THE FANCY PET DUDE

I bought a fancy pet dog, and bought him fancy pet food,

I now pretend to be a modern, fancy pet dude,

I chum with fancy pet owner friends,

It's a class of pretends,

Pretending a dog's business isn't crude.

POLLIWOG, TO EAT OR PLAY FETCH WITH? THAT IS THE QUESTION

I walked on down to the pond, and there met Mr. Prince Charming,

He had invested his nest eggs into Polliwog farming,

It was just a terrible deal,

Polliwogs have no pet appeal,

As human food, they might look o.k., but their smells are alarming.

THE E-SCOOTER THAT SCOOTED

My mean e-scooter ran far, far away,

And, left me laying in the road today,

He went so scary fast,

Left me wearing a cast,

I'm gonna sue, he vows he'll never pay.

MEAT, THE IN-LAWS

Henry had a wolverine, he raised it from a small pup,

Now Henry cannot feed the critters 24 hour sup,

So I took the critter off Henry's hands,

Set it free on my northern lands,

I told my in-laws they could camp for free, if they should come up.

LOSING MONEY THE OLD FASHION WAY: INVEST IT

My stock portfolio got down so low,
It had no further down it could go,
I added money hoping my portfolio would grow,
Where the money went my broker didn’t know,

I decided to invest in real estate,
But, when I entered the market it was too late,
Then, the banks all raised their interest rate,
I lost all my investment so, real estate I just hate,

I tried to hedge my money by buying gold,
But, as soon as I bought everyone else sold and sold,
My intentions were good and strategy bold,
Yet, my investment went south and I felt really cold,

I tried safe investing by buying up bonds and t-bills,
But, soon I found my safe portfolio was full of real ills,
My stomach felt like porcupine quills,
Now I’m broke and picking up bottles for my business thrills.

MY EYEBALLS ARE FUZZY, AND MY LIGHTS ARE BEE BUZZY

My light bulbs have some kind of bad disease,

They flicker on and off, an eyeball tease,

When off, it is scary,

When on, I'm just weary,

And, my lights are always buzzing, like bees.

JERKS

Wherever I travel, there are only mean jerks,

From my family at home, to the all store clerks,

I would just stay in bed,

But, I need to get fed,

I guess being real cruel are common human quirks.

THE DELIVERY SNAIL

I decided to buy a new front door,

But, it's too far to the nearest door store,

I bought a door through the mail,

It was delivered by snail,

And boy, was that little snail feeling soar.

FREDDY HAD VISITORS FROM SPACE

A small space shuttle landed in front of Freddy,

The craft landed behind the old crab apple tree,

Two little green creatures,

Who had no facial features,

Picked the apples, then sampled Fred's hair, blood and pee. 

THERE ONCE WAS A POLAR BEAR NAMED LARRY

There was a polar bear named Larry,
He was fat and slow and harry,
He once caught a seal,
But, when it started to squeal,
Larry dropped it because it was scary.

DEALING WITH PARASITES

In order to get them to act nice,

George made a deal with his little lice,

They could live in his beard,

It wouldn't get shaved or sheared,

And, George would bathe each year, only twice.

THE LIGHTNING STRIKE AND MY WHEELS

There was a blasted lightning strike,

It blew apart my motorbike,

I didn't at all care, 

I had one to spare,

It has three wheels, and called a trike.

I'M DONE DECORATING FOR THE SEASON

I found my plastic poinsettia for the winter holiday,

I thought it would be a real colorful display,

I stuck it in my front yard,

With a gargoyle guard,

To scare the Halloween vandals away.

THE YETI AND THE BANNANA

I looked out my train window, and saw a big yeti suit,

I think it was a guy, but it ran when the train went, "TOOT",

It ran into a chicken coup,

Could not see it, oh gosh, darn poop,

Out it came with a beer can, eating a banana fruit.

WHAT I'VE DONE SENCE COLLEGE

I studied corporate finance, also quantum physics two,

I got a job in banking, managed money, for people like yew,

Then the securities market tanked

My security licence was yanked,

Now I'm in a federal prison, but I got a window view.

WHAT I'VE DONE SINCE HIGH SCHOOL

From my burgers grease is dripping,

At the fast food place I'm burger flipping,

It's been my lifelong career,

Due to my counselor steer,

And, the teachers I spent my time ripping.

I RAISED THREE PIGS NAMED JASON

I raised three pigs named Jason,
They spent all their time horse-racing.
One day they went bold,
Their houses they sold,
They lost big while their pony was pacing.

The Jason’s were three brash little pigs,
They lived in really comfortable digs,
But, they bet all their money,
On a pony named Sony,
Now, they’re street vendors selling whiskey and cigs.

THE PIT AND THE SPIT

I decided to eat us a big peach,

Now, a peach has a big pit, my pa teach,

When my tooth made a hit,

I knew it be the pit,

I licked it dry, and spit it out of my reach.

THE FORTY TOOT SALUTE TO THE DRAGONFLY FOOTBALL TEAM

Forty toots on my toot toot,

Is the Dragonfly salute,

It's good when marching in a band,

Or, playing from a rising stand,

I show the team I give a hoot.

WHAT DIED IN PHIL'S PIE HOLE?

Phil had the most awful, smelly pie hole,

Like someone didn't flush a full bathroom bowel,

His love said, "no kiss",

"Would rather drink, dog piss",

The bad stink came from deep down in Phil's soul.

"THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH"

Phil became a landlord to make money, and it's aces,

He crams a lot of people into little tiny places,

Phil decided, what the heck,

He takes tenants whole paycheck,

Phil smiles, taking checks from those little starving faces.

I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT

I went to see the King of Pudding, and the King first had me jailed,

Because I did not like his puddings, the King next had me impaled, 

I appealed to his big boss,

She was the Queen of Mustard Sauce,

But before the Queen could act, all my internal organs failed.

THE WEEPING WILLOW TREE

There was a warped weeping willow tree, and it weeped, and weeped away,

It weeped spring, summer and fall, and cried icicles on Christmas Day,

It's parents were cut for firewood,

That made the willow cry real good,

Then the willow was cut for lumber, built a home for Mr. Gray. 

YETI, YETI IN THE WOODS

Yeti, Yeti in the woods,
You broke in my cabin and ate my canned goods,
You are just one evil dude,
Because you stole my favorite food,

I love my tuna from the sea,
I work hard to have it just for me,
I'd gladly give you my musk rat pelt,
If I could have my tuna melt.
,

MENU FOR MY DINNER PARTY

There's nothing more nutritious than burnt beans and raw fishes,

Everyone loves it:  guests lick clean their own dishes,

Then a desert of ice cream and tripe,

But the tripe must be ripe,

Finally, the fish bones may be broke granting wishes.

FRIDAY THE 13TH, BROWNIES AND "DIE DAY"

It is the evil number 13, on a Friday,

In the scary movies, it is known as the "die day",

You all better beware,

Get too much of a scare,

The back of undies, will have a big brownie pie day.

HALLOWEEN CANDY STORE

It's a real full moon,
And Halloween soon,
The trick and treaters,
Are candy over eaters,

 Making the candy store sales balloon.

I GOT MY CANDY BARS, BRING ON HALLOWEEN

I bought twenty-six pounds of candy bars for my Halloween,

I'm not sharing any of them, because I'm greedy and mean,

I am no silly fool,

My candy bars, stay cool,

I don't want the chocolate ones to melt, and make a messy scene.

NOBILITY, WORMS AND SQUIRMS

Oh, the noble chicken reigns, over the bugs and worms,

And, all creatures in the chicken coup, with the chicken, come to terms,

For the chicken, it can eat ya,

In a battle, it will defeat ya,

But, then here comes the fox, and in it's mouth the chicken squirms.

THE MOTORBIKE PIKE AND THE BEAR

Herman was a northern pike,
He rode around on a motorbike,
When the wind dried his scales,
Into a ditch Herman bails,
Where he was ate by a bear named, Big Mike.

 

A PACK OF COYOTE ALMOST CHEWED MY BONES

I went to the woods to find animal skulls, for props on Trick Or Treat,

I forgot the woods  has lots of coyote, and bones they like to eat,

I ran into a pack of those dogs,

They knocked me down, by piled logs,

I almost was their next meal, but I grabbed a stick, and gave them a beat.

A BIG CAT BOUNCE

A great big snow tiger, chased frightened Santa in his sleigh,

The reindeer team had been drinking, and could not fly away,

When the big snow tiger pounced,

Off Santa's belly he bounced,

Into a train and Santa sang "Na, Na,Na, Na, Hey, Hey...".

RABIES AND THE SNOWMAN

My snowman has rabies and he is unkind,

He threw snow in my face and made my eyes blind,

He had him some chew,

Spit tobacco on my shoe,

He bit me so now, I have rabies I find.

I BOUGHT PROPERTY TO HUNT ON

I signed a purchase agreement, and bought a tiny, country lot,

All it has for a bathroom is a deer blind, and a two quart pot,

There is no place to sleep,

Except under the stars, or in my jeep,

I did find a roadkill deer, I'd eat it, but it's got some rot.

MY WATCHING THE NORTHERN STAR DEFENCE

I was watching the northern star,
Unfortunately, I was driving my car,
I hit some black ice,
My car spun round thrice,
I ended up in the same lane at par.

A BUG HAS NO CHANCE AGAINST A TIGHT TOAD AND A SNAKE

A bug and a snake got into a fight,

The snake slid away because that bug could bite,

Then, from off the road,

Hoped a bug eating toad,

He ate the bug for the toad and the snake were real tight.

THERE WAS A DOBERMAN NAMED SKIMP

There once was a Doberman named Skimp,
He could climb up trees just like a chimp,
He once fell down,
Upon a Greyhound,
Now Skimp climbs up trees with a gimp.

Skimp was a Doberman that went to high school,
He was  excelled at math and could swim,
He was the best at math and made algebra cool,
At swim meets he'd always win.

A PSYCHIC'S PRIDE IN MEDIOCRITY

Misty couldn't spell psychiatry,
So, a psychic she would be,
Her predictions that came true,
Numbered less than a few,
But, she was proud of mediocrity.

THE DEBT CEILING WORRY POEM

Many Americans worry about a "Debt Ceiling"'

I wonder what, where, and why,

For when I look up from where I stand,

I can see only the sky. 

TO SAVE DINNER ADD CHERRIES AND TUNA FISH

I wanted to make a great dinner like is served at the Ritz,

I went to the store and acquired gravy and fresh grits,

 My cooked grits turned out chunky,

The gravy smelled kind of funky,

So, I mixed in some tuna fish and sweet cherries without pits.

   

I SPILLED MY SODA IN MY GOLDFISH TANK, AND MY GOLDFISH, HE DONE DIED

I cried and cried when my goldfish died, because I spilled my soda pop,

In criminal court, I was fair tried, after being arrested by the goldfish cop,

With my pet I won't grow old,

I'm celled in prison, alone, cold,

I am guilty I must confide, because the tank had no pop, stop, top.

Fred's Last Wish

There was a voice echoing in my brainy head,

Turned out it was actually, my dead pet guppy, Fred,

He told me he had just one wish,

That I would never eat a fish,

So all my cans of tuna went to my bulldog, Zed.

THE ACETAMINOPHEN BLUES

I ordered acetaminophen, and got it in the mail,

I took acetaminophen, drove my car, and went to jail,

They said I was intoxicated,

By some numbers I was rated,

I'll be spending the weekend here, because I have no funds to make the bail.

I WENT LOOKING FOR SANTA

I went out West to visit Santa,

But, Santa was not there,

I went back East to visit Santa,

I couldn't find a Santa hair,

I went down South to visit Santa,

"No Santa down here," I was told,

I did not go up North to visit Santa,

Because up there it's just too cold.  

I'M GONNA BE COOL IN LIVERPOOL

The solar eclipse is coming; the goose pooped in my hat,

And, I was rejected by every single college frat,

I think I will drop out of school,

And trip over to Liverpool,

I heard that in Old England, is where all the actions at.

A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON NAMED BOB

A fire breathing dragon named bob,
Would only eat corn on the cob,
What he liked most?
Was to give it a toast,
Then scarf the corn down like a slob.

ROSEY NOSEY FROZEN TOESY

I went outside for recess, and froze my nosey,

Now, everyone says it's a red glowing rosey,

When I walked school to home,

I went on a town roam,

That's when I froze my big tosey.

I WENT LOOKING FOR ROADKILL AND BECAME THE GAME

I walked down the highway to get me a thrill,

To find me some roadkill to cook on my grill,

In the far lane I found meat,

But, my quest became incomplete,

When I took a joyride on a Ford pickup's front grill. 

I ACCOMPANIED WITH MY TOOTER

I was lying around the hotel, and Diego rang,

He wanted me to do some tooting trumpet while he sang,

I of course replied, "yes, yes"',

The display was a success,

I brought a firecracker, so we ended going, BANG!

HE ATE ANKLE AND GOT PAINTED

There was a strange maniac, who lived under Chester's stuffed couch,

When Chester sat down, he bit Chester's heel, and Chester cried, "Ouch!"

Chester got his paintball gun,

That maniac took a run,

The maniac got painted pretty; the neighbors would vouch.

GOURD OF THE EYES

I bought a big gourd for the holidays, it was full of guys,

They were ugly, little gnarly bugs, with great big bulging eyes,

The bugs attacked, and devoured me,

Except in my brain, they raised larvae,

Hoping their baby gnarly bugs, would eat brains and turn out wise. 

SANTA WENT DOWN THE MOUNTAIN

Elves make a tasty, magic beer,

That Santa over intakes, I fear,

He slammed a mountain, with his sleigh,

Broke all the new toys, made that day,

Now, Santa is missing, oh dear.

THE PENGUIN AND HIS PIGS

We were once bestest friends, the penguin and I,

I'd lift him up, and he'd pretend he could fly,

Then he ran off with my sweetie,

Far away to Tahiti,

Last I heard, they were raising pigs in Dubai.

THE PENGUIN AIN'T NO FRIEND OF MINE

There once was a penguin, his name was Charlie,

He wasn't my friend, he stole my Harley,

He stole my babe too,

On my porch, thru poo,

He brews nasty beer, too cheap to buy barley.

THE HALLOWEEN GHOST-FISH

I ate for dinner a Halloween ghost-fish,

It had flavor, but it had no nutrish,

Although, it tasted like salmon,

It did not ease my famine,

But, my cat still licked clean my fish dish.

SONNY DUG MARS

Old Sonny went to mars to dig in the soil,

Everyone called him a crazy old moil,

But he found in his ditch,

The stuff that makes all men rich,

His ditch filled up with grade A crude oil.

CRAZY BENNY WENT DEEP INTO SPACE

Crazy Benny went into deep space,
He went there to save the whole human race,
When he met an alien he said, "check your shoelace",
Then Benny would spray him with his alien mace,

One day Benny met an alien with eyes all over his head,
Benny ran out of mace, then his mind filled with dread,
Then the alien shook hands and said, "My name is Fred,
Why do humans have such fear that you all wet to bed?"

Benny and the aliens became friends really fast,
They buried disagreements deep into the past,
Benny signed trade agreements that would clearly last,
In this new galaxy cheap labor numbers were vast.

THE SHINY, PRETTY THING I KILLED

I observed a shinny, pretty flower,

I feared a big, ugly bug might devour,

So I got some bug spray,

And, I sprayed away,

The flower was dead, within an hour.

THE LITTLE GREEN WARLOCK STAIRS

A little green warlock, lived at the top of my stairs,

He refused to go outside, because of the big bears,

I said just cast a spell,

Send the bears off to dwell,

To a land where there's plenty of fish, honey, and pears.

THIS IS MY MOMMY'S HOUSE, SO GET LOST

I kicked them completely, out of my mommy's house,

They made bad choices, so I decided to un-spouse,

It was a cold rainy day,

In the third week of May,

They got stinking drunk, and puked all over my blouse.