BARB'S BEE DEGREE

Barb got a post-doctoral degree,

By studying the insect called  a bee,

Of course, I thought it real funny,

But Barb got me lots of free honey,

Which sweetens my bun during tea.

DOWN RIVER TO THE STUD

My roommate left the water on, after he washed off his crud,

It turned into a little river, that turned into a flood,

Our little apartment fell away,

Into the room where the landlord lay,

He was with several girlfriends, because he was a stud.

THE STUPIDEST LIMERICK I HAVE EVER WROTE PART IV

I was a slop slob and spilled all over, my root beer float,

So, I had to turn inside out, my reversible coat,

The color is a bright, bright yellow,

I was a noticeable fellow,

I made a note in my journal, and it's all that I wrote.

THE MARS RAVE THAT NEVER WAS

I went to a rave party, way up on old planet mars,

They don't have combustion engines, so they don't drive earth cars,

The breakdown of our transport,

Meant our rave, we did abort,

And, we walked back to the space station, heads tucked into jars.

ME AND MICKEY DOWN BY THE SEASIDE

Me and Mickey were pals, and we always sat by the sea,

Watching the sunsets, dreaming of what the next day might be,

One day Mickey didn't show,

For mature, he did grow,

Now, Mickey spends all his sunsets, with his growing family.

HUNTING KILLER POTATOES

I don't know what happened, but my potatoes went feral,

They grew big mouths with big teeth, and ate my sister, Carol,

They ate my dad and my mum,

And, drank half of my rum,

The way that I'll stop them, is with lead from my gun barrel.

MOZART ON THE DIDGERIDOO

I heard Mozart played on a didgeridoo,

It was something different, something quite new,

I heard The Magic Flute,

On a doo, not a toot,

The doo played an encore, it was Love Is Blue.

#Love Is Blue, composed by by Paul Mauriat

FARE THEE WELL YOUNG JIMMY YONG

Young Jimmy got bit by a bad tick,

And, the tic bite made Jimmy so sick,

It was one hot summer day,

We laid in sand by the bay,

Just a bite, and my Jimmy went quick.

MY EX AND SOCIAL DEATH

A split was what my ex and I  each thought that we would need,

To turn around our lives and then, with the relationship proceed,

I embraced meditation but, my ex did a different deed,

My ex gave false witness against my soul on their social media feed,

Now, I'm not welcomed anywhere for a coffee or a meade.

CYRUS LIKES TO.LOOK NICE, MORE

Jimmy dreams of pumpkin and pie,

Dean dreams of peanuts, roasted dry,

Harry dreams of almond milk,

Cyrus dreams of shirts, all silk,

They all dream of food, except Cy.

MR. TIM THE WOODCHUCK LIMERICK

Mr. Tim the woodchuck ate fruit and salad,
Then, he'd belly-up to the piano and write a ballad,
His musical abilities were self-taught,
All his tunes were quickly bought,
Showing his talents were not a hoax but were valid.

GINGERBREAD COOKIES

I love my cookies of sweet gingerbread,

The gingerbread flavor goes right to my head,

Cookies of molasses,

Bloats bellies with gasses,

Yet, gingerbread cookies makes one feel well fed.

MY GARGOYL SCAT ON THE FLOOR💩

My gargoyle ripped up my homework, then chowed down poor auntie Bess,

My gargoyle was a real jerk, and on the floor, left a big scat mess,

He has a litter box,

Shared with my kitty, Rox,

My teacher won't believe me about my homework, so I'll lie, I guess.

JENNY BOUGHT A USED SNOWMOBILE LIMERICK

Jenny bought a used snowmobile from Dix,
But, he did not tell all the things to fix,
It had spent last winter underwater,
As a second home for Mr. Otter,
Of course, lake bottoms and snowmobiles don’t mix.

GO GET 'EM DARYL

Daryl rubbed alcohol into a raw cut, and boy, did Daryl scream,

The only way to calm him down, was a dish of chocolate ice cream,

Daryl was a simple lad,

Didn't understand, good or bad,

But, coach said Daryl was a great asset, to the JV football team.

PROGRESS THROUGH CHEMISTRY

I would patron the diner way up on the hill,

It had the pretentious name, The Toxic Chemical Spill,

It was a chemical dump,

Now, I'm growing a bump,

And, the treatments are making me ill.

MY TOASTER DID NOT TOAST TOO WELL

My toaster did not toast too well,
It toasted mom's toast too toasty to jell,
So, I spread peanut butter,
Then, served it to mutter,
Who, disappointed, gave me a good yell.

SPACE ALIENS ARE WELCOMED IF THEY DON'T CROP-CIRCLE

I beat my swords into ploughshares  but, kept a few spears,

For fear space aliens might crop-circle my ears,

I figure my pointy sticks,

Shows the aliens were not hicks,

So, they'll leave my crops alone and buy some pizzas and beers.

THE DARDEVLE CAUGHT THE MONSTER

I used the mighty Dardevle to catch me a big fish,

It was an enormous pike, and was a bucket list wish,

It darn near snapped, my wire line,

But, an intervention divine,

A lightning strike on the pike, fried the fish for my dish.

TEETH YANKERS: A FAMILY BUSINESS SUCCESS STORY

I bought me some pliers and set up a fair booth,

I was charging $20 to yank out a tooth,

If you pay $60 for three,

The fourth pulled is free,

If your kid needs one pulled, see my 12 year old, Ruth.

AFTER DOING THE DISHES I SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES BECAUSE, I GOT DRUNK, FELL OFF MY BOAT AND I DROWNED

In life I accomplished my two biggest wishes,

One, to quit my job at the golf club doing dishes,

Two, I lived on a boat in the bay,

Where I'd party all night and all day,

Alas:  I fell overboard now, I sleeps with the fishes.

MY NEIGHBOR, SNEAKY

My neighbor is up to no good,

He's sneaking around my neighborhood,

A temporary renter,

Who likes to break and enter,

He sneaks up on me, more than he should.

WED WHITENING-WOOD

Whitening and Wood were wed,
Then, they stayed in Wood's parent's back shed,
Although the rent was real cheap,
In the cold air would creep,
So, the wood stove was constantly feed.

MY BROTHER'S FROM A DOGGY WORLD

My brother comes from the planet Rin Tin Tin,

That's why he smells like a dog and not men,

He also has fleas,

Mouth-catches bees,

And, pees on ma's trees:  that's a sin.

TO BE, OR NOT TO BE, A BABOON

I went to the zoo, and they tossed me into a cage,

They signed me as a "Baboon", and that filled me with rage,

Then they brought me a nice mate,

And I figured it my fate,

So, a baboon I will play on life's stage.

GOING TO THE FAIR

I went to ride rides at the fair,

I road the big ferris wheel, that was there,

When I heard rattles and clickin'

I started feeling real chicken,

More so, as I plunged through the air.

MY TRAILER IS LIKE A SPACESHIP, RIGHT?

I built a massive space rocket, and it exploded, right in my face,

Now, amongst all the of rocketeers, I am laughed at; a big disgrace,

So, now I just create fireworks,

I won't  be joining the Captain Kirks,

Instead of running NASA, I have a travel trailer for my base.

SILVERY SUE, MY ANGEL IN THE LAKE

Silvery Sue was my all time, favorite pet snake,

Wherever I went, my Silvery Sue I would take,

One day, she challenged a wide tire,

She had no experience, prior,

I scraped up Silvery Sue, and tossed her in the lake.

COMPETING WITH ZOMBIES IN TGE WORKPLACE

I guess zombies are good at coding, at least that's what everybody says,

I didn't think zombies did much, but eat brains and snack on Pez,

Stick an AI in a zombie head,

And, they will code until their eyes aren't red,

Zombie coders find good jobs, because they have an awesome res.

WHAT THE FAMILY WANTS FROM THE GROCERY STORE

I went to the grocery store to buy burger and grits,

Then, I remembered my daughter wanted pimple cream for her zits,

My son wanted eggs and bacon,

Because his muscle development hasn't taken,

And, my wife wants some new oven mitts.

NIGHTMARE FAIR

Vic rode on the merry go round at the big county fair,

Vic rode on a huge chicken, a horse, a duck and a bear,

The critters Vic did not fear,

Even when riding high gear,

But, the operator's stare, gave Vic a bed-wetting scare.

SIMON DOESN'T SAY

I went with Simon to walk through the trees, for hugs,

We saw bears, and birches, and biblical bugs,

Things ugly and pretty,

Lie outside our city,

Life begins and it ends, and at both our heart tugs.

ANOTHER HEATWAVE, HOLIDAY DISASTER

It was so hot out, Jim's coffee couldn't keep ice,

It was so hot out, it killed all Jim's head lice,

His girl, Sweet Polly Sue,

A plastic doll, we all knew,

Had melted, until she didn't look very nice.

JUNGLE BY THE BOOK

Wheezy the cunning barn cat, met Perky the perfect perch,

Wheezy pounced on and ate perky, then resumed her pond search,

Then, Wheezy met cobra,

He was some Casanova,

He gave Wheezy a hickey, then she slept under the birch.

BOWLING WITHOUT DOLLARS, AND NASTY FEET

Jimmy went bowling, but he did not have much cash,

They would not rent him shoes, because of his foot rash,

While some guy used a bathroom stall, 

Jimmy borrowed his bowling ball,

When the guy came for his ball, Jimmy did a dash.

TOE TAG BENNY, CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD

Benny was stone cold and toe tagged, when he came back from the dead,

His resurrection was unnerving, that's what the nurses said,

It unnerved his spouse,

Who moved out of the house,

So, Benny moved in a demon roommate, and his name was Fred.

RAW PORK AND ANGELS

I was so very hungry, the noodles tasted real yummy,

They were not at all done, so they were sitting in my tummy,

Then my pig was so raw,

To eat it I done gnaw, gnaw, gnaw,

Now I'm in the hospital, prognosis: they called my mummy.

TERRY STINKY BUG

There once was a jumping stinky bug, named Terry,

He jumped and would poop on every blueberry,

Terry did it all really quick,

So, no matter which one you'd pick,

Each one was bitter sweet, but texture would vary.

SIR BASE NO FACE

I got knighted, then I had a famous title,

For singing base at the Kings great, grand recital,

The king liked my base,

But, couldn't look at my face,

To be knighted, a pretty face is not vital.

SOME CRITTERS SHOULD NOT WRITE LIMERICKS

I had a pretty peacock named Homer,

Around the old farm, he was a roamer,

On one far distant, roaming prance,

Homer met a vowel, named Lance,

Together, they wrote this gosh, awful poemer.

SOME BUGS ARE JUST NASTY

Three bugs were sitting on my front stoop,

They were all three, taking a big poop,

I chased them all away,

But, the very next day,

They done pooped on my kid's hula hoop.

MY DROOLING DOBERMAN AND I

My doberman is really cruel,
He stands over my pizza to drool,
He smiles with no care,
And, that I can't bare,
Just wait until his license renewal.

DEAD GUYS ARE OUT TO GET ME, SAYS MY PSYCHIC

I went to my Psychic, and her predictions were dire,

Some dead guy told her that he would blowout a tire,

One said he'd wait,

Then seal my fate,

By flying my kite into an electrical wire.

A POACHED PHEASANT TASTES GOOD WITH WINE

The Earl got his mail delivered, but it was not pleasant,

The Earl got a fine, for poaching a little pheasant,

The pheasants name was Daniel Bill,

Tasted great, when the wine got a chill,

The Earl paid his fine; sent his maid, so he was not present.

MY BODY PARTS 4 SALE 💰

My bill collectors suggested, I sell my kidney and my spleen,

They said they were trying to help me, and not trying to be mean,

So, I sold a kidney and two toes,

Paid some bills to ease my woes,

Then I got an infection, because the doctor was not so clean.

JEFFREY AND HIS CORNET

Jeff got out his Vaseline, to grease his cornet slide,

Jeff used the slide to stay in tune, so he could blow with pride,

Jeff was so proud to be 1st chair,

He fingered every note with care,

Jeff never have a girlfriend, for his cornet was his bride.

PIGS GOT MY PAP AND BOYS

All the morel mushrooms were being dug up by feral pigs,

So, we went out hunting them, by following their pig digs,

But, those clever pigs dug a trap,

Caught my two kids, and my pap,

I then bravely ran away, to hide at cousin Quigs.

BACON GREASE SHORTAGE TANKS MICHIGAN ECONOMY

I got a card from Michigan, and this is what it said,

That everyone in Michigan, no longer ate fried bread,

A bacon grease shortage was the blame,

Canola oil, don't taste the same,

Bait shops worry arteries won't plug, then our worms won't get fed.

THE SCRATCHING COW THAT WAITED

My cow always sat on the railroad tracks, waiting for a train,

I decided what my cow needed, was the transplant of a brain,

I chose the brain from my hound dog, Patches,

I didn't like him, on account he scratches,

My cow don't sit on the tracks, but when she scratches, what a pain.

I DID BRAIN SURGERY, ON MY DAYS OFF

I became a kid doctor, like Doogie Hauser, but I did not train,

I decided to start at the top, by operating on the brain,

For just a couple of buck,

I'd do a quick nip and tuck,

I now run my own brain center in Maine.

HOW I WIDEN MY HIPS

Outside it was lightning and rainy,

And I didn't feel like being brainy,

So I got out some chips,

To widen my big hips,

Watched Housewives, while eyeballs got strainy.

DRINKING WITH MONSTERS WITH RUNT

There was a bloody, forest beast, who lived behind my chicken shack,

And, every one of my neighbors, swears he did them, an attack,

So, the beast I had to hunt,

Took my hunting dog, named Runt,

We tracked the beast to the pub, he bought a round, so we kicked back.

THE FRAMING OF THE SHREW

I painted a picture of a little tiny shrew,

I did not have a frame, so that day I had to rue,

So, I built a frame myself,

Used the wood from an old shelf,

I still couldn't hang the picture, because I had no screw.

LOOK AT WHAT THE OLD WITCH DID

There was an old witch who lived up on the hill,

Every fall, all the pretty flowers they'd kill,

Then when the plants were all bare,

Cold came in the air,

And, blankets of snow were laid down everywhere.

WHEN PETER DID PINE FOR WINE

Mr. Peter got angry, alcoholic piney,

When the bar cut him off from his red winey,

So, he went home to his loft,

Put on music, real soft

Then guzzled wine from his two-quart, beer steiny.

OH CRAP, ANOTHER TOURIST TRAP

I went on a paid safari to see lions, tigers and more,

All I saw were just house cats, barn cats, and a small bore,

I just saw kitties, and walking bacon,

For ten bucks, I felt very taken,

But instead of getting a refund, I was tossed out the front door.

IF CAUGHT OUT IN A STORM, INFORM YOUR RA NAMED NORM

Benny was not warm,

When it started to storm,

He was not home at dorm

And, Benny failed to inform,

His RA named Norm.

BUGS AND TEARS

I thought the bugs were lying there dead but they were only sleeping,

When in the morn the room started to warm, the bugs began a creeping,

They crept up my cloths,

And into my nose,

Then tears full of bugs I was weeping.

THE PIZZA DEAD FISH POEM

My pizza,was covered with dead, little fish,

The fish weren't a part of my topping wish,

I demanded an exchange,,

Which pizza guy did arrange,

But the new pizza was thin crust, and I ordered deep dish.

SOCCER, ROCKER, GOODBYE

Harry never left his bedroom, green rocker,

He did not feel well, had a bad tick toker,

Once a big jock at sports,

So the paper reports,

He passed watching an intense game of soccer.