MY PIG ROAST WAS TOAST

I'm afraid I can afford only toast,😒

To feed guests at my birthday pig roast,🎂🍖

I know toast is not in fashion,👚👠🛍👔👗👖👛👜👟👞👘🕶👒🎩👢

But I'll still toast it with passion,😍

I'll serve it dry or with some butter, at most.🙁

72720

I LOST MY DEAD TODAY

My bird feeder went away,

When the tornado came today

Away went my little shack,

And my LPs, the whole stack,

No more can I rest my head,

While I listen to The Grateful Dead

A SPARKLER RUINED MY 4TH

A sparkler got caught in my hair,

It burned until my head was all bare,

I went home, ate some soup,

Then sat out on my stoop,

I was upset, and I needed some air.

KITTY GOT A SCARE FROM THE ROCKETS RED GLARE

The rockets were red glaring,

And my kitty got a scarring,

The booms shook my shack,

It collapsed, I want it back,

I'd have to say the fireworks, were a little overbearing.

7422

I LOST MY TWEETY, BUT SAVED HIS BELL

Someone launched some flying, rocket fireworks, and holy...well,

They flew threw my open window, and made a real nasty smell,

Then came a fast, roaring fire,

The damage was vast, entire,

The only thing I saved, was my pet parakeets birdseed bell.

WHAT MY POT NEEDS

I can't go to the store, oh squat!

I need a pork roast for my pot,

Plague laws keep me here,

Where fresh meat is become dear,

And, I find canned meats tasty, Hell Not!

31520

I'LL BE ALIVE, OR I'LL SLEEP FEEDING WORMS

When things look most, terribly bad,

I don't just mope around, real sad,

When things are at their worst,

I always panic first,

When it's over, I'm dead or glad.

VERBAL ABUSE AND I LEAVE

My boots are all covered with wet mud,

Walked into the house; got called a crud,

I have no real common sense,

But I took a big offence,

I left for the beer bar for some sud.

THE ALIEN WORM BRAIN INVADERS LIMERICK

Alien worms have burrowed into Jim's brain,
They control him with both pleasure and pain,
And, sometimes out of Jim's snout,
Some worms will pop out,
To scout for a new mind to train.

ZODIE THE VENGEFUL

Zodie had a temper, she'd get mad and start crushing bugs,

Sister Cindy was so nice, she spent all day giving puppies hugs,

Sister Zodie shoved Cindy down,

Sister Cindy made smile, no frown,

Sister Zodie sought revenge, filling Vinegar in Cindy's water jugs.

31324

4TH OF JULY AT THE LAKE

At the lake, Roger was roasting a pig to eat,

So I went to the lake for sweet piggy meat,

There played a two trumpet band,

As rockets launched from land,

A lake 4th Of July can't be beat.

63023

REECE'S RASPBERRIES

I ate all the raspberries, and I blamed it on my niece,

She is only two years old, and they'll leave her be, in peace,

I don't want to get the nagging,

From my  brother, who was bragging,

He picked the berries; I said were ate by his daughter, Reece. 

DOWN THE ROAD WITH CONSTIPATED JIMMY

Jimmy spooned down some hot chili chicory soup,

He added some fibre, to help Jimmy go poop,

Jimmy was driving on the road,

When his backend, did explode,

And his Batman underwear, would never recoup. 

LITTLE PETUNIA

Little Petunia grew by the sea,

Little Petunia popped flowers for me,

Then in the fall,

There were no flowers at all,

Little Petunia just ceased to be.

WHEN MY FLUTE BREAKS, I BUY A BETTER ONE

My glass Pan flute fell onto the floor,

It shattered, and would toot never more,

I stepped above my class,

Bought a flute, made from brass,

I now toot until my lips are soar.

MY FINAL ARRANGEMENTS MAY BE STRANGE

I arranged my funeral at the taxidermy place,

They promised that they'd stuff me, and put glass eyes in my face,

They're going to sell me online,

Personal checks, they will decline,

I'm hoping that they'll frill me up, and dress me in purple lace.

I VOTE TO SNOOZE.

To see how the candidates rate,👀

I stayed up to watch them debate,🍺

But I got really tired,😴

And my wait time expired,🚽

A snooze was my debate night fate.💤💤💤💤💤💤

WHAT?

My favorite word in a sentence was the noun,

Now when I hear someone's noun, I just start to frown,

I now only like verbs,

They're like hot spicy herbs,

Or a purple frilly, oversized wedding gown.

FRIENDS ALWAYS FORGIVE

My mother's name is Repunzel, and she has the most beautiful, blond hair,

Sometimes she will let it down, and it will roll to the bottom of the stair,

She married my daddy, the prince,

They've lived happily, ever since,

Sometimes the wicked witch comes by, their relationship, she tries to repair.

THE PAN FLUTER

I took music lessons from Mr. Poot,

He taught me the drums, and the Pan flute,

I had a flute embouchure,

So I went on world tour,

I got famous playing toot, toot, toot.

THE ITSY BITSY SPIDERS, GOT WASHED AWAY

Oh, the massively big momma spider, cried,

Because all of her cute babies, drowned and died,

They all washed far away,

Got buried under clay,

Momma trusted the weatherman, but he lied.

THE HORRIBLE NAIL MAN

Because of my horrible neighbor, Pat,

My four car tires went completely flat,

He took a long, steely nail,

Gave each tire an impale,

Now I can't get my groceries, oh drat.

TRAMP FOOD AND DREAMS

I have animal blood and sugar, to flavor my potato, tonight,

I do not have any so called money, but I am still eating alright,

Soon, when my belly gets big,

 I will be fat, like a pig,

I'll have to unbutton my trousers, for they will not be snug, but tight.

THE TEN DEMANDMENTS, DOWN THE TOILET

I posted 10 Demandments for each hotel guest,

So I won't have to tell them, and become a pest,

The Demandment number one,

Flush the toilet when you're done,

That one most people fail, while keeping all the rest.

AN AMPHIBIAN STOLE MY WHEELS

My bicycle is rolling down the road,

It has been stolen by a long legged toad,

The toad's name is berry,

He smells kind of scary,

The deep sewer is his humble abode.

Ten Trout

10 little rainbow trout,

Swam around and about,

They saw a big bass,

Under the log pass,

Now they're in his belly, and can't get out.

62224

BUTCHER THE BEAGLE LIKED TO EAT FLIES

Butcher the beagle liked to eat flies,
High in protein; those crunchy meat pies,
Once he chomped down on a bee,
Which made Butcher see,
When eating he should open his eyes.

112621

THE PROBLEM WITH MY ROOMMATE

I once had a problem, his name was Sid,

Sid was a bedbug, I could not get rid,

Sid would hold me real tight,

And would bite me all night,

Then early next morning, Sidney got hid.

TWO PICKLES AND A NIGHTMARE

Randy ate a pair of pickles before bed, on a dare,

But, then he tossed all night with a nasty nightmare,

From his belly Randy dreamt,

There was an exit attempt,

Out his bellybutton slipped the pickles with a pear.

52621

THE KNOT IN A FAIRYTALE.

I went to a wedding between an ogre and troll,

It was real deep in a cave, I felt like a ground mole,

Neither of them was Einstein bright,

Instead of kissing, they did bite,

They said having hundreds of kids, was their future goal.

A BUG DUG

A bug dug under my fingernail,
He bit hard and I let out a wail,
The bug dug in deep,
Which caused me to weep,
I felt better after three pints of ale.

5822

MY FEETS WERE STAINED BY BEETS

I decided to get some eats,
So, I opened a can of beets,
I spilled the juice,
It ran real loose,
And, stained purple my bare feets.     

73121

JIM MELTED AWAY

Today it got so darn hot,

It melted my friend, robot,

His name was Jim,

His hat had a long brim,

Poor Jim, I will forget, not.

ANN TEEKING

Ann Teek, divorced her mean, cheating spouse,

Used her settlement, to buy a house,

She was close to the city,

Got dates; she was quite pretty

Couldn't keep a man; she squeaked like a mouse.

TUNA IS A STATE OF MIND?

Tuna is a fish, it is not a state of mind,

I said this to a friend, he said I was unkind,

Tuna fish in the brains,

He sand, yielded great gains,

I got a new friend, who has logic I can find.

TRINA AND THE HAIR DRYER SAGA

Trina used a big hair dryer to dry her runny nose,

She burnt up her nose hairs, the ashes fell upon her clothes,

Her fancy white blouse was stained black,

So Trina slipped into her shack,

Trina changed to a clean blouse, and clipped in her hair, two bows.

MONKEYS IN THE COUP

I started raising little monkeys, out in my chicken coup,

The monkeys ate up all my chickens, and turned them into poop,

The monkeys all got free,

They came looking for me,

I think about those monkeys, when I eat monkey noodle soup.

BILLY WEARS A POMPADOUR

Billy wears a pompadour wig, upon his big bald head,

It's his favorite wig to wear, and its died a red, red,

His hair is real poofy,

His mind, very goofy,

Billy bakes the best potty pies, and keeps the family fed.

PLANNING FOR BACON AND FRIENDS

I went outside and saw the great blue sky,

I watched my neighbor's, big, fat piggies fly, 

I hoped one would crash,

Then its body I'd stash,

And have a neighborhood, thick bacon fry.

CATCH ME AFTER I DIRT NAP

I was called a turnip, because I never pay my bills,

You can't get blood out of a turnip, so chew some chill pills,

Paying bills is never my style,

So put me in the past due file,

No use billing me; until I'm in my grave, for a while.

I THINK WE CELEBRATED WITH SAM

I use to have a pony, and his name was Sam,

One day Sam disappeared; the day ma fixed a ham,

It was one glorious beast,

The ham was our Christmas feast,

We all got bloated guts, especially, aunt Pam.

SAMMY PLAYS AND LIVES THE BLUES

I once knew a heaping pig, and his name was Sammy Tews,

He played electric guitar, but only rhythm and blues,

Sammy played real well,

All the neighbors, done tell,

But he violated copywrite, now he gets sues.

THE SQUIRREL TALE

Jeb and Joey were two squirrels, who lived way up in a tree,

They were very happy sharing their nuts, while watching tv,

But something went real foul,

When along came the owl,

And chewed Joey chunks, fed the owl little babies, during tea.

CHICKEN TASTES LIKE TUNA, AND HAM, I'M NOT SURE YET

I opened a small can that said "Chicken Of The Sea",

It tasted mostly like, some old tuna fish to me,

The taste haunts my puckered mouth,

From up north to the down south,

Next, I'm eating canned ham, but what flavor will that be?

BREAKFAST OF THE BLUEBERRY LOSER

My fresh blueberries, they all ran away,

I had saved them for my cereal day,

My cereal tastes like straw,

And someone's chewed chaw,

And it's gritty, and chews just like hard clay.

THE LAW AND BEAVER MARGOT

Margot was a busy beaver, and she was busy every day,

Blocking up the Tobacco River, so all the water, it would stay,

After chewing on the trees,

They fell where Margot, did please,

The local sheriff used some dynamite, and the water went away.

IT IS HARD TO GET SKINNY EATING STARCHES AND FAT

Don eats four fruits and a vegetable each day,

Donny keeps his bowels cleared out, that simple way,

French Fries and buttered toast,

Don likes the very most,

Therefore 700 pounds, Don will always weigh.

LIFE? UNDERGROUND

My spider buddy and me were real tight,

Spider still gave me a painful big bite,

The next thing that I knew,

I was lifeless and blue,

Then I was buried real deep, out of sight.

WHEN I LIE I PROMISE YOU

The only time I will tell a lie,

Is when I make a promise, guy,

For in life's great big scheme,

A truth is so easy to dream,

Not to promise is hard to explain, why.

BROKEN SKI AND CHEEKS

Jim's jet ski crashed on a rock, by the shore,

His jet ski, he can ride it, never more,

It's messy, it's bad,

Terminated, sad,

Jim's lower checks are injured, very sore. 

SOMEONE'S EATING MY SWEET CUPS

I got raided by porch pirates today,

They grabbed my sealed boxes, and sped away,

They live next door,

On the second floor,

And eat peanut butter cups from eBay. 

CAVITY EMPTOR

Mickey's nice teeth had all cavitised,

The dentist pulled them all, no surprise,

Now Mickey chews with his gums,

Has gas in his tummy tums,

And all dentist, he doth despise. 

,

PHIL AND THE INFESTATION

Phil had bugs in his clothes, and up his nose,

The bad bugs gave Phil the itchiness woes,

Phil ripped his clothes clean off,

Blew his nose, then a cough,

Phil built a fire, and burned up his foes.

THE SWEETCORN-FISHY

Kenny had a really big fish,

Benny had a can of sweetcorn,

They made a sweetcorn-fishy dish,

But chowed upon pudding til morn.

NICE SPOONING, PHIL

Phillip Sparkle played some old giddy, show tunes,

On his brand new set of silver plated spoons,

He played most of the day,

Till sunshine went away,

Then Phil ate a plate full of sweet macaroons.

ZEBRA APPLE PEE AIN'T FOR ME

I looked out my back window and I did see,

A zebra eating fruit from my apple tree,

He then sprayed the a-tree,

With gallons of z-pee,

I couldn't eat those apples, I just sipped my tea.

MURPHY HAS A GLOW

Mr. Murphy has a unique nose,

Although he's fifty, it still grows,

At a boxing event,

He got his big nose bent,

And after the pub, his nose glows.

THE PIXIE TRANSPORTATION PROBLEM

There was a little pixie named Mike,

He traveled my porch riding a bike,

Riding bike was the sin,

That caused the porch to cave in,

Now when Mike goes anywhere, he must hike.

UN-RETIREMENT

I once retired,

Soon in debt, I mired,

The kids, food they required,

A really warm home, I desired,

Back working, caffeinated and wired.

THE CHURCH MOUSE ATTACK

The mouse fell from the church ceiling onto my back,

It squeaked really loud, and gave a big heart attack,

I got whisked straight away,

For a hospital stay,

Although, funds and health insurance, I sadly lack.