THE EYEBALL AND THE STRING BEANS

Prices are going high, high, high as my small wages go low, low, low,

Things are looking dire, the kids want groceries, but I have no doe,

I begged for some charity,

Was told nothing is for free,

For a three pound sack of string beans, I sold an eyeball, kidney and toe.

THE HOWLING HOOD HUNTER

My doctor told me I was a werewolf, and there is nothing he can do,

Forever, I'll be howling at the moon, whenever it is full or new,

I will move out to the deep woods,

Where I can hunt Red Ridding Hoods,

Maybe I will learn to hunt some other Hoods, like yellow, green, black or blue.

TITILLATION AND INCARNATION

Each one of my web sites is considered juvenile, click bait,

That's what the latest AI incarnation, told my 1st Mate,

My titles are "titillating",

The real read is "constipating",

AI can visit my sites, but I wish they laid off the hate.15

THE DAY OLD DIXIE DIED, AND LEFT ME SOMETHING

Today, old Dixie died of a heart attack, within her mobile home,

She forever sleeps in oblivion, and her mind don't have to roam,

Dixie had an extensive will,

I got her pantry, canned roadkill,

Her trailer belonged to the welfare, as did her mattress made of foam.

SCHOOL ROOM INSPECTION

My seven roommates and I got a surprise room inspection, today,

We live in public, university housing, so we must obey,

They found our bean, bag chair,

Ordered it out of there,

Because it was a fire hazard, and smelled like soiled underwear.

WHERE THE LITTLE FOX PEES

Gordon has a big cardboard box,

Where he  keeps his little pet fox,

The fox has disease,

That spreads when he pees,

Gordon came down with a fox pox.

WARNING: NOT ALL BIRDS LAY EGGS

I wanted to have daily, fresh eggs for family treats,

I went to the pet store, and  bought a pair of parakeets,

The two birds, I did beg,

Didn't lay one single egg,

Then I see both birds are male, according to the receipts.

I WORK AT THE JERK

I finally got me some paying work,

I'm head cook at a restaurant called, Jerk,

We serve only jerky,

In our sauce called, murky,

We serve just fowl, mainly chicken and turk.

I HAVE A COFFEE PROBLEM

I got cracked off on my coffee, because it was way too strong and hot,

It was the kind of drink, that if you are stuffed up, it will make you snot,

So, I embraced my draining nose,

It dripped, then wet my frontal clothes,

I'll never sleep because I am hammered, from the caffeine that I got.

TWO FACED MONSTER WAS DOUBLE THE UGLY

A two faced creature was lurking outside my door, in the hall,

It was a double, ugly monster; he was 15 feet tall,

It broke down my hard, steel door,

It was a thing from the store,

The display creature, followed me home from the Bizarre Pet Mall.

HURRIED LUNCHBREAK

At lunch, I ate my chicken in a hurry,

That is why I splashed on way too much curry,

I drank six beers, 

Shed sixty tears,

Then it was straight back to work, I did scurry.

THE FOG AND SMALL BOBBER, TROUT MYSTERY

A caliginous fog hung over the big, lake bay,

That made my small bobber fishing, difficult today,

I fretted with brain wonder,

Had my bobber gone under,

Did a rainbow trout grab my leach, and scurry away.

TUMBLEWEEDING TODAY

I am a tumbleweed, and I went tumbling today,

The wind pushed me along, faster than seeds, or dry hay,

I tumbled past some fence wire, 

Into a blazing truck tire,

That's when I caught fire, and the wind blew me away.

IT'S DOOR DOWN COLD

The door fell off my small apartment, and the cold air from the hall flooded in,

I put plastic over the doorway; it's the closest I can come to a win,

The best that I can do,

Still, freezing cold, boo hoo,

My apartment is much colder, than my refrigerators fresh, produce bin.

CATS OUTSIDE

What should I do, on a boring, old Saturday night?

I could watch outside to see if the two tommys fight,

They have the love smittens,

Each wants to make kittens,

Potential ma cat thinks "no", and she has a hard bite.

THE GREENING OF THE CLOTH

When I put clothes in my brand new, washing machine,

Not matter the detergent, my clothes come out green,

The temperature of the water

Doesn't matter if cold, or hotter,

My clothes do come out smelling fresh, and seem quite clean.

RECKONING FOR THE DOOR AND HEAD

When I get real sleepy, I lie down on the soft, carpet floor,

Hoping I don't get hit in the head, when someone opens the door,

My brother is a mean, door geek,

He booped me in the head, last week,

I let the dog pee on his bed, I think that evens the score.

CHANGING FOOD CHOICES AS SOCIETY IMPLODES

You know your economy is in a full retreat,

When both your grandmas start looking, really good to eat,

I am never complaining,

Weight loss is entertaining,

Be nice to have a ham sandwich, or one pickled beat.

FLUE AND THE UNHAPPY COLOR

Everyone has caught the flue,

Even the little birdies, too,

No one knows what to do,

Who should we chose to sue,

Resting in bed, it's true,

Some are feeling, others turning, the unhappy color, called blue.

I WENT TO THE STORE AND FROZE MY SOCKS OFF

It's Valentines Day, and no one got me roses,

It is cold, and all I got was frozen toeses,

I walked to the store,

Got cold to the core,

Now my toes must come off, the doctor proposes.

WHEN THE BELLY SAYS "ICE CREAM"

I always go for ice cream cones to the Mancelona Mall,

They pile chocolate ice cream high, at least half a foot tall,

They dab on some pinkish fluff,

Then gritty, powdered nut stuff,

You have to eat your cream quickly, or on the floor it will fall.

JUMPING TO CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF PAUL

The chicken wings are in the deep freezer; the pails of beer are in the fridge,

Grandpa is an old geezer, but he can't keep up drinking beer with Aunt Midge,

For the birthday party for Paul,

I invited everyone I could call,

I offered each a teaser; regarding bungee jumping off of the bridge,

VALENTINE'S DAY MISTAKE

My valentine always expects a nice, fancy thing,

Like a thick, golden bracelet, or fancy, gemstone ring,

This year I built a nice scrapbook,

Thought they'd like the personal look,

My valentine couldn't stop yelling, and demanding bling.

VALENTINE'S DAY HAPPY

I have no money, no credit to dine my valentine, 

They said, "get lost loser", so I'm not feeling fine,

I went to the theatre -plex,

Saw a dinosaur named, Rex,

Rex destroyed that world; I decided to taste wine.

BLEACH CHANGES THINGS, IN THE LAUNDRY

My socks were making my toes itch and scratch,

So I put the socks in the laundry batch,

I did not use soap,

Or any of that dope,

I did spill in some bleach, now they don't match.

MY SAX HAS COST ME $75,000, AND WARM AIR

My online heating statement is ready, but my bank account is closed,

Each way I look at it, my monthly finances are totally hosed,

To buy my saxophone,

I took out a big loan,

Back in 2003, I didn't know the danger, my credit card imposed.

VIOLENT BEAST HAS BEEN "ZOOED"

My pet camel bit me, so I sold him to the zoo,

After that horrific attack, what else would you do?

 I named him Uncle Terry,!

He likes sniffing strawberry,

If you don't have strawberry, lavender scent will woo. 

KYLE THE PILE

There is a neighbor dog, named Kyle,

He always sleeps quite a while,

He eats his meal,

Does his toilet deal,

Today, I stepped in his pile.

MOVING THE OVERTON WINDOW FOR PROFIT

I'm trying to move the Overton Window, so people will like my new cheese,

I make it out of unpasteurized cow milk, then give it a bigly, deep freeze,

It tastes so good,

Chews like soft wood,

I hope this product is more accepted, than my purple honey, puked by bees.

I WENT OUT ON A DATE, AND WHAT DID I SEE

I went out on a date, and what did I see,

Two long vampire teeth, coming for me,

I hate to just whine,

But dates found online,

Most often, they will end, unpleasantly.

I HAVE MUMMY IN MY TUMMY

I went into a pyramid, and confronted a beast,

He was looking for yummy mummies, upon which to feast,

The old mummies looked quirky,

Tasted like turkey jerky,

The jerky from the feet, is the jerky I liked the least.

ME AND MY TWIN AND THE BOAT

Although our summer boat was small, and made with tin,

It was the fishing vessel of myself, and twin,

We'd row on the lake,

To hook a fish steak,

Mostly, we got a severe sunburn on our skin.

SPACE FARM ONE, ON MARS

I am excited to start farming in outer space,

I believe Mars makes for the ultimate, testing case,

I will bring cows, and make them stay,

I'll fill their mouths with lots of hay,

I'll suck in the clean air of Mars, a pristine, nice place.

MY JUICE IS PEE: I FOUND OUT

The grape juice that I buy, is mostly made of pig pee,

The Pig Pee Corporation has been poisoning me,

The things that I most love and savior,

Are added sugars and grape flavor,

Are infused with pork fizzy, that would sting like a bee.

MY RECIPE FOR SWEET AND SOUR TUNA FISH

I like to add pineapple juice to my tuna cuisine of fish,

I add a dap of lemon, and some sugar to my tasty dish,

I add the sweetest pickle relish,

Serve with lettuce leaves to embellish,

When I find a fish bone wishbone; I break it, and it grants a wish.

IN LIFE, BEING STUPID HAS CONSEQUENCES

I had a can of old porky beans,

I traded it for some powdered greens,

I tried to get healthy,

But, I was not wealthy,

I was never on a list called "Deans".

THE STOODS

I live in a collapsed mansion, out in the backwoods,

It has an ancient mansion name, I call it "The Stoods",

It stood through revolts and wars,

Great fires, floods and downpours,

It stood off all great evils, an outpost for the  goods.

YOU MUST GO TO BELGIUM, FOR BELGIUM WAFFLES AND EGGS, RIGHT?

My roommates sent me to Belgium to buy waffles and eggs,

I could not find either one, although I walked off my legs,

I flew straight back to New York,

My roommates called me a dork,

I had to stay with my dumb sister, we all call her Pegs.

POLAR VORTEX LOSS

A big polar vortex came down after me,

That's why I'm buried in an ice and snow sea,

I've dug all about,

Found no real way out,

This spring they'll find my carcass; that's how it be.     

I tried making a fire, but have no firewood,

The furniture is metal, so that does me no good,

My clothing is quite warm,

Holding out for this storm,

I will last dream of my babe, walking old Hollywood.

When I thawed, I was buried deep in the ground,

I heard my babe crying, a faint, fading sound,

Forever is lonely, I understand,

Just darkness and quiet,

No sky, ocean or land.

 

Note: "Sweet Betsy Of Pike Melody"

COFFEE CREAMER CHOKING CHUNKS

My coffee creamer had turned into a Romano cheese,

It had been on the porch a fortnight, and did a deep freeze,

My coffee floated cheese chunks,

That stuck together in hunks,

It did not taste too good, and choking on chunks, made me sneeze.

SCHRODINGER'S CAT UNBOXED

My friend Schrodinger, could not find his son's, dead cat,

It was not in the box, where it should of been at,

The mystery did grow,

Then we spied my son, Moe,

With a cat tail hanging from his mouth, what a brat.

HEALTHCARE FOR CHICKENS

I had a pet rooster, too bad he got head lice,

I pulled out his feathers, and in fat, fried him twice,

I killed off his bugs,

The kids gave me hugs,

We ate that pet chicken, and he tasted real nice.

GAMMA GRANDMA AND THE MONKEYS PAW

My monkey's unearthly armpits, smell like bananas,

Not like chunk, diced onions, emanating from nana's,

My monkey's little paw,

Reminds me of grandma,

Her skin is so wrinkled, from sunbathing in gammas.

BLEEDING OUT A CRICKET HOLE

I was hunting bugs for my dinner, something good to cook,

I stepped on an empty cricket shell, and that's all it took,

The shell cut, so wide and deep,

No tear fluids, could I keep,

I feared blood seeping through the gash, and so I could not look.

THE SUPERBOWL SUNDAY RECKONING

I was watching the Superbowl and eating cheese balls,

I  violently disagreed with all the ref calls,

Many cheese balls started flying,

The screen had cheese pieces drying,

Then peanut butter on crackers, I launched at the walls.😡

WHEN I ASKED THE JUDGE FOR BAIL

When I asked the judge for bail, the judge said he would deny,

He said I could not defend, the bad things that I did try,

I did have a witness to depose,

But, no deposing the mean judge chose,

Now it's off to the electric chair, where my brains will fry.

MY DAISY GOES AWAY

I had a beautiful, pet log, its name was Daisy,

I'd sit on it, and talk to it, like I was crazy,

Then one frosty, and sunny day,

A logger, took Daisy away,

I would have used her for firewood, but I'm lazy.

I'D EAT THE DOG'S AND CATS, BUT THE NEIGHBORS BEAT ME TO THEM

Prices are way high, and I can't shop for beer,

All of the good stuff, they cannot sell it here,

Can't afford chicken legs,

Forget about any eggs,

When I see a dead rat, I call that meat dear.

MY INVESTMENT STRATEGY

I invested in some stocks, and that felt crazy, nice,

I never quite realized, I was just rolling fixed dice,

I lost all of my money,

Got divorced from Sweet Honey,

The only foods I can afford, are split peas and rice.

ARNIE RENTS HIS TENT, BUSINESS

Arnie went to the park, and pitched a big tent,

He made himself rich by charging folks, a rent,

To avoid a police warning,

Armies tent came down by morning,

All the patrons thought the tent was heaven sent.

TRINA IS RAT DANCING FOR YOUTUBE CLICKS

Trina likes to Rat Dance where it's a dark and dismal, rural,

Sometimes with a dancing mink, and sometimes a dancing squirrel,

When Trina gets home,

Her mouth fills with foam,

When bit by her dancing friends, Trina gets sick, and has to hurl. 

HUMANS NEED THEIR HEAD REDESIGNED

The human face and head are shaped, so weird,😶

They're ugly, in the open, they get jeered,👎

An alien face,👍

One born in outer space,🌟

Is a lot prettier, so I have heared.👽

CARTER THE ROCKETEER, SWEET DREAMS OLD CHAP

Carter got a degree in rockets, so he could sail them into the sky,

Carter used only dynamite for fuel, and it propelled the pieces, high,

Carter dreamed his pieces would reach Mars,

Then maybe pass by some distant stars,

When dear Carter's fuel blew him away, the coroner wondered, how and why?

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T EAT IT

My little brother is psychotic, bad,

He picked his nose at the store, nasty lad,

Brother wiped boogs from his nose, 

Across his newly, cleaned clothes,

That embarrassed to tears, both mom and dad.

TRINA AND THE WHOPPER WOOLY

Trina got some brand new, pink shoes that fit her tiny, little feet,

Mom packed Trina a sack lunch, so she could stuff her small face and eat,

Trina had a bully,

Her name, Whopper Wooly,

Trina gave Wooly her lunch each day,  to avoid a whopper, beat.

TRINA AND THE FIZZY DRINK

My big sister, Trina, wanted me to get her a fizzy drink,

I just scooped up some soapy water, from the bottom of the sink,

She sipped some fizzy, and well,

The sink bottom, I now dwell,

The worst thing is the garbage disposal,  it makes a big, loud clink.

2525

I'M THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME, FISHES

Tammy let everyone know that she was a G.O.A.T

The greatest of all time, at sailing a sailing boat,

Her jealous brother, Doug,

Pulled her big, sailboat plug,

Tammy sank down to Poseidon, and that's all she wrote.

KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN, OR THE BEDBUGS WILL GET YOU!

Sammy had little, baby bedbugs maturing in his nose,

All the neighbors would get bedbugs, upon a Sammy expose,

Sammy spread bedbugs near and far,

He drove them around, in his car,

When Sammy died from bedbug bites, they spread through Sammy's used clothes.

I ENTERTAIN WITH MY LIPS

I was up on the main stage, showing off my whistling ways,

I whistle real good, and at major concert venues, it pays,

I whistled, "Sweet Mary From Pike",

That's a tune, they usually like,

This audience was grumpy, because of technical delays.

WORT PICKERS SUBJECT TO FINES AND JAIL

Jimmy picked at his oozing, purple, hairy wart,

That got him arrested, and a day in night court,

Jimmy flubbed his  case,

His defense, no base,

Jimmy went to jail, under a police escort.