BAD NEIGHBORS

Someone stole my garden tools,

Methinks the culprits are my neighbor fools,

And, my outdoor chairs,

They've claimed them as theirs,

No one follows the good neighbor rules.

I'M NOT A REAL POET

"Things fall apart," the poet Yeats would divine,

When order turns to chaos, all poets for order pine,

That's why I'm not a poet,

I think anarchy is fine,

I do not talk of hunter birds,

With the rhyming of my words,

And,  I'll end up at Hades gate, 

Churned by worms, I'll fatten bait.

I SHOULD CHARGE ADMISSION, TO MY BEARD

I have a zoo living in my beard,

Animals both common, and also very weird,

There's a howl, a chirp and bark,

Roars like a Jurassic Park,

And there are the smells, which are nastier than what I heard.

MY NEIGHBOR'S CHICKEN OH GOOD GRIEF LIMERICK

My neighbor's chicken oh, good grief,

Got in my chicken and ate my beef,

Although two wrongs don't make right,

My food budget is tight,

So, roast chicken was my chosen relief.

 

GRANDMA AND THE FOUR BEARS

Four bears ate at grandpa's, but he was just a munch,

He was old and skinny and not a satisfying lunch,

But the bears found a winner,

When they ate grandma for dinner,

She was full of whiskey she had laced within her punch.

THE REEF AIR BEEF LIMERICK

Marshal went diving on a deep coral reef,

But, poor Marshal had a really big beef,

He became filled with despair,

Because he had no good air,

It's on his tombstone in a gold relief.
 

BONES UNDER STONES

I went out digging under a pile of stones,

And there I found some humanoid bones,

I was feeling kinda sad,

Something went stellar bad,

There was a long knife with brown, rusty tones,

I went back to my shack to swallow some beer,

To quell my shakes and pervert my fear,

There was a knock at the door,

It was that fella from the store,

He held a knife and I said, "oh dear",

He said he was a fulltime pickle diller, 

And a weekend serial killer,

Now I'm under the stones,

With those other old bones,

Giving worms a protein belly filler.

DAVE NEEDS BUG SPRAY, OR SOMETHING

Dave went and bought some used tights,

They were full of parasites,

On Dave's skin,

The sites dig in,

They squirm a little, then they bites.

JENNY LIKED TO SHOP WITH THRIFT-Limerick

Jenny liked to shop with great thrift,
She spent just a penny for a gift,
But, on gifts she received,
She really got peeved,
Under ten bucks she felt she was stiffed.

THE CANNIBAL LIKED BASIL AND DILL

There was a cannibal who lived on a hill,
He liked to eat peasants with basil and fresh dill,
Now he grew the basil from seed,
But stole the dill weed,
From the peasants' kitchen garden windowsill.

NIPPLE PIERCINGS TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON, LIMERICK

There was a king,

They called Bing Bing,

And here's the thing,

He liked to sing,

"My Ding-A-Ling,"

A nipple piercing,

Was his bling,

Shaped like a diamond ring,

To the past, he did cling,

Hence, he was right-right-wing,

GEORGE WENT FISHING WITH SOME LEECHES-Limerick

George went fishing with some leeches,
Baited them like daddy teaches,
George got a bite,
But din't hold on tight,
Tonight He's eating peaches.

THE PILLOW OF A BACKWOODSMAN

Robert the backwoodsman made his own pillow,
He stuffed it with leaves from an old weeping willow,
But, when he went to bed,
And laid down his head,
The crunching woke his common law wife, Jillo.

GOLD STAR DIRT, EXCEPT FOR BURT

They say we're all made of gold star dirt,

Maybe that's true, except for my cousin, Burt,

For what within he has got,

Mostly resembles green snot,

And Burt's ex says Bert is a pervert.

REMEDY ROOMS

Todd had mushrooms growing on his ceiling,

Todd's mother asked what was Todd dealing,

She thought the mushrooms were worth stealing,

She hoped with muskrat, they'd taste appealing,

And give her ulcer some wood witch healing.

TODD LOST HIS BASE

Todd looked all over the place,

But his feet couldn't find third base,

Todd was tagged out and became a disgrace,

No one would look him in the face,

Except Jean, who gave Todd bear mace,

Todd moved away to another place,

Where Todd just watched the ponies race,

And no one got on his case.

THE BOY AND THE FISH

Where are all the little fish,

I use to see here all the time,

When I waded out past the lily pads,

And, the gross, green frog egg slime,

It's such a trudge out into the lake,

With a cane poll in one hand,

In the other hand I hold a sack of worms,

Sealed with mama's rubber band,

 Now, I cast around my cane poll,

On the end is a hook with a piece of worm,

I let the hook and worm sink down,

Waiting for the line to start to squirm,

Back in school I am no athlete,

Nor, no great brain in second grade,

But, out here I'm a genius Olympian,

Because, I know where and how to wade,

I move slowly leaving a grazing wake,

Then, stop  still at the edge of a deep drop,

Thinking, the time I take is the time I take,

That was taught me by my late pop,

I pull back my cane poll and back flies the hook,

The line drops behind me several feet,

Whipping the poll makes line and bait fly,

The bait plops now, the setup is complete,

In just a moment my lines runs out further, really tight,

Then, slacks-off as it comes toward me,

It turns again, now it's a fight,

It is a big one, I can see,

I see it is a great big bass,

It leaps and fights to be free,

But, he's hooked good, he's going nowhere,

except to supper for mom and me,

I had no net to land the big fish,

So, I backed up pulling him toward the shore,

Working him through the lily pads,

Was a relentless, unplanned chore,

Since it was pan-fish I catch near those lily pads,

The bass must of scared them off this day,

Of course, the big fish is better for dinner,

Because, they're boneless and easy to fillet,

 

I've got the fish out of the water,

I'm pulling him far up on the land,

It don't matter now if the hook pops out when he flops,

He'll just flip and flop in the sand,

 

 

 

I STAYED UP WITH FREDDY

I went out to see the super full moon,

I watched it with Freddy, he's a raccoon,

But uncommonly thick,

Was the blood sucking tick,

And you had to dig the critters out with a spoon.

ALIEN DINNER DATE

I dated an alien from Omicron Eat,

They had no arms, but had kick-ass feet,

They made me a meal,

Out of Omicron eel,

With rolls made from Omicron wheat.

PORCH PIRATE HIDE AND SEEK

I spied a pirate on my porch, and he was a sneak,

Before he grabbed my package, he took a gallon leak,

It was the pirate's fate,

The package had great weight,

The pirate could not run fast, and will play justice hide and seek.

PORCH PIRATES ARE REAL, AND THEY KNOW HOW TO STEAL

I caught a porch pirate stealing and he laughed and said, "Aye, Aye,"

Then he grabbed all my packages, and ran saying, "Bye, Bye,"

Then he got into his car,

Drove off to lands distant and far,

I then told all the family, and they went "Cry, Cry."

THE POISONOUS MUSHROOM DIRGE

Poisonous Mushrooms,
Take, bake, intake, forsake,
Bellyache, quake, wake.

SHOES, SOCKS AND STOCKS

I do not have two shoes that fit,

Nor, even matching socks,

For I lost all my money,

When, I put it all in stocks,

My broker told me to buy this and that,

And, blindly I obeyed,

As he became commission fat,

My wallet became thinner as I paid,

Soon, I had no money,

Alas, I even lost my house,

I had to give up my dog Sonny,

When, divorced became my spouse,

  

Now, at least my broker is doing well,

He invested in real estate,

He bought an upscale hotel,

Now, on easy street he'll skate.  

THE LOG IN MY COFFEE

In my cup of coffee I spotted a log,
When I examined it closer I saw a big polliwog,
Then, he said to me,
"I don't like coffee; make tea,"
So, I tossed the ingrate to my hungry dog.

LIL Limerick

There was a sweet lady named Lil,
She worked down at the bar and grill,
She'd do as you please,
With more onions and cheese,
Her burgers were just such a thrill.

I'VE BEEN VANISHED FROM SOCIAL MEDIA, WHO CARES

I was banned from Twitter for saying fake stuff,

Like the moon is pudding and Mars is just made of fluff,

So, for such political wars,

My enemies have evened scores,

So, I'll go on to live on the rough.

MY PET BAT PICKED BAD FRIENDS

My pet bat is loaded with lice,

He hangs out too much with field mice,

Having really bad friends,

Has led my bat to bad ends,

So, before making new friends he'll think twice.
 

THE THRILL OF THE GRILL

I fired up my old rusty gas grill,

Thought for the holiday I'd cook up a thrill,

I cooked burgers and wieners,

For my juveniles and seniors,

And my grilling made everyone ill. 

THE PINK BALLOON

My pink balloon popped in midair,🎈

It gave a bluebird quite the scare,🐦

So, it dropped some poop,

On my front stoop,

Whilst, I was sitting there. 🙄

THE LIGHTNING STRIKE LIMERICK

There came up a lightning storm,

In my country that is the norm,

But, lightning hit me in the head, 

I saw colors green, turquoise and red,

I passed out cold though the lightning was warm.  

THE PONY TAIL PIG

A poke-a-dot pig with a long ponytail,
Would dance until the all floor joists would fail,
She went on a long cruise,
For food, dancing and booze,
But, her weight sank the ship before it set sail.

POOR PUTTY CAT

I spread some tuna on a stick,

But it fell off before I could lick,

The fish drips hit the ground,

And without making a sound,

The cat ate it and then he got sick.

POLO FACE

I went to play polo and go poloed in my face

It hurt really bad, and I got a face brace,

I looked underneath,

And out dropped all my teeth,

And I thought boy, I've got a court case.

THE TITMOUSE PIRATE

The little titmouse flew out to sea,

And boarded a ship in the Pirate Navy,

With the captain to thank,

The titmouse moved up in rank,

To Midshipman in charge of gunnery. 

THE BIG HAIRY DOG LIMERICK

The big hairy dog that lives down the street,

Ran through my garden with his great big feet,

He tore up my pickle vines,

I observed those sad signs,

This year I'll get no pickles to eat.

THERE WAS AN OLD LADY IN KALKASKA

There was an old lady in Kalkaska,
Her kids all moved to Nebraska,
But, once they came home,
They didn’t want to roam,
Nebraska was too cold like Alaska.

WRONG BAKED BREAD

I baked some bread, but baked it wrong,

You cannot break it unless, you are Kong,

I wanted the bread to harden fast,

So, I used cement from yard projects past,

The bread could be a perch for a bird with a song. 

THE HANSEL AND GRETEL HOODS TALE

Hansel and Gretel went out into the woods,

They went to steal the witch's fresh cookie goods,

But they weren't so lucky,

They were educated in Kentucky,

And tracked the wolf from the Red Riding Hoods.

WHEN THE BEAR BENDS

Bears like to eat people, that's why I have no friends,

My friends went into bear bellies, and came out in piles of twists and bends,

So I decided to befriend bears,

One of my gravest errors,

Now I'm a pile in the forest, and that's where my story ends.

A BANANA MUTED MY TOOT

My trumpet, I tried and tried to make toot,
It didn't work because it was stuffed with a fruit,
It seems my dear nanna,
Didn't like her banana,
The fruit fit my trumpet but not grandpa's flute.

I MET A MONSTER AT THE BARE BEACH

I went to the beach, but nobody was there,

Except for a monster, looking vicious with scare,

I asked, "where'd everyone go?"

The monster replied, "I don't know!

I ate all swimmers, that's why the beach is so bare"

I WENT EXTINCT FEEDING A BEAR

My species went extinct today,

Now I have no one with whom to play,

I found a bear,

But he didn't care,

He ate and swallowed me anyway.

THE SHARKS I CAN LIVE WITH

My swimming pool is all full of sharks,

One snapped at my dog, now my dog bark, bark, barks,

The family disappeared,

I found it quiet and weird,

But I got the house to myself from the dawns through the darks.

WORMS AND BUGS AND PORK AND BEANS, I SCHEMED

I have been looking for pork sausage all day,

It's pricey, and I can't cover it with my low pay,

But with worms and katydids

I'll ground sausage for the kids,

I schemed me pork and beans, but it gang aft a-gley.

PARTYING WITH THE SUPERNATURALS

When the hobgoblins were about to sing,

I knew the elf evils would do their thing,

It was sort of a dance,

Maybe, more of a prance,

Then the black bell in the gnome cathedral, would ring.

MY SISTER GIVES HAIRCUTS

My sister gives haircuts, oh dear, oh dear,
She'll steady her hand for a six pack of beer,
Or when she gets through,
You'll know nightmares come true,
Unless,  away from your reflection you steer.

TODD BOUGHT A CASTLE LIMERICK

                                         
Todd bought an old castle big and gray,                       But, it was drafty and dirty so, his wife wouldn't stay,   She rode off with the horse,                                         The two got a divorce,                                            Now, Todd has castle parties all night and all day.

THREE LITTLE SHREWS

There were three little shrews,
They tried wearing each others shoes,
One shrew’s feet were too fat,
Another shrew’s feet were flat,
The third shoved size four feet into twos.

DEMON SIT

There were old devils in the pit,

And they were taken a demon sit,

They cast their spells,

On Cosmic elves,

Then once done, they split.

THE CHICKEN COUP RETIREMENT FUND

I have a chicken coup full of trash bags, full of cans,

It's my retirement, and I have really big plans,

Down at the town called Old Hollars,

I'll convert them to a fist full of dollars,

Then I'll buy me a new set of pans.

SQUIRREL POX AND THE EMPIRE OF SQUIRREL

The squirrels took over the world,

They spread disease, and all humans hurled,

The plague did humans in,

It was biology, not sin,

With humans gone, the squirrel flag was unfurled.

I CAUGHT SOME PHOTONS WITH MY NOSE

I caught some photons on my nose,

They burned real bad like no one knows,

My sunscreen failed,

The SPF bailed,

Now I suffer with nose woes.

PETER PAM, FRIEND FAILURE

In high school I knew Peter Pam,

He got good grades because for tests he'd cram,

But when it came to being nice,

His comments would deep slice,

So he got an "F" on the friendship exam.

HOW DICK AND SALLY EAT

Sally was an herbivore,
She ate bark and twigs and leaves,
She tried eating a wild boar,
That gave her stomach heaves,

Her boyfriend Dick really loved to eat,
He ate until his belly was soar,
But, Dick ate no plant food, he only ate meat,
Dick was a raging carnivore,

When Dick and Sally had a son,
Both of their feelings were slightly tore,
They were glad their child was having fun,
But, he was a voracious omnivore.

A JOB OR A DITCH, I MUST CHOOSE WHICH

Slushy snow is all I know, and the world has turned to ice,

On icy roads I cannot go for my tires have caught ditches thrice,

I'll soon be on skidrow,

If I pay for one more tow,

But, if I skip work I'll suffer woe since my boss is not so nice.

MY DEER HUNTING RIFLE WOULD NOT SHOOT

My deer hunting rifle would not shoot,
When I pulled the trigger it went "Toot!  Toot!"
So, I guess this year,
I'll just drink beer,
And, earn my title as an old coot.

MY RIVER DANCE

I went to do a river dance, and I almost drowned,

The river swept me off my feet, and twisted me round and round,

Then when I thought my body was free,

I was 14 miles out to sea,

I screamed and hollered until sharks came, when they left I made no sound.

DIRT NAP OR MASK

I didn't wear a mask because I didn't believe in germs,

Now, I'm down in the ground feeding all kinds of worms,

My new ghost has one task,

To preach, "Wear A Mask,

For dirt naps are a sentence with infinity terms."

I MISS MY ST. BERNARD

I saw a little cougar,
Playing in my yard, 
He only weighed 200 pounds,
But, he ate my St. Bernard,

I miss my great big dog,
I'm serious you see,
Because now that my dog is gone,
The cougar is eating me.  

THERE WAS A SPIDER NAMED NELLIE

There once was a spider named Nellie,
She liked to eat toast with her jelly,
The home owners went away,
She ate toast and jelly all day,
That's why she has a big belly.