THE TOMATO JUICE PHILOSOPHER

I went and bought tomato juice, and drank it from the jar,

I got pulled over by the police, for drink-driving my car,

I could not make bail,

Spent twenty years in jail,

Wife left me for a donut maker; my, ain't life bizarre

I KISSED A BLUE DRAGON

I kissed a blue dragon, and it stung me on the lips,

I swear that the poison went straight to my hips,

It hurt my hips bad,

My eyes teared up sad,

Now I drink with a straw: the only way I get sips.

THERE ONCE WAS A TALENTED OTTER LIMERICK

There once was a talented otter,
He worked as a spinning wheel clay potter,
His kiln blew up one day,
And his house burned away,
He had tried making his kiln burn much hotter.

102723

VAMPIRE POEM

In the distance between the days,
A Vampire was born,
He lived in visual night and haze,
A prince whom many scorn,

Those that journey out into the night,
Where the prince of vampires waits,
Must know he's there not for the fright,
It's the blood that satiates.

Blood drawn deep down from the neck,
By demons made long ago,
Creatures not fit for heaven or heck,
Unloved, undead they know.

Vengeance is a lonely child,
Kept pregnant deep within,
When let loose it's mind is wild,
The base of original sin.

9921

PETER VOWS, BREAKS AND CRACKS

It was Pete's destiny to fall out of his bed,

Break three major ribs, and put a crack in his head,

It was the first day in May,

Pete's announced, big wedding day,

Pete made it to church, where wedding vows were well said.

WHAT KIND OF DANCING DID DOH DAH DO?

Doh Dah was a dancer up in Canada, Sault Ste. Marie,

Every time Doh Dah danced, the police came to arrest, he,

Doh Dah had a club,

He leased as a sub,

It violated zoning laws, so Doh Dah was seldom free.

MUTINY IN THE STEW

I went fishing for a dogfish,

But, all I caught was another log-fish,

So, I fed my crew,

Some log-fish stew,

They mutinied after a sword swish.

MARTY THE SMARTY WANTS YOU FOR DINNER

Marty the great physicist, was a mathematics big deal,

But none of his equations, could predict what was real and unreal,

It racked Marty in his big brain,

He became completely insane,

His conviction for cannibalism, is in court on appeal.

YOU CAN WADDLE FOR FREE

My bicycle got ran over by a big truck,

A good fix would cost me many a saw buck,

My bike's in the trash,

I saved lots of cash,

Now I just walk, more like waddle, like a duck.

I DON'T FEED THE LIONS, MAYBE?

When I see a nasty old mountain lion, I run fast away,

When I get back to my crumbling shack, in my shack I all day stay,

Mountain lions love to bite,

Then haul your caucus off site,

Lions feed you to their kitties, so they grow up to hunt one day.

3824

THAT GNOME GAVE ME RABIES

I went to the woods to find firewood for home,
There I met a mean, nasty, evil old gnome,
I'm not sure which was worse,
His bite or his curse,
I got rabies and my mouth is starting to foam.

51722

DON'T VISIT OFF WORLDERS, UNLESS YOU'RE INVITED

My big brother was vaporized, out in space,

He went calling there, upon an alien race,

There was a picture pattern,

Way out on planet Saturn,

But the aliens didn't like my brother's face.

PET DRAGONS EAT PEASANTS AND NOBLES

My big pet dragon, he just eats and he eats,

Dragon eats one peasant, and then he repeats,

I'm running out of my peasants,

He won't eat cows, pigs or pheasants,

I fear he'll eye me, and my family, as meats.

3724

THE SIMPLE WINNER

I won a set of new screwdrivers at the bingo hall,

I was so excited, when I got that last number call,

My porch has a loose board,

Now if a screw, I could afford?

I could stand on the board, and stand there real tall.

THE HARPSICHORD BLUES

When I play music on the harpsichord,

Everyone's closed eyes, look terribly bored,

My notes don't fly,

I try and try,

At competition, I win no award.

MY FINGERS MAKE ME LOOK SMART

I have a superpower, called arithmetic,

I can sum and subtract really quick,

I use fingers and toes,

For hard math problem foes,

That's my superpower super trick.

DINOSAURS DO NOT MAKE GOOD PETS (A CAUTIONARY TALE)

I went back in time to get a baby pet dinosaur,

I brought back an egg, and thought I had made quite a score,

My dino pet grew gigantic,

Ate all my groceries, became frantic,

He then chewed and swallowed me, because he wanted more.

PP05092022

WEREWOLF

I went into the woody woods,
Late one Autumn eve,
For there had been werewolf reports,
So I took investigative leave,

As a reporter I didn't like to lie,
But, in the forest I lay down,
To wait for that canine sigh,
When the werewolf comes around,

I had walked in on an old two track trail,
Where lumberman chopped down mighty beast,
I was hoping while I laid me down,
I would not be a main menue werewolf feast.

52711

KING BEN

Way far back in the year CE ten,

We were conquered, destroyed by King Ben,

We thought we were burnt toast,

But were cut into roasts,

We then fed all of King Benny's men.

THE ART CRITICISM OF BIRDS

Villagers made my likeness, a statue, and they set it outside,

That was a such fantastic honor, a stimulus for my pride,

The birds came forward day one,

Left their white drippings, a ton,

That started my enemies laughing; in the next village I hide.

RECKONING BY THE ELVES

My kitty likes to tear, rip and shred, elves into small parts,

So on Christmas Day,  we just get one wrapped box, full of farts,

Real bad it makes us feel,

It ruins our Christmas meal,

So we go to the store, and play race with shopping carts.

JUSTIN AND RALPH: THE TEDDY BEARS AND KITTY

Justin was a cute teddy bear, who lived on my top bookshelf,

Justin was so sad, because he lost his best friend, Teddy Ralph,

Teddy Ralph fell to the floor,

Eight shelves down, and what's more,

Kitty ripped Teddy Ralph to shreds, believing he was an elf.  (Stupid Kitty)

DADDY PLAYS BANJO WITH THE ANGELS

Daddy never said goodbye that day,

When daddy took his banjo away,

He left no kiss for ma,

Or beer for grandpa,

If I had known, I'd have begged him to stay.

SOMEONE IS STEALING MY KIPPERS AND CHIPS

Don't care if online I'm hacked, but they hacked my potato chips,

Then they got into my cupboard, and stole some canned fish kips.

I spend my money to dine,

Have no money for online,

I opened up my fridge, and someone stole my kip, chip dips.

SOMEONE STINKS

At work Steve always wore a mask,

Even to do a simple task,

His workmate, Punk,

Smelled worse than skunk,

In wretched aromas, Punk did bask.

JIMMY DRESSED FOR SPORT

Jimmy played several sports,

He would always wear sport shorts,

His clothes were green,

Stayed mostly clean,

He wore white on tennis courts.

DEMON FOOD, THANKS FRED

A witch put a horrible curse upon my goldfish, Fred,

Turned Fred into a gator, and Fred tried to eat me dead,

Although I tried to beg,

Fred chewed off my left leg,

Fred let me bleed, until the Devil's demons, my soul fed.

MY DOG AND TONY SHOW

My dog was looking thin and bony,

So I fed him some macaroni, 

I took him to see his dog friend, Tony,

I think their friendship is kind of phony,

They love to watch My Little Pony.   

  

I WENT CLANGING DOWN THE HIGHWAY

I drove my pickup down the highway, while it made a clanging noise,

I drove it to the mechanic shop, called Big Jobs At Little Roy's,

My transmission was repaired,

Even the tires got re-aired,

I wrote Roy's a nice fat check, then used the toilet, marked Little Boys.

THE GAMMA LAND MAZE

When a tree crushed my mobile home, I was homeless many days,

I moved into a cave that turned out, was a billionaire's play maze,

He filled the big maze with creepy creatures,

The kind you find in horror film features,

I defended myself with a gun that shot deadly gamma rays.

BOY BOT BAND BREAKUP

There was a group of boy bots, and they sang in tight harmony,

They learned perfect notes and rhythms, from the AI program Glee,

They sang romantic to the soul,

Melting fans hearts, their single goal,

One day the boys all got broken, when their tour bus hit a tree.

MY FLOWER GARDEN SONG

My arbutus looks so very pretty,

Sitting in my garden in mid-city,

Then there is my daisy,

All flopped over crazy,

Then there is rose, my prickly old bitty.   

FOUR STONE WALLS AND A PEACH

My city had four stone walls, that were tall and hard to breach,

In front of my  city, was a long, golden, sandy beach,

My city showed it had power,

When it built a tall clock tower,

Every time the loud chimes ring, my old fruit tree drops a peach.

BEN QUITS AND KNITS

Deary Ben gave up on life, and he totally quit,

Then he just sat in a chair, and he knit and he knit,

He knitted me sneakers,

But they were real leakers,

Ben knitted me a stocking hat, and that was a hit.

030224

END OF TGHE WORLD

I have shortwave radio, for the end of the world,

I have plenty of gold and silver bars, squirreled,

I have potted meat,

Plenty to eat,

And a surrender flag; I fly unfurled. 

3324

THE HILL OF THE BIG, BAD BOULDER

The enormous, big, bad boulder, came rolling down the hill,

It took out my camper, it was a total camper kill,

I had not any place to stay,

Slept in my sleep bag on hard clay,

I was in both grief and pain, but had no aspirin pill.

TOO SOON FOR ITCHY SKIN

I got bit by three gigantic skeeters today,

It's March; skeeters shouldn't be out until late in May,

Now, I am all itchy,

My tude has been witchy,

I need itch ointment, or I'll scratch my skin away.

3224

WHAT A BOTHER ARE BOTS

My only friends on the internet and, this really rots,😖

Is an amalgamation of spyware iconed as "bots," 🤖🤖🤖

They pretend to be friend,💐

Turn me in at the end,🚳🚭🚯🛃

You can't trust them:  those little snots.💻📡

7520

CLANCY LEARNED WINE MAKING IN PRISON

Clancy made some of his famous prison toilet wine,

He forgot to flush the toilet; it was not fine,

The wine had little floaters,

Mostly, they were brown coaters,

So I didn't drink so much, when at Clancy's I did dine.

030124

SHERRY POOFY HAIR

Sherry Little Toes, liked to read her small classy, fancy books,

Sherry had real little fingers, and a little pan that cooks,

Sherry loved to fry dead fish,

With a potato side dish,

Sherry had a boyfriend, because poofy hair gave her good looks.

ON THE FIRST DAY OF MARCH

It is the 1st day of March, and my driveway is really sloppy,

When my pickup rolls over it, my pickup goes bippy boppy

I said to the kids I was trying,

While in the back seat they are flying,

Then in the mud we start sinking, and there goes down my jalopy. 

THE PATHS ON MY CARPET

The paths on my carpet grow deep and grow large,
It's like someone leads daily a cavalry charge,
And, whatever is led,
Smells at least six months dead,
Now I'm being evicted by my landlady, Marge.

041723

JAWS OF THE FERRELL GOLDFISH

I use to buy goldfish, and set them free in the bay,

All was just completely fine, until one sunny day,

I was fishing for big perch,

Behind the boat there did lurch, 

A ninety foot goldfish, it ate me and swam away.

22424

FIGARO ON A STRING

I had a stuffed Teddy bear with a very long string,

And, when I'd pull it the full Figaro Opera he'd sing,

But, he wasn't all that,

For, he sang a bit flat,

So, I traded him for a fake diamond ring.

82521

THE BIG PEEPER BUGS

I woke up from the world of nighttime sleepers,

Just to see several dozen tiny creepers,

They were a green bug,

That crawled out of my rug,

They looked up at my face, with cute, big, black peepers.

22924

BRAIN PUDDING

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite,
I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit,
Ideas, my mind can't hold,
My brains are pudding I've been told,
But, I'm not the one having a fit.

6718

UNHEALTHY LIVING LIMERICK

Mark ate pigs-feet for his dinner meal,
They were greasy which was the appeal,
Eating lean, like turkey,
Is not that tasty,
Like pigs-feet and corn-fed fat veal.

123121

SHOPPING IN A SNOW STORM POEM

I went downtown to do some shopping,
While all around the snow was plopping,
The night was dark and wind was cold,
I was the only being both brave and bold,

Unfortunately, a dilemma was posed,
Every store I went to due to weather was closed,
At every shop I yanked at the door,
It would not open; no one in the store,

I finally decided to drive my car home,
But, the snow was so thick I got stuck in white foam,
I then walked but got flustered when I couldn't find my street,
I then gave-up and sat down feeling drowned in defeat,

As I bathed in self pity along came the snow plow,
It lifted me up in the air as I said “holy cow,”
It was strange that it took me to my residence,
It deposited me gently behind my picket fence,

I waved bye to the snowplow fading into the night,
My horrendous adventure put things in new light,
So, if shopping you go when the snow's badly blowing,
Drive very careful and buy insurance for towing.

LEAP YEAR INSANITY

We are having another Leap Year, and it's driving me insane,

All these Leap Year stress emotions, are doing flip flops with my brain,

Do I set my clocks ahead?

Should I set them back instead?

While driving down the road, should I be in the right or the left lane?

KABOOM JACK IS BACK IN SPIRIT.

Jack was in a real dark room, and smelled foul gas, greatly leaking,

Jack decided to light up a match, to go gas leak seeking,

Jack lit up the room,

KABOOMADY BOOM! 

Now at a weekly seance, through mediums, Jack is speaking.

22824

MY SPACE TRAVEL ADVENTURE

I was in my spacecraft, traveling at the speed of light,

I should have installed some headlamps, so I could see at night,

I ran into a saber-toothed space-bear,

Cracked open my ship, and leaked out my air,

Space bear will eat me, and I do not think it is alright.

THE CHOO CHOO CRUSHED MY PLANE

My little plane got hit by a chocho train, and my plane got all messed up,

I was not able to make it home tonight, and I did not get my sup,

I got a ticket and went to jail,

There I will stay; I cannot make bail,

I just hope I can fix my plane, so I can fly up, up, up, up.

SMELL INTERPRETATION

I love to dumpster dive, because I like the smells,

Things that are really smelly, have their special tells,

The things that smell awfully sour,

Belonged to people of power,

And farmy smells, belonged to farmers in the dells. 

ATTACK OF THE WOLVERINE

The vicious wolverine bit off my middle toe,

I doubt I can get another mid-toe to grow,

He ripped out my lungs and face,

Fast, like he was in a race,

He ran off with my spleen, dragging it through the snow,

THE BEAST OF SUMER VALLEY

The beast that lives in Sumer Valley,

Eats the peasants, quite a tally,

He will jelly them for toast,

Or for dinner, a lamb roast,

With pitchforks and torches, the peasants will rally.

I DON'T GROW PLANTS TO FREEZE

I am hoping spring will get here real soon,

I've started seeds growing, to plant in June,

If it's too cold,

My plants, I'm told,

Will freeze to death, with the rising new moon.

THE THREE TASTY TROLLS AND THE DRAGON

There were three evil trolls way out in the deep woods,

They were snacking on good Little Red Riding Hoods,

A hungry dragon was flying,

Thought the evil trolls worth trying,

Sometimes dragons do evils, sometimes they do goods.

SIS THE WEASEL LIMERICK

There once was a mean weasel named Sis,
If you came near, she would start to hiss,
When Sis was a wee babe,
She was bit by brother Gabe,
Sis was a weasel that no one dared kiss.

121723  

SOUP ON MY CINNAMON ROLL, YUCKY

Eating soup was my goal,

Bought a plastic bowel,

Did not see it had a hole,

On my food it took a toll,

Got wet my cinnamon roll.

22724

MISDEMEANOR BOB WITHOUT BAIL

Bob went to court, and a very mean judge was there,

Bob smiled real pretty, but that judge did not care,

Bob had no money for bail, 

So, he went to county jail,

They furnished Bob a jumpsuit, but no underwear.