MANAGING MY FINANCIAL EMPIRE

I eat only noodles, because that's what I can afford,

My only light is a small lamp, that plugs in with a chord,

My car was taken early today,

Because of my full payment, delay,

My rent is quickly coming due, so found change I will hoard.  

MICHIGAN BANANAS, YES WE CAN.

Bananas grow bigger in the great, Michigan,

The skins are dark.yellow, and the meat kind of tan,

They thrive in cold or heat,

Raw ones are tough to eat,

After we stew them, we preserve them in a can.

WARNING: DANGEROUS PSYCO IS IN CHARGE OF THE FIREWORKS

What are my high tech skills? I put the fire in the works,

My position, does have several pretty, awesome  perks,

I turn a rocket at a crowd,

The rocket explodes, really loud,

The crowd will scream, and run away, while I laugh at those jerks.

THE SHOE FIXER

My shoes are failing, and falling completely apart,

I wrapped them up with duct tape, but they didn't look too smart,

I hired my cousin, Benny,

He fixes shoes for a penny,

Benny reworked my shoes, but I can't tell them apart.

NO ONE COULD SEE HIS SPEEDO

A hairy bear named Terry, wore his new, sparkling Speedo to the beach,

Nobody saw Terry's Speedo, because bear hair covered the Speedo breach,

Terry cried many tears, so sad,

Terry went home, and told his dad,

Terry's dad said bears can't wear cute human clothes; a lesson, hard to teach.

WORMING THE POTATOES.

Peter is a small seed potato, who lives inside a garden hill,

He lived with parents Bob and Nancy, and a potato worm, named Bill,

Bill chewed holes in Bob and Nancy,

They soon rotted, nothing fancy,

Bill left Peter all alone, because Peter took a pest, poison pill.

FISHING ON LAKE DAN, WITH BIG WORMS

I traveled to the lake to fish, then I went digging in the ground,

I dug down deep, thirteen feet, and big, squirming worms is what I found,

I put them in a can,

Went fishing on Lake Dan,

I caught several fat sunfish, they were mostly, a perfect round.

CATHETER CAT

A hissy, black, kitty cat crossed my tavern path,

It chewed and pulled along someone's leaky, pee cath,12

If a cat crossing my path is bad luck,

And, the cat drags a catheter, oh duck!

I've surely earn some demon God's, rabid wrath.  

THE WINDOWSILL MILLER

There was a dead, bearded miller, on my kitchen windowsill,

I knew he was completely dead, because he laid there, dead still,

Dead bugs, put hunger in my belly,

I slapped a cracker with some  jelly,

To contrast the sweet jelly, I ate a pickle, brined with dill.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD AND THE ZOMBIE

I'm Herschel, a two foot tall zombie, and I lurk in the woods,

I only eat the brains of pesky, Little Red Riding Hoods,

Red Hoods are very good to eat,

They tingle the toes on my feet,

Their brains are candy tasty, like vanilla banana puds. 

SUMMERTIME: KNOCKS, ROCKS AND LOCKS

I went to Suite Ste. Marie to play around the locks,

As ships pulled into the locks, I dropped on them small rocks,

The police came for me,

I struggled to be free,

But, they calmed my body down, with head locks and head knocks.

A COLD SPELL IN JULY

I went to the beach for sunbathing, but I started to cry,

We were having a big, beach snowstorm on the Fourth Of July,

I had an expensive sunscreen,

Made with something putrid and green,

With my snow covered raspberry, flip flops, I went home, bye, bye.

<3. 

GREEDY, EVIL BEDBUGS, TOOK OVER MY INNER EARS

A dozen bedbugs, made a race from my feet up into my ears,

Once the bedbugs finished their race, they celebrated with cold beers,

They setup a casino,

And, called it The New Reno,

Then there were big cats and a magic act, which added to my tears.

THIS SPACE WALKER, ALMOST DIED

My spacesuit, suffered a deep, very long tare,

I was saved by my self-patching, underwear,

While walking in space, 

In just such a case,

Safety undies, keeps you pressurized with air.

JERK AND PERKS

I dreamed I was a employed, as a soda jerk,

Way back in the 1950's, when there was such work,

I'd be a one man team,

Who sold real cold ice cream,

What I sloped on the counter, I'd lick up, for my perk.

MATH AND TUNA

I always knew, that the intelligence of my math teacher, was not real,

Teacher waddles all around the class, and barks and smells, like an ocean seal,

Some kids say, "just let him be",

I say, " take him out to sea",

That way he can bark and swim all day, and eat a big tuna for his meal.

TWO LITTLE MINK AND THE BOBCAT

Two little mink ran around the lake, eating dead fish that washed up on the shore,

The little mink ran into a bobcat, then the two little mink were no more,

After chewing mink bones,

The cat napped on beach stones,

After napping, the bobcat looked for food, because his belly begged for some more.

I'M NOT INVITING UNCLE PAUL, TO ANY MORE FAMILY FUNERALS

I did not notice his mass food intake,

At my deceased ma's memorial wake,

He ate it all,

My Uncle Paul,

The pie, the doughnuts and the coffee cake.

ME AND LARRY, AND OUR LITTLE CRIB

My pet goldfish Larry, only has one big fin,

He swims real funny, when he surfaces for din,

His bowl sits on the floor,

Right behind the front door,

My crib is tiny, so my fish display is min.

COLLEGE HAS A PERK

I had eighty pages left to read, in my chemistry book,

My dear, precious eyesight, I am afraid, that boring book took,

If my sight does not improve,

It will be my next move,

To call in sick for my chem class, and relax in the bar nook. 

GOODBYES, AND A FEEL GOOD TREAT

My family, all died on me, and left me completely alone,

They all got cremated, and I was left with just their ash and bone,

I took them down to the blue lake, 

Dumped them in, for the waves to take,

I stopped at the dairy place, and had a double dip, ice cream cone.

THE LION AND THE BEAR, GAVE THIS FISHERMAN A SCARE

I walked to the other side of the lake, and a lion was there,

He started eyeing me real good, as did his buddy, the big bear,

I took my walk, to catch a big fish,

I cast out my line, and hooked my wish,

I tossed my fish between the two beasts, and ran home, like a scarred hare.

THE BLACK HOLE CALLED LONELINESS

I have through my experience decided, I live in a deep, black hole,

No real dates, and my singularity, has crushed the life out of my soul,

In my apartment, all night,

I listen to couples, fight,

I snack on milk and cold cereal, picking single, raisins from my bowl.

62725

NO MORE COFFEES FOR FRANK

Because Big Frank's language was  horribly, despised,

Frank  got his number one channel, demonetized,

Frank should have been nice,

More sugar, less spice,

Then Frank got banned, when the platform he demonized.  

A SILL GARDEN WORKS BEST, SOMETIMES

Stark is my garden landscape, full of tumbleweed, that were dill,

I almost had a seizure, but I took ax extra strong, calm down, pill,

I rotertilled the lot,

To help the dry weeds rot,

I then planted a lettuce garden in my kitchen windowsill

THEY LOVE RAISIN TASTING TOES

I put some raisins in my shoes, to combat all the heat,

When my honey kisses my toes, my toes, they'll taste real sweet,

To continue a ship,

You must make nice the trip,

That includes that tastes and smells aren't repulsive, but a treat.

MY BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL, MAKES CUTS TO PILLS

Many people say, I'm a pretty bird, with a big, beautiful bill,

Someone stole a blue feather, because they had ink, but needed a quill,

With a big beautiful bill, I was born,

I use it grinding wheat, and chopping corn,

My mistress uses my sharp bill, to cut in thirds, her insulin pill.

FOOD AND FUNGUS

My small family of four, was running out of precious food to eat,

All we had left was a can of herring, and a jar of pigs feet,

We checked with our neighbors, to the left and right,

They said their pantries, were also very lite,

Then we all joined together picking mushrooms, although they're not a meat.

EMPLOYEE ZERO

Last night, I left my clothes on the bedroom floor, and they loaded up with bugs,

This morning, I spread the bugs to the family, when I gave each one hugs,

I wore my floor clothes to work,

Shook hands with the big boss, Kirk,

Soon, Boss Kirk, itched and scratched, and ripped off his toupee, for Kirk always wore rugs.

MY EV BATTERY WAS OLDER, THAN RARE EARTH ELEMENTS

I went out, and bought my very first EV, car,

I did not get to drive it, very gosh darn far,

I tried going fast,

The fast, did not last,

The battery was older, than Earth's nearest star.

HUSBAND, WHO CAME HOME LATE, WAS STEWED

There was a crazy, ragged, old lady, who lived with a red tennis shoe,

That is all the old lady had left, of her fourth husband, named Lou,

The old lady felt sad,

She loved Lou awfully, bad,

But with onions, peppers and taters, Lou tasted great in a stew.

A FABLE, OR JUST A SLIME TRAIL? YOU DECIDE

I followed a slimy, yellow trail, along a sandy, lake beach,

Could this, become a fable story, that generations could teach?

Just as I became winded,

The trail suddenly ended,

The trail stopped on top of a sidewalk, being slimed by the beach leach.

WOODY THE WHALER, HAS PARENTS TOO

My parents were  broke, and decided to make a man out of me,

So, they sold off my belongings, and shipped me out to The Dread Sea,

I was out on a big whaler,

I was a big whaler sailor,

And, I got my own peg, when a whale broke my leg off at the knee.

ROBIN HAS A PLAN

I traveled far to reach Michigan, I am a robin red breast,

I desperately need to find a mate; I really need to nest,

I'll soon be full of robin eggs,

Once laid, I'll watch for beaks and legs,

Once I've kicked the last baby out, I'll finally have time to rest.

SWATER HOUSE DIVE

They enter unseen, into my small, dark dump, to die,

I am talking about the vicious, common house fly,

I let fly paper hang,

My fly zapper, goes bang,

I love to swat them flat, then leave the fly guts to dry.

THE ALPHA MALE HAS AIR CONDITIONING, THE BETA MAN DRINKS COOL TEA

It was the first day of a long, hot summer, and my true love said to me,

"I'm going to live with your cousin David, because his crib has AC",

I made up a story,

I said I was sorry,

I explained I was saving for an ice maker, to cool our lemon tea.

I NEED TO FIGURE A WAY TO MAKE MY BOSS PAY

I spent extra time at the office, but I did not get any extra pay,

I was told to spend extra time at the office, or I'd be fired, next day,

My boss is a real jerk,

I'm a low level clerk,

My job is shredding papers, to keep government investigators away.

MARS FLY BYE

I was halfway to Mars, when I ran out of space gas,

I don't have a way to slow down, so Mars, I will pass,

I'll fly to uncharted zones,

Until, my flesh turns to bones,

Maybe, next life, I'll come back as a snake, bug or bass.

ROPE AND THE SEAHORSE

My sad seahorse was doing an unhappy mope,

So, I untethered him from his constraining rope,

He quick, ran away,

He'll come back one day,

Once he learns in life, sometimes you must learn to cope.

NO PAIN, NO STRAWBERRY GAIN

There was a big, silly gopher, named Terry,

He could not pass any red, ripe strawberry,

Terry would take a bite,

Which gave Terry delight,

But, being shot at by rock salt, was scary.

THE SUBURBAN LEGEND OF THE TURD

I have a thriving business, that sucks out your stinky, septic tank,

The sewage is for me, an investment in my money market, bank,

One day, there rose from a tank, dead,

A cold turd monster, some call Fred,

I smacked Fred hard on the head with my shovel, and down, the big turd sank.

WHAT DID GRANDMA SEND ME NOW?

I got a big, thick letter, and it was hard stamped, as postage due,

Sent to me by senile grandma, who lives in Kalamazoo,

A twenty-five dollar charge,

I decided, was too large,

I called grandma to see what was sent; it was my hair, at age two.

TO SURVIVE THE AI APOCALYPSE, YOU MUST GO SQUIRREL.

When AI takes over the entire, vast, financial world,

I will be alright, because of all the money that I've squirreled,

I've got a lot of money in the big bank,

Some in a bottle, in the septic tank,

There's money in my bunker;  upon that money, I'll be curled.

SPACE DOCTOR DDS

A Venus man came down from his hovering space craft, in the sky,

He told me he had chewy candies, and a spaceship I could fly,

I went to his ship,

Boy, what a rip,

I got an oral probe, and dental implants, and his prices were high.

WHAT DO YOU GET, WHEN YOU CROSS A CATHETER AND A DESKTOP?

My mother was a desktop computer, from old Maine,

My dad was a hospital catheter, from Tulane,

They did not make a fuss,

They got together on a bus,

I was born, a long tube, with a cybertronic, big brain.   

THE SAILBOAT GOAT

My friend, had a big, pretty yellow, sailboat,

It was pretty new, because it still could float,

We sailed one day,

Up to Saginaw Bay,

That's where my friend bought a boat mascot, a goat.

SAND BEACH SUMMER PARK AND THE DRAGON

A dragon walked into the Sand Beach Summer Park,

He chewed on the visitors, until it got dark,

As the last person got chewed,

The dragon didn't see more food,

He meandered to the woods, to gnaw on some bark.

TUNA BREATH LIVES ALONE

When my buddy has been eating tuna, he has a tell,

His breath has a nasty, pungent type of exhaust, to smell,

My buddy's breath makes eyes squint,

But, he won't intake a mint,

His roomies kicked him out, and at my place, he will not dwell.

GETTING SCREWED, AFTER TOOTH DECAY

Bobby's big, molar tooth, decayed away,

Lasts little bits spit out, one summer day,

He'll get one more,

At the dental store,

It'll be screwed in, a permanent stay.

TRINA STEALS OUR MUSHROOMS

I fried up some fresh picked mushrooms, with onions, in bacon grease,

All knew, if they ate a few rooms, their psyche would be at peace,

Then little Trina came along,

She did all of us, a big wrong,

Trina grabbed the pan of rooms, and ran; our anger will not cease.

MY BROTHER IS A COMPETITOR, PREDATOR, FOR FOOD.

I would be happy, eating many more good meals,

But, my older brother, he sees food, then he steals,

I store food in plastic bags,

Then slap on ownership tags,

My big brother, does not care, he does what he feels.

Predator.  

I INCUBATE THE EGGS, FOR THOSE THAT HAVE BUG LEGS

It was mid-July, and the horizon star drowned, and bugs came out to deep bite,

They started biting my toes, and ended in my hair; that is my entire height, 

I bathed in a bug killer spray,

The carnivores stayed, anyway, 

The bugs kept chewing, deep into my skin; they laid their eggs, and no, I'm not right.

THE BIRTHDAY THAT WAS NOT, FUN

Today, I lived through my 5th birthday, and no one brought me a cake,

No one brought me chicken, either to fry, or toast, or oven bake,

Can't I get an exciting toy,

The hula hoop, was so plain, soy,

I'll only get a few birthdays, before my aging bones all break.

I DON'T REPAIR DUMPS; I BUILD CASTLES

I gathered up my jumpy dog, and locked down my crumbling hovel,

We walked down to the sandy beach, with my toy plastic pail and shovel,

Built a tall castle on the beach,

Stacked sand as high as I could reach,

My dog knocked the castle down; for his dinner, he had to grovel.

I MISSED THE PARADE, BUT I WATCHED MY KITTY PEE

I was going to a parade, then it started to rain,

I did not want to experience a lightning strike, pain,

Through the window, I watched the river,

Gave some fresh beer to my old liver,

I' watched my cat all day, he used his litter box, to drain.

DRIED PRUNE PARFAIT FOR ALGER

My little tame rat, named Alger, was always chewing flowers,

The flowers,were non-lethal, but they made him poop for hours,

Then, 3 times every day,

I fed him dried prune, parfait,

The poopy rat, washes it off with me, while I take showers.

FAMILY VALUES, PEONIES AND MEAT

I taught my entire coup of chickens, to poop on the peonies,

Poop is a great fertilizer, and the resulting flowers, do please,

Peonies cover the families graves,

Ma, and Pa, and Great Grandpa Big Draves.

Nana ,Grandpa and Aunt Louise, are in the barn, in the meat, deep freeze.  

FOOD FOR THE FERRELL

All of the kitty cat lips, were all tongue licken, 

In the garbage, there was the skin of a chicken,

The wicked aroma that smelled,

All kitty attention, it held,

Along came a bear, and kitty hearts, did quicken.

THE ORGAN GRINDER

Jim the organ grinder, made tunes from his organ grinding pipes, 

He sold bananas on the street corner, two different types,

His noise brought customers in,

To select bananas, from his bin,

He divided his bananas into green ones, and the ripes.

FROM THE ANCIENT CRYPT OF KINGS, I STOLE THEIR GOLDEN RINGS

Down In a dark tunnel, I found the crypt of the ancient kings,

I went into the dank, musky crypt, to steal their precious, things,

Clothes were stinky, loose and frayed,

Royal bodies, had decayed,

But, on their brittle finger bones, they showed off their golden rings.