THE CORN MOON BANCHEE

The Corn Moon rises up into the September sky,

Forest monsters are dancing, and weird pumpkins, they fly,

The great pigs we baste and roast,

Feeding any passing ghost,

While just this side of the Moore's, there's a lone banshe cry.

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FROM DUST TO DILL

 Before the quaint, horse drawn wagon, climbed the old mill road hill,

It was loaded with dry, ancient saw dust, from the old mill,

For apartments, the mill property had been acquired,

All the employees, young and old,  were instantly fired,

The last asset, saw dust, was bought by a farm, growing dill.

FEEDING BIRDS HAIKU

Garden, Spading, Worms,
Birds, Squirmy, Meals, Yummy, Good,
Mowing Lawn, Bugs, Birds.

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TAP DANCE PEG

Beautiful Banjo Bob had a knobby, hardwood, beech, peg leg,   

It did not line up with his foot, so his walking was irreg,

When he was on the tap dance floor,

His fans would cheer and yell, "encore", 

Banjo Bob always did encores, when his audience would beg

A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON NAMED BOB

A fire breathing dragon named bob,
Would only eat corn on the cob,
What he liked most?
Was to give it a toast,
Then scarf the corn down like a slob.

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DATES: A NATURAL PERFORMANCE ENHANCING FOOD, FOR POGO STICKING

 Big Hank, he be nimble on the competitive pogo stick,

Hank's massive body will pogo down hard, then bounces up quick,

Hank fuels up with dried, dates,

Sticky dates on porcelain plates,

Hank will pogo all day long, while his sticky fingers, he'll lick.

WILLOW WOOD IN THE RASPBERRIES

 There was a willow growing in my raspberries, and it was getting real big,

I went and sharpened my best shovel, and for the roots, I began to deep dig,

The tangled roots, I chopped out,

Filled the hole, and drank a stout,

I cut the whole tree into firewood, and next summer it will roast my pig.

HAMELET THE DIPSY DIVER SWIMS FAST

Hamlet was a shy dipsy diver bug,
He'd dive if he caught a glimpse of your mug,
He'd swim ten foot away,
Before you could say,
"He must use a performance enhancing drug."

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GROCERY DIRECT

 My groceries were delivered, direct from the big store,

Some pops were broken open, and that made me really sore,

The pop soaked my cheddar cheese,

That brought me to my bare knees,

And, the pop soaked into my breads, now my breads are no more.

HALLOWEEN EGGS

 My teacher, the incredible, Mr. Bells,

Teaches hypnosis, conjuring and spells,

He turned me into a pheasant,

That was not very pleasant,

I laid chocolate eggs, filled with red jells.

TORMENTED BY THE BLUE FOG FARIES

There be a clan of fairies, who live down by the bog,

They buzz around my head, in nights pitch thick, with blue fog,

They have pulled out much of my hair,

I've got bald spots, everywhere,

Once home, I kill the sharp pains, with two pints of red grog.  

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TRY A TIRE MIX FOR YOUR NEXT DINNER PARTY

I was told my cousin had food from a beast,

So, I went to Grayling for the great feast,

It was a rodent from the road,

Tire mixed with a toad,

And, some snake which I liked the least.

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IN CAME THE WATER AND DOWN WENT THE FLOOR

I bought a trailer between a river and a lake,

The property flooded and I had water intake,

Finally, the water left out the door,

But, caved in went the floor,

Methinks my property buy a mistake.

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FISHING IN THE NOW AND CLEANING DIRTY HANDS

My bucket is full of minnows, and my can is full of worms,

My lunchbox is full of candy; my hands are covered with germs,

I am fishing in my boat,

Eating candy while afloat,

I wash my hands off in the lake; they are clean, my eye confirms.

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MY GUPPY HAD BABIES

My guppy had babies; it's so very nice to see,

She'll go back to her friends when she leaves maternity,

The babies move slow,

But, they'll be safe and can grow,

For mamas are hungry and can get quite naughty.  

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SOMEONE ATE MY CHICKENS LIMERICK

Someone ate all of my chickens last night,
The only trace found were feathers, all white,
It must be the bear,
He left his tracks there,
And, he gave my truck tires a bite.  

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APPLES IS FOR PIGS, PIGS IS FOR DINOSAURS

My dinosaur was accused of eating the neighbor's apple pie,

But, my dinosaur is a carnivore, and eating fruit ain't fly,

Now my dino sits in jail,

I got no money for his bail,

I hope they feed him lots of pigs, without pig meat he will cry.

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THE CLOWN WITH GINGIVITIS

The happy fat clown had gingivitis,
His smile could no longer delight us,
He was fired today,
Given no severance pay,
On the way out, he tried to bite us.

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FARE THEE WELL MY PUMPKIN PATCH

Fare thee well my Pumpkin Patch,

May you  grow pumpkins that I might hatch,

So that I might take the seeds,

For on such yields my family feeds,

And, some seeds to sow next season's batch. 

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SAGA OF THE NINETY-NINE MINNOWS

Ninety-nine minnows swam way out to sea,
Then along came a shark, and then there were three,
Out of those ninety-nine minnows, three swam back toward the shore,
Then, along came a bass, and he ate one more,
The last two little minnows decided to date,
They made ninety-nine minnows, and I caught them for

 bait. 

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12 SKUNKIES

 Twelve skunks moved to Midland Michigan, from a town called Montreal,

They all moved to Michigan, because hula hooping was their call,

In Michigan, we hula hoop,

Some folks skipping, both food and poop,

These twelve skunks, will fit in, so we'll let them hula hoop, through our mall.

GRADUATE AND FIND OUT

I went to a senior party, near the lake, and the piers,

We built a big fire, so we'd have light to find our beers,

It was long past our graduation day,

But, we were not happy, in any way,

We were now all done with school, and had unemployment fears.

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FISH TONS AND NOT TO BE

How many, many tons of salty fish, are in the whole sea?

That was the question that really bothered, the brain cells in me,

I couldn't sleep at night,

My fingernails, I'd bite,

Then when I died,  the question was what is meant by not to be?

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THREE LITTLE GRAY MICE LIMERICK

There once were three little gray mice,
They tunneled deep beneath the ice,
They ran into a red fox,
Who liked mice with his lox,
He served them in a side dish with rice.

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TRINA'S NEW, FUN HOBBY

 Trina walked on the shore, picking up dead, stinky fish, pee-you,

She left one in her mommy's new car, and daddy's pickup, too,

She left one under brother's bed,

He did not notice, enough said,

She fed the worst one to her cat, it was just bones, scales and goo.

BFF BLUE PIG

My bestie, blue pig, got all covered with the mud,

I set him down in a tub of hot soapy sud,

He let on a big, loud squeal,

Like a braked Chevy wheel,

The water was too hot, and boiled my best bud.

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TENT CAMPING WITH TILDA

Tilda the Tent kept everyone warm,

Tilda kept heads dry during the thunderstorm,

The lightning came free,

Striking both tent posts and me,

Tilda the tent was now in rag form.

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WHEN I MET AN AMOEBA MONSTER LIMERICK

I had a really bad, bad fright,
It was a weird monster I met one night,
It was a green Amoeba,
It's name was Reba,
I think my eyeballs weren't screwed in right. 

12823

THE CASE OF THE CRACK IN SPACE

When I was trekking out in deep, dark space,

My spacecraft battery got a crack in its case,

But, all was just fine,

I ordered a new one online,

It was delivered the next day, Ace! 

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THIS IS THE LAST YEAR, I'M GOING SURFING IN THE FALL

Today, I went Fall surfing, and ooh, the water, it was so cold,

I progressed along my age timeline, 100 years; I feel old,

Now I have a big, healthy cough,

It's pneumonia; I feel off,

I've just been measured for a casket, and I'm told my house is sold.

FAT CALORIES ARE BETTER THAN NO CALORIES

 I went to the grocery store, hoped to buy a giant can of beans,

I've got 15, very heavy kids to feed, and 9 of them are teens,

I was ready to load my van,

But, the store only had one can,

I fried the beans in chicken fat; the kids will have to live within means..

GOURD SEASON IS UPON US

 I went out to my fall squash garden, and picked my precious gourds,

The bad ones will fatten my pigs, the good ones, I'll dry and hoards,

When they are dried hard and clean,

I'll sell them at Halloween,

Last year at the Fall Festival, I won the most gourd awards.

JIMMY AND THE WINTER BURST

There was a twisting snownado that froze Jimmy's pipes,

The family couldn't flush the toilet, after their wipes,

It all made Jimmy mad,

His pipes froze, really bad,

Then all of his pipes burst, and his family had gripes.

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TRANSPORTATION WOES

My used, old car broke down, while I traveled the highway today,

It's underneath an overpass, where it will forever stay,

Someone might steal it for parts,

Then sell the parts to car marts,

I cannot afford a new car, so it's bus riding each way.

DENISE AND BACON LIMERICKS

There was a girl named Denise,
Her favorite food was bacon grease,
As for the bacon,
She found it chewy and forsaken,
But, the tasty aspects of grease gave her peace.

Denise loved her bacon grease, it is true,
She liked to sniff it like model airplane glue,
With her sister's she'd wage war,
During breakfast and times more,
Denise loved bacon grease, rancid or new.

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BEARS IN THE BACK WOODS DRIVE

Four Teddy bears in a Lamborghini, went out back roads, cruising,

The car ran off the road and crashed, because the driver was snoozing,

When the Lamborghini hit a tree,

The doors popped open; bears were free,

They were all found safe and sound, an glad the cops caught no one boozing.

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MY FLUGELHORN PAID FOR RENT AND FOOD

All I want for Christmas is a brand new flugelhorn,

A truck ran over my old one, and made my horn unborn,

I play my horn at the corner and get tossed one cent,

When I get enough pennies, I go and pay my rent,

If I have money left over, I can sup on canned cream corn.

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RED LIKES A COLD BED

There was a red planet, way, way up in the sky,

By the blue planet, sometimes it made a flyby,

It didn't stay there too long,

Because blue had it wrong,

Further out from the sun was the best place to lie.

THE WALKING CAREER DAY

I once worked in a factory, and oh, what a bore,

I once checked out groceries at a grocery store,

I worked in cable news,

Got hooked on the booze,

I now bounce people like me, out a taverns backdoor.

WHAT I'VE DONE SINCE COLLEGE

I studied corporate finance, also quantum physics too,

I got a job in banking, managed money, for people like you,

Then the securities market tanked

My security licence was yanked,

Now I'm in a federal prison, but I got a window view.

THE GUESTS AT MY BED AND DINNER

It got so cold, I asked the rats to snuggle in,

In my creaky bed with the bedbugs, and my gin,

We were all warm and cozy,

While the outside got snowzy,

Next day, I ate the rats for my six o'clock din.

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WHEN THE BEAR POUND, I GO UNDERGROUND

I heard a loud pound, pound, pounding on my door in back,

It was a grizzly bear, wanting his afternoon snack,

The old grizzly wanted me,

To digest in his belly,

I hid in the basement, because courage I did lack.

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THE OLD MAN IN THE SHOE WILL PAINT YOUR BOUEY

My full name is Little Uncle Huey,

I live in  a old beer stinker, shoey,

I have lived here for lots of years,

Raised a family; many tears,

I'll paint a Monet on your bouey.

FLYING PIG LIMERICK

Everyone wonders "when pigs fly?,"

I happen to know it’s on the 4th of July,,

They strap on firecrackers that night,

Then, they light them and fly out of sight, 

When the bombs burst, bacon falls from the sky. 

92123

  

ONLINE TUNA FISH AND HOMEMADE WINE

I ordered some tuna fish, online,

I opened the can and it smelled fine,

I ate it and drank homemade red wine,

I got gassy bubbles, a bad sign,

They buried me in a box; white pine.

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MY TRAVELS ABROAD, 1962

I went down to New Zealand to see what was new,

The waves were real splashy, and the water was blue,

There were giant mountains on Cook,

I took a panoramic look,

Back home, I took days to rest; I needed a few.

THE BULLIES AND MY CRINGE

They were so mean and so nasty, that I did a cringe,

Then I went on a big tater tot consumption binge,

They said I'm squishy like a toad,

Smell like something dead on the road,

Then I lit up a cigar, just to poke their coats a singe. 

The family wanted me to treat,

By paying for a burger-fries eat,

But they are full of vicious deceit,

They never can lift the toilet seat,

So no to treat of taters and meat.  

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THE FAMILY MORTGAGE PROBLEM

I lost my home because of mortgage debt, now the wife and kids are gone,

They're really super mad at me, because all their stuff I had to pawn,

They're ignorant snowflakes,

What daddy buys, sometimes he takes,

They should have stayed with me in our tent, and I'd make them pancakes at dawn.

STROBING MAKES EYEBALLS REALLY SOAR

There was a tiny twinkle in the little star,

A twinkle, like the big headlamp on Ned's old car,

Some call it a strobe light,

A rave party delight,

Strobe driving hurts Ned's eyeballs, he can't drive far. 

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THREE PINES AND ONE BAT CAMPGROUND

I went camping at a campground called, Three Pines and One Bat,

I saw the three dead pines, but worried, where was the bat at,

Then, ouch what the darn, heck?

 The bat vented my neck,

Out poured my blood, the dead pines turned green, I died where I sat.

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THE SEASON OF MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

The season is short and the leggings are tall,

The hot dogs are tainted,so hot sauce them all,

And, I'll fight for my seat,

Where I can both see and can eat,

It's the season for Minor League Ball,

And, everyone knows when the villain is here,

He moves around too much and knocks over your beer,

Of course, he does not stop,

For he knocks over mom's pop,

He's a creep, but he's also my peer,

My team last season, didn't do well at all,

So poorly, their stats I do not recall,

But, I don't dwell on their past,

For that time is cast,

At least until their playoffs, in the fall.

41323

MONEY, BUSINESS AND MEALS

My meals consist mostly of just seeds and found bones,

When I chew the bones I make funny crunching tones,

I dream to eat stake,

But, no money, I make,

Except, by selling artwork I make from pinecones.

MY KIDS DON'T SEE ME

I used to be a real solid ten,

My kids look at me and ask me, "when?",

I said, " o.k. fine",

"Maybe now, a nine,"

They offered to pop me with a pin.  

MISSED THE VLOG MOMENT

I sat fast down on a fat frog on a log,

The messy remains were lapped up by my dog,

After my pooch ate frog slop,

Pooch went hop, hop, hop, hop, hop,

Wish I'd videoed the action for a vlog.

THE GANGSTER AND THE BLUE SEA HORSEY

I got tied up with rope and thrown into the sea,

And, a 50 lb anchor was tied onto me,

While  to the bottom I went,

I reflected on life, spent,

Finished swimming with a blue sea horsey.  

12722

MONKEYS, CATTLE AND RATTLESNAKES LIMERICK

Two little monkeys raised and sold some cattle,
Then over the proceeds they started to battle,
One thought it was best,
That in cattle they reinvest,
The other wanted to raise snakes that would rattle. 

92023

ME AND FRED AND THE ALIEN DRONE

I had a drone fly into my bedroom, and hover over my head,

It was definitely from outer space, just like the internets said,

It had many feet with toes,

It was scented like a rose,

Then it pulled out a ray gun, and united me with my dead dog, Fred.

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THE FOUR TUBING TOADS, MINUS THREE

Four toads went tubing across the waves,

Three of them found deep water graves,

Splash splash, oh, hark,

Sounds like a shark,

The fourth toad hid in some coral caves.

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THE RIP TIDE PIG

The rip tide is pulling this pig, out to the deep sea,

Where all the great killer sharks will be waiting for me,

They'll see my pink belly,

All full of pig jelly,

The sharks will be swarming for tender pork that is free.