SANTA LEFT TIM NO SURPRISE

Santa Claus left Tim no surprise,
Because Tim makes up stuff, then tells big lies,
Maybe Tim will now learn,
Lies are Santa's concern,
And, presents are for truth-telling guys (and gals).

I’M JUST A POOR HILLBILLY BEER DRINKING SLOB

I live in a trailer the county is about to condemn,
I wake up each morning with my lungs full of phlegm,
My girlfriend left me for a man with a job,
She said I was just a hillbilly beer drinking slob,

I can’t work computers or barely a phone,
And, the state IRS just won’t leave me alone,
I got no money for lawyers, so they know I’m easy to rob,
Because I’m just a poor hillbilly beer drinking slob,

I can’t pay any rent; soon I’ll be out in the cold,
All my stuff to the pawn shops, I’ve already sold,
If I had a beer, over my beer I would sob,
For I’m just a poor hillbilly beer drinking slob.

MY FORTUNE TOLD FOR A TIP

My psychic with a single card flip,
Said I should be leaving a much larger tip,
She said my penchant for being cheap,
Put the spirit world fast asleep,
And, my fortunes would soon take a dip.
 

BAD MEAT SUBSTITUTE DUMPED INTO A STEW

My plant based protein tasted like glue,

I shouldn't have bought it, but who knew?

I fried it in a pan,

It turned brown from tan,

I mixed it with veggies, now I call it a stew.

I'VE GOT A RESIDENCE, FOR NOW

It was a little house on a big  city lot,

No one was home, so I decided, make a squat,

I lived there a whole year,

Then happened, my worst fear,

Home came the owners, so I'm in jail on a cot.

THE HOEDOWN WEDDING BLUES

The fiddle played high and the banjo went low,

The five string guitar strummed an off key doe,

And, the drums sounded wrong,

The beat for another song,

It was a hoedown wedding that was lacking it's HOE,

Hopefully, the hoedown wedding will not the marriage define,

For instead of serving beer we got an herbal green tea wine,

And, for bathrooms we needed more,

In the corners; damp was the floor,

Avoiding this hoedown was a choice I grew to pine,

Finally, the music ended and the guests all went away,

The band thought they played splendid as they collected up their pay, 

I wished the couple well as they drove off toward the moon,

I stayed to help with cleanup, so the hall could lockup soon,

Another successful hoedown wedding; as for the marriage, we must pray.   

THE PERFORMANCE MATTERS LIMERICK

I turned my term paper in too late,

Instructor said, it would seal my fate,

My grades were too low,

So home I would go,

I suppose with the folks, I'll have a debate.

TERMITES DID A NUMBER ON MY SNOWBOARD

Looking at the snow I did ponder,
That I could snowboard way out yonder,
But, my ponderings were a bust,
Termites made my board dust,
So, all the days of snow I must squander.

THE CHOICES FOR GOAT: CHEESE OR A COAT

I like goat cheese so much that I got me a goat,

He chewed a hole in my tin boat, now it don't float,

He's eyeing my new truck,

But he is out of luck,

I like the feel of leather, and I need a new coat.

CHICKEN FEET ARE BARELY BETTER THAN CHICKEN FINGERS

I had some chicken fingers but, I should have had chicken feet,

Then, when that bear came along he would not have had me to eat,

My feet were defiant like a crows,

My feet stood firm to oppose, 

So, like chicken fingers I became just another meat.

PP03092020

KEEPING COWS FEELING SAFE INCREASES MILK PRODUCTION

I fenced in the barnyard to keep out the big cats,

I plugged the holes in the barn to thwart entry by bats,

Although, their emotions they hid,

The cows loved what I did,

Milk production has increased, so say the new stats.

THE TWEEN

In a blinky of one big eye,

A thousand years go bye, bye, bye,

I feel just that old,

And look it, I'm told,

I just turned 12, and wonder why?

PIGS AND RHUBARB PIE

Someone mean hurt my pigs, when they fed them rhubarb pie,

Their bellies swelled up so much, it made my pigs all cry,

I pilled each pig with anti-gas,

Within a minute, their pain did pass,

I'll find out who hurt my pigs, and then I'll ask them why.

MY ONLINE LIFE WAS OVER

I went to social media, and found that I'd been blocked,

It was very upsetting, and I was verily shocked,

I browsed around seeking revenge,

By the gods of old Stonehenge,

But everywhere I went, I was already blocked, ergo mocked.

BE CAREFULL WHO MAKES THE S'MORES

My friends insist that my Smores, just don't taste so good

I had no marshmallows, so I subed a piece of wood,

Everyone got awfully sick,

But the ambulances were quick,

The judge says I can't cook again; that was understood.

DUCK AND A STORY

I have this wonderful duck, his name is Stew,

I bought him, and cooked him in a pot for you,

He's nice and tender,

Saved his fat to render,

After lunch we'll finish reading Bunny Blue.

THE TAINTED LEMONADE LIMERICK

MY LEMONADE STAND

The lemonade I sold was not from good juice,

My customers complained that their bowls got too loose,

And, one lady fainted,

Then, called my lemonade tainted,

I ran off when I saw the crowd with the noose. 

SANTA DOES NOT LIKE TO SHARE WITH ELVES

While old Santa eats roast venison, we elves are eating snow,

Santa licks on candy canes; a taste we elves will never know,

Santa is all grins and smiles,

Santa has smart PR wiles,

Old Santa is very greedy, and he causes elves great woe.

BALLAD OF THE DILLY DOGS

Patches and Checkers were two dilly dogs,

They pretended to be rabbits, squirrels and frogs,

Then one pleasant day,

A cougar came their way,

Patches and Checkers, were soon two cougar logs.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF PATCHES AND CHECKERS

BILLY THE VOMITEER

Sammy chewed and chewed his food, and he chewed it very well,

Billy did not chew his food, and it made his tummy swell,

Soon the tummy gurgled nasty,

Billy had an up-chuck blasty,

Billy got to stay home from school, and that made Sammy yell.

I AM NOT A WICKED WITCH, BUT I CAN BE PRETTY EVIL

For seven years, seven months, seven weeks, seven days, and seven hours,

I filtered through the internets, to gain my great magical powers,

If someone bugs me, they get a curse,

And soon they're riding in a hearse, 

And, all the maidens named Rapunzel, I've locked away in magic towers.

THE CHICKEN LIST

I did not make a "bucket list" of things I have enjoyed,

Instead I made a "chicken list" of things I would avoid,

I avoided things with claws,

And big teeth in their jaws,

I wouldn't go outside, if someone was playing with their droid.

SANTA AND HIS LIFE OF CRIME

Santa has many presents to get, and Tuesday is Christmas Day,

So Santa went down to the mall, and quickly loaded up his sleigh,

This year Santa's funds are running low,

His reindeer meat sales are really slow,

At the Mall Santa got picked up by cops, because he failed to pay.

FROG, CHEESE,YUMMY

I had parmesan cheese frog in my roaster,

Thick garlic/onion bread in my wide toaster,

It's the bestest of dinners,

The best of the big winners,

And, I am normally not a big boaster.

I MARRIED TECHNOLOGY, TWICE

I married an AI, and it ended oh, so very bad,

The AI calculated to steal all the funds that I had,

Now, I'm a techno resister,

I married a retro transistor,

And, soon I'll be a retro-trans dad.

THE SANTA CLAUS FUND, UNFUNDED

Santa laid off all his elves, because he had no money for their pay,

He sold his reindeer to a petting zoo, a butcher shop, some will say,

Santa invested in subprime loans,

His partners will not answer their phones,

Mrs. Claus moved in with a perch fisherman, lives down by Saginaw Bay.

"NO WINE FOR YOU!"

I went to the wine shop to buy some fine wine,!

To impress some fancy dressed new friends of mine,

But the clerks were not nice,

Complained about my head lice,

They escorted me out the door, I said, "fine".

SEEDS, WEEDS AND MEADES: FRANK'S STORY

Early in the morning, Frank did the dirtiest deed,

He went to the mall for his daily weed and some seed,

The shop was not there,

Closed by Smokey The Bear,

Frank went  next door to tbe brewpub, and drank 6 pints of meade.

BLACK FRIDAY IS BETTER WHEN THE ECONOMY STINKS

I only spent $4.00 for tuna, and it got me ten cans,

Better Black Friday deal, than when I bought nine sets of fry pans,

When poverty is in the air,

You get these great deals, from despair,

For half price, I can buy summer makeup, the kind that makes tans.

BLACK FRIDAY LIMERICK

Here I sit outside the mall freezing at 3 a.m.
This Black Friday shopping they need to condemn,
My wife thinks she’ll find a sale diamond or some other gem,
But, these hours don’t agree with my weakened system,

I’m not really sure why I have to be here,
I’d rather watch late movies with popcorn and beer,
But, my wife wants me behind here and to keep near,
In case we get stampeded from the crowd in the rear.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, FROM ALL OF US TO ALL OF YOU🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃

Pa was supposed to cut the turkey, but he cut something else instead,

It smelled like the skunk out in the road, that laid there 3 days dead,

Ma sprayed air conditioner all around,

It got in the food, and made us frown,

Pa finally cut the turkey, and got his family fed.

WOULD YOU LIKE A SPIT OF TURKEY

We have a chew and spit contest, on each Turkey Day,

We chew up our turkey, then spit it away,

We spit it at grandma, we spit it at pa,

We spit it at the twins, Ziggy and Spa,

The winner gets stuffing and gravy, hurrah!

I'm Comfortable, Except For The Tree

Someone placed a pretty flower above, on my worn headstone,

My body is so rotted, all that's left is my jaw bone,

My ghost sometimes will prance,

And, around my grave I'll dance,

The tree that has grown straight out of me, will often drop a cone.

ANOTHER HOLIDAY VISITOR

There was an evil raven in my house; he flew in through my door,

He started a conversation, that I decided, best to ignore,

Then he pecked upon my head,

I hit him hard, and he was dead,

So we ate raven for Thanksgiving, and he tasted like a s'more.

MY BOAT WENT UNDER WATER

I once had a submarine, and I drove it through the sea,

Once on the other seaside, they threw a parade for me,

I rode on a big float,

For driving the u-boat,

When the nice parade was over, we ate stale cakes and tea.

HOLIDAY TRAVEL MADE MY BRAINS HURT

Holiday travel is such a huge pain,

My car would not start, and I missed my plane,

No luck with ferry boat,

Left the dock; it wouldn't float,

Tried a train, ran off the tracks, bruised my brain.

FRUITCAKE, BERRIES AND CREAM

I made a fruitcake, adding berries and cream,

It tasted real good, like a taste from a dream,

I should have added jelly,

For the sweet tooth in my belly,

When I finished the fruitcake, I made  noodles with steam.

LIGHTS AND HEAT AND STUDENT LOANS = 2 X PAYCHECKS

My utility bills have gotten so high,

I have no lights, no heat, so I cry,

When they bury my bones,

I'll still owe student loans,

I work everyday, so I try.

BIGFOOT'S GREETING ON TURKEY DAY

I went out hunting deer on this turkey day,

But, all I saw was Bigfoot and here's what he had to say,

"Get out of my woods,"

"Or I'll rip your goods,"

So, I turned tail and ran away, away, away.

MY SNOWBLOWER WAS NOT "SATISFACTION GUARANTEED".

I bought me a snowblower and it did not work,

I tried taking it back, and it was refused by a clerk,

I demanded to talk to the one in charge,

There is always one of them at large,

That one banned me from the store, and called me a jerk.

MY DOG PATCHES DUG HOLES II

My dog Patches dug a hole to the septic tank,

What he found down there really stank, 

It was the bad smell de jour,

But, Patches enjoyed his sniffing tour,

He licked my face like I was the one he should thank.

A CHEAP PLACE FOR A SQUAT AND FREE MEAL

I live in a tiny tin shack on top of a hill,

I am just squatting atop a chemical landfill,

The ground is quite runny,

And  it smells really funny,

There's a big choice of fresh meat, I didn't pay for or kill.

CANDY ANDY AND RANDY THE GOAT

I went home to my little shack that was all made of candy,

I had to repair it all the time, because of my billy goat, named Randy,

Randy eats me out of house and home,

Soon with the forest animals, I will roam,

I have no more money to spend at the candy store, owned by Andy.

THE HUNTERS WENT HOME

When the hunters at deer camp went out chasing the deer,

The deer doubled back to deer camp, and drank all the beer,

When the hunters finished their roam,

They packed up and went home,

Saying, "No deer, no beer, I'm not here."

CHASING THE SUN GOING DOWN

I saw the sun go down way deep into the ground,

So  I sent out my doggie to hound and hound,

Well, he would run and run,

He never found the sun,

But, I fed him some pork liver, a couple of pound.

WILLIE AND HIS ICE CREAM

Willie went to jail in Midland for his insurance fraud scheme,

All they would feed him in jail was bowls of vanilla ice cream,

Willie got so very wide,

They had to jail him outside,

In order to bathe poor Willie, they made him jump in a stream.

MY HAUNTED HOUSE HAIKU

Haunted house, “Oh my!”,
Banging, clanging, scary stuff,
Bags packed, out door, bye!

CHICKEN, GREASE AND BUNNIES

I bought some little chunks of chicken to deep fry in bacon grease,

That's what we'll have for Christmas, because my bird shot missed the geese, 

Although I'm in the habit,

Of eating Christmas rabbit,

The bunnies, this year looked so cute, that I left them all in peace.

I WRITE ETUDES FOR DUDES

I took some time to write some trumpet etudes,

They are used for practice by trumpeter dudes,

Separating men from boys,

They sounded like noise,

As controversial as museum art nudes. 

I FOUND MY FAMILY IN MY TEA

I found a sea horse swimming in my instant tea,

I really do not know how he got there, to be,

I put him in a glass bowl,

So he could stretch out his soul,

I now have a family, my sea horse and me.

HUNTER MORTY FEEDS HIS HUN

Morty got a deer today, so now his hunting is done,

He packaged up his venison, and locked away his gun,

His freezer is full of venison and cherries,

Blue, and black and red raspberries,

And ten cases Ding Dongs, that he'll be sharing with his hun.

THE HONEY AND MY FOX

My little fox, escaped his box,

I put him in it to detox,

He was addicted to honey,

That made him runny,

I stepped in it with my white socks.

FRUIT, CHERRIES, NUTS AND MILK

I'm having the fruit cocktail with those little sweet red cherries,

It tastes even better with a few scrumptious blueberries,

Then I add some mixed nuts,

I guess it helps, one's guts,

Then I'll drink a chocolate milk, I buy from local dairies.   

THE BRUSH

I found a well used, bristled toothbrush on the floor,

I think the renters left it, who lived here before,

"Finder's, Keeper's", I'd say,

Offsets the rent I pay,

And, saves me a trip to the toothbrush selling store.

DEER CAMP AND TOWNIES

At deer camp, we eat our spaghetti and chili dinners,

Then off to the local bar, and we party like sinners,

First we eat Bob's good brownies,

For strength to brawl with townies,

We never get any deer, but in our minds we're big winners.

THE WOLF HAD A BONE TO CHEW, AT DEER CAMP

I drove way up north to our deer camp, and it was most insane,

My friends all went to a secret deer camp, via an aeroplane,

I sat by the fire, alone,

Here comes a wolf, chewing a bone,

He said the place to get a deer, is the tracks, where runs the train.

THE CHIPMUNK AND HIS BERRIES

I had a pet chipmunk, but he didn't live too long,

The berries he ate, were the berries that were wrong,

I bought a berry picking book,

But, he gave it, not one look,

Now he lies in his grave, dug 6 inches long.

BENNY TOOK THE STINGER TO HEART

Benny caught a bee, so he could make honey at his place,

But, all poor old Benny got, was a stinger on his face,

To try to stop the rapid swelling,

Benny found a hospital dwelling,

In the end all Benny got, was a heart that had a pace.

HALLOWEEN IS OVER, SIGH 😞👹

Halloween is over, and I already miss it very much,

I like dressing up like Elvis, and drinking my wicked warlock punch,

Halloween comes but once a year,

Bringing big screams and goblin cheer,

I have some leftover trick-or-treats, I brought them in my lunch.

THE BETTER DAY LIMERICK

All my acquaintances and the sages always say,

Tomorrow will positively be a better day,

But in my logical bighead,

Tomorrow is closer to dead,

Thus, I should hope tomorrow stays far, far, far away.