LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt
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Wednesday, July 31, 2024
DONNY BED ROTTER
Big, bad Donny was bed rotting for days and days,
He only left bed to do potty or to graze,
Donny drank soda sip, sip, sip,
Then on the potty, he would rip,
Donny sucked down tater chips; one of his strange ways.
SOMEONE GOT IN A SCRAPE AT THE BAR
I went to the to The Two Bird Bar,
Somebody keyed my new sporty car,
When I came outside,
I cried and I cried,
The mean patrons went hardy, har, har.
Tuesday, July 30, 2024
A MEANINGLESS, WHIMSICAL PHILOSOPHY
The universe appears eternal, from dawn, to dawn, to dawn, to dawn,
But, when the universe disappears, its life will be a tiny yawn,
So head to mars,
Maybe, the stars,
Eat expensive seafood, like lobster, oysters, crabs, octopus and prawn.
Monday, July 29, 2024
MY KITTY CAT IS BRAT?
I went way downtown, and got me a pretty kitty cat,
Kitty cats are very popular, some would say they're brat,
At the kitty store,
I bought my cat, Thor,
Thor was so happy, because I bought him a kitty hat.
Sunday, July 28, 2024
MAKING STEW ON A BUDGET
I just got home, and I put on water for stew,
I put on some coffee, and I'm making that new,
I do not have any meat,
Or vegetables to eat,
My stew will have road salt, and some black pepper too
.
UPPER BUNK, LOWER BUNK: A SUMMER CAMP STORY
At summer camp, little Timmy, completely wet his bed,
Urine dripped down upon his lower bunk mate, big bad Ned,
Ned got an unwanted surprise,
As pee drained into his shut eyes,
Embarrassed Timmy called his mom, then homeward he did head.
Saturday, July 27, 2024
AS THE CARS GO BY
I got peppered sprayed, directly in my pretty eye,
I was taken to the jail, and no one told me why,
Not so much to eat,
Mouse turds are a treat,
By day I clear brush near highways, as the cars go by.
Friday, July 26, 2024
HUMAN BEANS
They said I should act more like a human bean,
I thought that comment was very crass and mean,
At any party,
Beans make one farty,
Then future party invites, are never seen.
MOSQUITOS BE WARNED
Because my house had loads of mice and rats,
I decided to get myself some cats,
They ate the mice today,
Frightened the rats away,
To deal with mosquitos, I'm getting bats.
A POINTLESS DAY RIVER FISHING
Donny went river fishing in his fibreglass canoe,
It had a couple of small leaks, because it was not new,
Donny didn't get bites that day,
He paddled down to the bay,
He did find a shinny stone, with a sparkle that was blue.
THE NO HOME CODE
As I turned my old pickup down my home-sweet-home road,
Noticed a contractor was tearing down my abode,
I phone called a cop,
Said please make them stop,
He said no, because I violated building code.
Thursday, July 25, 2024
FISH, SPLAT AND STICHES
There was a small, skinny carp that lived in my front yard ditch,
He swam around in the muck all day, and I named him Mitch,
I saw kids with a ball bat,
They pitched poor Mitch, Mitch went splat,
I tried to revive my Mitch, but he never gave one twitch.
Wednesday, July 24, 2024
LIVING IN MICHIGAN IS A BUGGER
I live in Michigan, we have zillions of bugs
They eat into your eyeballs, you share them, with hugs,
Bugs poop on your pans and dishes,
They attack your cute goldfishes,
You'!l even drink a few, in your rootbeer chug-a-lugs.
Tuesday, July 23, 2024
THE SKINLESS IMPORTER OF TIN
I think my million dollar ship has come in,
It is full of foreign, imported, sheet tin,
I use to import lab mice,
But they gave me bad lice,
I itched so bad, soon I scratched off all my skin.
HEATWAVE CATASTROPHE
During summer heat, my air conditioner died,
It ran so very long, it caught fire and fried,
I thought it would be nice,
If I made frozen ice,
Then my freezer broke right down, and I cried and cried.
Monday, July 22, 2024
WHY I HIT MYSELF SO HARD, MY BRAIN AIN'T RIGHT.
In the latest, late of dark night,
From an earwig, I got a bite,
The evil dear,
Was in my ear,
I slapped my ear, with all my might.
Sunday, July 21, 2024
ATTACK OF THE GARDEN PESTS
My lettuce was all covered with nasty, slimy slugs,
My tomatoes were hollowed by chewing beetle bogs,
My pickles in the weeds,
The birds picked clean of seeds,
And the mice that nibbled my string beans, are common thugs.
Saturday, July 20, 2024
THE MAGIC SUPRISE RAT
Today, I had been feeling sort of low,
So I went to a downtown, magic show,
Out of a top hat,
Was pulled a big rat,
The rat shouted out that his name was Moe.
I'M THE BATTER OF THE BALL SATELLITE
I hit a baseball with a ball bat,
The ball flew into space like a sat,
For a minute that night,
I watched my satellite,
It burned up in the sky, that was that.
Friday, July 19, 2024
SQUIRREL FOOD
I shot a squirrel that was up in a tree,
I will eat squirrel meat, when I have my tea,
You know what's what's,
I found his nuts,
I will chew on his nuts, when I watch tv.
Thursday, July 18, 2024
MY SOLAR LAMP AND THE GRIZZLY BEAR, LIMERICK
I dropped my solar lamp into the lake, while forest camping,
Now I fear the inner wires will need major revamping,
In the dark tent, my body, I lay,
Hoping for a quick, sun rising day,
Because I fear a grizzly bear, is outside my tent, stamping.
3 WISHES: COLA, BEEF AND A PORCELAIN VACATION
Jim wished that he could consume some beef
Beef and cola, for his hunger grief,
Holy Mola,
Beef and cola,
And constipation pills for relief.
BETTER TO HAVE BUG TURDS THAN SLIME
I found a grotesque, giant, slimy slug,
Crawling across my nice clean, new, white rug,
I think it a bad crime,
For a slug to spread slime,
Far nastier than a turd spreading bug.
Wednesday, July 17, 2024
THE HOT TUB CLUB
I like going to the health club; the hot tub is for me,
I have often wondered, if in the hot tub people pee,
I asked my friend, the chemistry teach,
She said no problems, the club adds bleach,
And the water is changed when the water looks like tea.
THE SURVIVOR
I am a sea captain, and I sailed on the sea,
My darn ship hit a rock, and sank down, beneath me,
That left me in the water,
I swam like a sea otter,
All passengers and crew drowned, I survived, lucky.
Tuesday, July 16, 2024
I AM A BLOGGER THAT NO ONE READS
I am a little blogger, but I think that my blogging is done,
I published over a million blogs, and no one has read a one.
I know my blogs might give readers scares,
I just blog about big, bad, mean bears,
I would blog about cougar cats, but they ate my dog, wife and son.
Monday, July 15, 2024
WHAT I DID WITHOUT GRANNY
I danced through a canyon, toward a little city,
That is where I stopped, where I decided to be,
I had a cafe made lunch,
Two fruit biscuits and a punch,
I then hurried on home, to get granny her tea.
THE HIGH NOTES OF AMADEUS
I cannot sing one single, real high note,
That Amadeus Mozart ever wrote,
My voice is just too horse,
High notes hurt, of course,
So, I play cello, on those notes I float.
Sunday, July 14, 2024
HOWLING, NO GOODS
I made paths through an acre of woods,
So I could stroll with friends from my hoods,
But, no one came near,
Because they said they could hear,
A howling, and that was not goods.
LEGS: ACCIDENT OR CRIME
This morning for breakfast, I was served toast, bacon and eggs,
I noticed in my eggs two sets of tiny chicken legs,
The sight made me so very ill,
I had to take a heartburn pill,
Was this leg scandal purposeful, is what the question begs?
Saturday, July 13, 2024
JIMMY THIRTY-FIVE TOES IS A FAMILY MAN
The famous Jimmy Thirty-five Toes, had a baby girl,
The kid had thirty seven toes, and her hair was all curl,
She had a mom with three legs,
A little brother that laid eggs,
She had such nice bright and shinny teeth, momma named her Pearl.
Friday, July 12, 2024
MY SAVIOR IN A BOTTLE
My little airplane took a nosedive,
I thought soon, I would not be alive,
Then right below me, did appear,
A truck full of new, bottled beer,
The splashing beer gave me a revive.
41224
Thursday, July 11, 2024
MY BEES FREEZE LIMERICK
I had some cute, pet honey bees,
They lived up in my apple trees,
No one really knows,
How my bees got froze,
They were found kneeling on their knees.
Wednesday, July 10, 2024
I MOTORBIKE: FRUIT AND SPLATTER
I bought a little motorbike, so I could journey into town,
The flying bugs splat me in the face, and that makes me have a frown,
In town, my face gets a quick wipe,
I buy fresh fruit that is just ripe,
I soon travel back to my home, the bug splatter won't keep me down.
Tuesday, July 9, 2024
ACCIDENTAL FOOD SUPPLY
Jimmy fell off the roof and broke all of his nice toes,
Jimmy cut each one of them off, now new ones he grows,
It is especially neat,
He grows new toes on his feet,
Jim now has winter meat, because the old toes he froze.
MY DOCTOR WHO SCREWDRIVER
On Doctor Who, it was very iconic,
So I bought a screwdriver that was sonic,
I broke it early today,
Making a pot from some clay,
Now I feel that I am somewhat moronic.
I CHOOSE THE STINKY VERSE
I live in a universe that has a verse that's parallel,
In one verse my clothes smell clean, in another they stinky smell,
My clothes in one verse, I wash and dry,
In the other, on the floor they lie,
I like best the stinky verse, so that is mostly where I dwell.
Monday, July 8, 2024
PET REINCARNATION: A BEAUTIFUL THING
My poor little pet mosquito, named Ron,
He got squished flat, and became living, non,
His new mosquito ghost,
Found another live host,
In the body of a cockroach, named Don.
Sunday, July 7, 2024
HERBIE DERBY DO.
Cute little lad, Herbie,
Wore a big derby,
Hung his stylish hat,
On his baseball bat,
When he was spooning with Mrs. Zerbie.
Saturday, July 6, 2024
SHARKS IN LAKE MICHIGAN
I went out on Lake Michigan and got bit by a shark,
I did not feel any pain, then it suddenly went dark,
I woke up in the sharks belly,
Being made into poop jelly,
Far off in the distance, I heard my pet doggy, bark, bark...
DONNY IS A MUMMY
Donny was brain dead so long that his brain had putrefied,
No one dared to tell Donny, that his mind had up and died,
Donny went on year after year,
Staring at sunshine, dear, oh dear,
The sun has now dried out his skin, and now he's mummified.
THEY USED THEIR TONGUE TO LICK MY CHERRIES
On this very nice day, I went out cherry picking,
I found all the cherries, bugs were buggy tongue licking,
That made me feel sick,
I went home really quick,
The image of bugs licking the fruit, is still sticking.
Friday, July 5, 2024
BILLY SLAMS AND JIMMY SPILLS
Jimmy let out a snore,
Billy slammed the backdoor,
Jimmy jumped up,
Spilled his big cup,
Leaving coffee all over the floor.
JAILED OVER NUGGETS
Beautiful Barry had a nice little scam,
When Barry cheated someone, he'd yell "Bam, Bam!"
Big fake nuggets of gold,
Was the scam stuff he sold,
Poor Barry got caught by a cop's body cam.
MY PIG ROAST WAS TOAST
I'm afraid I can afford only toast,😒
To feed guests at my birthday pig roast,🎂🍖
I know toast is not in fashion,👚👠🛍👔👗👖👛👜👟👞👘🕶👒🎩👢
But I'll still toast it with passion,😍
I'll serve it dry or with some butter, at most.🙁
72720
I LOST MY DEAD TODAY
My bird feeder went away,
When the tornado came today
Away went my little shack,
And my LPs, the whole stack,
No more can I rest my head,
While I listen to The Grateful Dead
Thursday, July 4, 2024
A SPARKLER RUINED MY 4TH
A sparkler got caught in my hair,
It burned until my head was all bare,
I went home, ate some soup,
Then sat out on my stoop,
I was upset, and I needed some air.
KITTY GOT A SCARE FROM THE ROCKETS RED GLARE
The rockets were red glaring,
And my kitty got a scarring,
The booms shook my shack,
It collapsed, I want it back,
I'd have to say the fireworks, were a little overbearing.
7422
Wednesday, July 3, 2024
I LOST MY TWEETY, BUT SAVED HIS BELL
Someone launched some flying, rocket fireworks, and holy...well,
They flew threw my open window, and made a real nasty smell,
Then came a fast, roaring fire,
The damage was vast, entire,
The only thing I saved, was my pet parakeets birdseed bell.
WHAT MY POT NEEDS
I can't go to the store, oh squat!
I need a pork roast for my pot,
Plague laws keep me here,
Where fresh meat is become dear,
And, I find canned meats tasty, Hell Not!
31520
I'LL BE ALIVE, OR I'LL SLEEP FEEDING WORMS
When things look most, terribly bad,
I don't just mope around, real sad,
When things are at their worst,
I always panic first,
When it's over, I'm dead or glad.
Tuesday, July 2, 2024
VERBAL ABUSE AND I LEAVE
My boots are all covered with wet mud,
Walked into the house; got called a crud,
I have no real common sense,
But I took a big offence,
I left for the beer bar for some sud.
Monday, July 1, 2024
THE ALIEN WORM BRAIN INVADERS LIMERICK
Alien worms have burrowed into Jim's brain,
They control him with both pleasure and pain,
And, sometimes out of Jim's snout,
Some worms will pop out,
To scout for a new mind to train.
ZODIE THE VENGEFUL
Zodie had a temper, she'd get mad and start crushing bugs,
Sister Cindy was so nice, she spent all day giving puppies hugs,
Sister Zodie shoved Cindy down,
Sister Cindy made smile, no frown,
Sister Zodie sought revenge, filling Vinegar in Cindy's water jugs.
31324
4TH OF JULY AT THE LAKE
At the lake, Roger was roasting a pig to eat,
So I went to the lake for sweet piggy meat,
There played a two trumpet band,
As rockets launched from land,
A lake 4th Of July can't be beat.
63023
Sunday, June 30, 2024
REECE'S RASPBERRIES
I ate all the raspberries, and I blamed it on my niece,
She is only two years old, and they'll leave her be, in peace,
I don't want to get the nagging,
From my brother, who was bragging,
He picked the berries; I said were ate by his daughter, Reece.
Saturday, June 29, 2024
DOWN THE ROAD WITH CONSTIPATED JIMMY
Jimmy spooned down some hot chili chicory soup,
He added some fibre, to help Jimmy go poop,
Jimmy was driving on the road,
When his backend, did explode,
And his Batman underwear, would never recoup.
LITTLE PETUNIA
Little Petunia grew by the sea,
Little Petunia popped flowers for me,
Then in the fall,
There were no flowers at all,
Little Petunia just ceased to be.
Friday, June 28, 2024
WHEN MY FLUTE BREAKS, I BUY A BETTER ONE
My glass Pan flute fell onto the floor,
It shattered, and would toot never more,
I stepped above my class,
Bought a flute, made from brass,
I now toot until my lips are soar.
MY FINAL ARRANGEMENTS MAY BE STRANGE
I arranged my funeral at the taxidermy place,
They promised that they'd stuff me, and put glass eyes in my face,
They're going to sell me online,
Personal checks, they will decline,
I'm hoping that they'll frill me up, and dress me in purple lace.
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