I DON'T UNDERSTAND NOTHING

I'm the only one I know that does not have a quantum physics degree,

All that fancy math and stuff are just too much for me,

I don't even understand, the signal that gets boxed in my tv,

Can't comprehend why in algebra, they use the letters x, y and z,

And the biggest mystery of all; why do English Folk drink tea.

MY LITTLE RED GOAT

My favorite pet was a little red goat,

The only thing that she would eat was red coat,

She would eat mink, wool or leather,

But she would never taste pleather,

Pleather gave her bubble gas, and she would bloat,

WHAT LURKS BETWEEN THE TOES

Gym hired a surgeon, who fixed Gym's big nose,

While they were at it, they cleaned between Gym's toes,

The surgeon removed a tick,

And a big green pogo stick,

And a fifty foot, green garden hose.

TOENAILS-HAIKU

TOENAILS

Toenails, hard, long, gray,
Clippers, dull, tear, pull, pinch, shriek,
Toenails, short, jagged.

CY THE LITTLE FISH MEETS GYM

Gym caught a little fish, the fish called himself Cy,

Cy flipped and flopped, he begged, said he didn't want to die,

Gym said, "oh that is nice",

Then added some tart spice, 

And, dropped Cy into the fry pan to fry.

WHAT MARTIANS WANT

I bought a large stretch of real estate on planet Mars,

I opened a dealership to sell electric cars,

The Martians would not buy,

Claimed the prices were high,

So I closed down, then opened some disco tech bars.  

I BUILT A CABIN IN A SWAMP

I built a cabin in a swamp,
So, I'd have a place to romp,
I love all the snakes and the bugs,
With them it's kisses and hugs,
But, on the lizards I like to stomp.

LICK STAMPS GET CRAMPS LIMERICK

Mr. B has belly cramps,
He thinks he got them licking stamps,
The stamps were already sticky,
With glue that tastes icky,
Now, near to the restroom he camps.

 

BIG FOOT HUNTING IN MICHIGAN

Big foot hunting in Michigan,
Hard to hunt, hard to see,
Shot at one once,
Turned out to be a tree.

Big foot hunting in Michigan,
Hard to hunt, hard to see,
Shot at one once,
Got my brother-in-law in the knee.

WEREWOLF WAITING

There was a werewolf waiting up in an oak tree,

He was waiting there for hours, just for me,

He jumped down on my head,

Made me feel half dead,

Then he took off saying, he had to go pee.

I DIDN'T BRING HOME A PAYCHECK, BUT I BROUGHT HOME BEDBUGS INSTEAD

I brought home little bedbugs in my shoes,

They will bite you all over, if they choose,

If you have some blood,

They'll make you their bud,

And the red spots, will proclaim the bad news.

THE FOREST WENT QUIET

My neighbors love their poacher pie,
But when the squirrels all disappeared, it made me cry,
So because of my neighbors' diet,
The forest went real quiet,
And I no longer saw things that could swim, or run or fly.

THE GINGERBREAD AQUARIUM

Ron built an aquarium out of gingerbread,
It didn't hold water and his fish are all dead,
It may not be too soon,
To say Ron's mind's out of tune,
Ron thought the bread would keep his little fish fed.

UNDER THE LAVA LAMP AFTER I DIED

When you die you're supposed to walk into the light,

I tried that, but it was too hot and too bright,

So, I made me a camp,

By a real lava lamp,

Then, some ghouls stopped by for a bite.

LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR

My neighbor weaponized my shovel, and attacked some small ants,

The ants were little red biters, and ran up my neighbor's pants,

Like a bloody, daft fool,

He jumped into my pool,

After my neighbor's rescue, I lectured him on cans and can'ts.  

I LOVE TO DO MY LAUNDERING

I love to go a pondering, when I am full of wrath,

Sometimes I go a wandering, down a muddy path,

Sometimes I climb a steep hill,

Or, A mountain for a thrill,

Sometimes I do my laundering, then I take my bath.

SCUZZ NEEDS A JOB TWO

Sharp as a pencil that I was,

I'm a real hard worker with all I does,

But, I ain't been hired so what's the buzz?

I got no good grammar so, they calls me Scuzz,

Now, I can't read no good and barely write,

But, if we goes to the bar I can fight, 

I ain't got no teeth but, my jaw bone bite,

And, what a grip and I holds on tight,

Of course, I just really need a job,

'fore turns my muscles to belly blob,

I knowed now I should a stayed in school,

Alas, without much learning the world is cruel.

 

THE SQUIRE

When my noble knight's life came to expire,💀

I took his place by my rights as his squire,👑

I beheaded fire breathed dragons with my sword,🗡🐉

Received golden coins for my reward,💰

And, old sods sang me praise in drunken choir.  🎶🎶🎶🍺🍺🍺

SPACE MONSTERS CAN HURT

There's a monster outside my spaceship, and he is from cold, deep space,

I think he wants to eat me, or maybe mess up real bad, my face,

He has long, sharp teeth, to bite,

Long claws to scratch out my sight,

I am wishing right now, I was way back home, by my fireplace.

IT LURKS BEHIND THE CORN

The monster lurking out behind the fielded corn,

We believe from the earth, it was a pumpkin born,

But an evil, magic spell,

Cast by a rouge witch, named Dell,

Carved the Jack-O-Lantern, that hunts before the morn.

WHAT STICKS IT ALL TOGETHER

My latest four cheese homemade pizza, lies in the garbage bin,

Everyone said it was a vile thing, that wreaks of sin,

I made the pizza from stew,

Of course, I had to use glue,

At least it held together, so I give my effort a win.

ORLANDO BASEBALL

Orlando loved playing the outdoor sport of baseball,

He could make the bases, because he was lean and tall,

He shocked all the umpires faces,

When he made 1st base in 2 paces,

Some said Orlando playing, was not fair at all.

MY PSYCHIC GAVE ME A PREDICTION

My psychic told me not to eat out tonight,
She said if I did I’d go blind; lose my sight,
So, I made dinner at my house,
Ate some tainted pheasant and grouse,
I had my stomach pumped and I’m still not alright.

BARN OWL BEAU AND THE BANSHE

In Freeland, there once was a barn owl, named Beau,

In the hen house, Beau saw a banshee named Coe,

Coe had an egg thieving plot,

But the barn owl, thought not,

So Beau bit off a banshe nose and big toe.

CLYDE THE SPIDER LIMERICK

There once was a spider named Clyde,
He built spider webs with such pride,
Then, down came a great rain,
The webs went down the drain,
Now, he builds all his webs inside.

SNEAKY SNAKES AND GERD

Two rattlesnakes snuck up on a bird,

They thought their soft rattles, were not heard,

Then along came a hound pup,

He ate those snakes for his sup,

But got sick from heartburn, caused by gerd.

FREDDY BROKE A LITTLE BONE

Poor Freddy broke his little bone, down in his little knee,

And he could not get it fixed, he couldn't pay the doctor's fee,

Freddy went to bed,

With a headache in his head,

For if his bone didn't get fixed, he'd become an amputee. 

ALICE IS HOME FOR HALLOWEEN

There once was a old wicked witch, named Alice,

She once lived in an old wicked witch palace,

The walls were made from bones,

Painted in dark orange tones,

It was once a coffee bar, down in Dallas.

THE CANARY AND THE RAVEN, A CAUTIONARY TALE

I had a big pet raven, and he liked to eat canary,

He used to eat them by the bunch, like a small, yellow berry,

The canary birds worked together,

Netted my raven in bad weather,

Then they roasted and ate him in a scene that was real scary. 

I'M A DENTAL TECH

I had to find a pair of pliers, because my tooth was throbbing,

I already tried a string, in a technique I call doorknobing,

My tethered tooth did not slightly budge,

But, my doorknob feel apart, oh fudge,

Then there was horrific pain, screaming and great sobbing. 

THE FANCY PET DUDE

I bought a fancy pet dog, and bought him fancy pet food,

I now pretend to be a modern, fancy pet dude,

I chum with fancy pet owner friends,

It's a class of pretends,

Pretending a dog's business isn't crude.

POLLIWOG, TO EAT OR PLAY FETCH WITH? THAT IS THE QUESTION

I walked on down to the pond, and there met Mr. Prince Charming,

He had invested his nest eggs into Polliwog farming,

It was just a terrible deal,

Polliwogs have no pet appeal,

As human food, they might look o.k., but their smells are alarming.

THE E-SCOOTER THAT SCOOTED

My mean e-scooter ran far, far away,

And, left me laying in the road today,

He went so scary fast,

Left me wearing a cast,

I'm gonna sue, he vows he'll never pay.

MEAT, THE IN-LAWS

Henry had a wolverine, he raised it from a small pup,

Now Henry cannot feed the critters 24 hour sup,

So I took the critter off Henry's hands,

Set it free on my northern lands,

I told my in-laws they could camp for free, if they should come up.

LOSING MONEY THE OLD FASHION WAY: INVEST IT

My stock portfolio got down so low,
It had no further down it could go,
I added money hoping my portfolio would grow,
Where the money went my broker didn’t know,

I decided to invest in real estate,
But, when I entered the market it was too late,
Then, the banks all raised their interest rate,
I lost all my investment so, real estate I just hate,

I tried to hedge my money by buying gold,
But, as soon as I bought everyone else sold and sold,
My intentions were good and strategy bold,
Yet, my investment went south and I felt really cold,

I tried safe investing by buying up bonds and t-bills,
But, soon I found my safe portfolio was full of real ills,
My stomach felt like porcupine quills,
Now I’m broke and picking up bottles for my business thrills.

MY EYEBALLS ARE FUZZY, AND MY LIGHTS ARE BEE BUZZY

My light bulbs have some kind of bad disease,

They flicker on and off, an eyeball tease,

When off, it is scary,

When on, I'm just weary,

And, my lights are always buzzing, like bees.

JERKS

Wherever I travel, there are only mean jerks,

From my family at home, to the all store clerks,

I would just stay in bed,

But, I need to get fed,

I guess being real cruel are common human quirks.

THE DELIVERY SNAIL

I decided to buy a new front door,

But, it's too far to the nearest door store,

I bought a door through the mail,

It was delivered by snail,

And boy, was that little snail feeling soar.

FREDDY HAD VISITORS FROM SPACE

A small space shuttle landed in front of Freddy,

The craft landed behind the old crab apple tree,

Two little green creatures,

Who had no facial features,

Picked the apples, then sampled Fred's hair, blood and pee. 

THERE ONCE WAS A POLAR BEAR NAMED LARRY

There was a polar bear named Larry,
He was fat and slow and harry,
He once caught a seal,
But, when it started to squeal,
Larry dropped it because it was scary.

DEALING WITH PARASITES

In order to get them to act nice,

George made a deal with his little lice,

They could live in his beard,

It wouldn't get shaved or sheared,

And, George would bathe each year, only twice.

THE LIGHTNING STRIKE AND MY WHEELS

There was a blasted lightning strike,

It blew apart my motorbike,

I didn't at all care, 

I had one to spare,

It has three wheels, and called a trike.

I'M DONE DECORATING FOR THE SEASON

I found my plastic poinsettia for the winter holiday,

I thought it would be a real colorful display,

I stuck it in my front yard,

With a gargoyle guard,

To scare the Halloween vandals away.

THE YETI AND THE BANNANA

I looked out my train window, and saw a big yeti suit,

I think it was a guy, but it ran when the train went, "TOOT",

It ran into a chicken coup,

Could not see it, oh gosh, darn poop,

Out it came with a beer can, eating a banana fruit.

WHAT I'VE DONE SENCE COLLEGE

I studied corporate finance, also quantum physics two,

I got a job in banking, managed money, for people like yew,

Then the securities market tanked

My security licence was yanked,

Now I'm in a federal prison, but I got a window view.

WHAT I'VE DONE SINCE HIGH SCHOOL

From my burgers grease is dripping,

At the fast food place I'm burger flipping,

It's been my lifelong career,

Due to my counselor steer,

And, the teachers I spent my time ripping.

I RAISED THREE PIGS NAMED JASON

I raised three pigs named Jason,
They spent all their time horse-racing.
One day they went bold,
Their houses they sold,
They lost big while their pony was pacing.

The Jason’s were three brash little pigs,
They lived in really comfortable digs,
But, they bet all their money,
On a pony named Sony,
Now, they’re street vendors selling whiskey and cigs.

THE PIT AND THE SPIT

I decided to eat us a big peach,

Now, a peach has a big pit, my pa teach,

When my tooth made a hit,

I knew it be the pit,

I licked it dry, and spit it out of my reach.

THE FORTY TOOT SALUTE TO THE DRAGONFLY FOOTBALL TEAM

Forty toots on my toot toot,

Is the Dragonfly salute,

It's good when marching in a band,

Or, playing from a rising stand,

I show the team I give a hoot.

WHAT DIED IN PHIL'S PIE HOLE?

Phil had the most awful, smelly pie hole,

Like someone didn't flush a full bathroom bowel,

His love said, "no kiss",

"Would rather drink, dog piss",

The bad stink came from deep down in Phil's soul.

"THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH"

Phil became a landlord to make money, and it's aces,

He crams a lot of people into little tiny places,

Phil decided, what the heck,

He takes tenants whole paycheck,

Phil smiles, taking checks from those little starving faces.

I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT

I went to see the King of Pudding, and the King first had me jailed,

Because I did not like his puddings, the King next had me impaled, 

I appealed to his big boss,

She was the Queen of Mustard Sauce,

But before the Queen could act, all my internal organs failed.

THE WEEPING WILLOW TREE

There was a warped weeping willow tree, and it weeped, and weeped away,

It weeped spring, summer and fall, and cried icicles on Christmas Day,

It's parents were cut for firewood,

That made the willow cry real good,

Then the willow was cut for lumber, built a home for Mr. Gray. 

YETI, YETI IN THE WOODS

Yeti, Yeti in the woods,
You broke in my cabin and ate my canned goods,
You are just one evil dude,
Because you stole my favorite food,

I love my tuna from the sea,
I work hard to have it just for me,
I'd gladly give you my musk rat pelt,
If I could have my tuna melt.
,

MENU FOR MY DINNER PARTY

There's nothing more nutritious than burnt beans and raw fishes,

Everyone loves it:  guests lick clean their own dishes,

Then a desert of ice cream and tripe,

But the tripe must be ripe,

Finally, the fish bones may be broke granting wishes.

FRIDAY THE 13TH, BROWNIES AND "DIE DAY"

It is the evil number 13, on a Friday,

In the scary movies, it is known as the "die day",

You all better beware,

Get too much of a scare,

The back of undies, will have a big brownie pie day.

HALLOWEEN CANDY STORE

It's a real full moon,
And Halloween soon,
The trick and treaters,
Are candy over eaters,

 Making the candy store sales balloon.

I GOT MY CANDY BARS, BRING ON HALLOWEEN

I bought twenty-six pounds of candy bars for my Halloween,

I'm not sharing any of them, because I'm greedy and mean,

I am no silly fool,

My candy bars, stay cool,

I don't want the chocolate ones to melt, and make a messy scene.

NOBILITY, WORMS AND SQUIRMS

Oh, the noble chicken reigns, over the bugs and worms,

And, all creatures in the chicken coup, with the chicken, come to terms,

For the chicken, it can eat ya,

In a battle, it will defeat ya,

But, then here comes the fox, and in it's mouth the chicken squirms.

THE MOTORBIKE PIKE AND THE BEAR

Herman was a northern pike,
He rode around on a motorbike,
When the wind dried his scales,
Into a ditch Herman bails,
Where he was ate by a bear named, Big Mike.