THE GUARDIAN OF THE FOREST FAIRIES, WANTS TO EAT FACE

Everybody says, I deserve the face eating, that I got,

Because, I did really stupid stuff, furthering an evil plot,

Didn't know those purloined cherries,

Were owned by forest fairies,

Their pet leopard ate my pretty face, leaving my dead body, to rot.

DEXTER, THE UNCONVENTIONAL R

Dexter is no ordinary, house rat,

He wears pantaloons,a and a pirate's straw hat,

Dexter's in a band, plays base,

Has a deep thinker face,

When cats creep up behind him, Dexter farts and yells, "SCAT!".

TRINA, AND HER YELLOW SCOOTER, ADVENTURE

Trina got a yellow scooter, and she scooted, to town around,

Trina looked for scooter parking, but no parking was ever found,

Tina's eyes got all teared,

She was Twilight Zoned, she feared,

Forced forever to keep lot searching, with a weirdo, music sound.

OH, GIVE ME A SQUAT, WITH A SAUNA THAT'S HOT

I went camping in somebody's very private, backyard,

They  had gone overseas, and had no neighbors for a guard,

They had a sauna and pool,

That kept nights warm, and days cool,

After arrested, I find my jail bed is cold and hard.

HIGH GROCERY PRICES: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY

I drove over to the big box grocery store, and what's up?

I can't afford a meager breakfast, lite lunch, or simple sup,

I'll layoff most of the kids,

Sell my home, I will take bids,

I'll set our dog free, so starving cubs, can't gas grill the pup.

BAKING FOR OPEN WIDE BOWELS

I baked some strawberry-rhubarb pie,

Instead of wheat flour, I subed rye,

Rye is more healthy, you know,

Rye helps bowels open, and flow,

Once relieved, most release a great sigh.

A LOCAL ROLLERBLADER, STOLE ALL OF MAMA'S MARMALADE

Someone raided my big, kitchen pantry, and stole all of my fancy, marmalade,

They probably took it to Sunshine Town, where it's worth its weight in gold, in a trade,

They might trade it for whisky, made of corn,

Or, those magazines, descent people scorn,

Most likely, they traded to get into that park, where kids skateboard, and rollerblade.

EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY, GOT CANNED

The next door, family of cannibals, put me, and my family in jars,

We were all set in front of a window, so at night, we can all watch the stars,

We're together, that's not, so bad,

But, as they eat each jar, that's sad,

There's always a chance, the cannibals will be found out, and soon be behind bars.

DATING RITUALS, AND UNREQUITED LOVE

Poor old, teenager, Sad Zack, laid crying on his back,

Crying over attractiveness, Zackery, did lack,

When he talked to girls,

He often had the hurls,

Sometimes Zack would pick his nose, and offer up a snack.

DON QUIXOTE'S KITE

My new kite got stuck in a windmill, and round and round the kite went,

The kite has been stuck there sixteen years, and still, I give a mad vent,

The wood frame looks degraded,

The plastic  cover is faded,

I asked the windmill owner to retrieve my plane, he said "no"; he's no gent.

THE TEMPLE OF THE BLOGGER GOD

Willis is the blogging god, Willis rules media, and is alone,

For in his head is his cordless keyboard, and a 5G cellphone,

To media, he's a non-conforming, guy,

In one minute, Willis disposed of AI,

Willis keeps publishing thoughts from his brain; big media picks a bone.

TAINTED ALMONDS OF LOVE

I bought some delicious, almond nuts, and they were all tainted,

With some nasty bacteria, the almonds had been painted,

I took them back to the drug store,

Where I bought them, the day before,

I met someone at the store; on a date, we got acquainted.

TEACHER WAS RIGHT, WHO KNEW?

Today, I went to a doctor, and he insisted I was brain dead,

He was a specialist, so I had to agree, with all that he said, 

My brain is dead and cold,

Covered with slimy mold,

This was such an unsettling, strange, day, ; I went home and went to bed.

I NEED A BABE WHO GETS MOSTLY D'S

School just got out, and I mostly got C's,

My pretty baby, got almost all B's,

Because I'm not as smart,

We' growing far, far apart,

I'm looking for a new babe, who does D's.

THE LAST WATTLE HOUSE STANDING

My uncle built his beautiful home, out of forest, wattle wood,

It took my uncle nearly 10 years, because he wattled it good,

In a summer storm, it did win,

Lasted through the tornado spin,

It was the last standing wattle house, in the wattle neighborhood.

I LOST A TEAR

I lost a tear, when I stubbed my tiny toe,

I lost a tear, when I lost my brother, Beau,

It does not take my eyes long,

Before they look red, that's wrong,

So, I carry eye drops, to cover-up woe.

BLACK HOLE FRIDAY

I fell into a big black hole, and that ruined my entire day,

I was there in silenced eternity, with no light to guide my way, 

So my frazzled nerves could unwind,

I watched a movie in my mind,

I took to watching brain stored movies, until my young, lost bod, they find.

COLD DADDY AND THE BEAR

A bear wandered up my driveway, and ate a couple of my kids,

My wife, she got extremely hysterical, I just thought, "good rids",

They were both over 35,

Took my money, to stay alive,

I suppose, I will have to sell their stuff; I'll ask around for bids.

LIMERICK ON LIMERICKS

Some say, the inspiration for limericks, starts up in the nose,

Others believe limericks start growing, between foot jammy toes,

Wherever limericks start,

Limericks are a fine art,

Limericks can laud happy times, or reinforce woe within woes.

I INVENTED A CHAIR THAT REQUIRES NO UNDERWARE

I took a great idea, and  brought it to power,

I set a chair inside, my big bathroom shower,

It's like a washing machine,

You get a full body clean,

While, napping upright, for a day, or an hour.

SIR CREEPY IS A CANNIBAL.

Sir Denny was the very deadliest fighter, with the ancient foil,

Sir Denny made his foil really shiny, using, coconut oil,

Denny sliced opponents into ham,

Served them for lunch, with a ginger jam,

Then, Denny drops the bones, into his stew pot, then brings them to a boil.

OUR KIDS DON'T GET ALONG

My sister, Katerina, came over to visit me,

Katerina visited, as my retained attorney,

She brought over her male kid,

Boy, oh boy, what that kid did,

He pinched the nose on my cat, Murray, until Murray hid.

I AM A HOBBY DIRT WORKER:: I GROW FOOD

I started my tomatoes, and pepper plants, inside,

I found a window, sunny spot, in my double wide,

It warmed up, at last,

The seeds grew, real fast,

Growing veggie fruits from seeds, gives this garden man, pride.

THE MUSHROOM MINSTREL CONCERT

There were three minstrel mushrooms, who came from outer space,14

They played some old classical tunes, they learned in ancient Thrace,14

Then the minstrels played jazz,

Showed their razzmatazz

Lastly, the minstrels finished, with rap that was in your face.14

IN MEMORY OF MY ONLY TRUE FRIEND, JEEVES

I never should have gone to that party, over at Steve's,

First, I got the botulism, followed by dry, horse heaves,

What else could have gone wrong?

I could not sing my song,

Celebrating the dead poet, our friend we knew, as Jeeves

GOING TRAILER PARK FERAL (2025)

I live in a house made of old tin,

In a tin park, with all of my kin,

On the tin park next door,

My kin wage a great war,

We win, steel all their stuff, then we grin.

THE BIG CAT LOOKS AT ME FUNNY

When cast upon me, is a tigers eye,

He be thinking, onion ring, or French fry,

And, what of my meat?

What parts should he eat?

He's dream tasting the leg, wing, breast and thigh.

POP, GOES THE MAPLE LEAF

It is spring in Michigan, and maple leaves are popping out,

It's like the maple leaves, are giving the warmer sun, a shout,

Now, the robin red breast,

Can build a birdie nest,

And leave babies all safe, while hunting worms that squirm about.

TRINA WENT BASS FISHING, WITH A WORM

Trina went trolling out on a flat lake, with a big plastic worm,

She kept her worm lure close to the boat, to watch the plastic worm squirm,

Trina made only one pass,

When her worm was attacked by a bass,

Trina was so surprised, she fell overboard, and ruined her perm.

PANDA THE CRICKET PLAYER

My panda ate a chili pepper; my panda ate a mouse,

My Panda is not potty trained, so he poops inside my house,

They say my panda plays cricket well,

Don't know the game, so I cannot tell,

My panda does his own laundry, and always folds his own blouse.

MOMMY GOT HER DAY

Daddy's fantastical surprise, made my mommy's big day,

Daddy bought mommy a wild daisy, flower display,

Daddy made cheese salad for lunch,

Gave us each, a glass of red punch,

Then, we all watched out the window, as bird beaks chirped away.14

THE SWAY-BACK, WHO LOVED GRANDPA

Our dear grandpa, rode the old horse to town, that had the severely, swayed back,

We did not know what to tell the horse, after grandpa's fatal, heart attack,

Grandpa made his restaurant rounds,

Grandpa weighed 400 lbs., 

The horse continued the restaurant rounds, with a light footed, clickety clack. 

WHEN I DIE, I'LL BE BROWN LOGGED BY AI

All of my friends and family, have been transferred into an AI, 

Which means they'll live forever, and say brown log, about me when I die,

Even now, I'm their joke,

I'm that dumb, human bloke,

They insist I shouldn't get upset; I respond with a sad, teary cry.  

Michigan English:  Brown Log= 💩

RAVENHOE

I had a pet Raven, and his name was Sir Tim,

He liked to play on the school playground, jungle gym,

He did, in myself, confide,

He was afraid of the slide,

And, the medieval teeter totter, tossed him.

NOCTURNAL BRAIN DRAIN

While asleep last night, out of my ears, leaked my brain,

My entire brain is now, just a bed sheet stain,

I am staying home, sick,

Hope my brain grows back, thick,

If my brain isn't thick enough, out it will drain.

I FOUND A STARSHIP TREASURE SHIP.

I went looking for a treasure ship, and that treasure ship I found,

It's at the bottom of Lake Michigan, buried in the ground,

It is full of old boxed Trekie toys,

For the collector, girls and boys,

Some toys, if a button is pushed, will make an iconic sound.

I WORK IN RETAIL, WHEN I'M NOT DOING FAMOUS STUFF

I use to have pop culture, but I do not know where the Nell, that went,

I use to sing, and dance, and act, and to many venues, I was sent,

Then, my agent called and said, "no more,

Your act is done, you are out the door",

I've been working at big box retailing, to pay my bar tab, and rent.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'LL NEED A BEAVER GUN

I went out canoeing this morning, and ran into a big, beaver damn,

The beaver saw me and started hissing, I saw him, and thought, Easter ham,

I did not have my beaver gun,

So I wrestled him, just for fun,

Now, I'm in his lair, feeding his babies, and missing my fiance, Pam.

TRAVEL WITH SOMEONE SMARTER, THAN YOURSELF

Recently, I traveled to Brazil, but my Portuguese, was flawed,

I searched all my brains, to use the right words, but I hemmed and I hawed,

Pa says it's because, I am dim,

Ma says it's because, I'm like him,

Luckily, my travel mate, has language abilities to laud.

AFTER FAILING MY FINALS, I'M SPINNING MY VINYLS

I love collecting, and listening to music vinyls,

But, this week I need to dedicate my time to finals,

This could be my week of despair,

I'm unattached; no one to care,

If my recordings comfort me, I'll have no anginals.

THE RECKONING: PORCH PIRATE SURPRISE

I laughed, as both my porch pirates, ran away,

With my package, they will not have a great day,

I thought it would be so cool,

To fill a box with dog stool,

Truly, good justice will be done, I do pray.

I ATE THE NEWTS AND RED LIZARD

I decided to be a wizard, and a wizard I would be,

I caught three newts and a red lizard, then steeped them in my mint tea,

I drank down the brew,

Ate its protein crew,

I felt my wizard powers inflating, filling my whole body.

MY QUEST FOR FOOD

I went down to the grocery store, to buy some affordable food,

Nothing in the store, so I tried  the dumpster, where the gulls had all pooed,

It was like a buffet,

But poo was in the way,

I just could not eat a poo thing, although I am one desperate dude.

THE STING AND THE CURSE: A CHIPMUNK STORY

The little chipmunk drank milk from his bowl, while eating a berry,

Then along came buzzing around, a mean, old bumblebee fairy, 

The BBF gave chipmunk a sting,

He put a spell on cute chipmunk, Zing!

The little chipmunk became allergic, to fructose and dairy.

HARD TIMES ON THE FRUIT FARM

My grapes have gone sour, and my berries have been defiled,

By some sort of a blue stink bug, that came out of the wild,

My fruit farm has gone funky,

I'm one unhappy monkey,

I have no sources of income, and my partner's with child.

EASY PEASY SLEAZY, THAT'S ME

I found a brand new, super type of AI,

It writes term papers, like a real human guy,

Some call my cheating, sleazy,

I just like easy peasy,

Roommate says, my scheme is akin to a lie.

WRITING ESSAYS FAST AND EASY

I have two long essays, to write, and turn in today,

If I don't  get them done, I'll fail, my professors say,

There is a new, greater power,

That can write an essay, per hour,

Maybe, the great, AI can write me, into an "A".

MY TRAILER HAS GONE FERAL

The inside of my refrigerator is covered with black mold,

My pots and pans grow algae, and daytime roaches are extra bold,

I don't know what to do, 

About all the mildew,

The house condition is bad; the county says if can't be sold.

MAPLE, HONEY AND BEES

They say my maple syrup tastes like honey,

Now everyone, eyeballs me, real funny,

The trees, are full of bees,

And, when every bee pees,

The syrup be honey flavored, and runny.

NEW EARS EVE

Early tomorrow, I am getting two brand new ears,

They are both completely made, out of Christmas bulb, spheres,

I must watch who I pass,

So they don't break the glass,

If my eardrums get stabbed, it will bring my eyes to tears.

ALLERGIC TO BEES, IS AUNT ELOISE

I looked in my fridge for mayo, for my tuna with peas,

All I could find was some honey, made by some, bumblebees,

It was a nice family dine,

Honey, tuna, peas, tasted fine,

The family liked the mixed flavors, except, Aunt Eloise.

I'M A SUGAR DADDY, WHO IS ABOUT TO GET CANNED

I am swimming in many millions of can empties, from pop that was caned,

I can't take back any of my empty cans, because the brands are store banned,

I need some quick, fast money,

To make happy, my honey,

If I'm honey dumped, I'll be the most unhappy boy, in all of can land.

SHARING MY CHICKEN SKINS

I fried up a big greasy pan, full of chicken skins,

My neighborhood loves them, all my dear kiths, and my kins,

I fried many more than before,

To avoid, a chicken skin war,

Might as well fry enough, that way everyone wins.

BLING KONG

I put on all my beautiful bling,

Went out to do karaoke, a sing,

Then something went, way wrong,

I ran into King Kong,

He striped me, of every gold thing.

FAMILY IN THE MORNING

Little Timmy road his bike, to his new primary school,

Big brother Jerry, stayed home for the day, to play some pool,

Cousin Sammy ironed underwear,

So he'd  be warmed, for cold a.m. air,

 Grandpa Don, needed a nose hair trim, and searched for his tool.

APRIL DUNE

I climbed up a sand dune mountain, too early in the spring,

My bare feet went numb, and my bare fingers, ached with a sting,

A T and shorts, I wore up the hill,

They did not protect me, from the chill,

I ran down dune towards the car heater; fell and broke a wing.

LARRY GETS FOOD FROM ACROSS THE WATER

I went skipping along, my soul.was quite marry, 

I just finished riding a Great Lakes boat ferry,

I am parked by the pier,

The lake pier is quite near, 

I bought food on the mainland, for my  cat, Larry.

LOON LAKE PONTOON

I''m going out on the lake, that is famous for their loon,

Gonna try to see one, while cruising on grandpa's, pontoon,

The old motor has some quirks,

Once warmed up, it often works,

We'll start early, and be back for the hotdog roast at noon.

TRINA WENT TO TOWN

Trina went to town, for a beef sandwich, with gobs of melted , cheddar cheese,

She tells them to hold the tomato, because tomatoes make Trina wheeze,

When Trina gets home, she does dental hygiene,

Unlike grandpa, Trina's teeth are white, and clean,

Grandpa's teeth have rotted all away, so he has to spoon-mash his split peas.

MY DAILY REPORT

For every May Day, I get wired,

Then May Day pole dancing makes me tired,

Then I go home,

Do a doomscroll roam,

Drink skunky beer, then sleep, as desired.