TURNED IN BY LITTLE GOODY-TWO-SHOES

Little Goody-Two-Shoes has turned me in once again,
It seems that my loud, obscene music is a nasty sin,
However, Little Goody-Two-Shoes,
Don't understand real strong booze,
When loud and obnoxious, is a natural win.

MY NEIGHBOR NEEDS A SHIRT LIMERICK

My neighbor was born with an extra arm and  a hand,
To find a shirt that would fit him he searched over the land,
Then, on one flea market table,
There was a cloth made of sable,
He cut some holes in it and felt royally grand.

LEPRECHAUN: EATER OF WORMS

Kelly the leprechaun eats nothing but worms,
He washes them thoroughly because he does not like germs,
He use to like greens,
Kohlrabi and beans,
But, they were gassy and gave his belly the churns.

 

THERE WAS A LITTLE TEA POT POEM 2012

There was a little tea pot,
And, it began to leak,
It electrified the electric stove,
That made the cook really freak,

The cook ran out of the house,
As the stove glowed and began to spark,
Lights flickered all through the house,
Then the entire house went dark,

There was a little leaky tea pot,
It blew every circuit in the house,
Now the house is abandoned and condemned,
Its tenant is just one mouse.

I DID PAINTS

I wanted to paint my bedroom with colors that make me smile,

So I bought a bunch of discount paints and painted for a while,

My bedroom is small and tight,

The colors are brash and bright,

But upon reflection, I think they reflect my style.

BARRY THE VAMPIRE HAS ALERGIES

There was a vampire named Barry,
He drank blood, but was allergic to dairy,
He ate some ice cream,
Then started to scream,
His mouth became dry and felt hairy.

Fishing Buddies Caught The Big One

Jamie had a big fish on his fishing line,

Jerked, and jerked the pole held up just fine,

Joey held the net,

Hard, the fish was to get,

And, fast went the fish at a dinner with wine.

DAVY: A ROMANCE POEM

Davy has amazing hips,

He acquired, eating chips,

A genetic fluke, gave him fish lips,

His favorite protein is canned kips,

Guzzles beer, water sips.

I BOUGHT A STOCK LIMERICK

I bought several  shares of stock ,
I lost so much money my teeth I did hock,
I thought I had ivory to spare,
Thought I'd grow a new pair,
When I did not it came as a shock.

SMELLY PEOPLE MAKE PEOPLE SNEEZE

Our flight was delayed by 29 hours,

Nobody could get to any showers,

When everyone sneezed,

The entire planed wheezed,

Then we landed in somebody's flowers. 

DONNY EXPANDING PANTS

As Donny's belly pressure grew alot stronger,

He realized his belt size was becoming wronger,

The fat fryer got the blame,

That blame seemed really lame,

Suspenders helped Donny expand a little longer.

I LOST MY TEETH PLAYING TETHERBALL

I lost my teeth playing tetherball,

That smack in my face should have been a foul call,

They almost called my next of kin,

And, the guy didn't need to play rough to win,

I'm 5'2" and he's 7' tall.

I'LL BE GROWING POTATOES IN THE NEIGHBOR'S FIELD, COME SPRING

I wanted to try a magnificent pillage,😈

So I went over to the neighboring village,😁

They had swords over there,😧

I lost head and hair,😢

I now wait in a field for spring tillage.💀

ARE APTITUDE TESTS EVER WRONG?

I took an aptitude test for a job,

While eating buttery corn on the cob,

The results of my test,

Said the job I'd do me best,

Was stuffing food in my mouth like a slob.

I BUY MY. WINE AT DOLLAR STORES

My table wine did not taste so good,

Flavored like the polish I use on wood,

My eyes turned dark green,

Hurt in kidneys, liver spleen,

Discount wine maybe bad, now understood.

CHICKEN EATER, OBSESSED

I eat chicken for every meal,

And to and from work; behind the wheel,

I like chicken for a night snacky,

Or any hunger attacky,

And corn breaded fried chicken, has sex appeal.

IN MY STARS BENEATH THE SNOW

The creatures plot against me; those that live beneath the snow,

They are watching my every move; when I come and go,

The snakes, the rats, the bugs, the mice,

 Fured chipmunks, home to mange and lice,

They all plot my future, and arrange my stars of woe.

CLIFF FALLING, NOT AS SAFE AS IT LOOKS

I fell off a cliff and broke many a good bone,

Didn't hurt while I fell, that changed when I hit stone,

My mind conjured a thread,

With pics of me dead,

I woke up all stapled, and bolted, and sewn.

SKEDGEMOG LAKE RATTLESNAKE NEWS

I jumped into my boat and was bit by a giant rattlesnake,

I did not know how it got there, but I was at ole Skedgemog Lake,

I tried running up the shore, 

Made it to about yard four,

Then I realized I'd soon be honored, with a good old Irish wake.

MY WAR WITH LEPRECHAUN (WAR OF THE DAISIES).

A leprechaun ate my garden of daisies,

When I saw my garden, I got the crazies,

So I grabs me a stick,

For that leprechaun, sick,

But, he tazered me first with some tazies.  

DONNY DO NOT SIT, OR ELSE YOU'LL HEAR A RIP

Because Donny's diet he darn, done quit,

Donny's massive girdle did not quite fit,

So Donny's fab brand new suit,

Was a tailor's troubleshoot,

The suit fit; long as Donny did not sit.

BARRY WAS A TWEETIE BIRDIE

Barry was a tweetie-birdie,
But, his tweets were way too wordy,
So, he quit using the vowel,
On verbs, he threw in the towel,
His tweets are now not so purdy.

Barry the singing bird was quite the tweeter,
He said nothing new; he was a tweet repeater,
His tweets were not bold,
They were copies so old,
Barry was just a tweet thief and a cheater.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE

When there's big sunshine,

I feel warm, fine,

Fresh air with a whiff of pine,

I own the day; it's mine,

On the back porch I will wine and dine.

PLIGHT OF THE TUMBLED ME

Down the mountain I skied with fantastic skill

And the mountain I skied was no bunny hill,

Then came a horrible stumble,

I took a half mile tumble,

I work o.t. to pay my hospital bill.

LAST THOUGHTS FROM THE DITCH

Down the highway my car went fast, spinning,

If it were a race, I would have been winning,

But there was a glitch,

I found a deep ditch,

Then regretted I spent my life sinning.

I.PARTIED WITH THE NEIGHBOR'S BEAR

I saw a great big old bear chewing on my neighbor's face,

It didn't bother me since it wasn't happening on my place,

Then the bear and neighbor went inside,

Their bearmance they wanted to hide,

Later I went to visit, brought cold beers, about a case.

PAUL CAUGHT A CATERPILLAR BUT, IT WAS IN A BAD PLACE

Paul caught a caterpillar by sticking a finger up Paul's nose,

The caterpillar spun a cocoon and that's where a butterfly grows,

But, Paul don't care,

For his brain is mostly unaware,

Besides, some real strange life forms grow between Paul's gnarly toes.

WATER CONSERVATIVE WITH NO FRIENDS STANDING BY

Joe changes his bath water every 100 days,

That's why next to Joe, no one long standing stays,

Joe did buy brand new cloths,

Perfumed up like a rose,

Joe smelled fine, but soon returned to his sewage smelling ways.

I SMELLED SOMETHING NASTY TO THE DRAGON, WILLIAM TELL

A dragon came to see me and said his name was William Tell,

I replied that my name was Anonymous, a troll that lived in the well,

He didn't speak French so good,

I don't, but wish I could,

I mainly speak in Trollebic, a language based on smell.

TOLD THE DINOSAUR STORY AND MY FACE IS SORRY

I was told that dinosaurs never existed,

I was told my brain was evil and twisted,

That was such bad news,

That I sang the blues,

For that my face got slapped, and thrice fisted.

A DAYLIGHT SAVINGS POSITIVE RESULT

Now I can golf one more hour,

That gives me some kind of power,

I love to cheat,

To win me an eat,

I just have to remember to shower.

Little Goat Goes To School

Little Goat goes to school,

He gets straight A's, as a rule,

Goat once got a D,

In geometry,

Teach raised it to an A cause Goat's cool.

LITTLE GOAT GOES TO COLLEGE

A little goat ate all my flowers,

In record time, with his chewing powers,

I had to say

"Little goat, go away",

Now he lives in a dorm called The Towers.

THE RAW TRAVELIER

George needed to get his self some chaw,

So he traveled down to old Saginaw,

When George got off the Bus,

The police made a fuss,

For George traveled entirely raw.

WARNING: DON'T CHEW TOBACCO LITTLE VOLES

There was a little tobacco chewing vole,

He lived decrepit in my cereal bowl,

He had lost most of his teeth,

And, some jaw bone beneath,

Only oatmeal fills his tummy and his soul.

THE THREE HARPIES LIMERICKS

Three Harpies sat up in a tree,
Waiting still there just for me,
They were very rude,
They stole my barbequed food,
Now when I barbeque, they won’t let me be.

The three Harpies should go away, I wish,
They won’t leave me in peace to catch a fish,
When my bobber goes down in the lake,
Off my hook they take,
The food I need for my dinner dish.

Three Harpies got into my refrigerator today,
They ate all my food and din't offer to pay,
I now have nothing to eat,
My bankbook is deplete,
I wish those Harpies would  just go away.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME AND ME

Today daylight savings time, it starts,
So the idle can run around in their golf carts,
But what about me,
I have to get up and can’t see,
I don’t play golf instead, I play darts.

MAXINE AND ROD

There once were two peas in a pod,

Their names were Maxine and Rod,

From their spacious abode,

They were cooked, then they goed,

Crowded into a can like the cod.

WET DOG DINNER

My pet turkey went feral and ate Chewy, the nice dog,

Chewy had six puppies to feed, and pets goldfish and frog,

A bonfire made things seem alright,

We roasted murderer turkey that night,

 But the turkey tasted just like wet dog on a log.

Dave's Daylight Savings Time Outfit

Dave just had to start golfing, now that days have gone long,

He was all fitted up with new golf shoes and golf thong,

Not to be mean,

But out on the green,

The thong just kinda looked wrong.

PEEP THE GATOR AND SLEEP

With one less hour of sleep,

I'm afraid, on the road I can't keep,

I'll slide off the edge,

Then the river, they'll dredge,

And find my bones in  gator named Peep.

THE GOVERNMENT IS TAKING MY SLEEP AWAY

The authorities are demanding, I give up one hour of sleep,

But I'm thinking, that maybe, that sleep I should keep,

Daylight Savings Time,

Is a humanitarian crime,

Those who agree, honk your horn and go "Beep!"

TENT CAMPING WITH TILDA

Tilda the Tent kept everyone warm,

Tilda kept heads dry during the thunderstorm,

The lightning came free,

Striking both tent posts and me,

Tilda the tent was now in rag form.

AT DOMINOES I STINK BUT, AT CHESS I WIN WITH DRINK

Little numbers I'm not good to choose,

So at dominoes I was destined to loose,

So I played at chess,

The moves I did guess,

I did better; I think it were the good booze.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS CONFUSED

Soon we will jump one whole hour ahead,

I'll lose sleep for one week and feel very brain dead,

What is left and right?

Why stop at red light,

And do I pickup our baby or visit grandpa instead?

THE INTERN

There once was an old man,  most called him a Vern,

He worked in TV as an aging intern,

His promotions were slow,

And real pay was a "No",

Vern never gave up, figured soon, come his turn.

PIGS IN A PICKLE

Farley was a chicken farmer, who was allergic to chicken meat,

So he would have to eat chicken eggs, if chicken he was to eat,

One day Farley ate some pork,

And new flavors he did uncork,

So Farley switched to raising pigs, and dined on their pickled feet.

VIGILANTE PORCH PIRATE JUSTICE

Three porch pirates walked into a bar,

Each showed their biggest porch pirating scar,

One lost two fingers to a machete,

Another lost his pelvis to a pet Yetii,

The third got his head chopped, it now floats in a jar.

MY TOOTHBRUSH DROWNED IN A TOXIC POND

My toothbrush fell into the toilet, before it had been flushed,

It was like family, that toothbrush, so now I'm completely crushed,

My 5 siblings hit the toilet first,

None flush, afraid pipes will burst,

Now I must decide my friend's sad fate, I will not be rushed.

THE WINEMAKER BRAGS AND PUCKERS

My homemade wine was doing fine, until the little flies came calling,

The little flies contaminated my wine, and then I couldn't stop bawling,

The little flies had put me in a real bad place,

Their vinegar wine gave me a pucker-face,

My friends want a glass of my bragged up wine, and I just keep on stalling.

MY GARBAGE CAN IS NOT WELL

My garbage came down with the flew,

A truck hit it, and the can was brand new,

It was so sad,

For the can, I felt bad,

For my grief, I think the driver I'll sue.

THE WIND PUSHED ME FROM THE AIR, TOWARD DEATH AND DESPAIR

I was high in the sky with my little plane,

When the sky decided to have a plane drain,

I raced to the ground,

And made a "BOOM!" sound,

Now I walk round my hood with a cane.

THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT, LIMERICK

I saw a pretty butterfly, but it was already dead,

It seems a bird had seen it first, and nibbled off it's head,

But at least I viewed the wings,

All pretty colors, and design things,

So I bought some matching sheets, to be a butterfly in bed.

FENDING OFF DISEASE AND BUGS

Varmints come and varmints go,

Some bring lice; some virus woe,

Don't be a dope,

Wash hands soap,

And shower from head to toe.

MY TWEET, TWEET WAR

I got told off, and it was bitter,

By a bot troll, trolling Twitter,

They said I was a stupid quitter,

Said I should shut up, or I'd getter,

I addressed the bot, called them, Dim Witter. 

PRETTY PAM OR THE PIG

Terry had a little lamb, named her Pretty Pam

He treated Pretty Pam, like she was some close fam,

Terry did not remember,

To buy groceries in December,

So Terry ate his little lamb, but spared his pig, named Fatso Sam.

THE PIZZA POEM

MY PIZZA
I went and bought a pizza,
I thought it really fine,
I set out my best paper plates,
And, poured out some red wine,

I invited over good friends,
So, together we could sup,
But, before my friends could get here,
My dog ate my pizza up.

IF YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOLDFISH ALIVE

Mommy says I can't have a puppy, unless I can keep a goldfish alive,

So far that's not going well, no matter how hard I strive,

Most fish die by week two,

Some make it three, just a few,

I fear I may never have a puppy; I just turned 35.

Mommy says I can't start dating, unless I can keep a goldfish alive...

GOLDFISH HEAVEN

Heaven is full of goldfish, thanks to me,

Every time I buy one, they live two weeks, maybe three,

The body goes into the toilet bowl,

One flush separates corpse from soul, 

This is as close as my goldfish get to a burial at sea.

I NAILED TWO BOARDS TOGETHER

I nailed two boards together, but methinks those boards I should have screwed,

I did not have screws or a screwdriver, so I hammered and nailed, so crude,

Now the weather is getting bad,

My boards are loosening, so sad,

Soon my shack will blow away, and to the weather gods, I'll be nude.