I HAVE NO FRIGHT, EXCEPT FROSTBITE

I could not pay my gas bill for months, because those funds I lack,

I'm waiting for my kerosene heater to heat up my shack,

In a couple of more days,

I must heat in other ways, 

When my kerosene runs out, I'll suffer a frostbite attack.

MY LITTLE PET TOAD LIMERICK

My little pet toad sleeps so easy,
He drinks rum but, he never gets queasy,
His constitution's deluxe
It is never in flux,
Even with a cold he never gets sneezy.

PP102321

WADING FOR DINNER: A FISHERMAN'S STORY

I went fishing, wading out in the dark,
I was hungry and my kitchen was stark,
I had my red worms and beer,
And, the beer gave me such cheer,
 Until, I stepped on a hammerhead shark.

HOW TO MAKE A CAMPFIRE LIMERICK

I chipped some flint to make some fire,

I made a few sparks, but my arms started to tire,

So, I took out a match,

Struck a flame that would catch,

I chose the easy way, and left the hard way to admire.

PP09202023

I KNEW A BANJO PLAYER NAMED CLAY

I knew a banjo player named Clay,
And, boy could that hillbilly play,
From Mozart to Bach,
From Bluegrass to rock,
His music had something to say.

PP09062022

THE DEER ATE MY WINTER TRIP TO BARBADOS

I was planning on using my cash earned from potatoes,
To fund my winter trip to Barbados,
Of course my potatoes this year,
Have been ate by the deer,
And, my arthritis  won't let me pick tomatoes.

P090716

BLUE BALL IN LOVE

Tony liked his sports, if he could play with real blue balls,

So, he played at beaches searching for the best blue volleyballs

Soon he came upon his prince,

A body builder, named Blue Vince,

One was tall and one was short, but their overcame those walls.

CHICKEN OR AN EGG

I went to Miami and bought me some eggs,

I cracked one open, and got a beak and two legs,

Two eyes were staring at me,

So, I fried it all in ghee,

And fed the lot to my dog, Little Megs.

BENNY BUILT A TIME MACHINE

PP033122

Benny built a time machine,

But, he benefited not,

For when he went back to change the past,

The future he forgot.
 

JIM WILL BE SQUATTING WITHOUT ANY BLUE BALLS.

Jim is just a squatter on this little blue ball, earth,

Jim squats, and squats, and squats, and grows a bigger girth, 

One day Jim will galaxy away,

Where there's mean, Jim will not stay,

Then Jim will squat again, just like a brand new birth.

I PUBLISHED A POST

I published a post, but the post was not ready,

It had all the words, but the logic was unsteady,

So, I spent all the day,

Moving words to convey,

And letters from A to old Zeddy.

PP020322

UNDERSTAND THE BAND

There are not too many trumpets in my band,

Because they played so bad most of the kids were banned,

But, through some band parent/teachers host,

The banned players were no longer ghosts,

I just hope those who have to listen understand. 

THE DAY OF THE FIVE HOUNDS

Freddy fried a big pan of a food called bubble and squeak,

He fed it to his five hound dogs, and soon the house did wreak,

Freddy used his bathroom spray,

It made the worst smell go away,

But, Freddy almost passed out, when the smells were at their peak.

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

THE BREWMEISTER BEAST IN MY CRAWLSPACE

In my crawl space there lives a great beast,

He brews his own beer and demands lots of yeast,

But, where my wallet stops,

Is buying pricey hops,

He can make wine with just sugar and yeast. 

PP083122

THE LITTLE PIGGY POEM

LITTLE PIGGY, LITTLE PIGGY
Little piggy, little piggy your cuteness is lame,
You are not housebroken and therefor not tame,
No matter how you are trained you end up the same,
You crap on the floor, and you won't take the blame.

EAT OR BE EATEN BY PIGS

Bill liked his pork chops, he ate them sit times a day,

Bill raised his own pigs, and saved money that way,

One day Bill's heart, it stoped,

Into the pig pen he dropped,

Bill's pigs ate Bill all up, that's what his neighbors say.

THE BEST BUNS, STAKE AND CHEESE

I went to Salisbury to eat me some stake,

It's served between big buns, best that anyone can bake,

With sausage gravy and cheese,

For little me, it do please,

Then for desert I eat the whipped cream and pound cake.

DARK SKIES LEAD TO T FOR THE D

There was no shadow behind the tree,

Because the sun was history,

For the skies darkening clouds,

Were like piling on shrouds,

I was so depressed, then I took my tea.

PP101022

SQUISHY RHUBARB PIE

My rhubarb pie came out real squishy,

Cousin Tim, wouldn't eat it, nor would cousin Trishy,

Uncle Bob ate it, and got really sick,

As did dad and mom and grandma Vick,

May they get well is my holiday wishy.

   

THERE WAS A ROCKBASS NAMED MURKY

There was a rock bass named Murky,
When he swam he swam really Jerky,
He swam over a dam,
Did a forehead slam,
Now he thinks that he is a turkey.

PP090823

THURMOND'S TELESCOPE IS FOR THE BIRDS

Thurmond's telescope made the news one day,

When Thurmond saw spacecrafts heading our way,

After networks broadcast his words,

The spacecrafts turned out to be birds,

There was a crow, a dove and blue jay.

PP033022
 

I DIG POTATOES AND WATCH THE GOAT

I found a little fig,

It seemed to dance a jig,

Was ate by a goat named Tig,

Who chewed up my daddy's wig,

All, while potatoes I did dig.

FREE CANDY CANES ARE NOT ALWAYS FREE

I love to get free candy canes everywhere I go,

But, now most stores don't give them out, 

So, my stash stays pretty low,

Of course, I can go to grandmas and pick them off her tree 

But, if she catches me she spanks me on her gnarled knee,

Now, I am nearly forty and grandma's ninety-three,

I just hope she don't hurt her hip, when lambasting little me.

PP122318

   

HEAT, LIGHTS, TIGHTS AND POO SOAP

The Christmas presents I got, I took back to the store,

I can use the cash from the returns, much, much more,

I can pay my heat and lights,

Maybe, buy new ballet tights,

And some soap, to scrub the dog poo off the floor.

TINSEL TOES THE BEAR

The bear put shiny tinsel on his toes,

Wherever he travels, the tinsel goes,

No one will dare,

Making fun of that bear,

Or, they be counting their multiple woes.

THE WERECOYOTE

A werecoyote has come along,

So, I wrote a werecoyote song,

He was my best friend Mat,

Then he ate my tom cat,

A werecoyote is a critter that's just wrong.

WHEN THE SNOW BLOWS

When the snow blows and cold comes through your cracks,
You stuff newspaper in the holes to keep warm your shacks,
Shove up the stove with wood,
When it's red hot, it is good,
It is then time to wait 'till the frost bite attacks.

When the snow blows it makes hurt on my feet,
I run out of food and have nothing to eat,
And when the snow blows,
I'll have to cut off my toes,
But, at least I will have some fresh meat.

P020223

THE TWO PETER POEM

Peter I and Peter II were competitive twins,
They also shared both their virtues and their sins,
They both had a penchant for mutton,
Upon which they each were a gluten,
The one that dies the very fattest, I guess wins.

P050722

NO GREETING CARD, JUST BAD NEWS FROM THE BANK

I went outside and got the mail, at the breaking of the dawn,

It was no greeting card, but a notice I was overdrawn,

I went to the bank,

I was in the tank,

No prob, I got stuff to pawn.

WILLY WITH FEW NEEDLES

There was a red pine tree named Willie,
He had few needles and looked silly,
All the other trees,
Did nothing but tease,
The near naked tree nick named Billy.

Willie was a red pine tree,
He grew real tall so he could see,
But, the great sacrifice,
Made things turn out not nice,
Willies needles poored down like a sea.

UNCLE JAKE IS NUTS, BUT HE DIDN'T HURT ANYONE THIS CHRISTMAS

Christmas is all over, and I am giving Uncle Jake a golden star,

He did not try to run us over in his Lincoln Continental car,

I took away his baseball bat,

Replaced it with a tin foil hat,

And, I sent with him home, my homemade mincemeat in a jar.

INKY IN THE DEEP

When Inky my pet octopus died,

His friend Boris, the bear cried and cried

Down my new toilet bowel,

Went Inky's remains and soul,

To the septic, Inky had a nice ride.

INKY THE OCTOPUS AND BORIS THE BEAR

My pet octopus has run out of ink,

That's why he has turned a pale shade of pink,

His friend, my pet bear,

Is very aware,

For the two of them have a strong psychic link.

CHRISTMAS WAS MY NO PIE CRY DAY

For Christmas dinner, I forgot to bake pie,

I was confronted by my guests, who asked why?

I was so full of despair,

I pulled out my hair,

And, locked myself in my bedroom to cry.❄😭

MORT THE ROBOT-Limerick

There was a robot named Mort,
For a tin man he was real short,
He could not compute,
Or, do a square root,
He couldn't even write a report.

Mort was a real klutzy robot,
He was one since he was a tin tot,

He couldn't run in gym,
He would sink and not swim,
His circuits were covered with rot.

Mort went for years to robot school,
He still turned out to be a real fool,
He could not count past three,
Or, pronounce the letter "B",
Now, he's just someone's can opener tool.

TRINA THE POND

Trina the snow-lady got hammered by storm,

It was blowy and snowy, real windy and warm,

Trina was no brainy,

And, when the snow became rainy,

Trina melted to water and showed her true form.

P113022

I

TREE

                              LCB

I eat my crumpets, sip my tea,

From my kitchen, I can see,

I have a beautiful pine tree,

It's free spirit makes me feel free,

I'll make a swing, then I'll go "Wee!"😁

BALLAD OF THE WINTER WONDER BAND

They were called the Winter Wonder Band,

They Played polka across all the land,

People who danced,

Were soul enhanced,

Gorging on cabbage and trout that they canned.

MARY’S TOES WERE REALLY JAMMED

Mary’s toes were really jammed,
Her smelly feet gave her friends woe,
But, her nose was stuffed and smelled no scent,
So, she gave her nose a blow.

Mary's shirt showed off her dinner,
From the night before,
Mary seldom did her laundry,
She found that chore a bore,

Mary had no significant other,
For she had such quirky ways,
Mary graded on the nerves of another,
While on herself she lauded praise.

P2052611

I BLAME MY BROTHER

Those little elves have been spying for Santa Claus,

I haven't been good, so this years presents might pause,

I think it wise,

Not to apologise,

I'll blame my brother for the bad things I cause.

P2121122

MY LIFE AS A BRAIN EATING ZOMBIE HAIKU

Brain eating zombie,
Biter, ouch, headache, brains, brains,
Guy, baseball bat, ouch!!!

P211323

THOSE THIEVING DINOSAURS

A pterodactyl flew off with my banana,

A triceratops ripped off my bandana, 

A brontosaurus stole my car,

An ichthyosaur grabbed my guitar,

And, a tyrannosaur ate my favorite nanna.

P2

THE CHRISTMAS THREE

Jessie was told to setup a Christmas tree,"

But, earwax caused Jessie to hear "Christmas Three,"

Jessie worked day and night,

To make his three look just right,

It looked so nice everyone just let it be.

ALL THAT BANGING MUST HURT

Johnny banged, and banged, and banged on the floor,

Johnny hurt his self, and he did it no more,

He calmed down real good,

He did just as he should,

Then David started bang, bang, banging the door.

MOZART'S TIT SINGS

There was a little titmouse chirping in a tree,

The little titmouse chirped and chirped, a Mozart melody,

It was the Turkish March in C,

He chirped repeatedly,

Now that tune repeats in my head, and my brain cells can't break free.

MY DELICIOUS CHRISTMAS GOAT CHEESE

Everyone loves my Christmas goat cheese,

I bring some to work each year, as a smell tease,

Sometimes it ain't right,

And, empties bowels overnight,

For my goats often have diarrhea disease.

MY FLUGELHORN PAID FOR RENT AND FOOD

All I want for Christmas is a brand new flugelhorn,

A truck ran over my old one, and made my horn unborn,

I play my horn at the corner and get tossed one cent,

When I get enough pennies, I go and pay my rent,

If I have money left over, I can sup on canned cream corn.

PIMPLES OF THE WITCH

My granny use to be a very naughty, nasty, mean witch,

She gave nice people lots of pimples, and made those pimples itch,

She'd sell a cure in a plastic tub,

Just a mayonnaise and alcohol rub,

Granny became really rich, off the pimple cream, she would pitch.

SANTA CLAUS RODE ON HIS RED SLEIGH

Santa Claus rode on his red sleigh,
Bringing presents on Christmas day,
He couldn't hardly steer,
His rowdy reindeer,
Till he agreed to give them more pay.

THE LITTLE SUMMER BOY

I hate all the winter, it comes with a terrible steep cost,

All it does is blow and snow, and covers eyeballs with the frost,

The cold aches down in my bones,

And, I lose my suntan tones,

By the time old winter ends, I will be feeling all is lost.

WHERE DOES SANTA GET HIS TOYS?

Where does Santa get his toys?
They are made by elves for good girls and boys,
And, for boys and girls who are really bad,
They get lumps of coal then, they feel sad,

Where does Santa get his lumps of coal?
From deep shaft mines worked by a creature called troll,
And, while elves get a golden toy factory pass,
Trolls work deep in the earth like a true second-class,

Now, old Santa is a jolly old elf,
And, he promotes the ones who are just like himself,
 But, he does provide jobs for those who work underground,
In mines that are cited as unsafe and unsound,

Yet, the trolls do not live a life of quiet despair,
Instead, they plot revolution to make society fair,
Now, on Christmas morning when you get your big lump of coal,
Remember, the coal came from the toils of the second-class troll.

THE FAMILY COMES TOGETHER TO SHARE THEIR LOVE AND A MEAL🎄❄❄❄❄❄🎄

Every holiday it's not surprising,🙄

With all the family tensions rising,😡

After all our nasties are said,🙊

We sit down and break bread,🍞

Afterwards, we continue despising.🍷🍸🍹🍺

CHRISTMAS TREES OUTSIDE

I like to decorate Christmas trees outside in the snow,

And, watch the colored bulbs in the sunshine glow,

But, watch out for the deer,

Because it is clear,

On your trees their chompers will mow.

THE MARSHMALLOW ELVES

Two marshmallows froze while polishing Santa's sleigh,

Santa warned them not to do it, but the marshmallows did it anyway,

To warm the marshmallows up quick,

Santa stuck them on a stick,

And, Santa had s'mores to snack on that day.

THERE WAS NO SNOW FOR CHRISTMAS

There was no snow for Christmas,

Nor, snow for New Year's as well,

And, living in Northern Michigan,

It's been a type of snow-less hell,

There's no snow on the ski slope,

Nor, on the toboggan run,

There's no snow on the snowmobile trail,

In winter, no snow equals no fun,

Of course you can go ice skating,

And, fall and crack your bones,

You can also go ice fishing,

And, get frostbite on your scones,

But, a snow fortress you cannot build,

Nor, a snowman can you roll,

You can't track animals you've shot and killed,

Nor, make snow angels with arms and soul,

You see a winter that has no snow,

Is like a car that has no gas,

It's like Santa's lost his "Ho, Ho,"

When Old Man Winter takes a pass.

A WARM CHRISTMAS DAY CHANGES OLD SANTA'S SLEIGH

There will be no white on Christmas Day,

Only green and brown and tan and gray,

It has been really warm,

And, unless there's a storm,

Tires will adorn Santa's sleigh.

HEY SNOWMAN, LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE

By Tim Colin

Last night my brother's Ted, Mike our colleague Gerrard and I spent the night in a local children’s park waiting to capture one of the strange monsters known by the general public as snowmen. However, professional investigators like us believe that some snowmen are tainted with evil and come to life after midnight every December when the moon is full.  Our organization learned of these evil snow demons from Gerrard’s great grandfather.

Gerrard’s great grandfather is named Hank and he was born in Germany back in 1902.  Hank lives nearby the park and will often take a leash out for a walk through it.  Hank lost his pet poodle 20 years ago but imagines that the pooch is still alive.  Hank feeds and waters his dog everyday and after mid-night he imagines taking his dog for a walk so the dog can do its business in the children’s park.  Hank had told his great grandson Gerrard that he had seen a large snowman roaming around the park looking for people to switch with its long stick fingers.

According to Hank people in the village where he was born believed that in December when the moon was full the snowmen made by children would come to life and switch the naughty children on the backside with the stick hands that stuck out of the abdomen.  Gerrard told us that this was an old Celtic legend.  I pointed out that the Celts were in Ireland and Scotland not Germany.  Gerrard responded “Well, my grandfather’s village was in the mountains so he must have been a highlander.”

I saw absolutely no problem with his logic.  Neither of my brothers said anything because they have problems locating the United States on a map of North America.  My brother Mike thinks the nations of the world are arranged on the globe in alphabetical order.

Before we started our investigation I decided to check out the story old Hank told Gerrard regarding a snowman prowling around the children’s park after mid-night.  I listened to a police scanner the other night and sure enough there were several reports about an old white man wandering around aimlessly in the park when it was blowing snow and well below freezing.  I was then sure that the reports must have been about the snowman.   I then decided to assemble a team to set out in the cold with me and wait for the dangerous snow beast.  I figured Tim and Mike could fight the dangerous snowman and since Gerrard was so slow, I could outrun Gerrard if need be so the snowman would catch up to Gerrard first which would allow for me to escape.  I had things pretty well planned out.   Because no one knew what the snow creature’s intentions might be I had Mike bring along a baseball bat so we had some means of defense besides hope and snowballs.

When we arrived at the park last night it was cold and quiet.  The clouds had parted revealing a glowing white full moon.  There was a large snowman in the park and luckily there was a snow fort built near enough to the snowman so we could hide and observe the creature and hopefully avoid being switched.   Unfortunately, the fort was not big enough for all four of us so I persuaded my younger brother Mike that he should find another place to hide.  He is not too bright so I suggested that he make a snow angel and lie still in the angel indentation and that the rest of us would cover Mike up with snow.  Mike made a show angel. We immediately covered him up with snow and packed it down tightly so it didn’t look like a snow grave.  

Ted, Gerrard and, I hid behind the walls of the snow fort waiting for the creature to start its demonic movements through the park.  Then a gust of wind blew up and at the same time we all saw the hands and arms of the snowman monster move.  “Did you see that?”  I said.

“I can’t believe this,” responded Ted.  “I thought this was just a dumb story that Gerrard’s great grandpa made up to scare little kids and big sissies like Gerrard.”

“Well your grandpa believes in leprechauns,” retorted Gerrard.  “Who could believe in people dressed up in green running around with a pot of gold?  Everyone knows people with money work on Wall Street and run around wearing black suits and they keep their money in ATM machines.  I know because I saw them using ATM machines when I went to New York as a kid.  Or was that Mt. Pleasant?  I get those two cities mixed up a lot.  I think it was the city that has the bridge that goes to Canada.”

“Would you guys shut up,” I said.  “That thing is still moving out there and I think it is creeping our way.  Where’s’ the bat?  We need to clobber that thing before it gets us.”

“I think we buried the bat with Mike,” answered Ted.  “We’ll have to ease over to Mike and dig him up in order to retrieve the bat.”

I had a better idea.  “Mike!” I hollered in a whispering voice, “Take the bat up to the monster and bash him in.  I can see the monster is going right for you now so hurry up you slow poke.”  Mike did not rustle under the snow.  He was either too afraid to act or he had gone to sleep right when we needed him to defend us.  You just can’t count on family for anything.  I knew then that it was up to me to motivate Ted and Gerrard to attack the snow monster and save us all.  I motioned for Ted and Gerrard to ease along over to where Mike was buried.  I followed them.

When we reached my brother Mike we unburied his face.  I slapped his face a couple of times but he did not wake up.  Mike is a light thinker but a very deep sleeper.

“He does not look too good,” observed Gerrard.  “Is he still alive?”

“Right now that’s not important,” I responded.  “The important thing is that we need to save ourselves.  Besides, if Mike is completely frozen we can sell his internal organs on the Internet and make a fine profit.  Anyways, I’ll still have Ted here as a brother in case I need a kidney or something one day.”

Then Gerrard held up the baseball bat and said triumphantly, “I found it.”

Then suddenly there was a tremendous gust of wind and the snowman started waving its arms and hands frantically like Frankenstein’s monster.  The snowman came at us and I led the charge for about half the distance to the monster and then I let Ted and Gerrard lead the way with Gerrard holding the bat in one hand held over his right shoulder.  When Gerrard got close to the snow monster he smashed it in the head with the bat.  With one swing of the bat the head of the monster disappeared.  Then Gerrard knocked off the dangerous branch arms from the beast.  Gerrard had to stop because he was having an asthma attack.  After a few seconds Gerrard was fine.  Then my brother Mike woke up and came over to congratulate Gerrard for defeating the evil creature.  

I was truly glad that the ordeal was over and the creature was now just a cowering pile of snow.  I was glad the snowman had not gotten to me because if it switched people for being bad then I would have been switched a lot because I have been a  bad boy several times this last year.

Note:  The above short story is published courtesy of Humor News Outdoors Nuts web site.

WHY SAM AIN'T GOT NO GIRLFRIEND

There once was a man named Sam,

He ate the putrefied meat from a ham, 

It made his bowels all throttle,

So he peed in a bottle,

And farted, on his girlfriend, Pam.

THE MAGIC VOLES LIMERICKS

I went out in the snow and made a hole,

At the bottom of the hole there was a vole,

 The vole said, "you know voles are magic in Mich,

So, I'll grant just one wish," 

The vole wished he had hot soup in a bowl.

Voles can make magic and I met one that cursed me,

Now, I can't work with numbers because I can't count past three,

It gets better yet,

Don't know the alphabet,

Cursed voles make me ignorant and free. 

The magic vole liked to play French horn, trumpet and flute,

In fact, he could play anything that made the noise of a toot,

He could beat on a drum,

Sing tenor and hum,

 And, when the police showed up he could scoot.