UN-RETIREMENT

I once retired,

Soon in debt, I mired,

The kids, food they required,

A really warm home, I desired,

Back working, caffeinated and wired.

THE CHURCH MOUSE ATTACK

The mouse fell from the church ceiling onto my back,

It squeaked really loud, and gave a big heart attack,

I got whisked straight away,

For a hospital stay,

Although, funds and health insurance, I sadly lack.

MY HAMBURGER SHOULD MAKE ANIMAL SOUNDS

Outdoor grilled hamburgers should be almost, living tissue,

Always, when they are over grilled, that becomes an issue,

Just give a flip and a flop,

Grill marks, both bottom and top,

If you overcook my burger, bad things I will wish you.

THE VEGGIE BURGER

I bit into a big bun hamburger, but no beef was there,

I like tasting cow blood; I like my hamburger, living rare,

The burger was a veggie,

I became a tad edgy,

I threw the burger on the ground, and people gave me a stare.

EYE HOLE DIGGERS

Some ticks fell down from the heavenly, blue sky,

They fell from the dead willow tree; oh dear, my,

I ran to my hotrod,

But, no use was my bod,

I was blind, because they dug holes in each eye.

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THE END

Alive in a world of struggle and desire,

Where dreams and schemes, ends and behinds are all frost and fire,

Please forget me, not,

Desire my lot,

It has come to this ending, I must submit and retire.

Thank you, all my friends.

Leigh Collin Brandt

ROT GUT VEGETATION AND POO

I pulled a pickle from a pickle jar, and it was hairy,

I put the pickle back and went and picked a strawberry,

Produce that is hairy,

Is awful scary,

And, often hairy, scary makes for a watery poo, poo.

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BILLY GOT ITCHY

Bill penned out a song that was extraordinary, real nice,

He made the melody on his harmonica, device,

The record was a go,

And, Bill loved the cash flow,

But, he got served for divorce, because he brought home leg lice.

RICHIE HARD TIMES

He had a tic in his tock, 

And, a big rock in his sock,

He spent everyday, listening to Rosy Land Bach,

His debts started to swell,

He had nothing to sell,

Now, he spends every evening at the Boys Club & Dock.

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THE BUGS THAT ATE SAMMY FOR S'MORES

Sammy went to the beach and got covered with soars,

The bugs liked him so much, because he tasted like s'mores,

From New Years Eve till that date,

S'mores was all Sammy ate,

And, the taste sweat out through all his pores.

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PERSONAL DENTAL CARE

I bought some fluoride toothpaste that came in a white, glass jar,

I did not have to squeeze it, so I thought it would go far,

It caught me off my guard,

When the whole jar turned hard,

I now brush with baking soda; my teeth are black as tar.

I DIES BECAUSE OF BEADY BUG EYES

100 billion, billion beady eyes, were staring up at me,

That was the ugliest bug I ever saw, sitting on my knee,

Then, he spit into my mouth,

After that, things went south,

For his spit was deadly poisonous; my ashes were dumped at sea.

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TETHERBALL WARRIOR

It was nearly, half past nine,

That is prime tetherball time,

I did battle, for first place,

Then, I got whacked in the face,

Now, through a straw I must dine.

MY JUICE WAS TAINTED, WHO KNEW?

My ruby red grapefruit juice, tasted a might, tad off,

I drank just one sip, and I started hacking, cough, cough,

I was whisked far away,

For a hospital stay,

Where, I was fed coffee, toast, and some slimy brown broth.

EFFICIENCY

There once was a toilet named Mabel,

She was setup at the kitchenette table,

Now, your nostrils might rue,

You could eat and go poo,

While watching your news shows on cable.

GOLDIE AND THE SEVEN BEARS

There were seven old bears shacked-up in the woods,

They loved each other, and thought their lives was goods,

Then one cold winter day,

Goldie stopped by to play,

Goldie showed the bears dance moves, he learned in the hoods.

THE GOOD NEIGHBOR (NOT)

I bought four used tires for my Chevy pickup truck,

My neighbor had a nail gun, so I was out of luck,

The neighbor punctured each tire,

Set my whole pickup on fire,

I sued him in court, but did not get a single buck.

MARS CLOCKED PLANET EARTH

Dry mars and blue earth, went total war,

It was pretty even; the war score,

The mars great weapon rocks,

It knocked out Earther clocks,

On earth, it stays a quarter past four.

ODE TO MY SNOW COVERED SHACK ON THE HILL

My snow covered shack up on the hill,
Came crashing down upon my still,
It buried my corn, my sugar, my mash,
It even buried two cans of corned beef hash,
All I saved were some pickles; I think they're dill.

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DELETING MY CHILDHOOD APPS

I had so many downloads from the app downloading store,

I had to delete my old favs, before downloading more,

I deleted my app for Pong,

Space Invaders, Tetris and Kong,

After deleting my old games, my soul felt very poor.

THE CARNIVAL BEAR

I went to the carnival and the carnies were there,

They were all really nice, except their pet bear, 

The bear had little charm,

He bit off my right arm,

But, I look good with a prosthesis, so I don't really care.

MY TRUMPETER'S LULLABY SAID, "NIGHT, NIGHT", LONG AGO

I stored away my trumpet, for the last thirteen odd years,

I got it out to play, but it just made noise to my ears,

My lips are all soft blubber,

And my tongue, solid rubber,

I did sound much better, after I drank one million beers.

MOZART'S TOOT AND SUPPER

I went to see the Magic Flute,

It's a nice, catchy Mozart toot,

When I left, I stoped to eat,

The food smelled like fungal feet,

Then, I barfed upon my suit.

TULIPS FOR ALGERNON.

I had a big tin purple elephant, I named Algernon,

I gave Alger early spring, pink tulips, that he fell upon,

He crushed all the pretty flowers,

Broke them off from their green towers,

I tossed big Al, got a plastic fish, I called him Mastodon.

MY FOUR WISHES

I decided to give myself four wishes,

The first was that I had sparkling, clean dishes,

Next, the toilet would clean flush,

Then, I'd have a new toothbrush,

Last, I wished my crumb cake would be delicious.

THE LAST BOY TO SELL BANANAS

The last boy to sell bananas, sold them on the main city street,

He made money selling bananas, because they are good to eat,

He stole them from daddy's small store,

Then, deliveries came no more,

Bananas had gone extinct, so the boy sold pickled piggy feet.

SID THE PRAYING MANTIS

There was a Praying Mantis named Sid,
He stayed most perfectly hid,
When a bug came along,
The bug had sung it's last song,
And, Sid could feed his mom, wife and kid.

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HUGH THE MERCEDES

There was a blue Mercedes named Hugh,
He was fast and reliable too,
He worked like a charm,
He kept his owner from harm,
The owner had an attitude that blew.

Hugh was a Mercedes car,
He was driven by a movie star,
When the star drove too fast,
Hugh knew his time had past,
Hugh’s parts were sold near and far.

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POLKA DOT POT

I make the bestest, yellow polka dot clay pots,

I think it's because my brain is full of blood clots,

The whole pot is grassy green,

So, the yellow is well seen,

When done, I cook them in a kiln, it has the hots.

SCOTT, IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT COUNTS

Scott had ugly bugs coming out his nose,

He had even more nasties,  when he blows,

Scott was meany mean,

Even more, unclean,

Scott had odd things, growing between his toes.

BANANAS AND EGGS: ONE DOLLAR

I ate fried bananas and frog eggs, it cost me a pretty coin,

I had it forever; I stole it from a jukebox in Des Moines,

The coin was a silver dollar,

I hung it around my collar,

I spent my last dollar, to eat eggs from a froggys groin.

THE YOUNG AND RICH IN OLD GIRL CLOTHES

Before the birds are outside with their squeaking,

I'm on the road for some special antiquing,

I hit all the yard sales,

Buy old cloth by the bales,

To make old dresses, like the posh are seeking.

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PINK PEE TEA IN THE SEA

There once was a little pink ghost, who liked to drink cold iced tea,

Every time he drank it, it ran through him faster than pee,

I refused to serve him drink,

He got mad, turned red, from pink,

I told him I was sick of mopping floors; he sailed off to sea.

THE APPLESAUCE FROG BAIT

I opened a can of applesauce, and found a little frog,

The frog was cooked and mummified, sitting in a saucy bog,

I did not at all hesitate,

Picked out the frog to use for bait,

He caught me a fine sunfish, hiding beneath a hemlock log.

I MINDED MY BUSINESS, AND GOT FREE MEAT🙈🙉🙊🍖

I saw a wolverine, dragging by the feet, my neighbor down the street,

My neighbor screamed really loud, but the wolverine was going to eat,

I knew I should stay inside,

Went under the bed to hide,

Next day, the wolverine thanked me for silence, and bribed me with some meat.

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THE CORN EATING DRAGON

A dragon ate every ear of corn in each field,

That greatly reduced the gross domestic cornfield yield,

We sent him a kind letter,

Asked that he behave better,

It was to his better dragon angels, we appealed.

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A SWAMP LIZARD NAMED IKE

There was a swamp lizard named Ike,
He hated all those on a bike,
They’d run over his tail,
That made poor Ike Wail,
Now on Thursday he visits his psych.

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SOMETHING ABOUT HENRY

Henry has morning fruitcake and coffee, then he does a prance dance,

Hoping his neighbor next door, will be stimulated for romance,

The neighbor does not at all care,

Something about Henry, does not square,

Perhaps if Henry took dance lessons, a romance might have a chance.

The Three Siblings Went To Camp

The three siblings went off to big tented church camp,

The only adult they liked, was a loitering tramp,

The Tramp lived by the lake,

And, fresh fish he would take,

He slept on beach grass, because the beach sand was too damp.

MARNIE THE MOUSE AND HER PEAS

Marnie the mouse liked to shuck peas,
She cooked them up to eat with her cheese,
But, along came the farmer,
He wanted to harm her,
She got away running right through his knees.


Peas were Marnie's favorite treat,
Peas were fun to shuck and great to eat,
She stole from a farmer who had big feet,
He reached for her, and she ran under his seat.

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GUTS OF GOLD

I caught and gutted a big catfish, and found something there,

It was a nine dollar gold piece, and it was very rare,

I was on the noon news,

Frank's Bar gave me free booze,

I sold the coin at auction, and became a millionaire.

MY PETS ARE NOT ACTIVE AND MY TEETER IS BROKE

My teeter-totter has a broken teeter,

My canary bird has a real horse tweeter,

My doggy won't dog,

He's asleep like a log,

While my kitty warms his paws on the heater.

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PRETEND FRIENDS ARE BEST

I went onto the Facebook platform, and made me a friend

Never had one growing up, except the ones I'd pretend,

My friend quickly asked for a loan, 

To buy an upgrade for his phone,

Asking for money, caused that friendship to abruptly end.

CATCH AND EAT, EVENTUALLY

Pete proudly canned his fresh salmon, and put all of the cans, away,

So, he could eat salmon, when the ice and snow covered the old quay,

Old Pete once had a boat,

It will no longer float,

Pete left the boat in last winter; it's at the bottom of the bay.

PAUL THE ODD WASHER

Paul the odd washer, washed my dirty dishes for free,

He delighted doing dishes, and did them with glee,

I asked him, "what's wrong?",

He replied with a song,

" I'm Paul the dish washer, an odd dishwasher, I be."

"STICKY FINGERS" RODNEY RAN THE TILL

The gross profit results looked extremely odd,

So, I took it to my accountant, named Todd,

He said someone's been stealing,

From the till, they've been peeling,

I knew it was my daughter's boyfriend, named Rod. 

PRETTY ANGEL IN THE SCARECROW

I dreamt I was a pretty angel, standing in a field of corn,

When I awoke, I was a scarecrow, and with rags I was adorn,

I saw corn bent over, none were straight,

A coming storm, foretold my fate,

A spinning cloud roared through the cornfield, making this scarecrow, unborn.  

GERTY, THE DIRTY LITTLE DOG

My Gerty, the dirty little dog,

Jumped on my Android, and tried to vlog,

She's still my best buddy,

But, her paws were muddy,

My Android screen is covered with fog.

SQUIRRELS ARE LAME GAMERS

I saw two squirrels playing a very silly game,

Rock, Scissors, Paper, a game that is so, so lame,

Should play Five Card Stud,

That game ain't a dud,

And, if you win all the money, life won't be the same.

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GERTY GETS DIRTY AND DIGS HER HOLES

My dog Gerty likes to dig a big hole,

Hunting for the vicious, underground mole,

She plays at catch and release,

Leaves the dirt diggers in peace,

Gerty gets dirty, but has a good soul.

GERTY GOT DIRTY, ONE SUMMER DAY

I went white water rafting, one sunny day,

The river was yucky with swirling red clay,

My little dog, named Gerty,

Got her face all dirty,

I washed her face off, once we got to the bay.

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HUNGER: TEXTURE AND SMELL

I went to an upscale restaurant that served only soup,

My soup had the smell and texture of a big bowl of poop,

I really did not care,

I had hunger to spare,

I rushed to work a giant soup spoon to slurp, scoop, slurp, scoop...

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FOOD FROM THE WEB

I'm eating spiders and their eggs,

They have no flavor and meatless legs,

But, they taste better than flies,

With their big bulging eyes,

Or, worms with bodies divided in segs.

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DRIFTY THE ROBIN

There was a robin named Drifty,
His eyes were real big and shifty,
When Herman the worm,
Decided to Squirm,
Drifty thought his next meal looked nifty.

Drifty liked to head up north,
To spend his summers after the Fourth,
But when the winter winds blew and blew,
Drifty headed south with his girlfriend Sue.

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CHEMICALS GOT THE BUGS OUT OF MY TEA

Timmy found some bedbugs, drifting in his cup of tea,

One started swimming, and Timmy threw his tea at me,

In the furniture, clothing and rugs,

My home was full of them bitting bugs,

I hired an exterminator, now I'm bedbug free.

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LIVING TIN BOAT LIGHTNING STORM HORROR

All wide eyed, I just had to sit and wonder, 

Just as the skies lit up, and then came thunder,

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom

The echoes of doom,

Sitting in a tin boat, was that a blunder?

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THE HIGH COST OF PRETTY FLOWERS

Leprechauns and unicorns and trolls; they all have to eat,

When they spy me working in my yard, they think of me as meat,

I must clean my springtime flowers,

To cause growth by springtime showers,

I just can't stay inside; so fairy critters will have a treat.

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MY PET PIG DIDN'T PAY HIS CHILD SUPPORT, AGAIN

My pig's child support payments had failed,
So, he was arrested and sentenced and jailed,
And, it didn't please the court,
When my pig went "snort, snort,"
For those comments he was really nailed.

51822

MY FLOWERS DIED, THANKS SIS!

My new potable flowers came in the mail,

I planted them deep, on my walk, in a pail,

They were lots of pretty,

Prettied my trashy city,

Then sister peed on them, to empty out ale.

TOBACCO INSPIRED

Harry liked to target the lunchroom spittoon,

He chewed tobacco when he took lunch at noon,

He hit the toon hole every time,

He inspired this amazing rhyme,

Add music, and we'd have a new tune to croon.  .