GUTS OF GOLD

I caught and gutted a big catfish, and found something there,

It was a nine dollar gold piece, and it was very rare,

I was on the noon news,

Frank's Bar gave me free booze,

I sold the coin at auction, and became a millionaire.

MY PETS ARE NOT ACTIVE AND MY TEETER IS BROKE

My teeter-totter has a broken teeter,

My canary bird has a real horse tweeter,

My doggy won't dog,

He's asleep like a log,

While my kitty warms his paws on the heater.

51622

PRETEND FRIENDS ARE BEST

I went onto the Facebook platform, and made me a friend

Never had one growing up, except the ones I'd pretend,

My friend quickly asked for a loan, 

To buy an upgrade for his phone,

Asking for money, caused that friendship to abruptly end.

CATCH AND EAT, EVENTUALLY

Pete proudly canned his fresh salmon, and put all of the cans, away,

So, he could eat salmon, when the ice and snow covered the old quay,

Old Pete once had a boat,

It will no longer float,

Pete left the boat in last winter; it's at the bottom of the bay.

PAUL THE ODD WASHER

Paul the odd washer, washed my dirty dishes for free,

He delighted doing dishes, and did them with glee,

I asked him, "what's wrong?",

He replied with a song,

" I'm Paul the dish washer, an odd dishwasher, I be."

"STICKY FINGERS" RODNEY RAN THE TILL

The gross profit results looked extremely odd,

So, I took it to my accountant, named Todd,

He said someone's been stealing,

From the till, they've been peeling,

I knew it was my daughter's boyfriend, named Rod. 

PRETTY ANGEL IN THE SCARECROW

I dreamt I was a pretty angel, standing in a field of corn,

When I awoke, I was a scarecrow, and with rags I was adorn,

I saw corn bent over, none were straight,

A coming storm, foretold my fate,

A spinning cloud roared through the cornfield, making this scarecrow, unborn.  

GERTY, THE DIRTY LITTLE DOG

My Gerty, the dirty little dog,

Jumped on my Android, and tried to vlog,

She's still my best buddy,

But, her paws were muddy,

My Android screen is covered with fog.

SQUIRRELS ARE LAME GAMERS

I saw two squirrels playing a very silly game,

Rock, Scissors, Paper, a game that is so, so lame,

Should play Five Card Stud,

That game ain't a dud,

And, if you win all the money, life won't be the same.

61823

GERTY GETS DIRTY AND DIGS HER HOLES

My dog Gerty likes to dig a big hole,

Hunting for the vicious, underground mole,

She plays at catch and release,

Leaves the dirt diggers in peace,

Gerty gets dirty, but has a good soul.

GERTY GOT DIRTY, ONE SUMMER DAY

I went white water rafting, one sunny day,

The river was yucky with swirling red clay,

My little dog, named Gerty,

Got her face all dirty,

I washed her face off, once we got to the bay.

42524

HUNGER: TEXTURE AND SMELL

I went to an upscale restaurant that served only soup,

My soup had the smell and texture of a big bowl of poop,

I really did not care,

I had hunger to spare,

I rushed to work a giant soup spoon to slurp, scoop, slurp, scoop...

42424

FOOD FROM THE WEB

I'm eating spiders and their eggs,

They have no flavor and meatless legs,

But, they taste better than flies,

With their big bulging eyes,

Or, worms with bodies divided in segs.

12221

DRIFTY THE ROBIN

There was a robin named Drifty,
His eyes were real big and shifty,
When Herman the worm,
Decided to Squirm,
Drifty thought his next meal looked nifty.

Drifty liked to head up north,
To spend his summers after the Fourth,
But when the winter winds blew and blew,
Drifty headed south with his girlfriend Sue.

61822

CHEMICALS GOT THE BUGS OUT OF MY TEA

Timmy found some bedbugs, drifting in his cup of tea,

One started swimming, and Timmy threw his tea at me,

In the furniture, clothing and rugs,

My home was full of them bitting bugs,

I hired an exterminator, now I'm bedbug free.

100623

LIVING TIN BOAT LIGHTNING STORM HORROR

All wide eyed, I just had to sit and wonder, 

Just as the skies lit up, and then came thunder,

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom

The echoes of doom,

Sitting in a tin boat, was that a blunder?

42424

THE HIGH COST OF PRETTY FLOWERS

Leprechauns and unicorns and trolls; they all have to eat,

When they spy me working in my yard, they think of me as meat,

I must clean my springtime flowers,

To cause growth by springtime showers,

I just can't stay inside; so fairy critters will have a treat.

31323

MY PET PIG DIDN'T PAY HIS CHILD SUPPORT, AGAIN

My pig's child support payments had failed,
So, he was arrested and sentenced and jailed,
And, it didn't please the court,
When my pig went "snort, snort,"
For those comments he was really nailed.

51822

MY FLOWERS DIED, THANKS SIS!

My new potable flowers came in the mail,

I planted them deep, on my walk, in a pail,

They were lots of pretty,

Prettied my trashy city,

Then sister peed on them, to empty out ale.

TOBACCO INSPIRED

Harry liked to target the lunchroom spittoon,

He chewed tobacco when he took lunch at noon,

He hit the toon hole every time,

He inspired this amazing rhyme,

Add music, and we'd have a new tune to croon.  .

GNOMES DO WHAT GNOMES DO

Gnomes are really little dudes,
They play around and have attitudes,
They trample my garden flat,
They torment my poor cat,
My other pets they see as tasty foods. 

12022

THE NOSE HAIR SOUP LIMERICK

After work at the restaurant where I recoup,

I found several nose hairs in my noodle soup,

The manager sought to entice,

He charged me only half price,

And, I tied the nose  hairs in a great big hair loop.

11816

BEING POSITIVE

I'm positive of an evening sup,

I'm positive next morn the sun comes up,

I'm positive every day,

I'll be loading trucks in a bay,

I'm positive to be a tired old pup.

82820

LYNN THE WALRUS TOOK SAUNA BATHS LIMERICK

There once was a walrus named Lynn,
She took hot sauna baths to get thin,
But, on an all you can eat dinner date,
She ate and she ate,
Then, she gained eighty pounds for her sin.

71811

REFRIGERATION FOR MY PRETTY FACE

I bought a refrigerator, but it needed much repair,

It had completely shorted out, because its wires were bare,

At a rewiring one stop shop,

Got rewired, bottom to top,

It was like a new refrigerator, to store my skin care.

IF YOU HURT MY TRUMPET, I WILL HURT YOUR TOOT EVEN MORE

Benny took my pretty trumpet, and dropped it on the floor,

Then, Benny took my trumpet, and nailed it to the  backdoor,

Benny gets so very mean, 

On every Halloween,

So, I sawed in half his Pan flute, and it will play no more.

HEATWAVE

It is so very, very hot,

Steamy, is the texture of snot,

And, goodness knows,

The heatwave grows,

Water's gone, and the food is rot.

42324

TRISH THE MERMAID

There was a pretty mermaid named Trish,
If you were nice she’d grant you one wish,
I asked to swim well,
Then, Trish cast her spell,
She turned me into a goldfish.

112021

I KNOCKED A PIZZA DOWN

I found a whole pizza, but it was up in the trees,

Don't know how it got there, but there was a steady breeze,

It took me quite a bit,

But, I found a long stick,

I caught the sausage pizza, and added cheddar cheese.

FRED THE RED HAS GONE TO THE BAY

I had to box and bury my bestest friend, Fred,

My favorite goldfish, only he was more red,

He's now swimming today,

In a heavenly bay,

With all my other goldfish that I have found dead.

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT AND I, SWAMP CAMP

We're home; my gentle tender foot and I,

To our Bayou, tent camp, we said goodbye,

We had an invader,

A ten foot alligator,

The alligator gave us each, the eye.

T. P. TAYLOR BOUGHT NEW SHOES

T. P. Taylor bought some screaming, pretty blue shoes, 

It was important stuff, was on the nightly news,

The shoes were from the mall,

They were way, way too small,

Taylor asked for a refund, but got a refuse.

A BUG IN MY DILLS

I bought a can of dill pickles from an online superstore,

I received my can of dill pickles, in it is something more,

It has six legs,

Legs straight like pegs,

The thing looks like the cockroach I see, crawling across my floor. 

TERMITES AND ME

Something bad happened to my wood deck,
This spring it all fell all to heck,
On the problem I set sights,
And, found ten billion termites,
Next, my wood house crashed down in a wreck. 

8122

I TRIED SECURING A DATE WITH THE TASTIEST SCONES

I tried securing a date with the tastiest scones,
I recited poetry in soft monotones,
But, my lady chose another,
In fact, he was my brother,
Because of his strong pheromones.

42716

I'LL DRIVE YOU TO TOWN ON ICEY ROADS

More ice on the road means I have a greater chance to error,

And, send all of my passengers into a state of great terror,

For when I hit the ice, 

We will spin round once or twice,

Then, clean undies in my car become rarer.

121620

MY PET GATOR

My pet gator is covered with dots,
Yet, I gave him all of his shots,
But, he likes to eat weasels,
And, from them he caught measles,
Now, his poor belly is tied up in knots.

121521

CLOSING TIME

I'm afraid the universe is on it's last call,

Soon the universe will be nothing at all,

It's not yet, even May,

But, what should I say,

I'm ordering my drinks to be extra tall.

BRAIN CHIPS AND PRODUCTIVITY

I was admonished for working too slow,

The boss wanted me to go, go, go, go,

It caused me agonizing pain,

When he planted chips in my brain,

To make the boss more doe, doe, doe, doe.

2724

RICHIE THE RATTELSNAKE

Richie was a real vicious rattlesnake,
He lived in Michigan near Skegemog Lake,
When Cindy had too much ale,
She stepped on Richie's tail,
Richie bit her and even went to her wake.

10314

TALE OF THE PRO-FISHERMAN

I bought me some crawlers, so I could catch trout,

There's big ones out there, in the streams all about,

See, I write a love story,

As I story my glory,

A love for my fish-craft, and my wins I tout.

SQUAIL

I recently, went hunting for the elusive squail,

It's about 1\3rd squirrel, and 2\3rds of a quail,

It has the flavor of nuts,

Yet, smells like chicken butts,

I cover up with hollandaise sauce, garnished with kale.

41924

LIFE IN A TENT

I could no longer afford paying home rent,

I built a new estate, some called it a tent,

On the most unhappiest day

My tent was tornadoed away,

Worse, where the tent went, my body was sent.

41824

SIR ED NEEDS A DONATION

In the annuals of time, there was a dark night, called Sir Ed,

He became really vengeful, when someone cut off his head,

He'd ride searching, on his horse,

For a donor head, of course,

But, if Ed did find one, he would make the donor quite dead.

TOWARD THE MOON AND BACK

I accepted a mission, to sail all the way to the moon,

I postulated I could get there, with a hot air balloon,

Like missions of the past,

My balloon did not last,

I quickly plunged to the earth, landing in a seaside sand dune.

41824

APPLES, WORMY OR SQUISHY

The apples on the tree were wormy and ripe,

The apples on the ground were squishy like tripe,

So, wormy apples it be,

That I picked from the tree,

Although, apples with fewer worms are my type.

JERRY THE BOUNCER

Jerry had some weird, but mostly mundane work nights,

Jerry was a bar bouncer, and he bounced all fights,

He threw out the punks,

Called cabs for the drunks,

At last, He locked the place down, and turned out the lights.

41824

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT AND I

My gentle Tender Foot and I,

Loved to go up, up, up, and fly,

We flew a round balloon,

That rose like a full moon,

One day we crashed hard, but didn't die.

THE TREAT

As I wandered in the cold streets,

Checking dumpsters for my best eats,

Found a kiddie slide,

Took a down slide ride,

Little adventures are life's treats.

41624

CATO'S POTATO AND THE BIG, FOUL BEAR

There was a spider monkey named Cato,

The only food he had was a potato,

Along came this foul bear, 

He demanded his share,

In exchange, he shared his tomato. 

41624

WE PERISHABLE THOUGHTS

When will the great soul end our world, that has an existence which is paper thin?

Perhaps the great soul will decide to write us off, when it takes up a pen again,

Will the world end today?

Or, another day away?

Every  moment we perishable thoughts exist, we should count that as a win.

71624

FRED GOES TO?

There was an old fella known by most as, Fred,

He was found face down in a stream, drowned and dead,

Fred hit his big head,

On a hard rock bed,

Fred's somewhere drinking moonshine, with cousin Ted.

THE ZOMBIE RECKONING

Now that we zombies have won the last of all wars,

We are eating the living to settle old scores,

The living killed zombies, like dad,

That made me incredibly sad,

But, crackers, brains and marshmallows, make yummy s'mores.  

WHAT I MADE IN POTTERY CLASS

I took a pottery class,

And, potted a 4 lb rock bass,

I glazed him dark green,

And, his glass eyes looked real mean,

If he sells I'll make more fish in mass.

6818

DEATH BY BAT SCABIES

My storm door broken window let in a fright,🏡

It flew into my bedroom and gave my nose quite a bite,👃

The flying rat gave me rabies,😱

And, terminal scabies,💀

I erred and didn't seal my whole house up tight.🏚🔨

82021

THE ICE CREAM MAKER REVOLT

My AI ice cream maker, was named Dave,

He made my ice cream, he was my AI slave,

One day he got bold,

Didn't do, as was told,

He took my home, now I live in a cave.

41524

THE MONTH OF APRIL

If you live where there is no snow,

April is when your plants will grow

The baby deer falls from the doe,

You won't need socks to warm your toe,

You shelve long books, like Ivanhoe.

41524

THE RHUBARB WINE LIMERICKS UNPLUGGED

There is nothing as potent as fresh rhubarb wine,
It’s not drank by the timid, connoisseur or, divine,
The bottle warnings you should heed,
It can make your eye balls bleed,
To save yourself when offered a glass just decline. 

Rhubarb wine made me grow hair down between my toes,
I grew hair in my ears and the nostrils of my nose,
The wine made my eyes all glassy,
This scared off my main lassie, 
Rhubarb wine is the cause of most all of my woes.

11923

JUNIOR QUANTOS WENT TO SCHOOL

Junior Quantos went to a public high school,

He aced physics classes, using his big brain tool,

Although, his body was puny,

At 16, he went to Uni,

He became rich; he has a mansion with a pool.

WHAT TIGERS DO ALL DAY

There once was a tiger named Bill,

He lived just up over the hill,

Everyday he'd eat mice,

Take a swim to drown lice,

The rest of the time, he'd just chill.