my barn,

He ate a very skinny rat, oh darn,

The rat was called Paul,

He lived in a stall,

Paul made a nest for his babies, with yarn.

FOUR, MY VALENTINE

I now have a gorgeous Valentine, named four,

I had of course three past one's, I once did adore,

I save money, using my brains,

And repurpose old candy canes,

I box them up, like nice new candy from a store.

BE MY VALENTINE WARNING

Who wants to be my Valentine on this Monday morning,

I don't have all my marbles, so consider this your warning,

My chocolate little heart,

I will give to you sweet tart,

Then we'll shop for dishware over in the town of Corning.

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THE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED SHORT-LEGGED PIG

My pig has short legs by design,

A genetically engineered short-legged swine,

His legs can't support his great weight,

So, like a good mate,

He stays home sharing stories and wine.

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SPACESHIP

There was never a tempest during last night,

That created that intensive, flashing light,

There was not any moon,

There was a humming tune,

A parked alien spaceship, hung in plain sight.

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I LOVE NEWBURY CHOCOLATES

I drove on up to Newbury to purchase some chocolate treats,

They make chocolate the old fashioned way; they mix it with their feets,

Their chocolates smell so fine,

Matching vapors in port wine,

There are lots of free chocolate samples; I eats, and eats, and eats.

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THE SIMPLE CHEF

I have made a peanut butter post,

Taught people how to spread it on toast,

Next post, it's my fruit jelly,

It's both chewy and smelly,

PBJ on toast, bests a beef roast.

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CANNED CONTENTS CAN VARY

I bought canned fruit that had some cherries,

Mixed in with pears, grapes and berries,

Imagine, I had to report,

I found a toe with a wart,

So, contents of canned fruit sometimes varies.

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THE SNOW IS WOE LIMERICK

I don't like November snow,

It traps my car, so I can't go,

Will I get food, I do not know,

The cold hurts, I feel woe,

I hired someone for a driveway blow.

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LIGHTNING AND THE TIN POST

I put in the steps, so downhill I wouldn't slide,

I dug some post holes along my steps outside,

I used cheap posts and rails made of tin,

Each costing less than a fin,

But lightning made my rail greatly divide. 

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DOWN WITH PICKLEBALL

I use to play pickleball,

Then I had a trip and a fall,

After the hospital cost,

My nest egg was lost,

That's when I gave my lawyer a call.

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MY TAINTED TUNA

My tuna fish was kind of tainted,

With blue and green dots it was painted,

Although, it was my main course,

It smelled like sweat from my horse,

With the garbage the tuna was acquainted.  

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BARRY THE BLUE BOOMERANG TRAVELS OFF TO RED MARS

Barry the blue boomerang, was tornadoed into space,

Barry, the first space boomerang, had gained one famous face,

With the good luck of the stars,

Barry would soon be on mars,

Where he hoped to retire, and settle and find a place.

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WOODSTOVE MELTED PLASTIC FAN, AND MY SHACK BURNED.

My fan got hot and caught on fire,

It was atop my woodstove, which caused the dire,

My melted, plastic fan,

Made great flames and I ran,

My shack was nearly all paid off, now I can't retire.

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MY GERBIL NAMED BEN

My hamster drank water from the Flint River today,
He turned into a grasshopper and then hopped away,
And, my gerbil named Ben,
Drank the water and then,
Became a bear and I was his prey.

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RISE OF THE DREADED DEAD

As we summoned up the dead,

All the sky turned bloody red,

With our sacrifice, the demons were fed,

They drank the blood from the severed head,

Then from the graves the corpses were led,

To stalk the living and bring them dread,

While the living slumber in quiet bed,

Making pretty dreams, instead.

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JIMBO'S CHICKEN COOP FIRE

When Jimbo's chicken coop caught fire,

The chickens escaped over the chicken wire,

But, they didn't get anywhere,

They were all ate by a bear,

Now, Jimbo's chicken farm's future is dire.

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COOP

MICHIGAN STEW AND THE BELLY AND BLUE

I went to Bohemia Michigan for some of their famous stew,

It tasted quite a bit off, because it was very old, and not new,

I had quite an ill belly,

Gassing up, getting swelly,

I got a ride to the hospital, after I passed out and turned blue.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH, BUT I VLOG

I can't tell if my pet is a cat or a dog,

It could be a goldfish, or a tree climbing frog,

I should go to school,

But that is not cool,

I would rather spend time making my video vlog.

AI AND THE ZOMBIES

AI put some chips in my head,

That raised me back from the real dead,

I started snarling for food,

AI said "ok, dead dude",

AI gave me some brains, now I'm fed.

THE BIRDS

There were three birds on my clothesline, and they were pooping on my clothes,

I told them not to do it, but they each turned up their bird beak nose,

I got out my squirt gun,

Squirted them, had some fun,

As they flew off, they pooped on my head, and it ran down to my toes.

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ATTACK OF THE VOLES 2

The cruel voles are sneaking into neighborhoods,

Towards the little village of Chewy Woods,

Once they are there,

No shrub they will spare,

Nurseries will be bare of live garden goods.

MY BAD DAY IN COURT

Because my behavior was on report,

I was ordered to appear in the court,

But there was a grudge,

Came from the mean judge,

He said my breath smelled like a brandy snort.

A WELCOME HOME FOR MY VALENTINE

While I am happily preparing for the love holiday,

Until Valentine's, my love has tripped and traveled far away,

Then I'll make a nice meal,

Wear my clean shirt, it's teal,

I will lite and smoke incense to make my house smell ok. 

THE POGO STICK NATION

The pogo stick competition has grown in reputation,

For the pogo stick sport is a hopping sensation,

Pogo stick competition is everywhere you go,

Some compete for duration others, win, place or, show,

The popularity of pogo has triple-digit inflation.

It's clear we have become a pogo stick nation.

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BAD DAY AND BOWS

I tripped over my toes,

That started off my woes,

I hit my head,

I went to bed,

For breakfast, I had macaroni bows.

THE TRAPEZOID.

I was watching a big meteor flying at us from the sky,

It was quite apparent that soon it would hit us, and we would die,

Then a bright spaceship appeared,

It was trapezoid, so weird,

The spaceship laser-beamed the meteor, it blew apart, oh my!

I GOT SOME SPLEENING TO DO

I live in rural America, where the bestest food is fried spleen,

We eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and all meals in between,

I like for a munchy,

Fried spleen that is crunchy,

If you eat spleen far to often, you will find your gills turning green.

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THE YEAR OF THE DRAGON

It's the Year Of The Dragon, and I have nowhere for him to sleep,

 If he stays within these, my walls, it will be in the castle keep,

What does he like to eat?

What's his favorite meat?

I have lot's of peasant villagers, that are calling me a creep.

FEEDING A MICHIGAN WOLVERINE

A wolverine barged through my door, looking for something to eat,

I fixed him a stack of pancakes, but he wanted only meat,

I took him to the grocery store,

I bought him  chicken, and beef and more,

I bought him some thick, smoked bacon for an after dinner treat.

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