I PLAYED GOLF AND RAN OUT OF GREEN

I played golf and I ran out of green,
7 holes left but, no money machine,
There'll be no caddy tip,
My beer tab I must skip,
I must sneak off of the golf course, unseen.

VIRTUOSO, EUPHONIUM GUY

The valves on my euphonium were turning, sort of a green,

I hard polished to get those valves looking chic, metallic clean,

The band leader was very whiney,

So, I made the instrument shiny,

I played Concert Band solo, on my euphonium machine.

PEGGY WAS PARDONED FOR A URINATION VIOLATION

Peggy poodle got a pardon for peeing in the park,

Bulldog Bernie ratted out Peggy with a ruff, ruff bark,

Policeman Paul did respond,

But, of Peggy, he was fond,

Paul blew Peggy a big kiss, but with Bernie, he was snark.

BALLAD OF THE LITTLE TRUMPETIER

The little trumpetier,
Played best after drinking his beer,
And, for half a shot and a fin,
He'd back-play violin,
It's too bad he had a tin ear.

7221

BACKWOODS MICHIGAN HEART CLOGGING DIET LIMERICK

I love my bacon grease, fried potaters,
I flavor them with garden, green tomaters,
With scrambled eggs on the side,
And, venison steak grilled with pride,
Such foods to my senses they caters.

92122  

FAILURE IS AN ART

I went to Ann Arbor Town, to take an art history class,

But, no matter how hard I tried, the art class I could not pass,

The teacher played too many games,

Making me learn too many names,

The only art I ever owned, was a talking, plastic bass.

12324

THE LOOKSMAXXER

I tried hard to be a blogger looksmaxxer; it did not do me any good,

The first thing I did to improve my looks, was smack my face on petrified wood,

Tried sandpaper on my cheeks,

Got all kinds of bloody leaks,

I used a blowtorch to remove pimples, was committed, and misunderstood.

SHARKS IN LAKE MICHIGAN

I went out on Lake Michigan and got bit by a shark,

I did not feel any pain, then it suddenly went dark,

I woke up in the sharks belly,

Being made into poop jelly,

Far off in the distance, I heard my pet doggy, bark, bark...

7624

THE LAKE MICHIGAN SERPANT NAMED SAM

In Lake Michigan there was a serpent named Sam,
He swimed, he swum and, he swam,
He swam up a river,
To make Salmon quiver,
But, his tail got caught in a Damn.

Sam likes to sink really small vessels,
But, with bigger boats Sam wrestles,
If he has not the muscle,
He'll lose out in the tussle,
He then swims to his cave where he nestles.

MY MAGIC BANJO PARTIED WITH THE KING AND QUEEN

Rumpelstiltskin made a magic, shinny, tin banjo, just for me,

Then, so he could play along, he made a golden ukulele,

We played all night under a blood red moon,

The king came out and sang along, in tune,

The queen came outside, and danced along, but broke bones in her right knee..

THIS BOLD MAN...

This bold man, he had a son,

He had two, but away the other run,

With a big black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, had a home with a view,

He hated his neighbors, and they hated him too,

With a big black, Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, had a yacht on the sea,

With the rich and powerful, he liked to party,

With a big, black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, he could not fall asleep,

His son had called him a greedy, selfish creep,

With a big, black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, at a new beginning, he did arrive,

He became kind and generous, and finally felt alive,

He sold his big, black Cadillac, his yacht, and fancy home,

He quit all his drooling, and built a homeless, shelter dome.

9724

CONTEMPLATION

My anchor, my love, 

Sleeping, peaceful dove,

Great quiet, 

Sound diet,

Relaxed low, above.

81724

BALLOONING WITH LEIGH AND LEO

I and Leo went up flying in a hot air balloon,

I felt we looked special, because our balloon was maroon,

Our balloon burst out into fires,

When we crossed some electric wires,

No people found our bodies, but we fed a fat raccoon.

FACE AND MACE

I got needed plastic surgery to pretty up my face,

Then, girlies all loved me, so I fought them off with big, bear mace,

One took my mace away,

And, gave my face a spray,

Ruined my face, but against my attacker I won my case.

EVEN TOADS DO IT

Like, everyone does it, even the toads,

We like to hop down, those two track, muddy, roads,

Lots of fungi to eat,

And bugs, toads call fresh meat,

The backwoods highway; free of internet codes.

THE THREE TASTY TROLLS AND THE DRAGON

There were three evil trolls way out in the deep woods,

They were snacking on good Little Red Riding Hoods,

A hungry dragon was flying,

Thought the evil trolls worth trying,

Sometimes dragons do evils, sometimes they do goods.

22724

BITES AND THRIFTING

I'm low on funds, so I went thriftng at a little thrift store,

I bought fancy, fashion jeans, and nifty shirts that I adore,

Next day, I had bedbugs and fleas,

Ringworm, head lice and gross, scabies,

Today I used the fire pit, burned my clothes, now I feel poor.

REQUIEM FOR THE ORANGE

There once was a big old, orange critter,

He lost all his friends and became bitter,

He got thrown out of his house

With his kids and his spouse,

And, had his privileges cancelled by Twitter.

12421

TULIPS FOR ALGERNON.

I had a big tin purple elephant, I named Algernon,

I gave Alger early spring, pink tulips, that he fell upon,

He crushed all the pretty flowers,

Broke them off from their green towers,

I tossed big Al, got a plastic fish, I called him Mastodon.

5324

FALL: A LIMERICK OF DISCONTENT

I don't like fall a lot,
My garden has gone to pot,
The trees have lost every leaf,
From the cold there's no relief,
Fall means the summer is shot.

11521

OFFICE WORKER LIMERICK

Pam tapped her black, shiny keyboard, as she typed tippy tap,
Pam sucked down a cola soda, as her earbuds boomed rap,
Pam worked in a law office.
For a lawyer named Crawfice,
Pam filled out legal documents,  with fancy, wordy crap.

1816

THE SKUNK WHO LOWERED HIS CHOLESTEROL

Derek the skunk liked his eggs in the morn,
So, he went into the chicken coop where the eggs were born,
Then the chickens got mad,
And, treated poor Derek bad,
So, Derek did breakfast, by eating field corn.  

71721

MONKEYS, CATTLE AND RATTLESNAKES LIMERICK

Two little monkeys raised and sold some cattle,
Then over the proceeds they started to battle,
One thought it was best,
That in cattle they reinvest,
The other wanted to raise snakes that would rattle. 

92023

THERE WAS A MAN NAMED PERKINS LIMERICK

There once was a man named Perkins,
He loved eating sour Gherkins,
He ate so many one night,
His lips puckered up tight,
It took days to fix his mouth work-ins.

A man named Perkins owned a pet store,
He sold little pigs, but nothing more,
He tried selling big hogs,
They were heavy like logs,

And, that made his back mighty soar.

42510

MY PLAN TO DESTROY THE BRAIN WORM

It seems, my alien brain worm is twisting, and twisting really bad,

It makes one side of my face smile happy, and the other, tear sad,

I'll eat  greased, French fries,

So my  brain worm dies,

The worm will die from a stroke, and my butt will be a soft, sitting pad.

32425

I LOVE MY BABIES

I love my babies, yes that's true, 

I raise them up, that's what I do,

I am a house fly,

And, before I die,

I'll train my babies to bug you.

I TOOK MY TIME MACHINE BACK TO THE OLD WEST II

When I took my time machine back to the Old West,
I spilled a beer on Doc Holliday's new vest,
Now, he didn't say too much,
But, his bullet was hot to touch,
"Call for a doctor", was my next request.

32423

A LAMENT FOR MY GREEN-SNAKE

My giant pet green-snake named Nork,
Ate only pizza with pepperoni and pork,
Poor Nork died from the wheeze,
When his pizza had cheese,
Nork had a food allergy, since he lived in County Cork.

61522

ICONIC WHISKERS

I had summer sausage for my dinny, din, din,

Much greased dripped down onto my fat chinny, chin chin,

Mixing with pieces of cheese,

It drew mice, rats and sand fleas,the

I cleansed myself in a poisoned binny, bin, bin.

11824

MY PETS ARE NOT ACTIVE AND MY TEETER IS BROKE

My teeter-totter has a broken teeter,

My canary bird has a real horse tweeter,

My doggy won't dog,

He's asleep like a log,

While my kitty warms his paws on the heater.

51622

IT'S SO HOT, MY MAGIC BANJO MELTED

It got so hot, that my magic banjo melted; it turned back into tin,

I bought the magic banjo from an old chap called Rumpelstiltskin, 

Now, I bang my tin all day,

Hoping passerbys will pay,

I'm a street corner musician; hoping my magic tin will earn me din. 

HAIR EVERYWHERE

My best bro was as furry as a big grizzly bear,

And, twice everyday, he would shave off all his hair,

The need for furry care,

My bro, thought was unfair,

With some wax and some duct tape, he showed he had a pair.

31525

WOMEN LOVE ME (PROBABLY NOT)🙄

I live a bigly life with absolutely, very few regrets,🐖

I survive on black coffee, honey buns and menthol cigarettes,😎

Last time I did a social check,🐍

I had only aces in my deck,💤💤💤

It's why babes want to be my squeeze; I'm a winner, that's their bets.👎😂😂😂

THE HIGH NOTES OF AMADEUS

I cannot sing one single, real high note,

That Amadeus Mozart ever wrote,

My voice is just too horse,

High notes hurt, of course,

So, I play cello, on those notes I float.

71524

MY BOOGER FANTASY

If I were a booger, I'd hide  up in a nose,

Then, when snot comes along, my bugger self, it grows,

I would hideout there, 

My host, unaware,

Then, when my host got sneezy, out the nose I blows.

AMADEOUS THE SKUNK

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air,
Everyone disliked it, but he seemed not to care,
One day while all alone,
Amadeus began to moan,
Pining for friends that just were not there.

122814

THE FOUR DIMENSIONAL GAMBLING PROJECT

I went to the moon, and fell down into a deep pit,

There I found an alien boxed, space-time, travel kit,

I traveled back to sports games

Bet some money on some names,

I won billions of dollars, now I'll rest for a bit.

82424

AWOKE IN THE WOODS: I'M BABY FOOD IN THOSE HOODS

I was cross-country skiing, when in some deep hole, I was downed,

I awoke a big grizzly bear, and up on her back feet, she bound,

She gave me a scare,

That grizz, mama bear,

But, the cute baby bear ate me, while mama bear held me down.

122925

TADPOLES GOT TALENT

Tadpoles, tadpoles swimming in my deep, muddy ditch,

Soon you'll be a choir, when in puberty you'll find your pitch,

But, at least all of you frogs,

Won't bark all night like dogs,

And, if you're pretty and sound real nice, you might even become rich.

I DID NOT KNOW BEARS ATE FRUIT FOR DESERT

I was real hungry, when I caught a baby chipmunk in my baby chipmunk snare,

The baby chipmunk begged me not to eat him; his little body, I did a spare,

Along came a grizzly bear,

He grabbed me by my hair,

I begged him not to eat me, but he feasted on my body, then enjoyed a pear.

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? III

From an alien world the entity came,
It crawled up Ed's nose to feed, oh shame,
Then, from this alien scorn,
Many babies were born,
Vicious carnivores that no one could tame.

1823

THE PARASITES IN THE LAKE

The lake water teams with parasites,

Those who drink it can expect long, nasty nights,

A drinker was the bear,

All night he cried out in despair,

But, by morn the bugs had finished their bites.

11722

YOUNG DRAGON GRIDDLES

There is a fairly young dragon, who lives down by the big lake,

He lives in a cave made of clam shells, from his picnic clam bake,

Since nice, warm summer weather did pass,

Young dragon hooked his stove up to gas,

And, fired up his griddle to fry a dragon sized pancake.

91824

PAINTING MISHY-MASH

I painted my black and white cat,
He was playing with a squeaky-toy rat,
I sold the painting for big cash,
So, I'm painting more mishy-mash,
I'm living off those with a  wallet that's fat.

72623

THE GNOME LIMERICKS

Marcy was a real pretty horse,
A gnome ate her for his main course,
Then he ate my dog,
My cat and my frog,
Gnomes are such an evil force.

There was a little gnome named Klaus,
He kept gnawing on my old house,
He liked tasty paint,
With a bit of lead taint,
And, termites and the occasional mouse.

121023

THE LIFE CYCLES OF THE CORN KERNEL

Carol was a canned corn kernel, she lived in a bowl of soup,

After a big grizzly bear ate her, she came out whole, in poop,

Carol missed her days in the can,

She missed her kernel boyfriend, Dan,

Dan was swallowed by a chicken, hen, and taken to a coup.

52926

THE GRIZZLY BEAR TRACKER

I went hunting and in the snow, I saw tracks so big, it was insane,

I was terribly shocked, and popped a massive vein in my hunter brain,

I knew right then and right there,

I'd be hunting grizzly bear,

I stood there many minutes longer, then got hit by a choo choo train.

42026

POEM RECIPE FOR FRIED GREEN TOMATOES

I make fried green tomatoes,
Sometimes with fried potatoes,
I slice them thick or thin,
Different tastes for different kin,

I dip them in the egg,
I dip them in the flour,
I turn on the stove,
I crank up the power,

When puffed up and golden browned,
That’s the best taste I have found,
There’s nothing better on Puget Sound,
Than fried green tomatoes all around.

1922

LEFTOVERS

All the food in my fridge is in rapid decline,

The juice is all fuzzy, and has turned into wine,

The potatoes are a dark green,

The chicken has a shiny sheen,

Last months popular pork roast, is growing a vine.

041124

LOOKS AND LANGUAGE

I slapped on some red lipstick, and penciled in some eyeliner,

I fixed up my cute dog face, and I have never looked finer,

Tight nylons make chubby legs thinner

I am attending a gala dinner,

My big wig hair speaks of confidence, short hair would say, "whiner".   

ME AND MY PEASANTS

I awoke with my head in a basket, staring up at a guillotine,

I guess the peasants took my head off, because in life, I was really mean,

If I get sent back to life, I will be nice,

To all the smelly peasants that itch with lice,

Maybe, I'll give some food away, so the peasants are not so bony, lean.

12926

THE GRIZZLY BEAR CUISINE

There were two old grizzly bears, and they lived out in the woods,

They grew their own potatoes, and hunted Red Ridding Hoods,

They also liked their red beans,

And occasional sardines,

The bears often shopped the farm market, for fresh garden goods.

11825

I'LL BE ALIVE, OR I'LL SLEEP FEEDING WORMS

When things look most, terribly bad,

I don't just mope around, real sad,

When things are at their worst,

I always panic first,

When it's over, I'm dead or glad.

7322

WE'RE FORCED TO SHARE THE SHACK, WHERE GRANDPA SQUATS FOR FREE

Heat monster, heat monster please go away,

You killed daddy's farm crops, now the family eats hay,

And, a cloud of blowing dust,

Killed daddy's cows, he be bust,

We'll soon move to grandpa's squatter shack on the bay.

I WONT EAT THE BABY FROGS

I ate all my protein fresh, frozen and canned,

Then, I spied them through my window asleep on the sand,

They weren't corn dogs,

They were just baby frogs,

They were cute so hence, frog meat is banned.

92923

THE SUMMER OF TERROR (2026)

All this heat, and all these rains,

By the both, I'm caused great pains,

When the river overflows,

Then drown, I goes,

The heat boils my liquids, and cooks my brains.

THE SHEEP KEEPER

I bought me an old country farm to raise me free roaming sheep,

Roaming sheep are so very pretty, and quite easy to keep,

Here is the real deal,

They get a free meal,

But, if they get in front of my pickup, they get a beep, beep.

8324

UNDER THE FULL BEAVER MOON

Under the full Beaver Moon,

I marched with a pipes played tune,

The county took me away,

For a very long stay,

I was labeled a bird, a loon.

113020

SISTER SANDY: THE OUTDOORS AND CINNAMON BUNS

Sandy is my sister, she lives out on the lakes,

She keeps her home nice and tidy, and cinnamon buns she bakes,

Sandy hunts buck deer, and big bears,

Panthers poop, when at them, she stares,

Happy Birthday Sandy, enjoy the ice creams, and the cakes.

DUMPED DEADBEAT SUE FOR BORN RICH KATE

Sue and I bought some very expensive, big city, real estate,

We both thought we would get a really descent, low interest rate,

But, my sweetie, homie partner, Deadbeat Sue,

Didn't pay her college loan, since 2002,

After that, I found a nice, wealthy, homie partner called, Rich Kate.