JIMMY TOILET BELLY

Jimmy had some string beans from a can,

They made him puke, now them, Jimmy ban,

Jimmy is a putzy punk,

He eats lots of veggie junk,

At days end, to the toilet, he ran.

I HAD A BEER WAGON, WITH DEER

I bought me a wagon and a couple of reindeers,

The deers haul the wagon, while I sell cups of warm beers,

For violations, I'm arrested,

My long term patience, will be tested,

I will be sitting in prison for maybe, ten years.

TULIP TIP TOEING AND THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

I tip toed through some tulips, and got my foot caught in a bear trap,

I use to love the tulips, but as of now, I'm very unhap,

I will rot away amongst pretty flowers,

My nutrients giving them super powers,

It will not be long until I bleed out, and then my life's a wrap.

DOOMSCROLLING

I've been very, seriously doomscrolling, all the week long,

I watch doom and gloom, while listening to a doom and gloom, song,

Many say I'm a nut,

But I do know what's, what?

Many say I waste my time, and my twisted brain worms, are wrong

EATING THE MOUTH FOAMER ON EASTER DAY

The big rabbit I shot has rabies, is he still safe to eat?

I promised the kids a rabbit for an Easter dinner treat,

It's kind of sickly, spongy meat,

Maybe kill the rabies, with heat?

I'll try feeding it to grandpa, then with the kids, I'll repeat.

TRINA AND HER ANIMAL HIDE

Trina went to Alaska to buy a reindeer carcass coat,

 But, the only coat that fit Trina, was one made out of goat,

Trina's goat skin coat looked real fine,

Until, she spilled on it red wine,

Trina couldn't get the stain out, so to the goat tanner she wrote.

GOOBERS AND JOE

My kids are eating couch found goobers, because I'm all out of doe,

I went outside to dig for taters, but the tates are in deep snow,

At the top of the hill

I did spy a roadkill,

I will not tell the next door neighbors, that we dined on their cat, Joe.

A FLYING FRY CAN PUT OUT AN EYE

The meal I made had become weaponized,

The kids were fighting each other with fries,

Surrounded by missile booms,

I sent all kids to their rooms,

I stand determined that nobody dies.

SONNY GOT MY TOOTH, BUT THE DEVIL GOT MY SOUL

My tooth really ached after I ate some pudding cake,

I tried to pull the tooth, but all it did was break,

For dental work, I had no money,

I called for help, my buddy, Sonny,

He dug out the tooth, then angels, my soul, did take.

GET LOCKED IN, AND DING DONG A WIN IN LINEAR ALGEBRA

Before an exam, I get my brain matter locked in,

By ear-budding some music, that channels me a win,

I chose a special song,

That wakes my brain, ding-dong,

Once my test is done, I have a pizza for my din.

THE RED RECKONING FOR DEAD SNOW

I went riding on my snowmobile; it is also called a sled,

I ran over a brand new snowman, now I think that he is dead,

He belonged to the kid, next door,

The kid saw me, now it is war,

The kid sent his Doberman to bite me; my wounds turned the snow red.

SALAMANDER SAUSAGES REPLACED THE PICKLED EGGS

They use  to keep a jar of pickled eggs, at my neighborhood bar,16

The eggs were sitting on the counter in a vinegar filled jar,

Now the jars have no chicken eggs,

Replaced by sausages with legs,

Someone decided pickled salamanders were with eggs, on par.

ADRIATIC FOUND NOME

Adriatic the real nice Martian, ended his interplanetary roam,

He settled down in Northern Michigan, in a quaint, double wide, mobile home,

His neighbors were really mean,

Their gestures were obscene,

Adriatic moved away to charming Alaska, and settled down in Nome.  

MY ROOMMATE DID A JOLLY ROGER MOVEOUT

My roommate did a Jolly Roger, and stole everything that I had,

When he moved out he took all of my stuff, with the help of his pirate dad.

I decided I would sue,

Went to court, but lost, oh poo,

I just hope my new roommate, doesn't do a pirate Jolly Roger, bad.

I WILL JOLLY ROGER YOU

Just to pay my rent and car payment, I have to work long and hard,

 I just can't make any minimum payment, on my bank, credit card,

My CC is for transport, and noodle food,

I steal my internet, from the next door dude,

Maybe I'll be a porch pirate, and Jolly Roger that dude's yard.

LARGE STAKEHOLDERS TRY TO FORCE ME TO RETIRE

I journeyed to the Carpathians to become a real vampire,

Ever since I was a new born, sucking fresh blood was a desire,

I drink down blood that's red,

I big burp after I'm fed,

I avoid people with wooden stakes, because they might make me retire.

FEEDING POOR KIDS POE

I was so darn hungry, I started eating fresh, fallen snow,

I flavored it with weed seeds, that didn't cause me poisoning, woe,

I flavored the kid's snow with lime juice,

Told them the the snow was magic goose,

Then I read to them "The Tell Tale Heart", by Edgar Allen Poe.

SUSTAINED BY THE EARTH AND SEA

I cannot afford eggs, but I got some egg shells for free,

They fell from a nest, underneath my weeping willow tree,

The egg shells were baby, sky blue,

The color excited my stew,

I flavored it with salt, harvested from the coral sea.

PRICE ANXIETY AT THE GROCERY STORE

I drove down to the grocery store, and walked through it twice,

Everything was too high priced, even the beans and rice,

I thought at least I could afford bread,

That was a fantasy in my head,

I couldn't afford any bread, if I bought it by the slice.

MY SCHOOL PAPER IS AN AI SUCCESS

My skill in writing papers is very ugly, a catastrophe, bad

My graded papers come back, with an emoji face that's eye bawling, sad,

I bought a paper wrote by AI,

It was so brilliant, I had to cry,

I received an A+, and teacher fan fuss, and my win made brainies mad.

EVIL UNDER THE BARN

There's a crawlspace underneath the old, stone barn,

Something bad lives there, and if it gets you, Darn!

It has sharp, smelly claws,

Big toothed laden, huge jaws.

The old beast creeps over a bed of hot skarn.

I DULLED MY HOOK ON A SALMON, AND THE CRAPPIE GOT AWAY

I lost another crappie fish, off my hook,

It was a sneaky fish, and my worm he took,

My rusty, old hook, ain't very sharp,

Because I used it, fishing for carp,

When I hooked a salmon, a great big Chinook.

THE DOUBLE HEADED EAGLE

There was a double headed eagle, that use to sit in my apple tree,

The eagle use to eat the apples, but the apple tree died, recently,

The two heads spotted every small worm,

The eagle liked to catch and make them squirm,

I loved to watch the eagle hunt worms, while I sipped my chamomile tea.

MURRAY THE GOAT COUGHED UP...

Murray ate everything, because he was a goat,

That is how Murray got a fur ball, stuck in his throat,

Murray had eaten a straw hat,

The hat was home to a big rat,

Murray coughed up a fur ball, and his owner's remote.

THE BEER GARDEN TROUT BLUES

Every time I catch a trout, it is too dinky, so I throw it back,

I want to catch a large keeper, so I can give its head a big rock whack,

My big eyes shed tavern tears,

While nursing my bar tab beers,

I wish I could have fish to fry, once I track home to my shack.

ELYSIUM LIVES IN MY CHICKEN COUP

My  bestest friend Elysium, went to take a withdrawal from their bank,

Elysium lost all of their money, because the bank was in the tank,

The bank made zero credit, mortgage loans,

Invested in refurbished, flip flop phones, 

Broke, Elysium moved into my chicken coup, although the smell is rank.

LEONARDO IN MY TREE

I saw Leonardo da Vinci sitting in my dead, apple tree,

He was painting an unflattering oily portrait of little me,

I told him his painting stops,

Or I was calling up cops,

Leo ran down to the boat yard, but six cops tackled him by the sea..

APOCALYPSE HUNTER

Although they're easy to catch protein, do not eat too many rats,

They will give you big gas bubbles, and their meats are full of bad fats,

I eat rats five times each week,

Then other vermin, I seek,

Sometimes I will eat bird, if I find them before, the feral cats.

AN EGG SUBSTITUTION GONE BAD

I was going to bake my kid a nice birthday cake,

But the supermarket had no eggs, for me to take,

I subs some baking soda,

It choked my kid named, Rhoda,

When can I get some fresh, laid eggs, oh, for goodness sake?

INVESTOR WORRY AND DREAD

I invested heavily in hot stocks,

I also bought some gold and silver rocks,

I fretted my brain away,

Until the end of the day,

Always looking at the movement of clocks.

BLOWDART SEASON FOR DINOSAURS

I went hunting real dinosaurs, but I did not see a one,

You can only hunt them using a dinosaur, blowdart gun,

You have to hit them in the heart,

With a fresh poisoned, blowdart

If your dart misses the heart, then you had better start to run.

POEM OF THE SPACEMAN

I am so stuck on this planet, earth,

Been stuck here since my mother gave birth,

It is:  on earth born, on earth bury,

Yet, I feel interplanetary,

Peasants deserve earth; it's space I'm worth.

KING ONLINE

I got an online notice from my king,

Seems I've been saying the wrong kind of thing,

He said I'd better speak nice,

I should heed his advice,

Or in the prison choir I will sing.

THE SAND HILL OF BEETLES, SEEDS AND BABIES

I am a little orange beetle, climbing up a sandy hill,

I am crunching on some little seeds; can't seem to get my fill,

Once at the top,

I will not stop,

I'll eat down the other side; maybe I'll mate, and have a thrill 

BEAR BABIES AND LOVE

I had a gigantic, stuffed panda bear, named Sammy,

He married my cute, stuffed koala bear, named Tammy,

They had an alpha cub,

His name was Bubba Bub,

Bubba married a polar bear, her name was Pammy.

TRINA WENT TO CANADA

Trina went to Canada, to buy herself some maple candy,

Trina bought a Canada cap, for her dear, big sister, Sandy,

Trina flew across the Meridian,

Because she is a real Floridian,

Trina made it home by noon, to open her bottle of brandy.

PHOENIX, BEANS AND JEANS

Phoenix is a great big pit bull, and he likes his navy beans,

I mix in a little meat, and about 1/2 cup of greens,

Phoenix sleeps in my kid's bed,

Phoenix farts, oh dread, oh dread,

If that isn't bad enough, Phoenix chews holes in all our jeans.

BAD LUCK UNCLE LEE

My Uncle Lee has been acting very weirdo, strange,

Ever since Uncle got that slight case of doggy mange,

He also caught a pox, 

While confined in detox,

He's also lost his savings, playing the stock exchange. 

BAD ECONOMY, CHEAP RENT AND THE NUTTER

The economy is in the sewer, not the gutter,

I sold all my golf clubs, including my office putter,

To have rent that's nearly free,

I moved in with Uncle Lee,

He is crazy; the exact definition of "nutter".

THE PLASTIC PLANT AUNT

I love my plastic, indoor palm tree plant,

I inherited it fro!m my dearest, sweet aunt,

It does not mind, colder or hotter,

It can stand the lacking of water,

Can it melt in the front window? It can't.

FOOD INSECURITY, ARE NICE WORDS THAT MEAN STARVATION

Because of severe economic, downturn inflation,

My family's food stores are all gone like a castration,

Gone are foods in cans and the jars,

Food I found in the seats of cars,

We're eating bark and grass, out of hunger, desperation.

RAT DANCING WITH PHIL THE PHILISTINE

My brother was truly, a philistine, so he liked to sleep outside,

He moved into the old chicken coup, with the chickens he could confide,

He didn't like culture, so much,

With family, not in touch,

My brother did come to my wedding, and danced the rat dance with my bride.

MY EX TOOK THE FURNITURE, AND FED MY CAT TO THE RAT

I slept on the floor, and got bit by a gigantic rat,

I'm sure it's the same one that ate my sweetie, kitty cat,

My ex is so dog, gone lame,

The rental is in my name,

My ex owned the furniture, and took their stuff, oh drat!.

THEFT OF THE FLUTE

My favorite, little, straight flute, got pinched today,

Someone evil grabbed it, and ran quickly away,

It has a silver shine,

Smells like menthol and wine,

It toots soothing notes, when I relax by the bay.

I HAVE HAPPY BIRTHDAY FEET

I celebrated my birthday, but did not get a baked, cake treat,

The only present that I got, was some potion for my sore feet,

I rubbed on the magic potion,

It smelled like a dead fish ocean,

A miracle, my pain went away, now I'm dancing to the beat,

THE EVERYTHING SUCKS LIMERICK

My electricity is not steady, like before,

The lights flicker, and flutter, then they shine, never more,

I paid my complete bill,

But, the e-grid  is ill,

Like cloud high food prices, something is sick at some core.

YOU DON'T NEED A HEAD TO SELL LIFE INSURANCE

My life insurance salesman was clearly, very dead,

He showed up to my appointment, without any head,

I offered him coffee or tea,

He just hand patted his left knee,

I signed the contract, he made a sale with nothing said.

THE EYEBALL AND THE STRING BEANS

Prices are going high, high, high as my small wages go low, low, low,

Things are looking dire, the kids want groceries, but I have no doe,

I begged for some charity,

Was told nothing is for free,

For a three pound sack of string beans, I sold an eyeball, kidney and toe.

THE HOWLING HOOD HUNTER

My doctor told me I was a werewolf, and there is nothing he can do,

Forever, I'll be howling at the moon, whenever it is full or new,

I will move out to the deep woods,

Where I can hunt Red Ridding Hoods,

Maybe I will learn to hunt some other Hoods, like yellow, green, black or blue.

TITILLATION AND INCARNATION

Each one of my web sites is considered juvenile, click bait,

That's what the latest AI incarnation, told my 1st Mate,

My titles are "titillating",

The real read is "constipating",

AI can visit my sites, but I wish they laid off the hate.15

THE DAY OLD DIXIE DIED, AND LEFT ME SOMETHING

Today, old Dixie died of a heart attack, within her mobile home,

She forever sleeps in oblivion, and her mind don't have to roam,

Dixie had an extensive will,

I got her pantry, canned roadkill,

Her trailer belonged to the welfare, as did her mattress made of foam.

SCHOOL ROOM INSPECTION

My seven roommates and I got a surprise room inspection, today,

We live in public, university housing, so we must obey,

They found our bean, bag chair,

Ordered it out of there,

Because it was a fire hazard, and smelled like soiled underwear.

WHERE THE LITTLE FOX PEES

Gordon has a big cardboard box,

Where he  keeps his little pet fox,

The fox has disease,

That spreads when he pees,

Gordon came down with a fox pox.

WARNING: NOT ALL BIRDS LAY EGGS

I wanted to have daily, fresh eggs for family treats,

I went to the pet store, and  bought a pair of parakeets,

The two birds, I did beg,

Didn't lay one single egg,

Then I see both birds are male, according to the receipts.

I WORK AT THE JERK

I finally got me some paying work,

I'm head cook at a restaurant called, Jerk,

We serve only jerky,

In our sauce called, murky,

We serve just fowl, mainly chicken and turk.

I HAVE A COFFEE PROBLEM

I got cracked off on my coffee, because it was way too strong and hot,

It was the kind of drink, that if you are stuffed up, it will make you snot,

So, I embraced my draining nose,

It dripped, then wet my frontal clothes,

I'll never sleep because I am hammered, from the caffeine that I got.

TWO FACED MONSTER WAS DOUBLE THE UGLY

A two faced creature was lurking outside my door, in the hall,

It was a double, ugly monster; he was 15 feet tall,

It broke down my hard, steel door,

It was a thing from the store,

The display creature, followed me home from the Bizarre Pet Mall.

HURRIED LUNCHBREAK

At lunch, I ate my chicken in a hurry,

That is why I splashed on way too much curry,

I drank six beers, 

Shed sixty tears,

Then it was straight back to work, I did scurry.

THE FOG AND SMALL BOBBER, TROUT MYSTERY

A caliginous fog hung over the big, lake bay,

That made my small bobber fishing, difficult today,

I fretted with brain wonder,

Had my bobber gone under,

Did a rainbow trout grab my leach, and scurry away.

TUMBLEWEEDING TODAY

I am a tumbleweed, and I went tumbling today,

The wind pushed me along, faster than seeds, or dry hay,

I tumbled past some fence wire, 

Into a blazing truck tire,

That's when I caught fire, and the wind blew me away.