THE KNOT IN A FAIRYTALE.

I went to a wedding between an ogre and troll,

It was real deep in a cave, I felt like a ground mole,

Neither of them was Einstein bright,

Instead of kissing, they did bite,

They said having hundreds of kids, was their future goal.

A BUG DUG

A bug dug under my fingernail,
He bit hard and I let out a wail,
The bug dug in deep,
Which caused me to weep,
I felt better after three pints of ale.

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MY FEETS WERE STAINED BY BEETS

I decided to get some eats,
So, I opened a can of beets,
I spilled the juice,
It ran real loose,
And, stained purple my bare feets.     

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JIM MELTED AWAY

Today it got so darn hot,

It melted my friend, robot,

His name was Jim,

His hat had a long brim,

Poor Jim, I will forget, not.

ANN TEEKING

Ann Teek, divorced her mean, cheating spouse,

Used her settlement, to buy a house,

She was close to the city,

Got dates; she was quite pretty

Couldn't keep a man; she squeaked like a mouse.

TUNA IS A STATE OF MIND?

Tuna is a fish, it is not a state of mind,

I said this to a friend, he said I was unkind,

Tuna fish in the brains,

He sand, yielded great gains,

I got a new friend, who has logic I can find.

TRINA AND THE HAIR DRYER SAGA

Trina used a big hair dryer to dry her runny nose,

She burnt up her nose hairs, the ashes fell upon her clothes,

Her fancy white blouse was stained black,

So Trina slipped into her shack,

Trina changed to a clean blouse, and clipped in her hair, two bows.

MONKEYS IN THE COUP

I started raising little monkeys, out in my chicken coup,

The monkeys ate up all my chickens, and turned them into poop,

The monkeys all got free,

They came looking for me,

I think about those monkeys, when I eat monkey noodle soup.

BILLY WEARS A POMPADOUR

Billy wears a pompadour wig, upon his big bald head,

It's his favorite wig to wear, and its died a red, red,

His hair is real poofy,

His mind, very goofy,

Billy bakes the best potty pies, and keeps the family fed.

PLANNING FOR BACON AND FRIENDS

I went outside and saw the great blue sky,

I watched my neighbor's, big, fat piggies fly, 

I hoped one would crash,

Then its body I'd stash,

And have a neighborhood, thick bacon fry.

CATCH ME AFTER I DIRT NAP

I was called a turnip, because I never pay my bills,

You can't get blood out of a turnip, so chew some chill pills,

Paying bills is never my style,

So put me in the past due file,

No use billing me; until I'm in my grave, for a while.

I THINK WE CELEBRATED WITH SAM

I use to have a pony, and his name was Sam,

One day Sam disappeared; the day ma fixed a ham,

It was one glorious beast,

The ham was our Christmas feast,

We all got bloated guts, especially, aunt Pam.

SAMMY PLAYS AND LIVES THE BLUES

I once knew a heaping pig, and his name was Sammy Tews,

He played electric guitar, but only rhythm and blues,

Sammy played real well,

All the neighbors, done tell,

But he violated copywrite, now he gets sues.

THE SQUIRREL TALE

Jeb and Joey were two squirrels, who lived way up in a tree,

They were very happy sharing their nuts, while watching tv,

But something went real foul,

When along came the owl,

And chewed Joey chunks, fed the owl little babies, during tea.

CHICKEN TASTES LIKE TUNA, AND HAM, I'M NOT SURE YET

I opened a small can that said "Chicken Of The Sea",

It tasted mostly like, some old tuna fish to me,

The taste haunts my puckered mouth,

From up north to the down south,

Next, I'm eating canned ham, but what flavor will that be?

BREAKFAST OF THE BLUEBERRY LOSER

My fresh blueberries, they all ran away,

I had saved them for my cereal day,

My cereal tastes like straw,

And someone's chewed chaw,

And it's gritty, and chews just like hard clay.

THE LAW AND BEAVER MARGOT

Margot was a busy beaver, and she was busy every day,

Blocking up the Tobacco River, so all the water, it would stay,

After chewing on the trees,

They fell where Margot, did please,

The local sheriff used some dynamite, and the water went away.

IT IS HARD TO GET SKINNY EATING STARCHES AND FAT

Don eats four fruits and a vegetable each day,

Donny keeps his bowels cleared out, that simple way,

French Fries and buttered toast,

Don likes the very most,

Therefore 700 pounds, Don will always weigh.

LIFE? UNDERGROUND

My spider buddy and me were real tight,

Spider still gave me a painful big bite,

The next thing that I knew,

I was lifeless and blue,

Then I was buried real deep, out of sight.

WHEN I LIE I PROMISE YOU

The only time I will tell a lie,

Is when I make a promise, guy,

For in life's great big scheme,

A truth is so easy to dream,

Not to promise is hard to explain, why.

BROKEN SKI AND CHEEKS

Jim's jet ski crashed on a rock, by the shore,

His jet ski, he can ride it, never more,

It's messy, it's bad,

Terminated, sad,

Jim's lower checks are injured, very sore. 

SOMEONE'S EATING MY SWEET CUPS

I got raided by porch pirates today,

They grabbed my sealed boxes, and sped away,

They live next door,

On the second floor,

And eat peanut butter cups from eBay. 

CAVITY EMPTOR

Mickey's nice teeth had all cavitised,

The dentist pulled them all, no surprise,

Now Mickey chews with his gums,

Has gas in his tummy tums,

And all dentist, he doth despise. 

,

PHIL AND THE INFESTATION

Phil had bugs in his clothes, and up his nose,

The bad bugs gave Phil the itchiness woes,

Phil ripped his clothes clean off,

Blew his nose, then a cough,

Phil built a fire, and burned up his foes.

THE SWEETCORN-FISHY

Kenny had a really big fish,

Benny had a can of sweetcorn,

They made a sweetcorn-fishy dish,

But chowed upon pudding til morn.

NICE SPOONING, PHIL

Phillip Sparkle played some old giddy, show tunes,

On his brand new set of silver plated spoons,

He played most of the day,

Till sunshine went away,

Then Phil ate a plate full of sweet macaroons.

ZEBRA APPLE PEE AIN'T FOR ME

I looked out my back window and I did see,

A zebra eating fruit from my apple tree,

He then sprayed the a-tree,

With gallons of z-pee,

I couldn't eat those apples, I just sipped my tea.

MURPHY HAS A GLOW

Mr. Murphy has a unique nose,

Although he's fifty, it still grows,

At a boxing event,

He got his big nose bent,

And after the pub, his nose glows.

THE PIXIE TRANSPORTATION PROBLEM

There was a little pixie named Mike,

He traveled my porch riding a bike,

Riding bike was the sin,

That caused the porch to cave in,

Now when Mike goes anywhere, he must hike.

UN-RETIREMENT

I once retired,

Soon in debt, I mired,

The kids, food they required,

A really warm home, I desired,

Back working, caffeinated and wired.

THE CHURCH MOUSE ATTACK

The mouse fell from the church ceiling onto my back,

It squeaked really loud, and gave a big heart attack,

I got whisked straight away,

For a hospital stay,

Although, funds and health insurance, I sadly lack.

MY HAMBURGER SHOULD MAKE ANIMAL SOUNDS

Outdoor grilled hamburgers should be almost, living tissue,

Always, when they are over grilled, that becomes an issue,

Just give a flip and a flop,

Grill marks, both bottom and top,

If you overcook my burger, bad things I will wish you.

THE VEGGIE BURGER

I bit into a big bun hamburger, but no beef was there,

I like tasting cow blood; I like my hamburger, living rare,

The burger was a veggie,

I became a tad edgy,

I threw the burger on the ground, and people gave me a stare.

EYE HOLE DIGGERS

Some ticks fell down from the heavenly, blue sky,

They fell from the dead willow tree; oh dear, my,

I ran to my hotrod,

But, no use was my bod,

I was blind, because they dug holes in each eye.

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THE END

Alive in a world of struggle and desire,

Where dreams and schemes, ends and behinds are all frost and fire,

Please forget me, not,

Desire my lot,

It has come to this ending, I must submit and retire.

Thank you, all my friends.

Leigh Collin Brandt

ROT GUT VEGETATION AND POO

I pulled a pickle from a pickle jar, and it was hairy,

I put the pickle back and went and picked a strawberry,

Produce that is hairy,

Is awful scary,

And, often hairy, scary makes for a watery poo, poo.

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BILLY GOT ITCHY

Bill penned out a song that was extraordinary, real nice,

He made the melody on his harmonica, device,

The record was a go,

And, Bill loved the cash flow,

But, he got served for divorce, because he brought home leg lice.

RICHIE HARD TIMES

He had a tic in his tock, 

And, a big rock in his sock,

He spent everyday, listening to Rosy Land Bach,

His debts started to swell,

He had nothing to sell,

Now, he spends every evening at the Boys Club & Dock.

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THE BUGS THAT ATE SAMMY FOR S'MORES

Sammy went to the beach and got covered with soars,

The bugs liked him so much, because he tasted like s'mores,

From New Years Eve till that date,

S'mores was all Sammy ate,

And, the taste sweat out through all his pores.

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PERSONAL DENTAL CARE

I bought some fluoride toothpaste that came in a white, glass jar,

I did not have to squeeze it, so I thought it would go far,

It caught me off my guard,

When the whole jar turned hard,

I now brush with baking soda; my teeth are black as tar.

I DIES BECAUSE OF BEADY BUG EYES

100 billion, billion beady eyes, were staring up at me,

That was the ugliest bug I ever saw, sitting on my knee,

Then, he spit into my mouth,

After that, things went south,

For his spit was deadly poisonous; my ashes were dumped at sea.

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TETHERBALL WARRIOR

It was nearly, half past nine,

That is prime tetherball time,

I did battle, for first place,

Then, I got whacked in the face,

Now, through a straw I must dine.

MY JUICE WAS TAINTED, WHO KNEW?

My ruby red grapefruit juice, tasted a might, tad off,

I drank just one sip, and I started hacking, cough, cough,

I was whisked far away,

For a hospital stay,

Where, I was fed coffee, toast, and some slimy brown broth.

EFFICIENCY

There once was a toilet named Mabel,

She was setup at the kitchenette table,

Now, your nostrils might rue,

You could eat and go poo,

While watching your news shows on cable.

GOLDIE AND THE SEVEN BEARS

There were seven old bears shacked-up in the woods,

They loved each other, and thought their lives was goods,

Then one cold winter day,

Goldie stopped by to play,

Goldie showed the bears dance moves, he learned in the hoods.

THE GOOD NEIGHBOR (NOT)

I bought four used tires for my Chevy pickup truck,

My neighbor had a nail gun, so I was out of luck,

The neighbor punctured each tire,

Set my whole pickup on fire,

I sued him in court, but did not get a single buck.

MARS CLOCKED PLANET EARTH

Dry mars and blue earth, went total war,

It was pretty even; the war score,

The mars great weapon rocks,

It knocked out Earther clocks,

On earth, it stays a quarter past four.

ODE TO MY SNOW COVERED SHACK ON THE HILL

My snow covered shack up on the hill,
Came crashing down upon my still,
It buried my corn, my sugar, my mash,
It even buried two cans of corned beef hash,
All I saved were some pickles; I think they're dill.

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DELETING MY CHILDHOOD APPS

I had so many downloads from the app downloading store,

I had to delete my old favs, before downloading more,

I deleted my app for Pong,

Space Invaders, Tetris and Kong,

After deleting my old games, my soul felt very poor.

THE CARNIVAL BEAR

I went to the carnival and the carnies were there,

They were all really nice, except their pet bear, 

The bear had little charm,

He bit off my right arm,

But, I look good with a prosthesis, so I don't really care.

MY TRUMPETER'S LULLABY SAID, "NIGHT, NIGHT", LONG AGO

I stored away my trumpet, for the last thirteen odd years,

I got it out to play, but it just made noise to my ears,

My lips are all soft blubber,

And my tongue, solid rubber,

I did sound much better, after I drank one million beers.

MOZART'S TOOT AND SUPPER

I went to see the Magic Flute,

It's a nice, catchy Mozart toot,

When I left, I stoped to eat,

The food smelled like fungal feet,

Then, I barfed upon my suit.

TULIPS FOR ALGERNON.

I had a big tin purple elephant, I named Algernon,

I gave Alger early spring, pink tulips, that he fell upon,

He crushed all the pretty flowers,

Broke them off from their green towers,

I tossed big Al, got a plastic fish, I called him Mastodon.

MY FOUR WISHES

I decided to give myself four wishes,

The first was that I had sparkling, clean dishes,

Next, the toilet would clean flush,

Then, I'd have a new toothbrush,

Last, I wished my crumb cake would be delicious.

THE LAST BOY TO SELL BANANAS

The last boy to sell bananas, sold them on the main city street,

He made money selling bananas, because they are good to eat,

He stole them from daddy's small store,

Then, deliveries came no more,

Bananas had gone extinct, so the boy sold pickled piggy feet.

SID THE PRAYING MANTIS

There was a Praying Mantis named Sid,
He stayed most perfectly hid,
When a bug came along,
The bug had sung it's last song,
And, Sid could feed his mom, wife and kid.

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HUGH THE MERCEDES

There was a blue Mercedes named Hugh,
He was fast and reliable too,
He worked like a charm,
He kept his owner from harm,
The owner had an attitude that blew.

Hugh was a Mercedes car,
He was driven by a movie star,
When the star drove too fast,
Hugh knew his time had past,
Hugh’s parts were sold near and far.

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POLKA DOT POT

I make the bestest, yellow polka dot clay pots,

I think it's because my brain is full of blood clots,

The whole pot is grassy green,

So, the yellow is well seen,

When done, I cook them in a kiln, it has the hots.

SCOTT, IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT COUNTS

Scott had ugly bugs coming out his nose,

He had even more nasties,  when he blows,

Scott was meany mean,

Even more, unclean,

Scott had odd things, growing between his toes.

BANANAS AND EGGS: ONE DOLLAR

I ate fried bananas and frog eggs, it cost me a pretty coin,

I had it forever; I stole it from a jukebox in Des Moines,

The coin was a silver dollar,

I hung it around my collar,

I spent my last dollar, to eat eggs from a froggys groin.