MOVING THE OVERTON WINDOW FOR PROFIT

I'm trying to move the Overton Window, so people will like my new cheese,

I make it out of unpasteurized cow milk, then give it a bigly, deep freeze,

It tastes so good,

Chews like soft wood,

I hope this product is more accepted, than my purple honey, puked by bees.

I WENT OUT ON A DATE, AND WHAT DID I SEE

I went out on a date, and what did I see,

Two long vampire teeth, coming for me,

I hate to just whine,

But dates found online,

Most often, they will end, unpleasantly.

I HAVE MUMMY IN MY TUMMY

I went into a pyramid, and confronted a beast,

He was looking for yummy mummies, upon which to feast,

The old mummies looked quirky,

Tasted like turkey jerky,

The jerky from the feet, is the jerky I liked the least.

ME AND MY TWIN AND THE BOAT

Although our summer boat was small, and made with tin,

It was the fishing vessel of myself, and twin,

We'd row on the lake,

To hook a fish steak,

Mostly, we got a severe sunburn on our skin.

SPACE FARM ONE, ON MARS

I am excited to start farming in outer space,

I believe Mars makes for the ultimate, testing case,

I will bring cows, and make them stay,

I'll fill their mouths with lots of hay,

I'll suck in the clean air of Mars, a pristine, nice place.

MY JUICE IS PEE: I FOUND OUT

The grape juice that I buy, is mostly made of pig pee,

The Pig Pee Corporation has been poisoning me,

The things that I most love and savior,

Are added sugars and grape flavor,

Are infused with pork fizzy, that would sting like a bee.

MY RECIPE FOR SWEET AND SOUR TUNA FISH

I like to add pineapple juice to my tuna cuisine of fish,

I add a dap of lemon, and some sugar to my tasty dish,

I add the sweetest pickle relish,

Serve with lettuce leaves to embellish,

When I find a fish bone wishbone; I break it, and it grants a wish.

IN LIFE, BEING STUPID HAS CONSEQUENCES

I had a can of old porky beans,

I traded it for some powdered greens,

I tried to get healthy,

But, I was not wealthy,

I was never on a list called "Deans".

THE STOODS

I live in a collapsed mansion, out in the backwoods,

It has an ancient mansion name, I call it "The Stoods",

It stood through revolts and wars,

Great fires, floods and downpours,

It stood off all great evils, an outpost for the  goods.

YOU MUST GO TO BELGIUM, FOR BELGIUM WAFFLES AND EGGS, RIGHT?

My roommates sent me to Belgium to buy waffles and eggs,

I could not find either one, although I walked off my legs,

I flew straight back to New York,

My roommates called me a dork,

I had to stay with my dumb sister, we all call her Pegs.

POLAR VORTEX LOSS

A big polar vortex came down after me,

That's why I'm buried in an ice and snow sea,

I've dug all about,

Found no real way out,

This spring they'll find my carcass; that's how it be.     

I tried making a fire, but have no firewood,

The furniture is metal, so that does me no good,

My clothing is quite warm,

Holding out for this storm,

I will last dream of my babe, walking old Hollywood.

When I thawed, I was buried deep in the ground,

I heard my babe crying, a faint, fading sound,

Forever is lonely, I understand,

Just darkness and quiet,

No sky, ocean or land.

 

Note: "Sweet Betsy Of Pike Melody"

COFFEE CREAMER CHOKING CHUNKS

My coffee creamer had turned into a Romano cheese,

It had been on the porch a fortnight, and did a deep freeze,

My coffee floated cheese chunks,

That stuck together in hunks,

It did not taste too good, and choking on chunks, made me sneeze.

SCHRODINGER'S CAT UNBOXED

My friend Schrodinger, could not find his son's, dead cat,

It was not in the box, where it should of been at,

The mystery did grow,

Then we spied my son, Moe,

With a cat tail hanging from his mouth, what a brat.

HEALTHCARE FOR CHICKENS

I had a pet rooster, too bad he got head lice,

I pulled out his feathers, and in fat, fried him twice,

I killed off his bugs,

The kids gave me hugs,

We ate that pet chicken, and he tasted real nice.

GAMMA GRANDMA AND THE MONKEYS PAW

My monkey's unearthly armpits, smell like bananas,

Not like chunk, diced onions, emanating from nana's,

My monkey's little paw,

Reminds me of grandma,

Her skin is so wrinkled, from sunbathing in gammas.

BLEEDING OUT A CRICKET HOLE

I was hunting bugs for my dinner, something good to cook,

I stepped on an empty cricket shell, and that's all it took,

The shell cut, so wide and deep,

No tear fluids, could I keep,

I feared blood seeping through the gash, and so I could not look.

THE SUPERBOWL SUNDAY RECKONING

I was watching the Superbowl and eating cheese balls,

I  violently disagreed with all the ref calls,

Many cheese balls started flying,

The screen had cheese pieces drying,

Then peanut butter on crackers, I launched at the walls.😡

WHEN I ASKED THE JUDGE FOR BAIL

When I asked the judge for bail, the judge said he would deny,

He said I could not defend, the bad things that I did try,

I did have a witness to depose,

But, no deposing the mean judge chose,

Now it's off to the electric chair, where my brains will fry.

MY DAISY GOES AWAY

I had a beautiful, pet log, its name was Daisy,

I'd sit on it, and talk to it, like I was crazy,

Then one frosty, and sunny day,

A logger, took Daisy away,

I would have used her for firewood, but I'm lazy.

I'D EAT THE DOG'S AND CATS, BUT THE NEIGHBORS BEAT ME TO THEM

Prices are way high, and I can't shop for beer,

All of the good stuff, they cannot sell it here,

Can't afford chicken legs,

Forget about any eggs,

When I see a dead rat, I call that meat dear.

MY INVESTMENT STRATEGY

I invested in some stocks, and that felt crazy, nice,

I never quite realized, I was just rolling fixed dice,

I lost all of my money,

Got divorced from Sweet Honey,

The only foods I can afford, are split peas and rice.

ARNIE RENTS HIS TENT, BUSINESS

Arnie went to the park, and pitched a big tent,

He made himself rich by charging folks, a rent,

To avoid a police warning,

Armies tent came down by morning,

All the patrons thought the tent was heaven sent.

TRINA IS RAT DANCING FOR YOUTUBE CLICKS

Trina likes to Rat Dance where it's a dark and dismal, rural,

Sometimes with a dancing mink, and sometimes a dancing squirrel,

When Trina gets home,

Her mouth fills with foam,

When bit by her dancing friends, Trina gets sick, and has to hurl. 

HUMANS NEED THEIR HEAD REDESIGNED

The human face and head are shaped, so weird,😶

They're ugly, in the open, they get jeered,👎

An alien face,👍

One born in outer space,🌟

Is a lot prettier, so I have heared.👽

CARTER THE ROCKETEER, SWEET DREAMS OLD CHAP

Carter got a degree in rockets, so he could sail them into the sky,

Carter used only dynamite for fuel, and it propelled the pieces, high,

Carter dreamed his pieces would reach Mars,

Then maybe pass by some distant stars,

When dear Carter's fuel blew him away, the coroner wondered, how and why?

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T EAT IT

My little brother is psychotic, bad,

He picked his nose at the store, nasty lad,

Brother wiped boogs from his nose, 

Across his newly, cleaned clothes,

That embarrassed to tears, both mom and dad.

TRINA AND THE WHOPPER WOOLY

Trina got some brand new, pink shoes that fit her tiny, little feet,

Mom packed Trina a sack lunch, so she could stuff her small face and eat,

Trina had a bully,

Her name, Whopper Wooly,

Trina gave Wooly her lunch each day,  to avoid a whopper, beat.

TRINA AND THE FIZZY DRINK

My big sister, Trina, wanted me to get her a fizzy drink,

I just scooped up some soapy water, from the bottom of the sink,

She sipped some fizzy, and well,

The sink bottom, I now dwell,

The worst thing is the garbage disposal,  it makes a big, loud clink.

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I'M THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME, FISHES

Tammy let everyone know that she was a G.O.A.T

The greatest of all time, at sailing a sailing boat,

Her jealous brother, Doug,

Pulled her big, sailboat plug,

Tammy sank down to Poseidon, and that's all she wrote.

KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN, OR THE BEDBUGS WILL GET YOU!

Sammy had little, baby bedbugs maturing in his nose,

All the neighbors would get bedbugs, upon a Sammy expose,

Sammy spread bedbugs near and far,

He drove them around, in his car,

When Sammy died from bedbug bites, they spread through Sammy's used clothes.

I ENTERTAIN WITH MY LIPS

I was up on the main stage, showing off my whistling ways,

I whistle real good, and at major concert venues, it pays,

I whistled, "Sweet Mary From Pike",

That's a tune, they usually like,

This audience was grumpy, because of technical delays.

WORT PICKERS SUBJECT TO FINES AND JAIL

Jimmy picked at his oozing, purple, hairy wart,

That got him arrested, and a day in night court,

Jimmy flubbed his  case,

His defense, no base,

Jimmy went to jail, under a police escort.

CLAY CROCKING THE STEW

I read one cooking book every day,

Mostly, on cooking in pots made of clay,

When I crock cook my stew,

I will share some with you,

The best meat for the crock stew, is blue jay.

TRINA TRIED TO RAT DANCE

Trina tried to do the Rat Dance, with her little sister Sue,

They danced too close together, and knocked each other black and blue,

The sisters were hurt and sad,

Mommy was not at all mad,

Mommy showed them how to Rat Dance, and the Rat Dance she did rule.

RAT DANCE, I TRIED

I watched a rat dance; figured it was too much for me,

There was too much fast movement, and sort of silly,

I gave it a real try,

Broke my hip, bruised my thigh,

I had a big rat crash, and it was a dilly.

MY SHOE GARDEN

I had a cabbage, growing in my tennis shoe,

That a cabbage could grow there, I just never knew,

It started crowding my toes,

I picked it, and had it froze,

In the deep freezer, I'll save the cabbage for stew.

BLOODSHOT: A VAMPIRE LIMERICK

Late at night, something scratched at my window, while I laid in bed,

I ignored it for a while, then it was scratching on my head,

It was a vampire rousing my veins,

He drank the blood headed into my brains,

Everyone at work next day, said my eyes were bloodshot red.

IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND WEEVIL

The weevil in my veggie garden, is eating off the leaves,

He eats the fleshy greens, and across the many plants, he weaves,

He's fast at work,

That little jerk,

He thinks he is really smart, because he knows it's me, he peeves.

THE BIG RACCOON ATE SUPPER

The raccoon and I knew that the near future would reveal,

Which one of us would become the other's evening meal,

I through hard fists in the fight,

The raccoon did scratch and bite,

After supper, the racoon said I was tender, like veal.

LOSING IT AT THE GYM

My buddy ate two pounds of tasty, dried plum,

I told my buddy, he should only eat some,

It was at the local town gym,

My bud lost all foods, within him,

Buddy got banned for spreading poop like a bum.

PETER POTATO ROTS

There is this big bad potato, his real name is Pete,

He stinks so darn bad, he's never been chosen to eat,

He is out of the potato bin,

Potato stink, is a tater sin,

Someone gave Pete the heave-ho, now he rots near the street.

MY WORLD OF WORMS

I have worms growing in my old, mushy brains,

I have worms growing in my clogged-up  heart veins,

Some tape worms from the deli,

Made a home in my belly,

I do not worry about any weight gains.

MY PARTNER AND I CONQUERED SPACE, AND RAISED MOO

We once built a space rocket, it was shaped like a shoe,

Didn't look aerodynamic, but it fly, flown and flew,

We burned it straight to Mars,

Sold electronic cars,

Then we bought us a ranch, and raised those cows that go moo.  

THE WE WALLOP WINKY

I would very often get a wallop, alongside my head,

It's the Winky family language, no words are ever said,

All is quiet as a cold, dead mouse,

In my Grandma Winky's little house,

It is where we're born, and we live, and wallop, until we're dead.

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THE BRAIN WORM TWIST

There's a big, juicy brain worm, twisting around in my head,

The kids saw it in my ear, that is when the kids all fled,

I have an anti-brain worm power,

I just have to suck on something sour,

I'll eat a dill pickle, and the worm will twist until dead.

FILLED MY SOUFFLE WITH CHERRIES, ONE SUNNY DAY

I walked down to the berry store, on one sunny day,

I needed fresh cranberries to spruce up my souffle,

They were out of cranberries,

I bought some pit filled cherries,

Once my cherries got pitted, I walked home, straight away.

TRINA AND THE POPSICLE LADY

Trina went outside, and stood in the sub-zero snowstorm,

Trina wouldn't stay inside, because she said it was too warm,

Trina forgot she was old,

Didn't know the hot from the cold,

Trina froze like a popsicle, a mid-winter storm norm.

THE UGLY, ALPHA RODENT

There is a big ugly, alpha mouse,

He's the biggest mouse inside my house,

He consumed my dried berries,

Sucked the pits from my cherries,

Lately, he has been dating my spouse.

THE CLERK WENT BOBBER FISHING

There is no stuff on the shelves at the store where I work,

Which has made very unemployed, this hourly clerk,

It's a cross-border fling,

Some tariff bling thing,

I'm going bass fishing, maybe my bobber will jerk.

THE UP 25% LIMERICK

What is this with costs going up 25%?

That is what the landlord said, he's jacking up my rent,

I can't afford the grocery store,

My kids lick their dinners off the floor,

They lick, and lick, and lick, with their tiny tongues all bent.

NEW HEAD CHIP AND A NEW NAME

When they found me, my eyes were soulless, and I was pronounced dead.

They screwed a silicon, wafer chip, deep into my brain-head,

Before I died, I was named Ernie,

But now that I'm back from my journey,

I forgot the before, I entered deaths door, now I'm called Zed.

THE OLD BAG AND THE PIPES

There once was an old piper who lived down the street,

He'd play old Scottish songs for some mead and some meat,

The piper played loud,

And old grandma Dowd,

Took out her hammer, and gave his pipe bag a beat.

SHE SLAUGHTERED HER MAN, AND DIED IN THE CAN

I once new this person, her name was Kittles Wainwright,

She worked doing trapeze flights, at the circus all night,

She fell from the sky,

Killed the ringleader guy,

She died in a prison from an infected bug bite.

I HAD TO EAT CROW, EGG

I went down to the meat market, and what was missing there?

There was a shortage of eggs to feed to my Teddy Bear,

When I got back to the house,

My Teddy Bear, my sweet spouse,

Had raided a crows nest, and served the eggs runny and rare.

GROUNDHOGS, AIN'T JUST FOR WEATHER PREDICTING

I parboil ground hog,  to make them nice and tender,

I eat too much ground hog, that is why I ain't too slender,

I deliver the ground hog meals,

To old people, from my own wheels,

For those who can't chew, I grind ground hog in a blender.

PHIL, THE GROUNDHOG IS DEAD

The chunky groundhog was attacked by a hawk,

As the big hawk ate him, she went squawk, squawk, Squawk,

His real name in life, was Phil,

He took a blood pressure pill,

I'll miss his never, ever ending, small talk.

REVENGE OF THE LAB MAN

I went to my freshman chemistry lab, and guess, what did I find?

My lab partners are idiots; they blew up the lab, now I'm blind,

So I could walk down a lane,

I was given a used cane,

I'll now, cane-tap after my partners, and cane-whack each one's behind.

FROM STRING CHEESE TO TREE BARK: MY FINANCIAL DECLINE

I went to buy some brand new string cheese,

The high price dropped me down on my knees,

Prices got high in the store,

I am now inflation poor,

I'll try eating some bark off the trees.

MY KID THE CHEF, NOT

I thought I was eating some really fine, stringy noodles,

Turns out, I was slurping the hairs of my little poodles,

I didn't have a hunch,

My kid made my lunch,

I should have opted for two blueberry, toaster strudels.

FROSTBITE, SCENT AND ROSES

Everyone in my town, has had severe frostbite of the nose,

They all had their snoggers cut off, before their high school picture pose,

Town folk aren't very nosey,

But, we still sniff the rosey,

We also, have problems standing, because the-cold bite takes our toes.