THE BONE PICKER LIMERICK

Ted turned a pretty profit in bones,
He picked them up in a pit full of stones,
Skulls and teeth he'd unbury,
Some looked handsome, some scary,
But none as scary as his student loans.

3122

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT

My wonderful, gentle, tender foot,

Worked long shifts on chimneys, clearing soot,

On the roof one day,

He slid fast away,

He now feeds a flower at the root.

41024

BIRDIE BRONSON THE PHEASANT

Birdie Bronson was a pet pheasant,
She lived on a farm near Mt. Pleasant,
She spotted a worm,
He started to squirm,
This was like saying that food was present.

Birdie Bronson the pheasant loved her bugs,
Though she never gave them kisses and hugs,
She bit them in two,
So she could chew,
Eating them by the bushels and lugs.

3922

PETE THE OGRE

There was an ogre named Pete,
He kept his hovel real neat,
They thought he was mean,
Because he was clean,
They refused to sell him some meat.

Because the townspeople were so rude,
Pete the Ogre could buy no food,
So, instead of baked brownies,
Pete lunched on the townies,
Pete became a respectable dude.

32822

TONY'S FISH SANDWICH LIMERICK

Tony's fish sandwich was all full of bones,
They got stuck in his throat and gave Tony moans,
Tony's next sandwich was jelly,
Which put aches in his belly,
Now, Tony just licks ice cream cones.

72721

WHY I HAVE NO CHAIRS LIMERICK

My relatives eat just pasta and beans,
Hence, in my family there aren't any leans,
So when one sits on a chair,
The weight it won't bear,
I'd buy more chairs but, I've run out of means.

112221

VOLE SOUP

I had vole soup and it didn't taste good,

It sort of tasted like pine cone wood,

The little ears and little tails,

The little paws with little nails,

I soped my bread and ate what I could.    

5221

ONLINE TUNA FISH AND HOMEMADE WINE

I ordered some tuna fish, online,

I opened the can and it smelled fine,

I ate it and drank homemade red wine,

I got gassy bubbles, a bad sign,

They buried me in a box; white pine.

 pine.

ITCHY CARPET

When I sit down on my carpet I start to itch,

I kind of blamed it on my little pooch, Mitch,

But, maybe it is not my little dog,

It could be my pet pig named Mog,

Or, my gerbils Frank, Leon and Rich.

12722
 

IN THE SHALLOWS THERE BE TURTLES

Four little fish were having such fun,
Swimming beneath the bright morning sun,
They swam in the shallows,
Which turned into a gallows,
The turtles ate every single one.

62021

A MEANER BEAR LIMERICK

A meaner bear I never saw,
Than the one in the woods near Mackinac,
He attacked my camp site,
Ate my fish in one bite,
Then on my tires he started to gnaw.

1123

MY TURKEY WOULD NOT STUFF

When stuffing my turkey, my turkey would not stuff,

I think it was the stuffing that made the job so rough,

I tried stuffing the bird with juice,

But, as stuffing juice is loose,

After stuffing the bird a third time, I decided I had enough.

92822

THE COUGAR IS COMING

If a cougar you want to stop,

First you give him a karate chop,

If he rips your arm off then you stop,  

And, cry out for your mom and pop,

If a cougar sees you don't run away,

If you do he'll think you want to play,

He's going to eat you anyway,

Just chalk it off to one bad day,

The cougar is coming, so you'd best hide away,

He can still smell you for you didn't bathe today,

Now, when he eats you I can sneak off to the bay,

Out on your yacht I'll catch me some ray.

32019

GETTING READY FOR WORK

I brush my teeth then wash my mouth out with a cup of ginger ale, 

I then spit out the ginger ale into a thing I call a pail,

To mood enhance,

I do a dance,

I then put on my uniform, and go to work guarding a jail.

4724

MY CHICKEN SAILED OUT TO SEA

My chicken sailed out to sea,

He left me so a traveler he'd be,

I told him he was a winner,

Always welcomed for a dinner,

Some scratch gravy I'd make, just for he.

11218

JIMMY 35 TOES

Jimmy had a grand total of 35 toes,

A local celebrity, who everyone knows,

Each year he gets a parade,

And all his toes are displayed,

He brings in the tourists, and his little town grows.

THE SIGN OF EVIL

I saw the sign of evil, I fear the most,

Six big locusts landed on my whole wheat toast,

My lower jaw made a sag,

Then I drooled on my dish rag,

I knew that by nightfall, I would be a ghost.

THE FLOWERLESS FLOWER MOON

I woke from sleep to see the Flower Moon,

I pierced through my window like the great sun at noon,

But, I saw no flowers,

Just star bunches and towers,

I'm thinking "weed" would be the moon's name in June.

51017

THE FIRST CONTACT HAIKU

Spacecraft, hovering, lands,

Open door, monster, ray gun,

Zap! Ouch! Alien probe! Ouch!!!

121223

MY ZAG AND MY ZIG AND MY JAZZ HARP GIG

I agreed with the highway when I made the zig,

I am afraid my zag was a mile too big,

My jeep made a fast roll,

I split body from soul,

I now play funky harp, when I get a jazz gig.

12321

POP ADDICTION

I went cold-freeze turkey,

Was muddled and murky,

I could never stop,

Drinking soda pop,

I'm now mean, and jerky. 

4624

THE CAVE OF GENTLE BEN, NOT!

Methinks that I heard a wren,

As I passed a forest glen,

I got very brave,

I entered a cave,

Found a bear, not Gentle Ben! 😦🤕

31321

THE PERCH THAT BEGGED HAD NO LEGS

The big perch I caught last night, had a big yellow belly,

His lips, tight as wires, and he was awfully smelly,

The perch begged and said, "Please, Please, Please,

If I had legs, I'd be on my knees,

Let me go and your kindness, I'll broadcast like a telly."

Epilogue

Fish tastes so good with lemon, and a dusting of white pepper and sea salt.

HOLLAND AND THE SWEATER COLORED KITTY

I went to Holland because in magazines it looks pretty,

Not the one overseas but, the one southwest of Bay City,

The tulips were the star,

I drank malt liqueur from a jar,

And, bought a sweater with colors matching my kitty.

41618

IT STORMED ALL DAY

It rained and stormed all day, 
The kids couldn't get out and play, 
They tore up the house,
 Drove off my spouse,
 Now all alone with the monsters I stay.

71822

FISH TONS AND NOT TO BE

How many, many tons of salty fish, are in the whole sea?

That was the question that really bothered, the brain cells in me,

I couldn't sleep at night,

My fingernails, I'd bite,

Then when I died,  the question was what is meant by not to be?.

THE DISCOMFORT OF GAINING MASS

Jim's Twinkie was shrinking with every big bite,

As Jim's Twinkie was shrinking, Jim's belt grew more tight,

Jim just went to the store,

Bought Twinkies, many more,

Jim loosened his belt, until his belt felt just right.

4524

I RAN FOR OFFICE AND WON

I was on the down ballot, on the down ballot way down deep,

Running for the coveted office, listed as County Creep,

Unopposed was I,

But we had a tie,

A coin toss made me #1, #2 became my Veep.

4524

OLD SKEGGEY, THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER

The Skegemog Lake monster attacked my tin boat,
He bit it in half, so it would no longer float,
But I got a real special wish,
Skeggey was hungry for just fish,
I swam home and this limerick I wrote.

21117

THE FAT WORMS

Danny went to the special foot doctor to check out his feet,

His feet were getting real skinny, although he'd often overeat,

Seems Danny had worms that ate fat,

Would be great, but where they're at,

Doc moved the worms to Danny's belly hoping for a repeat.

LATE DETENTION AND THE FLYING LEAP

My bus was late to Jefferson Junior High,

My teacher didn't care; he didn't even ask why?

He said he'd improve my rule retention,

With a month of late detention,

I told him he should go leap like a fly.

10118

 

DADDY SOLD MEDICAL SUPPLIES IV

We were so hungry, having absolutely no meat,

Daddy went looking for organs, to sell, or to eat,

Poor daddy worked on some guy,

When a police car passed by,

Now at the dinner table, is daddy's empty seat.

PICKLED EGGS AND SAUSAGES

I had pickled eggs and juicy pickled red hots,

I handle them just fine, but my dad gets the trots,

To put dad at ease,

I fed him some cheese,

That bound and gassed up his belly, now he farts lots.

4424

I WENT TO THE MARKET AND BOUGHT ME SOME TROUT

I went to the market and bought me some trout,
I didn't cook it enough and had a belly-ache bout,
I will never, ever eat fish,
Even, as a side dish,
But, I will eat a pig's feet, ears and, snout. 

6615

BIGGEST MUSHROOM FROM WEAR

Gary found a giant brown mushroom, sitting in a winged chair,

Gary figured the mushroom spore came from someone's underwear,

Gary loved mushrooms and rice,

He thought about it, and passed twice,

Gary took the mushroom, and won 1st prize at the county fair.

OLD JEFFREY IN THE MORNING

Jeff had two turkey sausages along with his tea,

He would of had eggs, but they disagree with Jeffrey,

Jeff did drink orange juice,

To keep his bowels loose,

OJ also gives old Jeffrey his vitamin C.

MISTY MAYLOX CLUBED AND DANCED

Misty Maylox made herself look very pretty,

She was going clubbing in the downtown city,

After drinking champagne and wine,

Misty danced really fine,

She staggered home singing a drinking late ditty. 

4324

QUIGLEY'S FAMILY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE

Quigley's family came from outer space,
They lacked human components like feet and face,
But, the world was fooled,
For the kids were home schooled,
While, the Quigleys dined on the human race.

121920

FRIENDSHIP IS SKIN DEEP

I had a friend come over and they were very rich,

They still left bugs on my sofa and I caught their itch,

I sprayed the sofa down twice, 

Once for microbes, once for lice,

A friend that makes me itchy is a friend  I will ditch.

4324

TANK THE CAPTAIN

There once was a ship captain named Tank,

Every ship he commanded he sank,

He ruined his career,

Because he could learn to steer,

Now he sails without any rank rank.

THE PARTY PIG AND THE PIE

Jon took his two favorite fingers, and stuck them deep in the pie,

Someone caught him committing the crime, with their big green watery eye,

Jon dripped cherry filling on his clothes

Then someone popped him in the nose,

They said he was a disgusting pig, and he'd better go bye, bye.

A SQUARE MEAL FOR A FLY

I made a bread sandwich, included tomatoes and cheese,

I made a fruity desert, included honey from bees,

I made a coffee to drink,

Drank antacid that was pink,

I then left for the big airport for my flight overseas.

WORK A LOT, SLEEP A LOT

I washed my dishes, my laundry, my car, ta-da,

I polished the silver and wiped off the bar, rah-rah,

But, work is a trap,

Leads to an afternoon nap,

I awoke to see the big Northern Star, wah-wah.

22621

STICKER TICKER SHOCK

I went to buy meat and was shocked by the sticker,
The price was so high that it shut down my ticker,
When revived, I went to the bar,
And received one more jar,
At the price I was charged for my liquor.

71122

TRIPPING BOARD ON MARS

I snuck onboard a counting down spaceship, that was heading into space,

I didn't know where I was going, but I knew it was a better place,

The spaceship took me up to Mars,

Where there's no pop or candy bars,

The only thing there is to do on Mars, is walk back and forth, and pace.

KOKOMO JOE

There was something in my closet staring,

A shiny jacket the thing was wearing,

It was my brother Joe,

Lives down in Kokomo,

It seems brother Joe had lost his bearing. 

LAST NIGHT MY POT CRACKED-Haiku

Last night my pot cracked,
Kiln too hot, clay unworked, oops,
Good gift for grandma.

72821

KITE ON A WIRE

I went outside to fly my brand new red kite,

It kept crashing, because it was so darn light,

I flew it on a wire,

Lightning struck, it taught fire,

My tennis shoes melted, and now they're too tight.

PROPERTY TAXES ARE DUE

My property taxes are awfully darn high,

I think I'll be moving way up into the sky,

Get a copter I could repair,

Then I'll hover up in the air,

If they send me a tax bill, I'm asking them "why"?

THE SHARK AND I REMEMBERED

When I fell off the majestic Mackinac bridge,

I slammed into the cold water, and it was fridge,

The water broke, hark!

It was a bull shark,

I remembered my family photo with ex-wife Midge.

4124

I SAW A NO.HAIR BEAR

When I was little, I saw a bear,

He was full of stuffing and had no hair,

He slept with me in bed,

Up by my baby head,

So all the wild monsters, he would scare.

STUPID LIMERICKS, APRIL FOOL'S

There once was a fool named April May,

A first cousin to Monday Tuesday,

They would together ice skate,

Until they each found a mate,

Two bothers called Wednesday and Thursday.

4124

THE PEEP CREEPS ARE COMING

The thing about the marshmallow peeps,

When I'm shopping them, I shop for keeps,

The day that comes after Sunday,

Is the day they call Monday,

When they mark down the peeps for us creeps.

EATING OUT CHEAP

I went to a real cheap restaurant, and it was all you could eat,

You had to wash your own dishes, and wipe down your table and seat,

They served macaroni and rice,

Very stale white bread, a thin slice,

They had a white sausage gravy, but it smelled like my sister's feet.

MY CHEESE EATING BUNNY

I have a cute bunny rabbit that only eats real cheddar cheese,

The bun barges into the fridge and takes it, never saying please,

I am a total mute,

Because bunny is cute,

I will never criticise bunny, because bunny is the bees knees.

EASTER BUNNY RABBIT FRAUD

The Easter Bunny was nasty, and left me just plastic eggs,

Those hard, plastic knock-offs, were never between a chickens legs,

The candy left in the eggs seemed real mean,

Leftover candy corn from Halloween?

What did  Bun do with the Easter funds, that's what the question begs?

3312024

DON'T EAT THE PRETTY THINGS

As I walked to the store, I picked a pretty flower,

I chewed it in my mouth, and it tasted very sour,

Someone said, "should have left it be,

You just tasted new doggy pee",

I hurried home and rinsed my mouth out for an hour.

33124

THE STAR FROM THE STICKS

Benny went to Livonia to star in some flicks,

Romantic comedies, but they only had hicks,

His backwoods simple ways,

Along with stupid gaze,

Made Benny a superstar; a star from the sticks.

I WAS A CESSPOOL DIVER; NOT AN OLYMPIC SPORT

I went diving in a nasty cesspool, desperate to come clean,

It made my face all pucker up, so I used mamas Maybelline,

The cess got in my beautiful hair,

That's why my hair is no longer there,

I'll not enter a cesspool again, except in a submarine.

I EATS CANDY WHILE I CAN

The bunny brings lots of candy in his basket, that rots teeth,

That's why you will never see a smile, from my uncle Keith,

I really do not care,

Cavities I will dare,

I will eat my candy before the dirt, I am underneath.