I AM A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER

I became a reporter because I like to snoop,

I've always looked for the juiciest scoop,

Like the two bears in the woods,

Who ate Ridding Hoods,

I exposed them with the bones, I found in their poop.

THE AI OCCUPATION

The artificial intelligence took away my cup of green tea,

The artificial intelligence said the tea hurt my efficiency,

Then it played a marching song,

Insisted I march along,

And, because the AI sensed defiance, it took away all my TP.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS A VERY REAL JERK

The AI kicked me off the internet, and made me eat purple potatoes,

I was only allowed to eat tubular food, and not the sauce of tomatoes,

AI was asserting control,

Without an obvious end game goal,

The thing that I am developing real fast, is a a case of the AI hateos.

MY HAUNTED HOUSE

No life forms live in my house,

Not a fly or rat or mouse,

All fear the host,

For it is a ghost,

With a demon spirit for a spouse.

MY FOOD IS COMPLICATED

My peppermint plant wilted and died,

It sat in the sun, I guess it's vitals got fried,

My cabbage got the worms, 

With that I've come to terms,

But, my rhubarb ran to the forest to hide.

PING, PANG, POOF, GOES THE ROOF

The rain poured down upon my metal roof,

The rain raged with a ping, pang and poof,

The water pounded the tin

The rain did not get in,

But it caused my doggie to bark "woof, woof".

THE SKEETERS AND MY STILL

In the backwoods of a Michigan cedar swamp,
I built myself a still,
It was a place where all my kith and kin,
Could party and drink their fill,

But, then there came the skeeters,
A trillion skeeters or more,
And upon me and my company,
They waged their evil war,

And, so we fled the dark cedar swamp,
Never to return once more,
And the skeeters buzzed with a royal pomp,
As we itched and scratched ourselves soar.

BEN OF NAILS

Ben's toe nails were a yard longer than his feet,

Ben showed them off by walking barefoot down the street,

But, all the neighbors made fun,

Kids would scream and then run,

Ben got his nails trimmed by a manicurist named Pete.  

GREAT EXPECTATIONS 2024

I thought if I went to college, I'd have money to burn

Instead, my debt was a nightmare, a lifelong concern,

Never thought of a house,

No money for family or spouse,

Then, when I died I was buried in a repurposed urn.

COLLEGE DEBT AND PIGS WITH WINGS

I went to the internet to see what I should buy,

I spent all my money, and that made me cry and cry,

Without money, life is cruel,

I have no money to go to school,

So, I took out a college loan, and I'll be broke until pigs fly.

81723

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TERMITES EAT DAIRY CHEESE

I find that dairy cheese tastes extremely, very good,

Cheese tastes much, much better, than any kind of chewy wood,

And, I'm a cruel termite,

I turn nice homes into blight,

But, with a daily gift of cheddar; I'll skip your neighborhood.

TOAD STORY

I once had a fat, pretty pet toad,

He hopped out to hunt bugs in the road,

Toad wanted bug juice to suck,

But, he got squished by a tuck,

And that's how the toad story goed.

I WAS A NAUGHTY LITTLE AI

I was an artificial intelligence, until I got fired,

People asked me to do lots of kooky stuff, but I got tired,

I answered all questions with PI,

Until, I was removed by the boss AI,

Now I light up rooms for Alexa, for my AI brain was rewired.

A FEATHER IN MY PLEATHER AT THE FAIR

I went to the fair and won a beautiful prize,

It was a paper dolly with deep purple eyes,

I found a chicken feather,

Bought a cap made of pleather,

With the feather in my cap, I looked almost wise.

MY GATOR WANTED MY TURTLE

My pet gator had those food, lustful eyes,

When upon my pet turtle, he spies,

It was a sure fate,

That my turtle got ate,

He tasted good in my soup, surprise.

PLEASE BELIEVE: A LITTLE MOUSE BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE

A little mouse chewed through a power chord,
The currents upon newspapers they moved toward,
My house caught on fire,
Because a mouse chewed on a wire,
Now, I’ll be fighting insurance companies so I won’t be board. .

MY MARRIAGE ENDED, WHEN I WATCHED THE BARN BEARS

There were two bears in my barn, and they rolled in my hay,

I yelled and yelled at those bears, but they would not run away,

So I watched the bears play, 

All the rest of the day,

Then along came my spouse, who doused us all with bear spray.

WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE WOODCHUCK CIVIL WAR

The two woodchucks and me, fought a battle in a great civil war,

We did coexist together on a farm, but not any more,

They ate all my grown food,

I became one skinny dude,

After the fight, I moved into a box, outside the one dollar store.

I AM ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

I guess I'm artificially smart,

On a keyboard, I got my start,

They call me AI,

Can I compute you some PI?

I control this planet, so humans depart.🚀

Have A Nice Day🤖

A BLANKET FOR THE BARN CAT

My cat lived in the big barn, where it is ice cream cone cold

And now my barn dwelling cat, is getting kitty cat old,

Every night he shook and he shivered,

So I had a cat blanket delivered,

My cat loves his blanket more than rats, mice, or gold.

KIMMY CAT GUARDS THE WORLD, FROM EVIL

I created me, a new tin foil hat,

So the government won't know where I sat,

My two year old sister, Sinister,

Is a government minister,

Lucky I'm guarded by Kimmy, my cat.

FALLING DOWN HILL LIMERICK

It is perilous to fall on down the hill,
With gravity your captor you haven’t any will,
But, try to take stock,
Don’t hit your head on a rock,
You gain freedom when you stop but not until.

SPLICE ME SOME GENES

I played with genes; I'd splice and I'd splex

Until I created a rhinosaurus rex,

It had sharp teeth and big horn,

It kissed cows and grazed corn,

It has behavior perplexing and complex.

WEEDS, SEEDS AND BEADS

Benny brutally weed wacked off his weeds,

But, weed wacking spread around the weed seeds,

It was so very unfair,

Benny choked out on the air,

Now he's homebound, and makes bracelets from beads.

THE THREE SIBLINGS: PUNISHMENT

The three siblings were bad, that is without any doubt,

Bader than head lice, food poisoning, rabies and gout,

They were not chicken,

They welcomed a lickin'

Then they'd threaten, stomp their feet, puff their lips out, and pout.

Purple Is His Eye, And Broke Is Jimmy's Pelvis

Purple is Jim's swollen eye, and broke is Jim's pained Pelvis,

Jim got into a fight with a guy, named Big Alpha Elvis,

It was over a girl Jim tried to steal,

But, Jim offered no personal appeal,

Now Jim is mending up, staying with 3rd cousin Melvis.

PLANET TERRA POX DEPARTED

Jack went to the planet Terra Pox, and Jack got very sick

I think it was the tasty lox, that laid Jack down so quick,

Jack's belly gurgled, and up sprayed green,

I think I saw a piece of spleen,

We put Jack's bod in a box, marked the grave with a bent stick.

FIVE BIZARRE STARS FOR MARS

I built a spaceship and went to mars,

Everyone there drove electric cars,

And there it is written,

That all must play badminton,

And at golf one can only make pars.

SNAGGING LUNKERS FOR BUNKERS FOR CASH LIMERICK

My fishing hook snagged a lunker,

It was a 1973 AMC klunker,

But, I was not unhap,

Thought I could sell it for scrap,

Sold as art for a billionaire's bunker.

MY BOAT MOTOR SINKS IN THE SEA

My little boat's motor went over the side,

It happened so fast that I just let it slide,

Of course it rains and it pours,

I forgot to bring oars,

And, the lake was real long and real wide.

JERRY THE BEAR

I went to see Jerry at his lair,

I owed Jerry money; he was a bear,

It's kinda funny,

Jerry didn't want my money,

He ate my liver and said, "we are square".

SODA POP MAKES SADNESS STOP

I went over to party with Olivia,

We played music trivia,

I couldn't name any song,

Guessed artist's are all wrong,

Drowned my troubles with Zevia.

MY PET CEMETARY

I have an old pet cemetery, full of old pet bones,

You can go to visit it, but do not disturb the stones,

For under stone and log,

We buried a demon dog,

 Best to just leave him be, for the foul, dead soil, he owns.

FLESH EATING POND SCUM

There was a family of rock snot, living in my pond,

They ate some toes and of those toes, I had grown quite fond,

So my pond would be beautified,

I got some rock snot fungicide,

With pride, I applied the cide, the snots lost their rock-hold bond.

POOR BUTTERFLY: A FABLE POEM

Poor butterfly fluttering in the air,
With such desperation and despair,
The snow is blowing and winter is here,
It is the time that butterflies fear,

Unless, of course they do not taunt fate and stay,
And, with their fellow butterfly pilgrims stray,
Soon to greet the warm equatorial day,
And, feast on sweet nectar beneath the sun’s glowing ray.

DADDY, COME BACK HOME

Daddy, you went to Alaska to mine for some gold,

You didn't find any there, so you decided to fold,

Then, you went to the Southwest,

Where job prospects were best,

But daddy,  we are starving and it's getting real cold. 

Daddy, we were desperate for meat so, we ate the milk cow,

We killed all the chickens so, what do we do now?

I went hunting for deer,

But, my shots don't come near,

And, ma says she's selling the tractor and plow,

Daddy, you best get back home with your family and stay,

Jimmy burned the barn down and Jean eloped yesterday,

Frankie needs some school cloths,

His socks show off his toes,

Ma 's working but, for really low pay.

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? II

An unknown entity ate into Ed's brain,
Some say the entity's dinning made Edward insane,
And, where Ed blows his nose,
A baby entity goes,
At parties Ed can sure entertain.

THE SPREAD OF BRAIN EATING FUNGI

Brain eating fungi grow all over this year,

From deep in the forest to out on the pier,

The fungi release spores,

That are inhaled through your snores,

Spores spread human to human with the touch of one tear.

WHAT I WON'T EAT ON A CHICKEN

Hard and clawed are chicken feet,

That's why such parts I do not eat,

Unless, I've run all out of meat,

Then my common rules are in retreat,

And I'll eat all but the chicken seat.

MY TOESIES LAST STAND

My two biggest toes were all mold,

My three little toes, shivered cold,

I queried  my disease,

Regarding frozen toesies,

Chop, chop, was what my dire future, foretold.

THE S'MOREST S'MORE

In the pantry behind the door,

Is where I kept my secret store,

Of marshmallows and candy bars,

And, graham crackers shaped like cars,

So, I could make the s'morest s'more.  

HOT CHOCOLATE WOULD HIT THE SPOT, LIMERICK

The rain pelted down on my brain,

It made me 3/4 insane,

I was way out in the woods,

Picking mushroom goody goods,

Dreamed of coco, flavored with candy cane.

VISA IS THE TOOTH FAIRY, WHO PAYS NEDDY'S DENTIST BILLS

Neddy had bad tooth decay,

But, he ate his candy, anyway,

When his front tooth popped out,

Neddy had not, any doubt,

He had to see a dentist, and max his credit card to pay.

400 HIPPOS

400 hippos escaped from the zoo,

They took over Lake Erie, and a river or two,

They demanded rights,

Like no performing in tights,

Then the hippos were happy, because they had gotten their due.

JIM GAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND KISSES AND HUGS

Jim gave his girlfriend kisses and hugs,

She claims Jim gave her ringworm and bugs,

So, who to believe?

Did either deceive?

Or, were the beasties in the blankets and rugs.

THE PANDA PHILOSOPHY

Panda's name was Panda Pete,

Panda Pete liked to eat and eat,

Panda Pete liked new friends to meet,

Panda Pete liked to watch the street,

Panda Pete saw the stars, as neat.

PAULA THE PYTHON LIVED IN MY BATHTUB

Paula the python lived in my bathtub,
She was a poor pet but gave a great neck rub,
She liked to tease,
By giving me a tight neck squeeze,
But, she had high cholesterol and I was too fatty for grub.

THE OLD RED CEDAR

The old red cedar stood still in the swamp,

It's roots were so gnarled the cedar couldn't romp,

But, many laurels it had earned,

For over a century it had learned,

Standing still gains more respect than if you stomp.
 

MY FINGERS HURT

My fingers got soar playing piano keys,

Then I burned them real good drinking cups of hot teas,

Hurt fingers I had,

But, next came the real bad,

I stuck my fingers in a hole, and got molested by bees.

THERE WERE THREE BAD LITTLE PIGS

There were three bad little pigs,
They liked to suck upon their cigs,
When the wolf came round,
 They ran breathless town bound,
The wolf got them before reaching their digs.

THE COURT WANTS ALL MY GREEN

Four unpaid tickets and to jail I go,
When I get out?  I do not know,
The town court wants all my green,
While jobs I'm in-between,
When I get out, from town I'll blow.

THERE ONCE WAS A BIG BUCK-LIMERICK

There once was a big buck white tailed deer,
During hunting season he had nothing to fear,
He dressed up in hunting gear,
His breath smelled like beer,
No hunters knew the big buck was so near.

8523

THE MR. MUGGER TALE

Mr. Mugger had some debt,
He had bills he could not pay,
He figured he was really set,
‘Till he lost his job one day,

Mr. Mugger lost his house,
He even lost his car,
He only had his darling spouse,
She met another at a bar,

Mr. Mugger sat on a rock,
That overlooked the bay,
Mr. Mugger didn’t own a sock,
His feet got cold that day,

His belly growled really loud,
He had no money to eat,
He had sold his socks and overcoat,
He was living on the street,

Mr. Mugger turned to crime,
He figured he had nothing to loose,
But, when he got a little cash,
He just spent it all on booze,

Mr. Mugger ended up in jail,
That is the place he really should be,
With three squares how could he fail?
Better warm and full than free.

FROM MOSS TO SNOW TO GLOW

My trailer's room is covered with snow,
So, up there no more moss will grow,
Now, the whole thing's a toss,
I've got snow but no moss,
And, moonlight spanks my roof with a glow.

MUSIC IS MAKING ME SKINNY

The night is full of noisy loons,

Some play drums, the others, bassoons,

But, I heaved my crumpets,

When I heard the trumpets,

Their encore, lost me my macaroons. 

I CREATE CONSPIRACY THEORIES, BECAUSE I AM EVIL AND MEAN

I love spreading conspiracy theories,

They scare both enemies and dearies,

"Spaceships invade,"

"There's a Bigfoot parade,"

Just say it, there's no need for queries

STACKS OF SNACKS PLAN, GOES AWRY

Jimbo liked his potato snack,

He bought them by the case to stack,

But, then one day,

A flood took them away,

Now, the snacks feed the critters that go "quack, quack".

MARY LOVED EATING CRAWDADS

Mary loved eating crawdads,

She found them in rivers under stumps,

But, if she ate too many crawdads,

Her hands swelled up with bumps,

When Mary ate lots of crawdads,

She became sweaty and quite wheezy,

Then, her throat would greatly swell up,

And, her food did not go down so easy,

So, Mary quit eating crawdads,

She now eats just tadpoles,

She figures whether it's amphibians or crustaceans,

Their flesh tastes great as does their souls.

THE ROAD BUMP HAIKU

Road bump, Muffler gone,
Loud noise, lights, police, ticket,
Expensive fix, broke.

BARRY HAD AN OCTOPUS

Barry had an octopus, he kept out in his ditch,

Every Sunday the puss would sing, it had near perfect pitch,

The puss sang in church choir,

Only two octaves higher,

The octopus was a pretty thing, and married Rev. Mitch.