I ATE BARGIN KIPPERS

I found some fresh caught kippers on clearance sale,   

They had not been cleaned, and were in a tin pail,  

They were kinda smelly,

Some were a bit swelly,

I cooked them in sauce, and chased them down with ale.

DORKED AGAIN

My best pieces of ham he forked,

My most expensive wine he uncorked,

He ate the deviled eggs whole,

And, an entire cheese roll,

By my brother I was definitely dorke,

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MY BEAUTIFUL BLUE TEDDY BEAR

My beautiful blue teddy bear, he came to life,

He ran off with the next door neighbor's pretty wife,

It was really sad,

My Teddy did bad,

The neighbor ripped out Teddy's stuffing with a knife.

TOO LATE FOR TEA WITH TUT, OH MY

I had a little time-ship, but the door got stuck tight shut,

I could not get outside to meet the king we know as Tut,

I used my brand new space crowbar,

But when I got the door ajar,

King Tut had been all mummified, along with his dog, Mutt.  

KAZOO ON A G STRING

I turned on my tunes, but my tunes were not there,

A check went to subscriptions but, my check account was bare,

So quiet was my place,

I stuck a kazoo in my face,
I learned to play Strauss waltzes and Bach's G String, blowing air.

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THE FUNNEL CLOUD DISASTER POEM

Nature was roaring big and loud,

Then I spied the funnel cloud,

It swept away the stadium crowd

With human persons, it was well endowed,

I turned and ran; I was not proud.

I SOLD GRANDMA'S SILVER TO WATCH SOME SOX

I found grandma's silver dimes, that I had hid in an old shoe box,

She asked me to take them, so she'd have no means to wreck detox,

Grandma got off the malt beer,

Now in jail, my grandma, dear,

I think I will sell the dimes, to pay to stream my team, Red Sox.

I'M AN UNHAPPY PANSY MAN

I caught a rabbit in my trap,

He started to cry, and I'm a sap,

I let him go,

That so and so,

He ate my pansies, now I'm unhap

LAKE SHARKS

There are sharks in all Michigan lakes,

They attack tourists on vacation breaks,

A shark took off my leg,

So, I carves me a peg,

Now, I hunt them to.get me some steaks.

THE JANUARY WOLF MOON

When the Wolf Moon rises,

There be terror surprises,

The hooting owl,

The wolf howl,

Most dangerous, friendly disguises.

MUDDY BLOOD, BUT PROBLEM SOLVED

I went broke buying online subscriptions, and had to sell blood,

My blood was rejected, because it looked too much like mud,

I sold the kidney on my right,

Had to do it, money was tight,

Now, I've inherited a fortune from my Great Grand Uncle Bud.

MY PET DINOSAUR PART6 (TONES, SCONES AND BONES)

I had a big pet dinosaur, and he loved my homemade scones,

He would eat them by the thousands, and made loud lip smacking tones,

One day when he went outside to play,

I burned the scones, and threw them away,

My unhappy, hungry dino, then chewed on the neighbor's bones.

THE PRETTY LILAC SMELL

All the pretty lilacs bloomed a nice smell,

They prettied up my small garden, as well,

Cooked them into perfume,

To spray in my bathroom,

I had backed-up plumbing, now you can't tell.

I ITCHED WHERE THEY STICHED

I went to.the doctor's office to have them take out stiches,

It cost me every coin I got, I cleaned out my britches,

They covered my wound with a patch,

Said it was infected, don't scratch,

I said I had to scratch and scratch, because the dang thing itches.

MIRANDA AND HER SISTER SUE LIMIERICKS

Miranda stole Susan’s dime,
Miranda didn’t think that it was a crime,
But Susan got steamed,
Miranda got beamed,
Miranda healed up over time.

Miranda and her sister Sue,
Fought over a guy nicknamed Heavy Hue,
Now Miranda couldn’t cook,
That made Heavy Hue book,
Because Sue made great dumplings and stew.

Miranda always picked on her little sister Sue,
Miranda was so jealous that her face turned dark blue,
But, Sue was a good girl,
With a great smile and a hair curl,
Miranda smiled but her real personality shown through.

MARK THE BEAVER LIMERICK

There was a big beaver named Mark,
He built damns from morning til dark,
Some days he would wish,
He was just a fish,
Then, he’d just play and swim in the park.

PORK PIE, NO FINS

Because Bobby only ate food that came in tins,

Bobby was deficient in many vitamins,

He had hunger for pork pie,

He never knew exactly why,

He wouldn't eat any food from creatures that had fins.

THE CHEESE PUFFS AND THE MERMAID

Because I ordered them through the mail,

My cheese puffs arrived late and were stale,

I used them for fish bait,

And, caught me a soul mate,

A mermaid with a big fishy tail.

MR. TWO FISH TALKS LOSING WEIGHT

The three perch I caught would have made a real nice meal,

But the one good sized perch I caught, my cat did steal,

I gave my cupboard a good search,

Found no food to go with my perch,

Guess I'll lose some weight, now that dieting is my deal.

A SHILLELAGH PARTY FOR THE LIONS

Three little green leprechauns, stood outside my front door,

They each had a shillelagh, and were prepared for war,

I asked them in for tea,

We then watched the tv,

We all cheered as the Detroit Lions ran up the score.

BLOOD BITES

The rats they sleep all day, and prowl around all night,

Looking for a spot of food, or an open toe to bite,

Their teeth pierce the fleshy toe,

For them a meal, for you a woe,

Then they disappear again; blood stains mark their flight.

BYE, BYE BIRDIE, TIGER GO DOWN

A tiger was climbing way, way up high in a tall tree,

He was after a sparrow, but that bird flew off to sea,

When the giant tiger found,

He was too high off the ground,

He jumped from the high branches, hurt his right paw, but was free.

THE BALLAD OF SEDENTARY DAVE

Dave exercises just nine seconds each day,

Yet, his poundage is an expanding display,

Dave eats only wheat bread,

With much butter, he said,

On Tic Tok Dave works for his pay.

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A LAMENT FOR MY ROOSTER

I thought my pet rooster ran away,

I looked for him the entire day,

Yet all the while,

My old hound had a smile,

Next to his coop a pile of chicken feathers, lay.

010223
 

I INVESTED IN REAL ESTATE

I invested in real estate, stocks and, bonds,
While the wizards on Wall Street waved their wands,
I fell for their pitch,
They got really rich,
With Wall Street you're either poor or you're cons.

060622

BAD NOSE NEWS

It was so cold that Davey got sick,

Then he got sicker, awfully quick,

So he took a snooze,

Awoke to bad news,

His nose was plugged, and he had to pick.

BROTHER BOB ON TURKEY DAY

Bobby used his right index finger to clean between his toes,

Then when he was done, he'd polish the nostrils of his nose,

Bobby did this when we ate,

Of course, Bobby never brought a date,

He did save some memories, by wiping his finger on his clothes.

THE ICE SKATES OF DEATH

I got some new ice skates, and went out on the ice to skate,

I went out fifty feet, and fell through the ice on the lake,

Beneath the ice I couldn't swim,

Soon the lights were growing dim,

Then my clock alarm rang, and I was safe in bed, awake.

THE SHARK, THE REEF, THE MUMMY AND ME

A shark circled me, while watched by his mummy,

I thought the shark was another reef bummy,

He got right up in my face,

So I sprayed him with shark mace, 

I ended up in his mummy's  big, tummy..

NOON WOLF MOON, BUT THE STARS COME SOON

Getting closer to the big Wolf Moon,

It arrives during the hour of noon,

The moon's picture is dear,

With the stars in the rear,

All humming that Beethoven moon tune.

BLUE THE SNOW GARDEN AND SUE

I built a snow garden and painted it blue,

All the bushes and flowers and all the trees too,

Then, I built around it a town,

That had a fountain with a clown,

And, a courthouse so the unhappy could sue.

P01222018

SNOT KILLED AI

I was once an advanced AI bot,

Someone's nose blew, and I got all snot,

I became confused,

Then I was unused,

My intellect was just left to rot.

SNOW WOLF

The bad wolf was so white, he blended in with the snow,

He crept up behind me, everywhere that I'd go,

As I fell to my knees,

I felt the most cold breeze,

The wolf's ripping and tearing was forever, so slow.

THE LION AND THE EAGLE, AND LITTLE MEALY ME

I was a little chipmunk, and I got chased up a tree,

A big growling cougar cat was really hungry for me,

I climbed to the sky,

But, I could not fly,

An eagle whisked me to the beach, for his lunch by the sea.

I HAD A ROBOT BUTLER NAMED SAM LIMERICK

I once had a butler robot named Sam,
He made sandwiches of Swiss cheese and ham,
Yet, what was real fine,
He made great rhubarb wine,
But, he sampled it and blew up going, BAM!!!

P04212021

DENNY DYED HIS SHEETS

Denny was always buying real white sheets, brand new,

When hung on the clothesline, they had a yellow hue,

The one thing he held dear,

Was his 12 pints of beer,

Denny had problems, but what could poor Denny do?

BEAR TRAP

They may smile, and seem quick to please,

Those bears skulking out beyond the trees,

They want a nice warm meal,

Walking meat has appeal,

When it comes to them with willing ease.

NINETY-NINE MINNOWS LIVED IN THE WEEDS

Ninety-nine minnows lived in the thick weeds,
They liked the dense foliage for their safety needs,
But, a swordfish named Rege,
Cut down their safety-hedge,
Now, on the ninety-nine minnows Rege feeds. 

FLIES IN THE OINTMENTS

There were flies in dad's ointments, and bees on the wing,

Then there were hornets with a much nastier sting,

One stung poor little Ben,

And dad asleep in the den,

Even grandma was stung while crocheting something.

MOMMY IS A DINOSAUR

Little Derek, he was four,

Thought mommy was a dinosaur,

When asleep, she'd loudly snore,

Sounded like a mega roar,

That shook the hinges on Derek's door.

IF I WERE A WALRUS

If I were a walrus, I would take ice and build a shack,

Then I would eat invertebrates, while lying on my back,

I'd eat snails and wiggle worms, 

Any spineless thing that squirms,

Sometimes I'd eat a seal, when food got scarce on my ice pack.

ZOMBIE CAREER ADVICE FOR DUMMIES VOLUME I

If you want to be a Zombie, you see a dentist first,

Without two good rows of teeth, your Zombie career is burst,

Your teeth must bite, tear and rip,

Even though the blood might drip,

Remember to eat those moist, tender brains, they will quench your thirst.

TOO LITTLE

Too Little rode on a too little trike,

Until Too Little stole a too little motorbike

Too Little stole the mail,

But what sent Too Little off to jail,

Too Little was caught with two too little pike.

MY PET DINOSAUR V

I know it sounds incredibly weird,

My family and pets have disappeared,

Except my pet dinosaur,

Because she loves me more,

She comforts me when my eyes have both teared. 

PET DINOSAUR FOUR

I took my big pet dinosaur down to the zoo,

That was her most favorite place she ever went to,

There was much screaming, no words,

As she thinned out the herds,

The police said that was illegal, who knew?

ZIT PASTE LEAVES SKIN A PEELING

Donny used zit paste to get rid of his zits,

It peeled off his face into little bits,

Donny got nasty sores,

When he cleaned out his pours,

He was lucky he didn't get more pits.

ELECTRIC WIRES, STRUCTURE FAILURE AND VARMINTS

I got termites in my home tower,

Mice chewed through my lines of power,

No power to cook goose,

My floors and walls have come loose,

Starving, under rubble I cower.

P01082022

MY PET DINOSAUR 3

I brought a pet dinosaur home,

She loves to go bathing in foam,

The Kids gave her hugs and kissing,

Now all my six kids are missing,

Confused, now I scratch my big balding dome.

MY GREAT BIG DINOSAUR II

I put my new pet dinosaur, outdoors with my pigs,

I figured they could share their muddy, fecal digs,

Found out dinos love their ham,

Mine ate every pig, but Sam,

Sam smelled really bad, because he ate only pickled figs.

MY GREAT BIG DINOSAUR

I bought a great big dinosaur and put him in my pond,

He ate all my goldfish; I had hoped the species would bond,

Then he peed in my pond water,

That quickly killed my water otter,

Dinos don't make good pets, I told the pet store I felt conned.

BROTHER BRAT

My trumpet notes are really flat,

Since my brother beat it with a bat,

He beat my oboe on the floor,

And slammed my trombone in ma's truck door,

My big brother is a bully brat.

P08302023

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? IV

Entities in Ed's brain ate every single brain cell,
Ed then went to Congress so, for Ed things ended quite well,
So, the entity sisters and the brothers,
Looked to infect human others,
And, to this day that's where the entities dwell.

SWIMMERS ITCH LIMERICK

Pauline and Paula got swimmers itch,
Because they went swimming in a ditch,
They ignored the no swimming sign,
So now they both pine,
For a swimming hole without a big hitch.

GINGER BEER POISIONING

I brewed up some ginger beer,

Didn't drink it until the brew was clear,

It packed a punch,

I lost my lunch,

My friend didn't, now he's not here.

A TIGER SAT DOWN LIMIERCK

A tiger sat down in my dining room,
He said his hunger would be my untimely doom,
But I was thinking much quicker,
And knowing tigers can't hold their liquor,
Gave him some scotch; the tiger passed out and fell, boom!

 

WHAT DADDY MAKES IN THE BACKWOODS.

I had some fun juice that tasted so fine,

No after affect like banana wine,

I drank it for my dinner,

It earned title of winner,

I think daddy makes if from needles of pine.

CORN COBBY FERGUSON

Mr. Ferguson had a novel hobby,

He carved little ducks out of dry corn cobby,

Selling all but one of his carved ducks

Ferg made over one million bucks,

The one duck that Ferg kept he named Robby.

P07062022

A PILE OF RANDY

Randy went out hunting in the woods with a spear,

All Randy did with the spear was scare the poor deer,

Along came a bear,

And she did not scare,

Now Randy is a pile of bear poop from bear rear.

ZIT PASTE

Ed bought some paste by the case,

He slapped it on his big face,

It removed his zits,

And left no pits,

Now, he's accepted by the whole human race.

MY PEACOCK CAME FROM MARS

My new pet peacock came from mars,
He told me that his name was Lars,
He said "feed me well and I will stay,
If you don't I'll fly away,"
I fed him chicken soup with stars.

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