IF YOU HURT MY TRUMPET, I WILL HURT YOUR TOOT EVEN MORE

Benny took my pretty trumpet, and dropped it on the floor,

Then, Benny took my trumpet, and nailed it to the  backdoor,

Benny gets so very mean, 

On every Halloween,

So, I sawed in half his Pan flute, and it will play no more.

HEATWAVE

It is so very, very hot,

Steamy, is the texture of snot,

And, goodness knows,

The heatwave grows,

Water's gone, and the food is rot.

42324

TRISH THE MERMAID

There was a pretty mermaid named Trish,
If you were nice she’d grant you one wish,
I asked to swim well,
Then, Trish cast her spell,
She turned me into a goldfish.

112021

I KNOCKED A PIZZA DOWN

I found a whole pizza, but it was up in the trees,

Don't know how it got there, but there was a steady breeze,

It took me quite a bit,

But, I found a long stick,

I caught the sausage pizza, and added cheddar cheese.

FRED THE RED HAS GONE TO THE BAY

I had to box and bury my bestest friend, Fred,

My favorite goldfish, only he was more red,

He's now swimming today,

In a heavenly bay,

With all my other goldfish that I have found dead.

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT AND I, SWAMP CAMP

We're home; my gentle tender foot and I,

To our Bayou, tent camp, we said goodbye,

We had an invader,

A ten foot alligator,

The alligator gave us each, the eye.

T. P. TAYLOR BOUGHT NEW SHOES

T. P. Taylor bought some screaming, pretty blue shoes, 

It was important stuff, was on the nightly news,

The shoes were from the mall,

They were way, way too small,

Taylor asked for a refund, but got a refuse.

A BUG IN MY DILLS

I bought a can of dill pickles from an online superstore,

I received my can of dill pickles, in it is something more,

It has six legs,

Legs straight like pegs,

The thing looks like the cockroach I see, crawling across my floor. 

TERMITES AND ME

Something bad happened to my wood deck,
This spring it all fell all to heck,
On the problem I set sights,
And, found ten billion termites,
Next, my wood house crashed down in a wreck. 

8122

I TRIED SECURING A DATE WITH THE TASTIEST SCONES

I tried securing a date with the tastiest scones,
I recited poetry in soft monotones,
But, my lady chose another,
In fact, he was my brother,
Because of his strong pheromones.

42716

I'LL DRIVE YOU TO TOWN ON ICEY ROADS

More ice on the road means I have a greater chance to error,

And, send all of my passengers into a state of great terror,

For when I hit the ice, 

We will spin round once or twice,

Then, clean undies in my car become rarer.

121620

MY PET GATOR

My pet gator is covered with dots,
Yet, I gave him all of his shots,
But, he likes to eat weasels,
And, from them he caught measles,
Now, his poor belly is tied up in knots.

121521

CLOSING TIME

I'm afraid the universe is on it's last call,

Soon the universe will be nothing at all,

It's not yet, even May,

But, what should I say,

I'm ordering my drinks to be extra tall.

BRAIN CHIPS AND PRODUCTIVITY

I was admonished for working too slow,

The boss wanted me to go, go, go, go,

It caused me agonizing pain,

When he planted chips in my brain,

To make the boss more doe, doe, doe, doe.

2724

RICHIE THE RATTELSNAKE

Richie was a real vicious rattlesnake,
He lived in Michigan near Skegemog Lake,
When Cindy had too much ale,
She stepped on Richie's tail,
Richie bit her and even went to her wake.

10314

TALE OF THE PRO-FISHERMAN

I bought me some crawlers, so I could catch trout,

There's big ones out there, in the streams all about,

See, I write a love story,

As I story my glory,

A love for my fish-craft, and my wins I tout.

SQUAIL

I recently, went hunting for the elusive squail,

It's about 1\3rd squirrel, and 2\3rds of a quail,

It has the flavor of nuts,

Yet, smells like chicken butts,

I cover up with hollandaise sauce, garnished with kale.

41924

LIFE IN A TENT

I could no longer afford paying home rent,

I built a new estate, some called it a tent,

On the most unhappiest day

My tent was tornadoed away,

Worse, where the tent went, my body was sent.

41824

SIR ED NEEDS A DONATION

In the annuals of time, there was a dark night, called Sir Ed,

He became really vengeful, when someone cut off his head,

He'd ride searching, on his horse,

For a donor head, of course,

But, if Ed did find one, he would make the donor quite dead.

TOWARD THE MOON AND BACK

I accepted a mission, to sail all the way to the moon,

I postulated I could get there, with a hot air balloon,

Like missions of the past,

My balloon did not last,

I quickly plunged to the earth, landing in a seaside sand dune.

41824

APPLES, WORMY OR SQUISHY

The apples on the tree were wormy and ripe,

The apples on the ground were squishy like tripe,

So, wormy apples it be,

That I picked from the tree,

Although, apples with fewer worms are my type.

JERRY THE BOUNCER

Jerry had some weird, but mostly mundane work nights,

Jerry was a bar bouncer, and he bounced all fights,

He threw out the punks,

Called cabs for the drunks,

At last, He locked the place down, and turned out the lights.

41824

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT AND I

My gentle Tender Foot and I,

Loved to go up, up, up, and fly,

We flew a round balloon,

That rose like a full moon,

One day we crashed hard, but didn't die.

THE TREAT

As I wandered in the cold streets,

Checking dumpsters for my best eats,

Found a kiddie slide,

Took a down slide ride,

Little adventures are life's treats.

41624

CATO'S POTATO AND THE BIG, FOUL BEAR

There was a spider monkey named Cato,

The only food he had was a potato,

Along came this foul bear, 

He demanded his share,

In exchange, he shared his tomato. 

41624

WE PERISHABLE THOUGHTS

When will the great soul end our world, that has an existence which is paper thin?

Perhaps the great soul will decide to write us off, when it takes up a pen again,

Will the world end today?

Or, another day away?

Every  moment we perishable thoughts exist, we should count that as a win.

71624

FRED GOES TO?

There was an old fella known by most as, Fred,

He was found face down in a stream, drowned and dead,

Fred hit his big head,

On a hard rock bed,

Fred's somewhere drinking moonshine, with cousin Ted.

THE ZOMBIE RECKONING

Now that we zombies have won the last of all wars,

We are eating the living to settle old scores,

The living killed zombies, like dad,

That made me incredibly sad,

But, crackers, brains and marshmallows, make yummy s'mores.  

WHAT I MADE IN POTTERY CLASS

I took a pottery class,

And, potted a 4 lb rock bass,

I glazed him dark green,

And, his glass eyes looked real mean,

If he sells I'll make more fish in mass.

6818

DEATH BY BAT SCABIES

My storm door broken window let in a fright,🏡

It flew into my bedroom and gave my nose quite a bite,👃

The flying rat gave me rabies,😱

And, terminal scabies,💀

I erred and didn't seal my whole house up tight.🏚🔨

82021

THE ICE CREAM MAKER REVOLT

My AI ice cream maker, was named Dave,

He made my ice cream, he was my AI slave,

One day he got bold,

Didn't do, as was told,

He took my home, now I live in a cave.

41524

THE MONTH OF APRIL

If you live where there is no snow,

April is when your plants will grow

The baby deer falls from the doe,

You won't need socks to warm your toe,

You shelve long books, like Ivanhoe.

41524

THE RHUBARB WINE LIMERICKS UNPLUGGED

There is nothing as potent as fresh rhubarb wine,
It’s not drank by the timid, connoisseur or, divine,
The bottle warnings you should heed,
It can make your eye balls bleed,
To save yourself when offered a glass just decline. 

Rhubarb wine made me grow hair down between my toes,
I grew hair in my ears and the nostrils of my nose,
The wine made my eyes all glassy,
This scared off my main lassie, 
Rhubarb wine is the cause of most all of my woes.

11923

JUNIOR QUANTOS WENT TO SCHOOL

Junior Quantos went to a public high school,

He aced physics classes, using his big brain tool,

Although, his body was puny,

At 16, he went to Uni,

He became rich; he has a mansion with a pool.

WHAT TIGERS DO ALL DAY

There once was a tiger named Bill,

He lived just up over the hill,

Everyday he'd eat mice,

Take a swim to drown lice,

The rest of the time, he'd just chill.

A MARTIAN CAME DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE

A Martian came down from outer space,
He looked for towels with fancy white lace,
His wife wanted them soon,
Or, he'd sleep on the moon,
He bought her an entire case.

11823

THE PIG AND I

My cute little pig, laid down for a long sleep,

Now, soon tender vitals, my cleaver shall reap,

I have no regrets,

I eat all my pets,

Except for my hound dog; he'll bite me back, deep.

THE CLOWN WITH GINGIVITIS

The happy fat clown had gingivitis,
His smile could no longer delight us,
He was fired today,
Given no severance pay,
On the way out, he tried to bite us.

9322

COUCH PANTS

Jimmy had pants made of real nice Naugahyde,

Only pair that exists, and I've never lied,

His mama was poor,

Couldn't shop at a store,

Made Jimmy's pants from a couch, sitting outside.

THREE PINES AND ONE BAT CAMPGROUND

I went camping at a campground called, Three Pines and One Bat,

I saw the three dead pines, but worried, where was the bat at,

Then, ouch what the darn, heck?

 The bat vented my neck,

Out poured my blood, the dead pines turned green, I died where I sat.

THE COST FOR WADING IS MONEY AND PAIN

When wading in the ocean, you might get a bad sting,

And, most times that creature is a most poisonous thing,

The sting you must pamper,

You unhappy camper,

To get it treated, you'll have to sell most of your bling.

41424

THE MEAN BLUE BIRD NAMED JAY-Limerick

There was a big blue bird named Jay,
He chased all the small birds away,
An eagle dropped by,
He ate Jay on the fly,
No one helped Jay on that day.

Jay was a really mean old bird,
He only screamed and said not a word,
When an eagle named Heather,
Ate Jay beak and feather,
Jay's screams was all anyone heard.

No one was sad to see Jay gone,
He was mean from dawn to dawn,
For his memorial day,
Nothing good could one say,
At the wake they had salt licks and prawn.

33022

MY DIESEL TRUCK: THE CAUSE OF ALL MY PROBLEMS

I have a truck that’s a diesel and it don’t want to go,
Diesel fuel gets real sticky in the cold and the snow,
I’ll be late for my job,
I’ll be an unemployed slob,
I’d of bought a regular gas truck if only I’d know.

My diesel truck made me so late for work,
I was summarily fired by the boss, who’s a jerk,
Unemployed I and upset be,
My girl friend left me,
Now with not hope my mind is berserk.

121214

THE MIND WAR

I fought a mind war with checkers, against my natural foe,

He was my crazy sister's new boyfriend, and his name was Beau,

Beau took the round reds,

I got the black heads,

I  won when Beau's very last king, had no safe place to go.

 

MY NEW MUSIC HOBBY

I bought me some records that they call LP,

They make lots of noise, which makes a happy me,

I heard a trumpet toot, toot,

And, the peep, peep of a flute,

Then someone was singing, but they were off key.

ATTENTION ANDROIDS: JUST SAY NO TO POP

My pop was full of bubbles and those bubbles filled the void,

But, then the pop kept on bubbling and that made me annoyed,

 And, I was built with no gas release,

My maker can't help because he rests in peace,

I should not have drank pop because I'm an android,

I was in great pain but, I managed a burp,

It was very squeaky, much like a bird chirp,

I took an antacid, which made the pop bubble more,

The pressure and bloating made my android parts sore,

I vow not to drink pop, though I crave for a slurp.

102222

THE BEAR AND THE MAYONNAISE

My mayonnaise had an odor, so I set it outside my backdoor,

A grizzly bear ate the whole jar, he died, with a whimper, and no roar,

My mayonnaise did the bear no good,

Poor big critter, from my neighborhood,

I took the empty jar into town, to get money back from the store.

41224

EXTRA NUTS PLEASE

I ordered some extra nuts off the net,

They're almonds, the right size nuts, you can bet,

I ordered the real salty,

Goes with my beer that's real malty,

Now with my nuts my weekend's all set.

THE SPACE LASAR GOT ME GOOD

There is this glowing space laser, some call it the sun,

It aims straight down on me, like some Martian ray gun,

It's not at all funny,

Getting zapped by the sunny

I feel cooked like a turkey, dry and crispy done.

6323

,

I TOOK A BREAK AND IT HURT

I ate two onion bagels, and that was lunch,

I washed them down with a sweet, raspberry punch,

My teeth were full of ruts,

On break I chewed some nuts,

I shouted "Ouch!", with every single crunch.

41224

Fridays Are For Knocking Off Early

Tank in back of the toilet seat,

Good porcelain clean and neat,

Sits solid on floor,

Friday used more,

See ya, at weekend retreat.

52722

LEFTOVERS

All the food in my fridge is in rapid decline,

The juice is all fuzzy, and has turned into wine,

The potatoes are a dark green,

The chicken has a shiny sheen,

Last months popular pork roast, is growing a vine.

041124

THERE WAS A COLLEGE STUDENT NAMED DRAKE

There was a college student named Drake,
Over and over the same class he'd take,
The first time he got a "C",
The second time a grade "B",
He should get an "A" now for goodness sake.

12317

I PARKED WRONG AND MY CAR WENT AWAY

I drove to work in the rain and the drive was really long,

I parked near the building although, I knew it was wrong,

After only one hour,

Even in a thunderous shower,

My car was hauled by a ding dong. 

82122

THE LOST PONTOON TREASURE

My pontoon, it don't float no more,

It's stuck in muck on the lake floor,

And, next to the seat,

There's snacks to eat,

For the fish it's a treasure score.

41224

FISHING WITH A FRIGID RUBBER WORM

I catch few fish but, many trees,

I catch logs, and shoes and water lillies,

I blame the rubber worm on my hook, 

Methinks he displays a bad look,

He's frigid and the fish want a tease.

51520

I SLEPT AROUND

I slept on a soft bed, and I slept on a coach,

I slept on floorboards with nails that made me shout, "ouch",

 I slept on a beach,

Where seagulls screech, screech,

I slept at the new zoo in a kangaroo pouch.

41124

THE BIG BEN BARN

I passed a barn out on U.S. 10,

It had a clock just like Big Ben,

But it didn't chime,

It mooed the time,

And clucked the music like a hen.

91622

ANTIQUE RAFTING

While I rafted down a creek,
My rubber raft ripped a big leak,
Then dry-shore I tried to seek,
But cold water made me swim too meek,
Soon my washed-up bones will be antique.

101821

NO TOCK, SO I BACH

I went today to see my heart specialist doc,

He said my heart had a tick, but seldom a tock, 

It made me both sad and happy,

I would soon see my dead pappy,

Soon dad's fiddle I'll hear playing, Johan S. Bach.