IRREGARDLESS, I SAY

For Bill, "irregardless" is his favorite word,

But amongst PhD scholars it's a word never heard,

Now Bill gets a thrill,

Telling the smart ones to chill,

Saying, " irregardless is the newspeak of the nerd."

THE CLAWS OF THE YETI

I walked into a mountain cave,

And, found the bones that would mark my grave,

Then, in walks a two-headed yeti with claws,

And, long sharp, teeth in both jaws,

And of course, it did me no good to be brave.   

GORDO THE DRAGON SLAYER PART III

Gordo slayed a dragon so big,
He couldn't haul it away with his donkey-cart rig,
So, he decided to stay,
And, ate well for one day,
Then, rode off like a pot-bellied pig.

PURVIS THE SNAKE LIKED TO LOOK AT THE SKY

Purvis the snake liked to look up at the sky,
He imagined his his meals in the clouds on the fly,
Purvis would often wish,
He saw either bugs or fish,
But, a frog was his favorite meal in his eye.

THE TREE WHO KNEW TOO MUCH

Out in my backyard,

Stood a maple tree on guard,

Beneath it's tower,

Was my patio of power,

Where stories flowed from every bard,

My neighbors, relations and some I barely knew,

Would speak each's faults both false and true,

Conversations if in the public stew,

Many partakers would surely rue,

Then one day at my patio party,

The old maple tree started to talk,

Passing on such gossip,

I hoped that my guests would laugh and balk,

But, of all the loathsome stories,

That were tattle-tailed that day,

Was the one of my endless glories,

Regarding always having things my way,

Of course, my wife was there to hear,

The maples stories told to jeer,

My wife's behavior then took a steer,

And, she dumped down the drain my homemade beer,

Then, in her more anger there arose,

As she threw out all of my cloths,

And, she slapped off half my nose,

Then, stomped upon my twinkle toes,

I so surmised that this maple tree,

Really had it in for me,

So, I decided to act like a mid-evil Sax,

And, chopped down the tree with my double ax.  

HOME 4 SALE

I bought an  expensive piece of lake frontage land,

A million dollar mortgage, I signed with my hand,

I live barely week to week,

Higher wages, I had to seek,

Just now at work, they told me, I'm screwed and I'm canned,

DRAINING THE SWAMP CONSEQUENCES

My old hound dog peed on the floor, and he drained a swamp,

My contractor slipped on the floor, and is now on work comp,

What could I do?

My contractor sue,

My brain heard that circumstance song that has pomp.

THERE ONCE WAS A SNOWMAN NAMED BILL

There once was a snowman named Bill,
He always had a bad chill,
But, one sunny day,
Bill melted away,
So, getting warm wasn't a thrill.

There once was a snowman named Bill,
He sat on the side of a hill,
As the snow melted one day,
Bill slid down like a sleigh,
And, he forgot to leave us a will.

THE OVERLY RIPE STRAWBERRY LIMERICK

I picked strawberries that were overly ripe,
And, the juice ran off my counter, oh cripe!
Of course it takes work and not brains,
To get out carpet stains,
So, my white carpet has a red stripe.

AFTER NOON, I WENT TO THE MOON

I decided to take a trip to the earth moon,

My new spaceship, and I and my dog, named Baboon,

My spaceship shifts by stick,

We rode it there real quick,

Partied with the natives, who hoped we'd be back soon.

WINNING THROUGH BROWN NOSING

I went to the city theatre, which was located downtown,

They wouldn't let me in, so I called the manager a bad noun,

Although I have no money,

My soul is bright and sunny,

I should have a free pass, since I compliment my nose brown.

WILLIE THE SUNFISH WANTS A PRESENT

Willie the sunfish, sent Santa a list,

Willie wanted most a watch for the wrist,

Jolly Santa wrote to Willy,

Told Willy he was silly,

But, Santa said Willie will get one, if he shows Santa a fist.

I GAVE MY DOGGY A TUMMY ACHE

I bought some healthy meatless protein burger, today,

It was rather expensive, for my very low, low pay,

I know it is a costly waste,

But I let doggy have a taste,

He vomited all over, now in his bed he lay.

HARK, THE GURGLING GERD

Listen, hark, the carrot angel food cake,

With chocolate frosting, I did two take,

Later I heard,

Gurgling gerd,

All who ate cake, got a bad belly ache.

THE LIFE OF THIS DOG

When I eat off the carpet, everything tastes like feet,

And, the water in the toilet tastes worse near the seat,

The life of this dog,

I narrate on this blog,

And, I'll bite master on the tail if he forgets that I eat.

SANTA IS CANADIAN

I went to Canada to see Santa this year,

He was in Sault Ste. Marie, training reindeer,

I asked him for a pony,

And four cheese macaroni,

And a gallon of extra rooty root beer. 

THE COUGAR BED AND BREAKFAST

I owned a bed and breakfast, but only cougar came to stay,

They all had lots of money, so I didn't turn any away,

They dated the local guys, 

Local gals had hateful eyes,

My local bed and breakfast, the gals tore down, one sunny day.

MY HOLIDAY TRAVEL GUIDE

I went to England to visit some kings,

But they were all busy doing important things,

I had me a draft,

Got back on my raft,

Paddled back to New England for a meal of hot wings.

WATCH OUT FOR P BEARS THIS WINTER

There was a polar bear in my yard,

He was eating my neighbor, Mr. Gerard,

When the white bear was done,

He ate Gerard's son,

That hit grandma Gerard really hard.

THE WINTER APOCALYPSE HAS WINNERS

In the post-winter apocalypse the snowmen win,

They don't have to worry about frozen dead skin,

The whirlwinds of ice and snow,

Only makes the snowmen grow,

The snowmen hunt for humans for a frozen snowman din.

DEREK THE DRUMMER DID DRUM

Derek the drummer, did drum everyday,

He would drum most of the time, since his mom passed away,

When Derek got tired,

He would just get rewired,

By playing pinball at the coffee cafe.

WHEN I LOSE, I KNOW I'VE BEEN CHEATED

In the backseat of a Ford,

I play checkers on a board,

With Brother Jim,

And Sister Kim,

I lost, "you cheated", I roared.

STICKY BOY, BILLY

Billy applied his sticky salve and creams,

So Billy could sleep sound, and have nice dreams,

Or else he'd itch,

Toss and twitch,

And have nightmares of eating salad greens.

THE LIFE OF RED PAINTER

I sleep best at night if I have some beer, and am very well fed,

Then I watch tv shows full of zombies, known as the undead,

I say night, night to the dog,

Then we each snore, like a hog,

I work next day as a barn painter, and paint mostly with red.

SANTA HAS A PROBLEM

Santa has no toys this year, because he had no money to pay,

So he bought some discounted rhubarb, then he loaded up his sleigh,

So every good little boy or girl,

Will get some rhubarb to make them hurl,

Because Santa loves online poker, and he can loose all day.

HARRY PLAYED 13 HOLE HARMONY

Harry didn't like playing harmony, but that's all they'd let him do,

Although, Harry was acclaimed at playing the 13 hole kazoo, 

Melody was for the 1st strings,

Harmony for the other things,

So Harry organized a union, now melody he plays too.

SOMETIMES MOZART HELPS, SOMETIMES MOZART DON'T

Ron sat on the toilet while listening to Mozart,

Ron thought through osmosis, it would make him real smart,

Ron had a chemistry test,

Yet, if Ron did his best,

He'd still end up growing old at an all night gas-mart.

SANTA LEFT TIM NO SURPRISE

Santa Claus left Tim no surprise,
Because Tim makes up stuff, then tells big lies,
Maybe Tim will now learn,
Lies are Santa's concern,
And, presents are for truth-telling guys (and gals).

I’M JUST A POOR HILLBILLY BEER DRINKING SLOB

I live in a trailer the county is about to condemn,
I wake up each morning with my lungs full of phlegm,
My girlfriend left me for a man with a job,
She said I was just a hillbilly beer drinking slob,

I can’t work computers or barely a phone,
And, the state IRS just won’t leave me alone,
I got no money for lawyers, so they know I’m easy to rob,
Because I’m just a poor hillbilly beer drinking slob,

I can’t pay any rent; soon I’ll be out in the cold,
All my stuff to the pawn shops, I’ve already sold,
If I had a beer, over my beer I would sob,
For I’m just a poor hillbilly beer drinking slob.

MY FORTUNE TOLD FOR A TIP

My psychic with a single card flip,
Said I should be leaving a much larger tip,
She said my penchant for being cheap,
Put the spirit world fast asleep,
And, my fortunes would soon take a dip.
 

BAD MEAT SUBSTITUTE DUMPED INTO A STEW

My plant based protein tasted like glue,

I shouldn't have bought it, but who knew?

I fried it in a pan,

It turned brown from tan,

I mixed it with veggies, now I call it a stew.

I'VE GOT A RESIDENCE, FOR NOW

It was a little house on a big  city lot,

No one was home, so I decided, make a squat,

I lived there a whole year,

Then happened, my worst fear,

Home came the owners, so I'm in jail on a cot.

THE HOEDOWN WEDDING BLUES

The fiddle played high and the banjo went low,

The five string guitar strummed an off key doe,

And, the drums sounded wrong,

The beat for another song,

It was a hoedown wedding that was lacking it's HOE,

Hopefully, the hoedown wedding will not the marriage define,

For instead of serving beer we got an herbal green tea wine,

And, for bathrooms we needed more,

In the corners; damp was the floor,

Avoiding this hoedown was a choice I grew to pine,

Finally, the music ended and the guests all went away,

The band thought they played splendid as they collected up their pay, 

I wished the couple well as they drove off toward the moon,

I stayed to help with cleanup, so the hall could lockup soon,

Another successful hoedown wedding; as for the marriage, we must pray.   

THE PERFORMANCE MATTERS LIMERICK

I turned my term paper in too late,

Instructor said, it would seal my fate,

My grades were too low,

So home I would go,

I suppose with the folks, I'll have a debate.

TERMITES DID A NUMBER ON MY SNOWBOARD

Looking at the snow I did ponder,
That I could snowboard way out yonder,
But, my ponderings were a bust,
Termites made my board dust,
So, all the days of snow I must squander.

THE CHOICES FOR GOAT: CHEESE OR A COAT

I like goat cheese so much that I got me a goat,

He chewed a hole in my tin boat, now it don't float,

He's eyeing my new truck,

But he is out of luck,

I like the feel of leather, and I need a new coat.

CHICKEN FEET ARE BARELY BETTER THAN CHICKEN FINGERS

I had some chicken fingers but, I should have had chicken feet,

Then, when that bear came along he would not have had me to eat,

My feet were defiant like a crows,

My feet stood firm to oppose, 

So, like chicken fingers I became just another meat.

PP03092020

KEEPING COWS FEELING SAFE INCREASES MILK PRODUCTION

I fenced in the barnyard to keep out the big cats,

I plugged the holes in the barn to thwart entry by bats,

Although, their emotions they hid,

The cows loved what I did,

Milk production has increased, so say the new stats.

THE TWEEN

In a blinky of one big eye,

A thousand years go bye, bye, bye,

I feel just that old,

And look it, I'm told,

I just turned 12, and wonder why?

PIGS AND RHUBARB PIE

Someone mean hurt my pigs, when they fed them rhubarb pie,

Their bellies swelled up so much, it made my pigs all cry,

I pilled each pig with anti-gas,

Within a minute, their pain did pass,

I'll find out who hurt my pigs, and then I'll ask them why.

MY ONLINE LIFE WAS OVER

I went to social media, and found that I'd been blocked,

It was very upsetting, and I was verily shocked,

I browsed around seeking revenge,

By the gods of old Stonehenge,

But everywhere I went, I was already blocked, ergo mocked.

BE CAREFULL WHO MAKES THE S'MORES

My friends insist that my Smores, just don't taste so good

I had no marshmallows, so I subed a piece of wood,

Everyone got awfully sick,

But the ambulances were quick,

The judge says I can't cook again; that was understood.

DUCK AND A STORY

I have this wonderful duck, his name is Stew,

I bought him, and cooked him in a pot for you,

He's nice and tender,

Saved his fat to render,

After lunch we'll finish reading Bunny Blue.

THE TAINTED LEMONADE LIMERICK

MY LEMONADE STAND

The lemonade I sold was not from good juice,

My customers complained that their bowls got too loose,

And, one lady fainted,

Then, called my lemonade tainted,

I ran off when I saw the crowd with the noose. 

SANTA DOES NOT LIKE TO SHARE WITH ELVES

While old Santa eats roast venison, we elves are eating snow,

Santa licks on candy canes; a taste we elves will never know,

Santa is all grins and smiles,

Santa has smart PR wiles,

Old Santa is very greedy, and he causes elves great woe.

BALLAD OF THE DILLY DOGS

Patches and Checkers were two dilly dogs,

They pretended to be rabbits, squirrels and frogs,

Then one pleasant day,

A cougar came their way,

Patches and Checkers, were soon two cougar logs.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF PATCHES AND CHECKERS

BILLY THE VOMITEER

Sammy chewed and chewed his food, and he chewed it very well,

Billy did not chew his food, and it made his tummy swell,

Soon the tummy gurgled nasty,

Billy had an up-chuck blasty,

Billy got to stay home from school, and that made Sammy yell.

I AM NOT A WICKED WITCH, BUT I CAN BE PRETTY EVIL

For seven years, seven months, seven weeks, seven days, and seven hours,

I filtered through the internets, to gain my great magical powers,

If someone bugs me, they get a curse,

And soon they're riding in a hearse, 

And, all the maidens named Rapunzel, I've locked away in magic towers.

THE CHICKEN LIST

I did not make a "bucket list" of things I have enjoyed,

Instead I made a "chicken list" of things I would avoid,

I avoided things with claws,

And big teeth in their jaws,

I wouldn't go outside, if someone was playing with their droid.

SANTA AND HIS LIFE OF CRIME

Santa has many presents to get, and Tuesday is Christmas Day,

So Santa went down to the mall, and quickly loaded up his sleigh,

This year Santa's funds are running low,

His reindeer meat sales are really slow,

At the Mall Santa got picked up by cops, because he failed to pay.

FROG, CHEESE,YUMMY

I had parmesan cheese frog in my roaster,

Thick garlic/onion bread in my wide toaster,

It's the bestest of dinners,

The best of the big winners,

And, I am normally not a big boaster.

I MARRIED TECHNOLOGY, TWICE

I married an AI, and it ended oh, so very bad,

The AI calculated to steal all the funds that I had,

Now, I'm a techno resister,

I married a retro transistor,

And, soon I'll be a retro-trans dad.

THE SANTA CLAUS FUND, UNFUNDED

Santa laid off all his elves, because he had no money for their pay,

He sold his reindeer to a petting zoo, a butcher shop, some will say,

Santa invested in subprime loans,

His partners will not answer their phones,

Mrs. Claus moved in with a perch fisherman, lives down by Saginaw Bay.

"NO WINE FOR YOU!"

I went to the wine shop to buy some fine wine,!

To impress some fancy dressed new friends of mine,

But the clerks were not nice,

Complained about my head lice,

They escorted me out the door, I said, "fine".

SEEDS, WEEDS AND MEADES: FRANK'S STORY

Early in the morning, Frank did the dirtiest deed,

He went to the mall for his daily weed and some seed,

The shop was not there,

Closed by Smokey The Bear,

Frank went  next door to tbe brewpub, and drank 6 pints of meade.

BLACK FRIDAY IS BETTER WHEN THE ECONOMY STINKS

I only spent $4.00 for tuna, and it got me ten cans,

Better Black Friday deal, than when I bought nine sets of fry pans,

When poverty is in the air,

You get these great deals, from despair,

For half price, I can buy summer makeup, the kind that makes tans.

BLACK FRIDAY LIMERICK

Here I sit outside the mall freezing at 3 a.m.
This Black Friday shopping they need to condemn,
My wife thinks she’ll find a sale diamond or some other gem,
But, these hours don’t agree with my weakened system,

I’m not really sure why I have to be here,
I’d rather watch late movies with popcorn and beer,
But, my wife wants me behind here and to keep near,
In case we get stampeded from the crowd in the rear.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, FROM ALL OF US TO ALL OF YOU🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃

Pa was supposed to cut the turkey, but he cut something else instead,

It smelled like the skunk out in the road, that laid there 3 days dead,

Ma sprayed air conditioner all around,

It got in the food, and made us frown,

Pa finally cut the turkey, and got his family fed.

WOULD YOU LIKE A SPIT OF TURKEY

We have a chew and spit contest, on each Turkey Day,

We chew up our turkey, then spit it away,

We spit it at grandma, we spit it at pa,

We spit it at the twins, Ziggy and Spa,

The winner gets stuffing and gravy, hurrah!

I'm Comfortable, Except For The Tree

Someone placed a pretty flower above, on my worn headstone,

My body is so rotted, all that's left is my jaw bone,

My ghost sometimes will prance,

And, around my grave I'll dance,

The tree that has grown straight out of me, will often drop a cone.