FREE PORK FROM THE EX

Steve knew his stomach was troubled,
As it perked, gurgled and bubbled,
He ate rancid pork that was free,
From former wife named Kaylee,
Now, his bathroom trips have more than doubled.

THERE WAS A RABBIT NAMED RANDY

There was a rabbit named Randy,
He only ate Halloween candy,
He got really big,
Now he oinks like a pig,
And drowns his sorrows with brandy.

There was a rabbit named Randy,
His fur was salty and sandy,
He gained lots of weight,
So, he couldn't get a date,
It's a good thing that Randy is handy.

GRIEF FROM THE BEEF

I bought my family a big piece of beef,

Didn't know it would bring them constipation relief,

They used the stocks of toilet paper,

Painted porcelain, made bad vapor,

Clearance slimy beef is not worth the great grief.

I GOT A QUANTUM COMPUTER FOR CHRISTMAS

I got a quantum computer but, don't know what it does,

Never heard of a quantum in books or in buzz,

I've been doing just fine,

Learning Albert Einstein,

With quantum, I don't know my now from my was.

I YELLED AT MY PUPPY QUEEN, THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN

It's the day after Halloween,

And, I am feeling so unclean,

I ate so much candy, I split my spleen,

The sugar high made me mean, 

I yelled at my puppy, Queen,

The toilet bowl is now my scene,

Where I lose candy and turn grass green.

I AM PROTEIN

I went to see witches to buy magic brew,

Alas, they hit me on the head and threw me into their stew,

It wasn't so bad,

Between the potatoes and bread,

I was the protein for one meal, maybe two.

I'M A SELFIE ADDICT

I owed money on my phone,

So, I had to get a payday loan,

No money for meat, I begged for bone,

Lost the car and slept on stone,

All to send selfies to people unknown.

I FINDS ME AN EARTHWORM

I went looking for earthworms to fish in the sea,

And, me finds an earthworm measuring in feet, thirty-three,

So, I turns to run,

But, that son-of-gun,

Catches and devours me.

     

                                                 The End

REVENGE OF THE GASSY GHOST

A terrible ghost is haunting my house,

It's the guy I had poisoned when he was my spouse,

So gassy is he,

Makes my eyes watery,

And, he's spoiling my Halloween dinner grouse.

THERE WAS AN OLD WITCH ON HALLOWEEN

There was an old witch on Halloween,
Her hair was black, here eyes were green,
She used her broom,
To sweep her room,
Her home was exceptionally clean.


There was an old witch on Halloween,
Her favorite colors were red and green,
No orange and no black,
Other witches fought back,
Turned the old witch into a money machine.

WHERE THE CARIBOU GREW NOT

I went hunting for caribou to put in my stew,

But, where I lived no caribou grew,

Now, there are some black bear,

Some ducks, cougars and hare,

And, barn bats, green snakes, worms and shrew.

WHEN THE FULL MOON IS UP

When the full moon is up and it's chillin',
Then, the werewolves come a killin',
From the deep darkest woods,
They be after your goods,
And, on your meat they will be a fillin'.

I DO NOT LIKE TO FREEZE, MY WOE

I do not like the rain and snow,🌧❄

I do not like off road car blow,🌬🚙

I do not like I freeze, my woe,🙊

I do not like to pay for tow,🚜

Not ready for the ho, ho, ho. 🎅

THE RAINY, RAINY, RAINY LIMERICK

My bones are all in painy,

Cause it rainy, rainy, rainy

It puts hurt into my brainy,

I'll probably go insainy,

Overeat, then weight I'll gainy.

WHERE LAY THE BONES

Snow is coming, this I fear,

My right eye pees a single tear,

I have not stored enough ginger beer,

Nor, have I scored my needs in deer,

Methinks by spring my bones lay here.

WHEN IT COMES TO MONSTERS, DON'T COUNT ON PARROTS

You never know when monsters are going to get you while you sleep,

I taught my parrot to warn me by yelling "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!"

Well, last night the monsters got me really, really bad,

They painted on me a clown face that looked so awfully sad,

And, what happened to my parrot who was supposed to go "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP,"

Apparently, he said, "to heck with this; I'm going to go to sleep."

THE BEEF POEM

Beef is a prized and expensive thing,
When a customer buys, the butcher angels sing,
And, the cash register has a louder ring,
Beef is so expensive to the billfold it's a sting,
It's even replaced gold as one's favorite kind of bling,
Beef!

I AM TWICE REVENANT YES, TWICE BACK FROM THE DEAD

I am twice revenant yes, twice back from the dead,
Back from a vast world where deep passions are fed,
Where love ala-carte,
Re-booted my heart,
Now, back in the world of the alone I must tread.

SUPERNATURAL REPUTATION BOAST

Locked doors don't keep out vengeful ghosts,

Or the deities that hate me most,

But, their disdain I bear,

I show that I do not scare,

Such haters is my reputations' best boast.

MY GOLDFISH IS A GOOD PET, NOT!

My goldfish is a nincompoop because poop is all he does,

Except he'll swim to the top of his bowel to eat a piece of fuzz,

I wish for a better pet than he,

For he does not comfort me,

He has no fluffy fur, he cannot pur or, love me just because.

I

BIG FOOTS ATE UP ALL THE BEARS

In Michigan it gives me scares,
Here big foots ate up all the bears,
Now will the big foots come for me,
I'm really tender and I think tasty,

Oh big foot, big foot in the night,
Go away, don't cause me fright,
Now that all the bears are gone,
You keep me awake from dusk till dawn,

Oh mighty big foot please go away,
Birds taste a lot better anyway,
Try eating rabbit or maybe deer,
I taste like veggies and smell like beer.

OCTOBER FULL MOON

The October full moon gives Sam a shaking scare,

Sam fears a monster or zombie, instead of just a mean bear,

Sam can't go to sleep,

When Sam's heart races, beep beep,

And, urine-sweat has wet down Sam's long hair.

I'M COMING UNHINGED AS I WALK WITH THE DEAD

Sometimes I'm feeling so cold,

And, up my legs is creeping green mold,

I'm not living they said,

Because I walk with the dead,

Eating the flesh of the young and the old,

So, how did I get in this place?

I got bit by my friend, Robert Ace,

Then, the infection got bad,

Soon I died, it's so sad,

I tried to sue but, no one took my case,

I won't wander for an eternity,

Because my flesh, it rots off of me,

After I've human flesh binged,

My bones will become all unhinged,

And, their nutrients will feed some old tree.

THE AFTERLIFE LIMERICK

Into the dirt or the fires in death we remorse,
To the worms or the ashes, what is our recourse,
Either a worm feces we become,
Or, an old tin urn we pour from,  
Finally, we return to the piles of our source.

CREAM SODA MOON PIES HAIKU

Cream soda, moon pies,
Nutritional? Summer snack,
Lazy days and me.

BIFF THE SNOWMAN WAS KIND OF NUTS

Biff the snowman was kind of nuts they say,
He’d bug people and wouldn’t go away,
If he saw you were busy,
He’d talk you into a big tizzy,
I can hardly wait until it warms up in May.

FIREWOOD, WHAT A STEAL

I found some firewood,

It was in a condition that was good,

So, I loaded what I could,

Ate lunch; an orange and pud,

Then drove back to my own hood.

STRAWBERRY-PIE PLANT PIE

Deep, delicious radiant treat.

My strawberry-rhubarb pie,

Without its luster before my table seat,

I would  crash and die,

Strawberry-rhubarb pie my friends,

Strawberry-rhubarb pie,

The gods created flavors of other things,

 And, I ask the gods "just exactly why,"

Strawberry-rhubarb pie has the absolute taste,

And, no other flavors can remotely compare,

Why waste hours combining various bakery paste,

When, pie-plant and strawberries are the true baker's ware. 

I'M PAYING BILLS ONLINE LIMERICK

Online bill paying has brought me great terror,
For my screen keeps flashing a red "error,"
My bills are all due,
At midnight I'm through,
Late fee e-mails are a real bad news bearer. 

FISH PUDDING PIE

For dessert I made fish pudding pie,
It was so bad that it made everyone die,
Then, when we all met on the other side,
My diners didn't let my cooking slide,
And, walked away without saying goodbye.

I IMAGINE A SUNDAY DINNER

It was a spectacular meal,

Especially good was the veal,

The potatoes were so tender,

My taste buds had to surrender,

Extra cake, I just had to steal.

SNOOKEY THE SHARK LIVES IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

Snookey the Shark lives in Grand Traverse Bay,

She eats every swimmer that swims in her way,

But, every Fourth of July,

She eats every swimmer, oh my,

Then, she burps for the rest of the day.

MR. WHEELER'S BANJO BAD

Mr. Wheeler was so banjo bad,
His wrong notes just made sad sad,
So, beat the drums,
Drown those banjo hums,
And, all humanity will be thankee-glad.

JOHNNY IS DONE ITCHING HIS WORMS

Johnny got intestinal worms,

They caused itching and gave Johnny the squirms,

He drank hot sauce for medication,

Destroyed the worm confederation,

Johnny's cured, his not itching confirms.

THE POLTERGEIST PIGS

My pigs became poltergeist haunting critters,
They were all determined to give me the jitters,
Because ham and bacon yesterday,
Was their fate for my pay,
But, their haunting I'll shake off with some bitters.

 

ALL I LEARNED FROM SCHOOL AND LIFE

I went to school for many years and did not see no gains,

For all the teachers did to me was wrap my head up with tight chains,

Then, my bosses yanked those chains so hard, they squished up all my brains,

The only thing I feel right now are constant headache pains,

So, society retired me early to a place with more insanes.

JEETER BUILT A WOOD HEATER LIMERICK

There was a man named Mr. Jeeter,
He built a home made wood/coal heater,
It was not well built,
It had a bad tilt,
The fire was a rapid home eater. 

THE FINANCES OF A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON

There was a dragon named Bill,

He worked at the card shop by the mill,

And, when his own funds got depleted,

Bill often repeated,

A five finger discount from the till.

GARBAGE DAY AND SEAGULLS HAIKU

Garbage day, seagulls,
Plastic bags, meat, fish,veggies,
Gulls flock, rip, tear, mess.

10921

MY DINNER RAN AWAY

My dinner got up and ran away,
I begged that chipmunk but, he wouldn't stay,
So, it's off to the backyard,
To catch some critter off its guard,
Maybe, I'll dig for some worms in the clay.

TOILET TANK TABLETS ARE NOT FOR AQUARIUMS

I use tablets to clean my toilet tank,

I dropped one into my aquarium and it sank,

But, you know what was weird,

When the aquarium water was cleared,

My fish all played dead for a prank.

THERE WAS A DUCK NAMED MURKY LIMERICK

There was a duck named Murky,
He sounded like a turkey,
It only stood to reason,
During hunting season,
He was shot for being quirky.

BESIDE THE LAKE WITH THE WILD FLOWERS LIMERICK

Beside the lake with the wild flowers,
I laid down and dreamed for hours,
Then along came the bees,
They had no mood for a tease,
I'm depending on my recuperative powers.

BRAIN EATING ZOMBIE SQUIRREL

My mind is in a complete whirl,
I was attacked by a brain eating zombie squirrel,
He jumped on my head,
Soon I was dead,
If I eat anything but brains I will hurrell.

A GHOST NAMED BOO

There once was a ghost they called Boo.
His eyes, hair and teeth were all blue,
He bleached himself white,
The bleach burned day and night,
So, it made the ghost go boohoo.

A ghost named Boo would haunt and scare,
Everyone he tried to terror,
He went out of the house,
To frighten a mouse,
But, was frightened himself by a bear.

BOBBY THE WOLF

Bobby the wolf has one good eye,
No one knows because he is sly,
He stays leader of the pack,
But, when the bears attack,
He doesn't see them, so all wolves die.


,

WATCH OUT FOR FROG MONSTERS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

Watch out for frog monsters in Grand Traverse Bay,
They’ll nibble your toes off if you get in their way,
They prefer to eat perch,
Roasted over aged birch,
After an appetizer of the finest pâté.

Watch out for frog monsters when you swim on your back,
The sight of your spine will make frog monsters attack,
They bite with no fear,
Making your eyes really tear,
They won’t break the skin but, will leave your skin blue and black.

Watch out for frog monsters in Grand Traverse Bay,
They’ll pull out the hairs on your chin as you swim,
Splashing does not drive frog monsters away,
They will leave you alone only on their own whim.

MY BIRTHDAY

Today is my birthday and I'm 104,🎂🍸

I often take naps in the line at the store,🏬

I forget where my chair is and just fall on the floor,🐀🐁

The mail I can't read so, my bills I ignore,📭

I can't remember who won the ballgame or the war,🤔❓

I don't get good rest because I wakeup when I snore,💤💤💤

I'm told that I don't remember much anymore,💩

My family's all ghosts and they tell me, I bore,👻

My saving is spent so, I'm incredibly poor,💸

It stinks to have birthdays at 104.🍸

JALAPENOS, FOR GOOD OR BAD

Would you like some jalapenos with your evening meal?

They taste good with everything, from escargot to veal,

Now, consuming jalapeno peppers you may rue,

For your mouth will be a sweaty goo,

And, your nose will drop snot green or blue,

Then, you'll feel a burning pain when you try to go poo-poo.

NO SWIM AT THE GYM, STINKY SHOES

There were some stink bugs in my shoes,

Now, my footsies are bad news,

I got banned from the gym,

I thought I'd clean off with a swim

But, the members had alternative views.

WHY JIM PITCHED A POP

Poor Jim, with his shampoo his roommate did a switchie,

Now, Jim's head is most terrible itchy,

Of course, Jim's roommate was so vile,

That he cracked one big smile,

Which Jim smacked with a pop bottle pitchie. 

I CAME ACROSS ZOMBIES

I came across zombies who were all eating bugs,

I offered them brains but, I got no bites or head hugs,

I think they were crazy,

Or, just really lazy,

To lazy to wipe drool from their mugs.

THE TENDER LOVE OF CHICKENS

I had a chicken named Jenny,
She hung out with a rooster named Benny,
When Benny walked through the ferns,
With his long comb and sideburns,
Jenny thought her beau wasn't just any.

When my chicken Jenny married Benny the rooster,
I decided to make my chicken dinner a twoster,
I invited family to the feast,
Of the bird couple beasts,
Their love was a real tender booster.

THERE ONCE WAS A GHOST NAMED NANCY-Limerick

There once was a ghost named Nancy,
She liked to dress up really fancy,
She liked to wear hats,
All covered with bats,
Which made any onlooker antsy.

Nancy was a real crazy ghost,
She liked to hide behind a post,
She would jump out and say,
"Boo! You go away,"
She was thought of as a poor host.

BEET THE WORMS

I went down to the rover to wash off my beets,

When I cook beets with butter, they're sought after treats,

But, when I washed off the clay,

I felt such dismay,

The roots were worm homes and worm eats.

TWINKLE, TWINKLE I'M A STAR

Twinkle, Twinkle I'm a star,
After spending Thursday at the bar,
But, I'm out on the range,
How I got here is strange,
And, I'm not sure who owns this nice car. 

FREE MAIL LANDS DOC IN JAIL

I never had to get my mail,

My neighbor Doc, got it without fail,

He didn't  give it to me,

Doc considered my mail was free,

I wonder which neighbor will get it, now that Doc is in jail.

SAMMY'S SANDCASTLE AND THE SEA

Sammy's sandcastle was built too close to the sea,
Along came a whitecap and it ceased to be,
Sammy was ticked,
Not for the location he picked,
But, at the water that set the sand grains all free.

WHAT I DO DURING COVID LOCKDOWN

I like to eat my pork,

I like to eat my beans,

I like eating two slices of bread,

With tuna in betweens,

I like to eat cupcake,

I like my tatters too,

I once cut them up with carrots,

And, cooked them in a stew,

I like my apple cider,

I blended it with beer,

Grandad went and drank too much,

That's why grandad isn't here.

I GOT KICKED OUT OF THE DORMS

I went to the Hub to watch some performs,

The RA walked in and I got kicked from the dorms,

It was mid-winter and it was freezin'

The wind blew hard, no gentle breezin'

So, I built a large fire to keep me toes warms.