OLD SKEGGY RETURNS

The great monster in Skedgemog Lake,

The souls of innocents he take,

He feeds on flesh and never cake,

Old Skeggy the monster in Skedgemog Lake,

He's a giant turtle; so spins the yarn,

A giant snapper bigger than a barn,

His tail is as long,

As a ride at the carn,

He slurps down rattle snakes like spaghetti,

And, fishermen too,

Though many have seen him,

Survivors are few,

So, come on up to Michigan,

To Skegemog Lake,

Just to see if Old Skeggy,

Is real or a fake,

But, do not believe,

Those who scoff in scoff tone,

Or, Old Skeggey might eat you,

From skin to the bone.

 

LONNIE THE VAMPIRE

There was a vampire named Lonnie,
She turned her girlfriend named Connie,
Together with great ease,
They fed as they would please,
On the blood of Donny and Ronnie.

Lonnie was a vampire,
Who lived out in the sticks,
No mortal ever found her,
She knew her vampire tricks.

Ode to Lonnie the vampire,
If you found her it was dire,
She never thought twice,
To bite your neck thrice,
Your blood lit her veins on fire.

Lonnie the vampire never aged,
If you crossed her she was enraged,
In hundreds of years she never forgave,
Anyone she deemed a knave,

Don't try to atone,
She'll break every bone,
Then, celebrate with a rave.

MORAL: DON'T SWIM WITH SHARKS POEM

Two tree monkeys swam way out in the bay,
They thought swimming way out was such fun and great play,
Then, along came a shark looking for a feast,
Sighting the monkeys, he became a monkey hungry beast,

The first monkey said as he was in the shark’s reach,
“Oh, I wish we were swimming up near the beach,”
The second monkey said as he watched his friend eaten, every pound,
"I wish we had stayed in our tree and never touched down on the ground".

A MARTIAN STOLE MY GRANDFATHER CLOCK

A martian stole my grandfather clock,

He came all this way and didn't have a tick-tock,

It is quite original,

Martian time isn't digital,

Still, may the thief crash his ship on a rock.

JULIE THE RATTLESNAKE LIMERICK

Julie the rattlesnake ate nothing but bugs,
She spared all the rodents, the frogs and, the slugs,
She was once stuck in quicksand all the way,
But, the animals saved her on that day,
Then, Julie gave all the animals kisses and hugs.

WARTS AND PORK BACON

There was a wart, and it would not die,

It was growing on Lenny's left thigh,

The wart grew real big,

Then out hatched a pig,

Then Lenny had bacon to fry.

IT'S WARM UP IN JEB'S NOSE

There were some little creepy crawlers that lived between Jeb's toes,

When it got really cold out, some of the creepy crawlers froze,

They climbed clear up Jeb's legs, and back,

Then toward Jeb's face, they launched an attack,

And when the cold winds blew again, they warmed up in Jebies nose.

TROMBONE SUZIE

Trombone Suzie was in the college marching band,

Trombone Suzie marched across college football land,

When Trombone Suzie played,

Her school spirit was displayed,

On all social media, Suzie got fanned and fanned.

THE KILLER PUMPKIN AND THE MINNOWS

I saw a giant pumpkin, eating a fisherman, by the sea,

The fisherman had a minnow bucket, so I set the minnows free,

I decided to roast the pumpkin, thought it'd taste good with my tea,

But, all I had to flavor the pumpkin, was a half jar of suspect ghee,

I should of kept the minnows, because they might have been tasty. 

LAVA MONSTER HAIKU

LAVA MONSTER I
Lava monster roars,
Scares small children, big men,
Rock burns, cells make steam.

LAVA MONSTER II
Burnt feet, face, backside,
Hot, run, run from Earth’s orange blood,
Deadly, curious.

SQUIRREL PROOFED AND FREEZING

I squirrel proofed my bird feeder and made the squirrels mad,

They smashed up my solar panels, and smashed them up real bad,

Now I have no heat inside,

I'm freezing, but have my pride,

But, the birds shared the feed with the squirrels, that makes me sad.

THE ELF HUNTED MONSTER, BECAUSE HE ADMIRES THE HORNS

The minor monster made a slight moan as he mourns,

For an elf cut off the monster's favorite horns,

The elf had done bad,

But horns made him glad,

The main wall in his cottage, the horns will adorn.

OUTSMARTED BY THE SQUIRRELS, AGAIN AND AGAIN

I went out to check my berry tree, but all the berries had died,

The squirrels took all the good ones, and left the ones with worms inside,

I wanted berries that were blue,

I did not know what to do,

I went down to the fruit market, but the squirrels had been there too.

MAY THE DEAD CONCH REST IN PEACE

While looking for socks, I found me a conch shell under the bed,

Not sure how long it's been there, but I think the conch is long dead,

So I named its ghost, Freddy,

Hoped that death found it ready,

I promised to polish the shell up, and paint it barny red.

THE HOARD OF HALLOWEEN

I do not give out the trick or treats,

Just go away you kids, move your feets,

Winter grows near,

Candy grows dear,

With long winter months, I got to eats.

WAGNER AIN'T NO BRAHMS

I went to the Symphony to hear me some Brahms,

When I get really stressed out, the Brahms music calms,

But, as the Valkyries roared,

My blood pressure soared,

Both armrests got all wet, from my tight gripping palms.

WILLIE THE WEASAL WARRIOR LIMERICK

Willie was a weasel warrior,
He read Huck Finn, but not Tom Sawyer,
He liked to play hearts,
And, occasionally darts,
At night he'd sing on his foyer.

I SELL MEALS IN KALKASKA

I opened a store to sell people a quick lunch,

I sold cake, sandwiches and ice cold lemon punch,

It was downtown Kalkaska,

Not the one in Nebraska,

I'll Soon be selling coffee and Bismarcks for brunch.

THE CHIPMUNK AND THE NOSE RING

I lost my gold nose ring when it fell on the floor,

Stolen by a chipmunk, because I left open the door,

Chipmunks are such thieves,

They hide booty in my eaves,

I should steal their black walnuts, to even the score.

MY HONEY MAKES HONEY FOR MY TOAST

My honey, my funny, the one who makes me feel like me,

Moved out of our home, to live on some boards in a tree,

Their hair got thin and fuzzy,

They started sounding buzzy,

Then low and behold, they turned into a bee.

MY PSYCHIC TOLD ME LIMERICK

My psychic told me not to fly,
If I did she said I would surely die,
So, I did not roam,
I stayed at home,
I was hit by a meteor from the sky.

MY HOME AND MY BOAT: ONE DON'T STAND, ONE DON'T FLOAT

The big rain storm hit so hard that my boat went sinkin',

My house collapsed down the hill, like the logs of Lincoln,

It rained over 10 inches today,

And, with the tidal wave off the bay,

I hope my insurer has a check, that it's inkin'.

SMELLY SOCKS TURTLE, AND CLOCKS

There was an old turtle and he fixed antique clocks,

He charged a big price for fixing real old tick tocks.

With mine, I paid on time,

Each week, paid him a dime,

And promised to darn his old nasty, smelly socks.

TONY GROWS WHISKERS

Tony started growing whiskers at the age of forty-four,

Tony didn't know what to do, he hadn't had whiskers before,

Pulling whiskers gave Tony pain,

It was driving him quite insane,

Luckily, his ma came home with a razor from the store.

SAMMY PAINTS HIS BODY

Sammy painted all his toe nails, and he painted them all pink,

Then on his face he tattooed a birdie, and used a light blue ink,

And Sammy tattooed a kangaroo on the back of each bun cheek,

Then Sammy cut out two holes in his jeans so, friends could have a peek.

MISSY WENT UP, UP AND AWAY

Missy the sunfish, swam with her babies in the bay,

They ate little purple snails, they dug out of the clay,

Then a fisherman's hook,

Mama Missy, it took,

The babies cried, as Missy was pulled up and away.

A SMOKER FIXES GAS LEAKS: WHAT COULD GO WRONG

My banana nut bread has been abruptly paused,

My cooking stove went out, and it was gas leak caused,

The gas leak fixer fella,

Smoked cigs, his nails were yella,

He lit a cigarette, now he's bandaged and gaused.

GRANDMA VS. DINOSAUR

The dumb dinosaur, he just went way too far,

When he ate up grandma's old Volkswagen car,

Grandma used her big straw broom,

It was the dinosaurs doom,

Now his bones decorate grandma's coffee bar.

MY LICENSE TO KILL (VAMPIRES)

I just got my license to hunt the vampires,
This had always been one of my great desires,
So, I went to the fair,
Found just werewolves there,
At the circus is where vamps ride the high wires.

 

THE ITCH

The doctor put a patch on top of my eye,

Because I would itch it until I would cry,

Then I itched the top of my head,

Until my hair turned bright red,

The doctor told me to stop, or I'd die.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND NOTHING

I'm the only one I know that does not have a quantum physics degree,

All that fancy math and stuff are just too much for me,

I don't even understand, the signal that gets boxed in my tv,

Can't comprehend why in algebra, they use the letters x, y and z,

And the biggest mystery of all; why do English Folk drink tea.

MY LITTLE RED GOAT

My favorite pet was a little red goat,

The only thing that she would eat was red coat,

She would eat mink, wool or leather,

But she would never taste pleather,

Pleather gave her bubble gas, and she would bloat,

WHAT LURKS BETWEEN THE TOES

Gym hired a surgeon, who fixed Gym's big nose,

While they were at it, they cleaned between Gym's toes,

The surgeon removed a tick,

And a big green pogo stick,

And a fifty foot, green garden hose.

TOENAILS-HAIKU

TOENAILS

Toenails, hard, long, gray,
Clippers, dull, tear, pull, pinch, shriek,
Toenails, short, jagged.

CY THE LITTLE FISH MEETS GYM

Gym caught a little fish, the fish called himself Cy,

Cy flipped and flopped, he begged, said he didn't want to die,

Gym said, "oh that is nice",

Then added some tart spice, 

And, dropped Cy into the fry pan to fry.

WHAT MARTIANS WANT

I bought a large stretch of real estate on planet Mars,

I opened a dealership to sell electric cars,

The Martians would not buy,

Claimed the prices were high,

So I closed down, then opened some disco tech bars.  

I BUILT A CABIN IN A SWAMP

I built a cabin in a swamp,
So, I'd have a place to romp,
I love all the snakes and the bugs,
With them it's kisses and hugs,
But, on the lizards I like to stomp.

LICK STAMPS GET CRAMPS LIMERICK

Mr. B has belly cramps,
He thinks he got them licking stamps,
The stamps were already sticky,
With glue that tastes icky,
Now, near to the restroom he camps.

 

BIG FOOT HUNTING IN MICHIGAN

Big foot hunting in Michigan,
Hard to hunt, hard to see,
Shot at one once,
Turned out to be a tree.

Big foot hunting in Michigan,
Hard to hunt, hard to see,
Shot at one once,
Got my brother-in-law in the knee.

WEREWOLF WAITING

There was a werewolf waiting up in an oak tree,

He was waiting there for hours, just for me,

He jumped down on my head,

Made me feel half dead,

Then he took off saying, he had to go pee.

I DIDN'T BRING HOME A PAYCHECK, BUT I BROUGHT HOME BEDBUGS INSTEAD

I brought home little bedbugs in my shoes,

They will bite you all over, if they choose,

If you have some blood,

They'll make you their bud,

And the red spots, will proclaim the bad news.

THE FOREST WENT QUIET

My neighbors love their poacher pie,
But when the squirrels all disappeared, it made me cry,
So because of my neighbors' diet,
The forest went real quiet,
And I no longer saw things that could swim, or run or fly.

THE GINGERBREAD AQUARIUM

Ron built an aquarium out of gingerbread,
It didn't hold water and his fish are all dead,
It may not be too soon,
To say Ron's mind's out of tune,
Ron thought the bread would keep his little fish fed.

UNDER THE LAVA LAMP AFTER I DIED

When you die you're supposed to walk into the light,

I tried that, but it was too hot and too bright,

So, I made me a camp,

By a real lava lamp,

Then, some ghouls stopped by for a bite.

LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR

My neighbor weaponized my shovel, and attacked some small ants,

The ants were little red biters, and ran up my neighbor's pants,

Like a bloody, daft fool,

He jumped into my pool,

After my neighbor's rescue, I lectured him on cans and can'ts.  

I LOVE TO DO MY LAUNDERING

I love to go a pondering, when I am full of wrath,

Sometimes I go a wandering, down a muddy path,

Sometimes I climb a steep hill,

Or, A mountain for a thrill,

Sometimes I do my laundering, then I take my bath.

SCUZZ NEEDS A JOB TWO

Sharp as a pencil that I was,

I'm a real hard worker with all I does,

But, I ain't been hired so what's the buzz?

I got no good grammar so, they calls me Scuzz,

Now, I can't read no good and barely write,

But, if we goes to the bar I can fight, 

I ain't got no teeth but, my jaw bone bite,

And, what a grip and I holds on tight,

Of course, I just really need a job,

'fore turns my muscles to belly blob,

I knowed now I should a stayed in school,

Alas, without much learning the world is cruel.

 

THE SQUIRE

When my noble knight's life came to expire,💀

I took his place by my rights as his squire,👑

I beheaded fire breathed dragons with my sword,🗡🐉

Received golden coins for my reward,💰

And, old sods sang me praise in drunken choir.  🎶🎶🎶🍺🍺🍺

SPACE MONSTERS CAN HURT

There's a monster outside my spaceship, and he is from cold, deep space,

I think he wants to eat me, or maybe mess up real bad, my face,

He has long, sharp teeth, to bite,

Long claws to scratch out my sight,

I am wishing right now, I was way back home, by my fireplace.

IT LURKS BEHIND THE CORN

The monster lurking out behind the fielded corn,

We believe from the earth, it was a pumpkin born,

But an evil, magic spell,

Cast by a rouge witch, named Dell,

Carved the Jack-O-Lantern, that hunts before the morn.

WHAT STICKS IT ALL TOGETHER

My latest four cheese homemade pizza, lies in the garbage bin,

Everyone said it was a vile thing, that wreaks of sin,

I made the pizza from stew,

Of course, I had to use glue,

At least it held together, so I give my effort a win.

ORLANDO BASEBALL

Orlando loved playing the outdoor sport of baseball,

He could make the bases, because he was lean and tall,

He shocked all the umpires faces,

When he made 1st base in 2 paces,

Some said Orlando playing, was not fair at all.

MY PSYCHIC GAVE ME A PREDICTION

My psychic told me not to eat out tonight,
She said if I did I’d go blind; lose my sight,
So, I made dinner at my house,
Ate some tainted pheasant and grouse,
I had my stomach pumped and I’m still not alright.

BARN OWL BEAU AND THE BANSHE

In Freeland, there once was a barn owl, named Beau,

In the hen house, Beau saw a banshee named Coe,

Coe had an egg thieving plot,

But the barn owl, thought not,

So Beau bit off a banshe nose and big toe.

CLYDE THE SPIDER LIMERICK

There once was a spider named Clyde,
He built spider webs with such pride,
Then, down came a great rain,
The webs went down the drain,
Now, he builds all his webs inside.

SNEAKY SNAKES AND GERD

Two rattlesnakes snuck up on a bird,

They thought their soft rattles, were not heard,

Then along came a hound pup,

He ate those snakes for his sup,

But got sick from heartburn, caused by gerd.

FREDDY BROKE A LITTLE BONE

Poor Freddy broke his little bone, down in his little knee,

And he could not get it fixed, he couldn't pay the doctor's fee,

Freddy went to bed,

With a headache in his head,

For if his bone didn't get fixed, he'd become an amputee. 

ALICE IS HOME FOR HALLOWEEN

There once was a old wicked witch, named Alice,

She once lived in an old wicked witch palace,

The walls were made from bones,

Painted in dark orange tones,

It was once a coffee bar, down in Dallas.

THE CANARY AND THE RAVEN, A CAUTIONARY TALE

I had a big pet raven, and he liked to eat canary,

He used to eat them by the bunch, like a small, yellow berry,

The canary birds worked together,

Netted my raven in bad weather,

Then they roasted and ate him in a scene that was real scary. 

I'M A DENTAL TECH

I had to find a pair of pliers, because my tooth was throbbing,

I already tried a string, in a technique I call doorknobing,

My tethered tooth did not slightly budge,

But, my doorknob feel apart, oh fudge,

Then there was horrific pain, screaming and great sobbing.