THE ALPHA TETHERBALL TERROR, THAT'S ME

I don't like playing the Ducky, Ducky Goosey game,

I'm a bit chubby, and heavy, and my legs go lame,

I'm a little bit tall,

So, I like tetherball,

No one else will play, because I play too rough, and maim.

PIKE, BETSY AND MIKE

I write all of my limericks, listening to "Sweet Betsy From Pike",

That is why in my school records, they described me as a sick"psych",

I loved that old ditty, since I was a young tike,

I'd listen to it, when I drove my  motorbike,

At night I would sing a rendition, to my squirrel friend, Big Mike.

EATING MISS MAISY

I'd often take my cow, Maisy out on a woods walk,

She'd soothe me with soft moos, while I unwound with thought talk,

One day, a lion came by roaring

I left Miss Maisy, she was boring,

The lion was  wanting cow, that's the one I would stalk.

ME SELLS SEASHELLS BY THE SEASHORE

My condo down in Florida, the big bank has whisked away,

I lost my money in the stock market; it is not my day,

I'll move to an Island, called Canary,

There I'll chill, listening to Chuck Barry,

I'll become simple, selling my seashell, jewelry display.

MA AND HER BANNED BOY WORDS

When I woke and worked out, my big mouth got me constantly canned,

Now my foul tongue waving, language, got this internet boy, banned,

The public says I speak turds,

But, my ma taught me my words,

How ma could be so wrong in her thinking, I don't understand.

BREAKFAST TEA AND MARSHMALLOWS

I placed little marshmallows on top of my breakfast tea,

The marshmallows top floated, and melted on that brown sea,

They made my tea real sweet,

Like the sugar of beet,

But, they're not nearly as tasty as the honey of bee.

AI BITES

My neighbor's AI, made a lizard monster, that likes sitting outside my door,

Every time I try leaving my house, I hear a great cautionary roar,

I sent the kids outside to play

The monster ate them, right away,

I ordered pizza, and the pizza box got ruined, because of blood and gore.

BAKED BEANS ON A STOOL

I went into a public restroom, and it needed multiple cleans,

The white floor was all covered, with chicken livers, and bluegill fish, spleens,

One stool was real busted,

Another, brown crusted,

The last stool was sat upon, by a man eating a can of baked beans.

WORMS, AND FINGERS, AND BRAINS, AND NOSE

Tyler thought he had a brain worm, up inside his big, pink head,

But, it was just his longest finger, so Tyler didn't go dead,

Tyler twisted his finger, all about,

But, his skinny finger would not come out,

A barmaid chopped the finger off; Tyler drank his self to bed.  

THE LOLLIPOP POEM OF REMEMBERANCE

They said "bye, bye", to their lollipops, when their lollipops were no more,

The pops were cute colored, and fruit flavored, causing the mouths to want more,

The cute pops did not want to die,

The last crunch, teared the licker's eye,

The death of all the lollipops, means another trip down to the store.

JIMMY TOOK A FERRY BOAT

Jimmy took a big ferry boat, out to see the amazing, Michigan, Sioux Locke's,

The Sioux Locke's were so very frightening to see, Jimmy sweat wet, his new, blue socks,

The Ferry was called, "The Abigail",

Powered with motors, not a wind sail,

The Abigail sank, losing passengers and crew, when it hit Canadian rocks.

TEARS FROM THE TREES

I went to the old oak forest, with my big chainsaw in hand,

I was there to attack trees, because I don't like where they stand,

The trees all started crying,

Afraid they'd soon start dying,

I cut the trees down, and made firewood, that was what I planed.  

I AM THE BOWLER, WEB TROLLER, AND SCROLLER OF DOOM

I spend all my day, economic doomscrolling,

I spend most all evenings, amateur bowling,

I play my new flute, it's a Pan,

Spoon garbanzo beans from a can,

When feeling real mean, I go online, web trolling.

THUNDER BUGS ARE COMING

When the sky is full of bright stars, but distant rumblings, make you wonder,

If soon the sky will be cloudy, save for flashing lightning, with thunder,

Although you seek, mommy hugs,

Rest assured, it's just bugs,

Bugs that set upon, attacking a quiet evening, to plunder.

BUGS AND MY EGG NOODLES, OH DEAR

Cooking egg noodles has always been my big dream,

I cook noodles all day, filling my house with steam,

The kids, all day shout,

To let the steam out,

But, then bugs come in, and bugs pee more than they seem.

BERNIE THE BEAVER, TOOTHED TREES FOR THE KING

Bernie was a big toothed beaver, and he toothed down thousands of big trees,

Bernie knew just how to fall them, checking the soil type, and the breeze,

Bernie checked wind speed and direction,

Studied soil types, for perfection,

Bernie felled his tress spot on, tight, and the king beaver, Bernie did please.

BETTER MEAL: DRY ROAST TURKEY, OR FRIED CHICKEN

Harry stepped on my tulips, so he got no Easter cheesecake, or pie,

Harry didn't get Easter Dinner, because the crushed tulips made me cry,

Harry went back home, alone,

For his crimes, he must atone,

Harry made his own dinner, not dry turkey, but a moist chicken, fry.

POGO STICKING, GOES VIRAL

I am an alpha player, with the power pogo stick,

I jump higher and further, than all others in my clique,

I can jump twenty feet, high,

Jump the Thames, and barely try,

Now days, joining a pogo club, does not make you a hick.

HEATING LEFTOVERS FOR SUPPER

I bought a dead, dried maple tree and chopped it all up,

So, I could have firewood to cook my late-night sup,

The firewood heated fast,

My beef stew, from the night, past,

I'll still have some left for tomorrow, about a cup.

BOATS, BEES AND SLEEP

I was on some wicked water skies,

When attacked by vicious honey bees,

The bees attacked my pale, naked knees,

The poison made my leg muscles freeze,

I got to the beach, and caught some Z's.

DID THE DRINK KILL ME, OR MAKE ME LOOK COOL

I went to the local grocery store, and bought a markdown, specialty drink,

It was full of caffeine, and tasted like a chemical from under the sink,

It turned my hair green,

It sickened my spleen,

I seemed to drip a big purple tear, whenever my eye would do a quick blink.

THE DIM DAN EASTER BAN

My Easter, holiday,  dinner ham, came from a one pound can,

The only invite to my dinner, was my cousin, Dim Dan,

We had squash, buttercup,

Sweet potatoes, to sup,

Dan complained that I moved slow, so he got a permanent ban.

THE ORGAN ROBBERS

There are too many parasites in the world,

My internal organs, they've hacked out, and squirreled,

As my great mind slips away,

Into an unconscious stay,

Parasites will hoist their flag, to be unfurled.

SPACE COWBOY

I dreamt I was a future, space cowboy, and my name was Ding Dong,

I flew across a prairie of stars, with my guitar and a song,

I had 12 live cows, too,

And, a pet kangaroo,

And, an AI named Bootsy, who nagged me, about all I done wrong.

MY EASTER HOLIDAY SHOPPING SPREE

I went to the local grocery store, and I bought some greens,

I bought some pork chop pork meat as a treat, and dish soap that cleans,

I bought a pound of Easter peeps,

Canned fish, that keeps,

I bought a variety of dried goods, mostly I bought beans.

WHERE THE OLD HEIFER WORKS

I new an old salty, heifer, many called her a cow,

If you called her a cow to her face, she gave you a pow,

It sounds screw lose, nutter bizarre,

But, she worked at a coffee bar,

Patrons fresh, squeezed their milk, which made the heifer a star.

THE CHEDDAR HEARTS

My kids exist to consume, pounds and pounds  of cheddar, string cheese,

They are now looking like milk cattle, because I aimed to please,

I hope maybe they'll shrink,

Drinking a diet drink,

The cheese is now clogging their tickers, and they're starting to wheeze.

BLUE BUNNY IN THE BEAST

A cute, little, blue bunny sat up in a tree,

The bun was only two months old, or maybe three,

Along came a hunter hawk,

The hawk yelled, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk,

The blue bunny was in the hawks, bulging  belly,

MAYNARD AND THE COPYRIGHT

Maynard practiced each day, and locked into playing, his Pan flute,

He played a lot of copyright music, and got a lawsuit,

Soon, Maynard was very poor,

Pawned his flute at a pawn store,

Maynard found a stick he tried to play, but failed to make it toot.

A HOBO ATE MY HEIFER

I once owned a heifer, and her name was Jane,

She liked eating cow grass, out on the great plain,

She had, pretty, blond hair,

Won a prize, at State Fair,

She was ate by a hobo, he was insane.

ONE MOTHER'S LOSS, MEANS ANOTHER TAKES A REST

Way up in the oak tree, there was a Mamma robin red breast,

The bird was back from Florida, and laid four eggs in her nest,

The nest got covered up with snow,

So baby robins, did not grow,

Kitty Cat Maxine, ate the dead, egg babies, then took a rest.

BEDTIME RITUALS

I like to eat a little pineapple, it helps me digest my pills,

I also take an antacid, because the acidic fruit juice,  kills,

I whiten my teeth; I brush real hard,

Use mouthwash rinse, to cavity guard,

I turn off the lights, to lower bills, then I lockdown the window sills.

SQUIRREL CHEESE

There is no longer any cheese, for cat and I to eat,

They butchered all of the cattle, for something called, stake meat,

Can I make cheese from a squirrel?

I asked the local, town earl,

He said it would work, and there'd be a nutty flavor treat.

I'M SLEEPING IN DITCH WATER, AND IT'S FULL OF SCUM

I drove my small foreign built, coup car, off the side of the road,

Which is sad, because my little car doubles, as my abode,

A deep, wet ditch mess,

Is my new address,

The car is half underwater, and I'm too broke to get towed.

WHERE MY KIN GOES, WHEN THE WIND BLOWS

An enormous, windbag thunderstorm is blowing in,

I must protect the roof on my trailer; it is tin,

I will rope the roof to the ground,

Crawl under my bed, with the hound,

And, leave room for the stray kith,  neighbors, strangers and kin.

I BOUGHT THREE FLUTES

I bought three flutes to play, but I can only play one flute, that is mine,

So I hired two more players, so we could play three parts that combine,

One flute toots high, the other low,

The center part, is where I go,

Our spreading fame landed us a gig, at a fried chicken dine and wine.

I CAN ONLY AFFORD BONEY SARDINES

My kippers are so expensive; way too high,

I cannot understand the any reasons, why?

I just have the means,

To buy canned sardines,

The bones catch in my throat, and one day I'll die.

CASPER'S NAUTICAL ADVENTURES

My short, silver dinghy, went sinking, then sucked down,

All of my favorite fishing bait, it all drown,

Except, Casper, the leach,

Swam off to the beach,

He became a hero, in the old fishing town.

CHIPMUNKS: CUTE FUZZY DISASTER HAIKU

Chipmunks, fuzzy, cute,
Digging under fireplace,
Bricks fall, down comes wall.

Chipmunk tunneling,
Driveway cracks, deck falls apart,
House sinks, floors slant, cute!

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ADAM WAS A LITTLE, HUNGRY TROLL

Adam was a cute little troll, a cute little troll, like me,

Then our Adam grew to be six feet tall, by the age of three,

At four, Adam played college B-ball,

By then, he was nearly twelve feet tall,

But Adam was still a troll, and kept eating the referee.

RATS🐁🐁🐁🐁🐁

My house was full of stinky, rowdy rats; I caged them and made them pets,

I sold them for cash to neighbor kids; about that, I have no regrets,

Their parents got terribly mad,

One broke my nose, and made me sad,

I'm glad to repurpose vermin, rats; although, the neighbors it upsets.🐭

I SCARE BIRDS, WITH MY CHERRY BOOM

Because my cherry trees are all blooming,

They will make fine cherries, I am assuming,

I'll have food to eat,

They will be a treat,

I'll guard them with my gun that goes booming.

PATRONS GET STUCK IN A DART SPORTS BAR (Go Figure?)

I received a summons, to go see the great judge, in court,🏛

The great judge said, he had a very, concerning report,🐿

While at the dart club, playing darts,🎯

I hit three patrons, in their hearts,😭

The judge said until I got eye ware, my sport I must abort.😠

THE DIRE WOLF AND HIS TROLL

I have a dire wolf, and he bit off my long nose,

It's a good thing I'm a troll, for now a new one grows,

The dire wolf grew whimper, sad,

When I said he had done real bad,

But, while I was sleeping, the wolf nibbled off my toes.

POGOSTICK BREAKER, BEWARE!🐀

Someone broke my pogostick, and J am hooting mad,😡

When I find out who did it, they will be so sad,😭

I'll tell them they smell like feet,👣

I'll tell them to watch the portions they eat,🍔🍟🌮🍕🌮🍠

If my torments hurt their feelings, my emojis will depict, glad.🤗😇😛

WHO HAS THE BLUEST MOON? LIMERICK

Nightly News Blue Moon

My Blue Moon

So, last night's moon was big and blue,

It was still not much worth looking to,

And, for ten minutes of views,

I missed the night news,

Where they showed the moon in a much bluer hue.

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FOOT ODOR IS FAR, FAR AWAY

Someone stuck a lead pencil in my foot, and I did not feel the pain,

Methinks, that is just because my foot flops, about a mile, from my brain,

It started at age sixteen,

When I grew cute, tall and lean,

My feet under me, I can't feel, or see, but smell them, when smells they gain.

HARD TIMES AND TURNIPS

I knew my finances were in trouble, when  I couldn't afford turnips, at the store,

When I can't afford to buy turnips, I know that I've become the poorest of poor,

So, I spade a piece of ground,

Planted turnip seeds, ten pound,

I will have so many turnips to hoard, my greedy, jealous neighbors, will make war.

DOUBLE WIDE SHAKESPEARE

Me and close kin were huddled all together, and starving, half to death,

Then I eyed my next door cousin's food and fine home, and methinks, Macbeth,

The three weird sisters in the double wide,

Predicted fortune, if my cuz died,

They also said, someone born not from woman, would make me draw last breath?

VIRTUOSO, EUPHONIUM GUY

The valves on my euphonium were turning, sort of a green,

I hard polished to get those valves looking chic, metallic clean,

The band leader was very whiney,

So I made the instrument shiny,

I played Concert Band solo, on my euphonium machine.

WORLDS BELOW: THE DINGHY, IN WHICH I FLOAT

Everyone, onshore complains, that I'm a daft, old, grumpy goat,

I spend all my time fishing in my dinghy; a tiny, tin boat,

No observed, worldly ties,

Seen by the shore people's, eyes,

The worlds I know, rest in seas below, the dinghy, in which I float.

THE AI FISH BOT

The new AI bot was never very sharp,

The new bot could fish for both salmon and carp,

For big tuna, it tried fishing,

That was just pee in wind wishing,

The bot got retired, and covered by tarp.

LITTLE FAMILY, MINUS ONE

I bought some market rhubarb, and black cherries, too,

They were a bit rotten, so I cooked them as stew,

I served it for dinner, bringing everyone joy,

Except big sister Mabel, and her son, Elroy,

Latter that evening, I made up some punch,

I used lemon powder and flat pop, left from lunch,

I could not be prouder, as family sipped down their drink,

Then nasty Elroy farted, and the room filled with stink,

Everyone went home; no wondering, why?

Elroy's flagellation, makes all parties die,

Mabel my big sister, won't make Elroy behave,

Elroy hugs his ma tight, when visiting, daddy's grave.

OLD GAMER VS. THE SMELLY MANDOLEAR.

I use to play the mandolin, the mandolin J played,

No one liked my playing, so with barn animals I stayed,

I stay outside, very well,

It is my mandolin smell,

My wife has a new husband, he smells like, pinball arcade. 

THE BASSOON MARCH

I grabbed a bassoon, and I marched down the big city street,

I made my feet slap the ground, to my bassoon blowing beat,

The police came along,

They ended my soon, song,

They took me down to the jail, and gave me nothing to eat.

UNCLE LEE, TOMATOES AND GHEE

No one has any groceries, except my skin flint, Uncle Lee,

He has two cans of tomatoes, and a l lb. jar of ghee,

Do you think he might share?

That greedy grisly bear,

He might let you look at his stuff, but charge you a hefty fee.

I ONCE HAD A BIG GREEN BOIL

I once had a big green, boil, looming large on my right forearm,

The doctor cut the boil off, leaving a scar for chit, chat charm,

I then grew a great, big zit,

On my nose, it took a sit,

One of the critters bit it off, at granny and grandpa's, goat farm.

PUMPKIN

There once was a bloke, his name was Peter, another bloke, was named Pan,

The first bloke was a pumpkin eater, the second had a pumpkin tan,

Because they said her pumpkin pie was dry,

They both made their little, sweet mommy cry,

Mommy had a blind date greet her, she married him; a pumpkin pie man.

MY PORTFOLIO MAMA, AND THE TWINS

I promised my mama, I'd be curbing most of my sin,

Didn't expect, my stock prices to be sinking down, again,

Mama said, "bad luck", dating, Candy,

Much worse, "nasty", twin sister, Brandy,

I still took both out to good eats, and bought each a nice din.

A DART PLAYER NAMED MEL

I started green bean farming, way down in the deep dell,

Their countywide, square dances there are mightily, swell,

I kick up my guy heels,

To make girl appeals,

But, all the girls hang after a dart player, named Mel.