WICKED CHILI

Looking under his chair, Jim found himself, a piece of chili,

It was only a single bean, it was furry and frilly,

It tasted uncouth,

It poisoned a tooth,

It made Jimmy have a  sore belly; his colon felt silly.

PET PARK, BAD SHARK, DOGGY BARK

I got bit by a nasty old shark,

In the wading pool at the pet park,

But, there was a doggy,

He looked after, poor me,

The dog chased off the shark with one bark.

TUBA TERRY IN TUCKER TOWN

Terry played the tuba in parades in Tucker Town,

Every holiday, he'd parade uptown to down,

Back aches made Terry moan,

So, he switched to Sousaphone,

Now, Terry marches pain free, from Main Street down to Brown.

MY SWEETIE HAS A NEW FRIEND😞

My sweetie had a tantrum, oh yes, my sweetie had a big fit,

My sweetie kicked me out of the house, so I sleep by the fire pit,

It's so cold, holy cow,

I could use some hot chow,

My sweetie moved in a friend; by the fireplace they spoon and sit.

CUTIE PIE

There once was a cutie pie,

The dear love that made me cry,

I said "oh, good grief",

Cutie was a thief,

I bid my wallet, bye, bye.

HOLIDAY IN PORTUGAL

I went to Portugal to buy some stringy cheese,

While I was there, I bought honey made by some bees,

I ate some cooked, ground pork,

Drank wine; it had a cork,

Ordered a cherry pie, but it had to unfreeze. 

HEMINGWAY WITH MEMES?

I'm not good at reading, and my writing is pretty sad,

I can type some on my cellphone, so that negates some bad,

I find rad, iconic memes,

Add them to my message schemes,

I could become the best writer, the earth has ever had.

SODA POP, OLD

My soda was not hot, and my soda pop was not cold,

My soda pop was flat, because my soda was so old,

Most times, its cold and fizzy,

Which makes me brains, freeze dizzy,

That was the worst soda pop, and mommy, I rightly told.

CAN'T GO WRONG WITH PAISLEY

I bought a new, clearance hoodie; it had a paisley design,

I thought I would go show it off, at the local dine and wine,

I knew I must look really stunning,

As patrons laughed, their tears were running,

I know that when I choose paisley, my social creds, will be fine.

MEDIEVAL EVIL MONSTER

There was a Griffin sitting up in an ash tree,

His laser sharp talons, sliced both arms off of me,

He bit off my head,

Thought then, I was dead,

I decomposed, until there was nothing to see.

THE U-SAP DATE

She gave me a three foot tall of maybes, when I asked her for a date,

Then gave me a two month bout with scabies, she's a zero, I did rate,

My online dating app,

It is called U-SAP,

It has high fees, and feeds off my desire, to find a perfect mate.

BAD MASTER OF THE CAT

I opened up a can of fish, and made some mackerel stew,

I pulled out quite a few bones that I fed to my kitten, Boo,

Boo ate the mackerel bones,

I dined on stew, and fresh scones,

After our dinner, Boo and I fell into our sleeping zones.

I SEE THE CAN AS HALF FULL

Our outdoor potty seems far, far away,

As the cold wind blows on this winter day,

There is the old coffee can,

Half filled by our cousin, Ann,

I will top it off, then inside I'll stay.

I'M NOT READY FOR WINTER

The cold winter wind blows, then repeats,

It's winter, and I have no blankets or sheets,

Deliveries are at a stop,

Even for my dear, soda pop,

And of course, I need a new furnace that heats.

THE PILGRIM MADE PROGRESS, UNTIL...

There was a young pilgrim at my front door, 

He delivered cranberries from the store,

I paid him a tip, 

Away he did skip,

He fell on his butt, and I bet he was sore.

RICH AND POOR: THE DOUGH GLAZER STORY

I sold glazed donuts in my own glazed donut store,

I became filthy rich, and then went dirty poor,

A cave in of my dwelling,

Caused donuts to stop selling,

I had no insurance, so I could not restore.

MOON MONSTER PUTS ASTRONAUT ON HIATUS, FOREVER

I walked all the way to Tranquility Base,

There, a mean moon monster got into my face,

Feeling real tough that day,

I told him to run away,

It's ten years since I vanished, without a trace.

I SING TO STEAL BLING FROM DWARFS AND A DRAGON

I snuck into the mountain, and the dwarfs did not hear a thing,

I grabbed and ran away, with their sparkling jewels, and gold bling,

Then I saw back and forth wagging,

A dragon tale that was dragging,

I sang him to sleep with a lullaby; just glad I could sing.

CANDY CANE BELLY JUICE, AND PORCELAIN

Jimmy found a porcelain toilet, he could use on Christmas Eve,

Jimmy liked eating candy canes, but the canes would make him heave,

On this holiday,

Jimmy stayed with Aunt May,

Aunt May cooked our nice meal, so belly sick Jimmy, could not leave.

LARRY STAYED HOME, AGAIN

It was early morning, and Larry's feet were covered with snow,

And, everywhere that Larry went, the snow would blow blow, blow,

Although he gave it a jerk,

The old snowblower wouldn't work,

Larry couldn't take a cab to his job, because he lacked the doe.

STUPID TIME TRAVELER IRONY

Because its hull is made of the cheapest tin,

My quantum time machine, broke down, once again,

A small puncture makes woe,

My machine just won't go,

I won't make the reservation, for my din.

HANNIBAL IN THE HAY

Once upon a time, there was a pig, named Hannibal,

He liked eating bacon, and was called a cannibal,

On one nice, sunny, fine day,

He fell asleep in the hay,

He was then ate raw by a human, called Animal.

MOMMY HUGS AND SAMMY BUGS

Sammy torments the little crawling bugs,

Bugs get even with deep digs, and wide dugs,

Mostly, the bugs bite,

But, Sammy ain't bright,

Sammy gets infested, from mommy hugs.

THE WHIMSICAL LIFE CYCLE OF BELL FISH

Bell fish are swimming and mating, way out in the bay,

They go ding and they go dong, and they ding dong all day,

Baby bell fish are chimes,

They tinkle many times,

But, those poor baby bell fish, are food for the blue jay

THE LIFE IS SHORT LIMERICK

It is so strange how decades pile in my past,

It seems years fall away; with no good times that last,

No dead flesh date,

To be worm bait,

Soon, I will burn, or into a hole I'll be cast.

MY PRIORITIES ARE BOWLING AND BEER

I sleep away my afternoons,

I sleep away my mornings,

I sick call everyday to work,

Despite my bosses' warnings,

If my financials weren't dire,

I would call my boss and retire,

I would put time into what feels so right,

That is league bowling, at the bar all night.

ONLINE MEME SCHEME, OOPS!

I'm an online influencer, and I went to jail,

I only wish mama would cough up some bail,

I had a fraud scheme,

Selling a counterfeit meme,

The bad thing about schemes is sometimes they fail.

UNCLE LEE IN THE HOOD

Uncle Lee worked on a garbage truck, and picked up garbage all day long,

While Uncle Lee picked all the garbage up, he would always sing a song,

The hood leaders did complain,

Lee's voice brought their ears great pain,

Uncle Lee stoped his singing, but thought the hood leaders, were mean and wrong.

BAD DADDY AND THE PSYCHIC

I went to the local psychic, and what did she say?

She said to move my family, far across the bay,

I did just what she said,

My family has fled,

Then I moved in with the psychic, and that's where I stay.

INFESTATION: SHARP TEETH IN BED

The bedbugs teeth are sharp, and real long,

And, Denny rolled upon the bugs, wrong,

The mad teeth bit in,

Broke wide, Denny's skin,

The Denny Dirge is our local song.

DENNY AND THE CHAMBER POT SAGA

Denny had a chamber pot, made of porcelain as white as snow,

Every place  that porcelain pot sat,  Denny was sure to go,

When the bedroom chambers smelled of rot

A maid would empty the porcelain pot,

Then Denny would fill it up again, when Denny felt the flow.

I WENT TO SUGAR HIGH, ON HALLOWEEN

It lasted only a day and a night, late, last October,

It was all Halloween, and I dressed like my dog named, Rover,

On my tv screen,

Jason chased a teen,

Today I came off my super, sugar high, and

 I'm sober.

THE CHAIR AND TABLE LIMERICK

By my dining table, I have a chair for my seat,

On top of the dining table, I nothing to eat,

Where I bought my table and chair,

I spent all of my money there,

I do have a soda pop, so at least I'll have a treat

American Cuisine, On The Road

I went out to scrape pavement, because I was hungry for sup,

Didn't know if the critter was a weasel, or someone's stray pup,

Too small for a bear,

Really, did not care,

Figured it would taste good mixed with noodles, and served in a cup.

THE CHOIR WITH THE BIG BANG

Benny sang soloist in a choir gang,

Benny ate too many beans, before he sang,

As Benny's britches rang and rang,

The choir master said, "Oh, dang",

Benny's solo ended, with a great big "Bang!".

VOODOO REVENGE

I made a voodoo doll for the man on Sucker St.

He sold me a can of tainted, pickled piggy feet,

My family was up all night,

Getting toilet time was very tight,

I stuck six pins into my foe, in the bad guy's feet.

THAT WICKED WITCH CAST A SPELL ON ME

My meanie wife was a little witch, and a little witch she was,

She cast spells on everyone, and her reason was just because,

She turned my kinfolk into toads,

They all got run over, on the roads,

Just because I crashed the car last last night, she siced on me the fuzz.

EASY PEASY ROCKET SCIENCE

I'm locked in on taking a college, online test,

It's on rocket science, where my brain works the best,

I know the formulas for down and up,

I'll be done with the test, before I sup,

Then, I will play Mario, and lock in some rest.

THE HAUNTING IN MY CHAMBERS

I went into my bedroom chambers to nab me some sleep,

I would have done that, except for the visiting ghost creep,

He just once, shouted "Peek A Boo!"

One fly swatter swat, he be through,

The rest of the night, a sulky silence the ghost would keep

SPARKY THE DOG

Sparky is my sweetie dog,

In my shoes he leaves his log,

I told Sparky he was  bad,

His eyes got really big, sad,

That's the end of this dog blog.

The Sunfish And My Eye

There was this little sunfish, I tried to deep fat fry,

Then a grease spatter popped, taking out my one good eye,

In my bad eye I see fizzy,

Many bubbles that are busy,

The ambulance picked me up, and I went bye, bye, bye.

ICONIC WHISKERS

I had summer sausage for my dinny, din, din,

Much greased dripped down onto my fat chinny, chin chin,

Mixing with pieces of cheese,

It drew mice, rats and sand fleas,

I cleansed myself in a poisoned binny, bin, bin.

PUTREFIED PUMPKIN

After Halloween, my Halloween, cut pumpkin made me cry,

I was emotionally trashed, as I watched him rot and die,

So I fed him to the yard birds,

And, other backyard critter herds,

I watched them chew his face away, and I waved to him, bye, bye.

Putrify

I SKIPPED

I fell toward the wood floor when I slipped,

My shirt caught on a nail and it ripped,

My landing was hard,

It caught me off guard,

So, the rest of my day I just skipped

FRESH FISH STEW FROM THE LAKE OF BLUE

The little creature floating in my stew,

I caught in the lake that was colored blue,

I bopped his head, so he would not come to,

If he did, this day he would come to rue,

He smelled like a fish, and tasted like poo.

THE BALLAD OF UNHAPPY TOM

It got so extremely cold,

Tom's toenails stopped growing mold,

Tom's nose went runny,

Girls found that funny,

Tom stayed alone and grew old.

LITTLE PLANE IN THE ZOO TREE

I took a trip to old Kalamazoo,

I got on a little plane, so I flew,

We got stuck in a tree,

The small plane, crew and me,

I jumped to the ground; got all black and blue.

WARNING: DON'T TOUCH A DOWN ELECTRICAL WIRE WITH A RAKE

I rolled up my very long sleeves,

When I went out to rake some leaves,

Raked up under a pine,

A down electric line,

At my funeral, the wife grieves.  

Today is known as November One,

It's real cold, and there ain't much for sun,

In the pie pumpkin patch,

Pumpkins ready to hatch,

I'll freeze their guts, then the patch is done.

THE HISTORY OF TRICK OR TREATING

On Halloween this family of ghosts,

Marched in parade from coast to coast,

They munched on candy,

When it was handy,

That's how trick-or-treating started, say most.

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STEVE AND THE FIRE DEMON

There once was a big dragon, named Steve,

He ate witches on All Hallows Eve,

He ate a demon called Zeaming

Now Steve's ears are both steaming,

And his breath burns each town, do th he leave.

THE GHOST QUEEN OF HALLOWEEN LIMERICK

Margo was the queen of Halloween ghosts,
She ate candy corn jam on fresh pumpkin toast,
She was a ghost, who grew wider,
Drinking hot apple cider,
She finished off with a marshmallow roast.

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WITCHES MAKE ME ITCHY

I went into the woods and ran into three witches,

I said I couldn't stop and chat because my back really itches,

Then, they told me "what's worse?

Is your new itchy curse,"

So, I scratched so bad I got stitches. 

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HALLOWEEN HAIKU

Tricks, treats, nature change,

Candy, costumes, leaf bare trees,

Party, summer's wake.

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HAPPY HALLOWEENY FROM THE TWO WITCHES AND ME

There is a witch, that's me,

I recruited two more to make three,

And, though we weren't quite a coven

We cooked townsfolk in our oven,

And

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steeped their sweet juices for tea.

THE END OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

Well, today we've gained an extra hour,

That gives us time for all to shower,

So, relaxed starts the day,

Cause, Daylight Savings Time's gone away,

And, the extra sleep gives us each super power.

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THE FATHER OF ALL PUMPKINS

The Father of All Pumpkins

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

The father of all pumpkins came into my store,

And said my pumpkin selection was awfully poor,

He said he didn't want to be mean,

But it was Halloween,

And the little witches and goblins want more.

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UNCLE JOE'S RETREAT

Poor, old Uncle Joe could never find romance,

Joe became an expatriate, to South France,

All the day long,

He'd hum his song,

At night there was karaoke, before the dance.

MY GIRLFREIND IS A VAMPIRE STORY

Mike Colin

STEPHANIE
By Mike Colin
Reporter
Humor News Nuts Publications
In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve), I have been assigned to search out local vampires and interview them for this blog. I have no other formal duties for this month. This assignment could literally bite.

Luckily, I did not have to look far for my first interviewee (vampire victim). It seems my girlfriend Stephanie is a vampire. What luck for me, hey? I always thought she was just one of those Goth people. She dresses in black and wears black eye make-up and nail polish. Her arms each have a pair of tattoos of fangs with dripping blood running
down from the fangs. I thought she was kind of cool.

I met Stephanie at a really exclusive club. I was living under a bridge at the time (living under bridges is called trolling in Northern Michigan). Since I was just a local troll, I was never allowed in the exclusive night club called "Jack’s Bloody Brew". Jack’s is one of those new brew pubs that are all over Northern Michigan. Jack’s is famous for beers like Blood Light and Bloody Barry Beer. This beer is not sold in stores so, you can only buy this beer at the club but, I had a friend who got one for me once and it really tastes just like blood with a kick to it like backyard whiskey. I had a really bad hangover the next day.

As I said before, I was never allowed anywhere near this club. A big muscled bald guy stood at the door and if I even walked by the place he would snarl at me. This guy had teeth that looked like fangs so I was quick to get the heck away from there. One night about midnight I happened to be walking by on the opposite side of the street when I saw this beautiful brunet go up to the bald muscle dude and give him the biggest hickey on the neck. It was such an intense hickey that when the gorgeous girl came up for air, I saw blood dripping down the big dude’s neck. I thought that must of hurt but, the bald guy seemed to like it. It put him in a really great mood and he opened the door to the club and hand gestured for me to cross the street. I almost ran across traffic to get inside the bar. The bald guy kept the door held open until I was inside then, he quickly shut it up so no one could drift in behind me.

The only light in the bar came from a few dim candles. I guessed that these people really like to drink in the dark. Maybe the place wasn’t very clean and they didn’t want any bright lights to show up the dirt. The room was draped in black drapes with red pictures on them. I guess these drapes with pictures are called tapestries. The pictures were all of dragons, bats, wolves and, other monsters. It seemed kind of weird but, the weirdest thing about this club was that there were no foosball games or pool tables. The place didn’t even have a dart board. There was a bar so, I decided to try one of their famous home brewed beer (if I could afford it).

I saw the girl that had given the bouncer a hickey at the bar so I sat down on the bar stool next to her. The bartender must have been an identical twin of the brawny bald bouncer out front. Like his brother, the bartender snarled at me with his fangs and said "we serve only club members here".

Then, suddenly the girl next to me leaned across the bar and gave the bartender an intense hickey like she had done to the guy outside. When the girl came up for air the bartender was bleeding streams of blood from a neck wound. This was like the bleeding the bouncer did outside after his hickey and like the bouncer, the bartender suddenly was really nice to me. "What can I get you?" he asked.

"I don’t have much money. How much is a beer?" I asked.

"The beer is free to club members," the bartender informed me "and you are now a club member. Stephanie here has told me she has sponsored you. As to the type of beer I would recommend to a new club member, I think you should have pint of Bloody Barry Beer. I just got some from Barry this morning. I took almost every drop he had so, you had better drink it now because it will be a while before Barry can make some more."

I ended up trying both beers and they both tasted like blood. The bartender informed me that the beer’s secret ingredient was cow’s blood. I started to push the beer away from me. Then, the bartender reassured me that the drinking blood laden beer was no different than eating a rare steak. I liked rare steak so then and there, I decided Bloody Barry Beer was my favorite beverage but, I just hope Barry the brew master could make some more soon.

The beer had quite a kick to it and this made me able to talk to girls. I turned to Stephanie and introduced myself. When she asked me where I lived I told her I was broke and that I had to live under a bridge. Stephanie told me that if I came back to her house with her she would have a proposition for me. I thought I had nothing to loose so I got into her black Jaguar and went home with her.

It was a really nice new home with an upstairs, a downstairs and, a full basement. It was full of really nice black leather furniture and the walls were all painted blood red. There was a fireplace in every room except the kitchen and laundry room. There were paintings on the walls of the living room of really grotesque looking people. When the large stone fireplace in the living room was lit, the room looked both eerie and beautiful. I liked it.

I guessed Goth people were really cool. When I was in high school I thought Goth kids were just a bunch of outcast nerds. My brother Tim always said Goths were "nerd rejects". If Stephanie is a "nerd reject" then sign me up for Goth school. Not only is she gorgeous but, she has done really well for herself to have a fine home like this. No one in family lives even near this kind of house. Everyone I know just thinks about winning enough money at the casino to make a deposit on a double wide. Madam Misty is the only friend I have that had a big house and, she lost it due to lack of business during this recession.

Stephanie has a nice house and the neighborhood is full of fine looking cribs (I learned from MTV that "cribs" is the cool way to say house". Usually people in these homes call people like me "skuzz". I was surprised the police didn’t show up when I got out of her black Jaguar. Back when my dad worked for Roto Rueter, he was arrested for littering and indecent exposure when he drove into one of these kinds of neighborhoods. The muffler fell off his pickup is the reason he was arrested for littering. When he asked why he was being hauled off to jail for indecent exposure he was told that "you showed your skuzzy face off in this neighborhood and nobody here wants to look at it."

Once Stephanie was finished showing me around her house she told me that she had been watching me live under the bridge. I don’t remember seeing Stephanie anywhere’s near the bridge. There were mostly old men and bats living with me under the bridge. Stephanie also said that she was thinking about putting me out of my misery when she started feeling sorry for me.

Stephanie then said to me, "Here’s the deal. In return for my becoming your girlfriend you will move in here and live in his house. Because of my religious beliefs, you will live in the top two levels of the house and I will live in the basement. You must never enter the basement for any reason and you must make sure that no one else ever goes down into the basement. A girl like me needs her privacy. ’

I of course agreed to all her terms. Stephanie was great. In addition to letting me stay in her house, she let me drive her Jag. There was a problem. I could not help but want to go down into the basement just to sneak a peak at the crib my girlfriend lived in. I felt kind of funny taking over the house from her and her moving down into the basement. There were several bedrooms in the house and I did not see why she could not just stay in one of them.

One day, I decided I would have a look down in the basement. Stephanie was a night person so she stayed down in the basement sleeping during the day. She kept the door locked during the day but, left it unlocked when she went out at night. So, I waited until Stephanie left and then I crept down into the basement. At the bottom of the basement stairs I turned on the light. It was a huge basement but, the only thing in it was a black casket. I went over to the casket and looked inside. Except for a few inches of dirt, the casket was empty. I figured Stephanie must sleep in the casket in the daytime since there was not other furniture in the basement. I thought my new girlfriend is really into some sort of extreme yoga if she is living and sleeping like this. I thought then that maybe the Goth lifestyle isn’t for me?

Things were going o.k. for a while then; my friend Madam Misty told me I had better watch out because my girlfriend was a vampire. I thought at first that Madam Misty had been mixing her apricot brandy with her Mogen David wine again. But, Madam Misty was very insistent so, I had to confront Stephanie and find out what was going on. Madam Misty told me I had better confront Stephanie in public or she might just give me a bad case of the bleeds.

I decided to confront my girlfriend at the club where we met. At least the bar tender would be there should Stephanie turn out to be a vampire. He would certainly keep me away from harm. A big guy like that and his bouncer twin brother should easily be able to take on a female vamp.

The bouncer at the club entrance was gone. I easily opened the door and walked into the bar. Stephanie was sitting at her normal stool at the bar. The bartender looked up at me and said "I just got in a fresh batch of Bloody Barry Beer. Would you like a bottle?"

"Yeah, I’ll take one", I said as I bellied up to the bar beside my girlfriend. "I see your twin from out front isn’t here tonight" I said to the bartender.

"No," the bartender replied, "He’s gone south for the winter and I intend on heading down there tonight myself,"

"I guess you should know Mike," Stephanie began," I’m heading to warmer climates myself. I’m going to Cancun for the winter and I don’t know when or, if I’ll be back here any time soon. I have to move on."

I took a big chug down on my beer. I needed the drink to keep my from falling out of my seat. I was devastated. My relationship with this beautiful woman was over. I couldn't’t bring myself to say anything. The shock of loosing Stephanie put me into a deep stupor.

"Because of your loyalty I’m giving you the house and the car," Stephanie said. "There is some cash beneath the box in the basement. Yes, I know you were down there this evening. I also know you psychic friend told you that I am a vampire and yes it is true. I’m over three hundred years old. I’m a blood sucker but, you know I still am at least part human. I haven’t done so bad by you have I?" she asked.

I shook my head and said "No, you’ve been really good to me. I’ll miss you." I had a tear in my eye. I don’t remember the last time I had a tear from being sad. But, I was really sad.

Stephanie took me by the hand and led me out of the club. Stephanie kissed me gently on the neck (no hickey). Then, Stephanie said "got to fly", as she turned away from me with wings sprouting from her back as her blouse ripped to shreds. Stephanie then leaped into flight with here wings flapping. She rose up to meet several other vampires who were flying in a V formation like they were a flock of geese. Stephanie soon fell into formation and vanished with the other vampires beyond the horizon.

Stephanie left me several thousand dollars for taxes and upkeep on the house. A deed and car title arrived in the mail a few days later. I was all set. It was like I was one of those young guys in Florida who stay with an older lady for a home. The only thing is, if Stephanie returns here in thirty years, I’ll be an old man and she’ll still be young. I hope she comes back one day. Until then, I’ll keep her nice home and car in good shape. The club was closed and no one has opened up anything new at that location. It’s like the club never existed at all.

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TRICK FOR TREATS LIMERICK

On Halloween I'll trick for treats,

            I'll fill my bag all up with sweets,

When I've finished my roam,

I'll head for home,

And, settle down with all my eats. 

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