ALL I WANT

I had a hot toasted pastry for my meal,

It burnt my lips and made them peel,

I saw Santa today,

My burnt lips could not say,

All I want is a glockenspiel.

FOUND THE NEXT DAY

Scabies covered nearly all of my skin,

They're itchiness gave me a grimacing grin,

The next day I was found,

I bled out on the ground,

The police said to my next of kin.

THE KIDS FINALLY LEFT HOME

I am afraid my trailer ain't rolling nowhere,

It got ripped right in half by a huge grizzly bear,

The bear ate the kids, 

Methinks that's good-rids,

They were both in their forties, had no job and didn't care.

FIRE SALE

My prop taxes are due once again,

They've gone up on my shack made of tin,

During the last four big fires,

My trailer lost all four tires,

I just can't move away, I can't win.

MY DILLY DOG

My poor little dilly dog went swimming way too fast,

He was swimming up a river, so of course he did not last,

Down the river dilly dog flowed,

On white bubbles his body rode,

He spent three months recovering, in a dilly doggy cast.

THE FOREST MONKEY FOX

There was a giant monkey fox sitting in the woods,

He was chewing on the bones of some Red Ridding Hoods,

And, boy those bones were good,

Best parts of any Red Ridding Hood,

But, Red Ridding eyeballs taste great in milk chocolate puds.

THE GANGSTER AND THE BLUE SEA HORSEY

I got tied up with rope and thrown into the sea,

And, a 50 lb anchor was tied onto me,

While  to the bottom I went,

I reflected on life spent,

Finished swimming with a blue sea horsey.  

COOLING BANJOS

They played so fast their brand new banjos caught on fire,

The fire was so very hot it melted every wire,

Now the banjos must cool down,

So in the lake, they got a drown,

Moral: Banjos just get too hot, playing songs of love and desire.

THE SQUATTING THIEF

I heard giggles and I knew it weren't me,

It was the top cupboard; I climbed up there to see,

To my despair,

There was an elf living there,

Eating my chips and slurping my tea.

THE DOG POX DARE

When I lie I get an ache in my tooth,

But I can't stand to tell ma the truth,

It wasn't a foul fox,

That gave my brother the pox,

It was when he kissed my dog Hermes, on a dare.💋🐶

I SMELL WHAT I EAT

My name is Magnolia and I smell like a beast,

I always smell foul after a Christmas ham feast,

I like cheese, peppers and kraut,

Stuffed in piggys big snout,

What I like best, most folks like the least.

FUZZY, WAS HE, HE'S GONE

There was a fuzzy guy named Randy, 

He left fuzz all over the Candy,

Then Candy got mad,

And made Randy sad,

 With a new beau who showered named, Andy.

MOUTHING OFF TO GARGOYLES

Jim's trip to a castle he had to spoil,
By mouthing off to a big gargoyle,
Who had fists of stone,
That broke Jim's face bone,
And, caused Jim's britches to soil.

THE FAILED FORTE

Larry played a sonata on his big pianoforte,

Some thought it real funny, when Larry picked at his nose warty,

The loud laughter, it prevailed,

Larry's performance, well it failed,

Larry couldn't keep playing, so his performance he aborty.

THE ALIENS AND THE FRENCH FRY

I saw four circles hovering way, way up in the sky,

I knew they were aliens when they let their heat beams fly,

Bad for me I'm a real looser,

And, therefor not much of a chooser,

I chose to stand there until I became a french fry.  

CARS AND THE GLOW SNAKE

There was a slithering orange snake in the snow,

He slithered out onto the highway to glow,

When they saw the snow snake,

Each  car hit the brake,

Then sliding off the highway they'd go.

THE GREAT BRATWURST FIRE

I ran out the door because I was not brave,

When my bratwurst caught fire in my microwave,

I blamed it on a mouse,

Chewing wires in the house,

But, the evidence and the house couldn't be saved. 

BEN RAN-Limericks

Ben ran over a sharp wire,
It punctured right through his tire,
In just a little bit,
The wire the lightning hit,
That caused a massive car fire.

Ben hit a tree with his van,
It buckled up like a can,
Ben said he didn't care,
Then along came a bear,
Then on down the highway Ben ran.

BARN CATS NOT WELCOMED AT THE HOUSE

My barn has several stray cats,

They feed on mice and dead bats,

I let them cats be,

Feed them no biscuits and tea,

Or, they'll want to stay where I hang my hats.

WHEN THE LAVA CAME FOR ME

I have a volcanic eruption in my yard, 

It's burns my tomato plants, and fries my Swiss chard,

Oh, oh, no, woe is me,

I'm drinking lava tea,

My gut will surely ache, when the lava cools hard.

THE FLYING SAUCER LANDED IN MY YARD SAGA POEM

A flying saucer landed in my yard,
It really caught me way off guard,
Especially when out popped two green men,
Both were tall and very thin,

Perhaps it was a grievous sin,
I didn’t fight because I could not win,
So, I decided to invite them in,
For a glass of beer and a late din din,

They ate some chicken and drank my beer,
All the while I shook in fear,
What I feared most was an alien probe,
I just wished they’d leave my simple adobe,

The aliens chewed and spit out my best cheese,
After that they seemed at ease,
I hoped my dinner did appease,
But, just in case I got down on my knees,

Finally, one of the aliens spoke,
He said my planet was just a big joke,
He said that my food and spirits were o.k.
So, my planet was spared for another day,

They said that every alien race,
Would likely visit my very quaint place,
The food was edible and the beer was good,
The bathrooms were cleaned like a hotel should,

The aliens stole my towels and stole my soap,
Even the soap that hung on a rope,
They jumped in their saucer and sped fast away,
But, more came for dinner the very next day.

WHEN IS A WINNER NOT A WINNER?

Jenny won an automatic toaster,

Jim won a new oven-roaster,

Jeffy won a coat,

Jamie won a boat,

All I won was a stained paper coaster. 

THE THING THAT MAKES ME SAD

Watching the sun made my my vision real bad,
Loud music made me deaf and mom mad,
Poor posture my neck ache,
Poor diet made my leg break,
But, it's world news that makes me feel sad.

HENRY AND THE NEW MOON

Henry was a baboon,
He just loved most of all the new moon,
His girlfriend Nancy,
For Hank had a fancy,
They would sit in their tree and just spoon.

I GOT A POINSETTIA FOR EASTER THIS YEAR

I got a poinsettia for Easter this year,

It was made out of plastic and smelled like reindeer,

I stuck it in clay,

And, then walked away,

When I see it my eye builds a tear.

JINGLE BELL BERT AND THE RED RIDING HOODS

There was a bear waiting in the darkening woods,

He was waiting to steal my dried and caned up goods,

So I got my jingle bell named Bert,

I rang Bert until the bear's ears hurt,

The frightened bear then coughed up, six red riding hoods.

NOT A NICE BOSS

I am feeling extremely irked,

For one of my limericks I wrote was jerked,

I went to my boss,

He said he gave it a toss,

Because he was the boss and that's how it worked.

A BAN ON LIMERICKS

A satirical limerick was let loose,
That helped to cook a Congressman’s goose,
It made him look bad,
So, he got really mad,
And, banned limericks for satirical use.

LESTER THE GOOSE

Lester the goose was extremely proud,
He had no talent except, he was loud,
The problem is,
That when doing show biz,
Lester was not smart nor, was he well endowed.

WET SNOWMAN LIMERICK

My snowman was the best yet,

But then it rained and he got wet,

Then he turned to ice,

Which is kind of nice,

Now he never itches since he froze his head lice.

ODE TO JENNIFER THE WAITRESS LIMERICK

At days end Jennifer liked to shower,
She enjoyed the freedom to self-scour,
She was a waitress all day,
She worked hard for low pay,
The hot water let Jennifer feel power.

MY BLACK FRIDAY BULK BUYING DEAL

I bought 10 cases of tuna on a Black Friday deal,

That's 120 meals, eating one can for each meal,

So, this winter I'll feast,

Eating cans of sea beast,

While others make due eating veal.

It's Christmas, And There Ain't No Pleasing My Kid

I went out and found a Christmas tree,

It stood straight and tall, at 6'3"

I sawed it down,

Hauled it back to town,

My kid, she insisted I set it free.

THE REMAINS OF THE DAY (THANKSGIVING)

I had to remove all the remains,

My family ate turkey, the meat and the veins

But, when it came to eating bones,

The bones might as well been hard stones,

They chose pie a la mode and weight gains.

MARK WENT LOOKING FOR TURKEY

Mark was asked to find turkey for Thanksgiving,
So, at the mill he quit his job of riving,
He hoped on a plane,
For a turkey to gain,
In Istanbul you will find Mark still living.

CHEF BOBBY MAKES THE BEST SALAD

Bobby was the greatest chef,

He was the greatest chef around,

He made his meals all from scratch,

Then fed them to his hound,

On Thanksgiving Bobby had some dinner guests,

 To show off some cooking feats,

For an appetizer he made a of kind of stew,

With pickled marinated beets,

 

Bobby cooked a turkey,

Until it's skin was golden brown,

Bobby basted the turkey with peanut oil,

It was the best turkey in the town,

Bobby made some turkey stuffing,

He added cheddar cheese,

He also added ground black pepper,

This made his guest all sneeze,

Bobby made some salad,

He added carob seed,

Hemixed in all the greens he found,

But mostly it was weed.

BERNIE AND BENNY AND THE GREAT CYBER WAR

Bernie and Benny were enemies since they were four,
At everything they'd compete for the very top score,
Their tech companies competed viciously online,
Destroying each other with each techno-landmine,

The boys deployed a million geeks in every attack,
To destroy each other's systems in one massive whack,
Then, the world Internets fried and could be resurrected no more,
Ending with technogedden, the Great Cyber War. 

ICICLES: MY DOGGIE AND THE BEAR

My icicles fell off the roof, 

They melted, so I don't have the proof,

They fell on a big bear,

He gave my doggie a scare,

My doggie gave the bear a "woof, woof".

THE BIRD FEEDER LIMERICK

Little birds have a terrible food need,
So, I kept my bird feeder just full of seed,
But, the squirrels out there,
Robbed my feeder just bare,
Those squirrels are just full of greed.

 

DEAR CAMP THREE (I'M LIP SMACKING GOOD)

I went to deer camp, and a cougar was there,

She ripped out my throat, and there was blood in the air,

I could not utter a word,

And, the last thing I heard,

Were kitty cougar smacking lips at the lair.

MY GOLDEN THANKSGIVING TURKEY

I bought a golden turkey for my Thanksgiving holiday,
He was really cheap and cost me so very little pay,
But, it was really hard to eat,
His gold leaf covered meat,
And, my ulcers should be healed up by next May.

DEER CAMP 2022

At deer camp, we got 16 deer, 4 goats and ten trolls,

And Ron got two garden gnomes, methinks that he stoles,

And Frederick The Peasant,

Thought he got a pheasant

But it was a skunk; not one of our goals.

LENNY THE CHRISTMAS GOOSE

Lenny was a Christmas goose,
He was hunted while on the loose,
He did not get shot,
And, end up in a pot,
Because he died his feathers chartreuse.

Guppies Too Many

There were too many guppies in the tank,

They all soon died, and it stank,

With a flush and a flow,

To the septic they go,

I'll buy more, once I go to the bank.

THE GOOD AND BAD WITCHES

Two little witches met way out in the wood

One was really bad, the other really good,

Their friendship was tight,

But the good witch did not bite,

The bad witch that bit, lived in a hungry hood.

SHOULD I

Should I give the dog a bone?

Should I play the baritone?

Should I eat an ice cream cone?

Should I talk with softer tone?

Should I pay my student loan?

Should I buy a new cell phone?

Should I rent or should I own?

Should foul language I condone?

Should I park in a no parking zone?

Should I fly an aerial drone?

Should my golfing skills I hone?

Why do the answers remain unknown?

I RAN OVER MY FOOT WITH A MOWER LIMERICK

I ran over my foot with a mower,
Now, I’m walking a little bit slower,
My foot is really soar,
When it comes down on the floor,
I’m giving up land to be a tin boat rower.

I DON'T PUT THE QUARTERS IN MY LEAKY POT

I took a pottery class and made me a pot,
But, it didn't hold liquids because it leaked a lot,
So, I stored in it my change,
The denominational range,
Except quarters, I spend all that I got.

SALLY PLAYED THE RECORDER LIMERICK

Sally could play the recorder,
She broke hers and put one on order,
It was sent one day,
But, to Sally’s dismay,
The recorder was sent north of the border.

MYRNA PLAYED THE PIPE ORGAN LIMERICK

Myrna played the pipe organ,
She did not play it very well,
That’s why all around her home,
The neighbors all wanted to sell,

 Myrna chased all the dogs away,
And, the little kitty cats too,
Her horrible noise was just so bad,
 Away all the birdies flew,

Myrna‘s husband at last had enough,
 He stuffed full the pipes with gum,
So, Myrna took up a new instrument,
And, started beating on her drum.

FOUR FROGS PLAYED LAWN JARTS

Four Frogs Played Lawn Jarts,
Oh my, oh me,
One got stuck by a lawn jart and then there were three,

Three frogs played lawn jarts,
Down by the lake,
One wandered off and was ate by a snake,

Two frogs played lawn jarts,
But really one was a toad,
And that was the one that was squashed on the road,

One frog played lawn jarts,
He won every game,
But, playing lawn jarts alone is incredibly lame.

Warning:  Lawn Jarts is a dangerous game and should not be played by frogs.

 

GREAT BULLFROGS THE SIZE OF DEER

In a hidden pond they did appear,
Great big bullfrogs the size of deer,
One ate a bear, 
That made me scare,
Now, in the tavern I'll drink my beer.

HIGHWAY TEXTING AND BRIDGES AND TOADS

Trish would text while driving down the highway,
It seems that she had much she needed to say,
But, while texting friend Midge,
She drove off of a bridge,
Her mobile service was cancelled that day.

Trish liked to text as she drove down the road,
She once swerved her car when glancing a toad,
The toad is O.K.
But, Trish had to pay,
Since, she crashed into an old man's abode.  

I JARTED THE ZOMBIES

The zombies were coming and I was alone in my shack,

I had nothing to fight off a great zombie attack,

I looked under my bug filled cot,

I found the lawn jarts I'd forgot,

I killed the zombies then made my evac.

THE VOLE POACHER

I took off to Canada across Lake Superior ice,

I came to open water and had to rethink my plan thrice,

I'm hunted by a G-man because I hunted voles to eat,

I barely got the voles half fried when, through the front door comes the heat,

I ran out the back door with dogs chasing after me,

Unfortunately, they were my dogs barking my locality,

I could just see frozen Lake Superior when I felt hot lead graze my thigh,

My bag of chaw was shot down and I ask Dear Lord, why oh, why? 

So, I came to open water and it looked like a cold, cold swim, 

And, even if I made it I'd have no chaw at the Canadian rim,

I've spent many years in prison pondering the error of eating voles for din,

I wish I had made it to Canada where eating voles isn't considered a sin. 

UNICORN HORN

I've been eating dear meat since I was Born,🍔

Today I got hankering for the Unicorn,🦄

I went unicorn hunting,🏹

Found a big one was grunting,👀

He horned me through the heart, now I'm torn.💔😵

FALL SNOW

As fall begins to go,

Along comes the snow,

First pretty, and then a foe,

Then in inches it starts to grow,

Snowblower man takes all my doe.

HENRY'S RUN

Henry ate tainted pork, then said he couldn't stay,

So he ran to the toilet which was two blocks away,

He ran into a nun,

That ended his run,

Henry now smelled of poor hygiene, so the nun made him pray.

PUS ON MY BAGEL, NO THANKS

My bagel had no cream cheese, so I put up a fuss,

The diner said they had no cream cheese, because it turned to pus,

I felt a shame,

Putting the diner to blame,

Then I went back driving, the town local passenger bus. 

IN MY TURKEY DINNER DREAM

In my turkey dinner dream,

There was never sour cream,

Like ships in the navy,

Taters floated in gravy,

I will resist your cream scheme.