FAKE ANTIQUES AND THE MAIL

Late last night they took me to jail,

For selling fake antiques via the mail,

So, I sat there for hours,

Beneath the watch of guard towers,

Until, my step-brother posted my bail.

I WENT FISHING OUT ON A LAKE MICHIGAN REEF-LIMERICK

I went fishing out on a Lake Michigan Reef,
All I caught was a side of roast beef,
I then caught a fresh ham,
And, a large can of Spam,
The fish that day suffered no grief.

MY ONLINE SHOPPING EXPERIENCE

At night I like to eat pork,
With wine that comes with a cork,
Then I'll eat a plate of fried chicken,
As online buys I am clickin',
My mouse gets greasy, since I don't use a fork.

THE DRUNKEN DRAGON III

The drunken dragon fell into the sea,

It put out his light, and the cold made him pee,

There was no fire in his breath,

He was drowning to death,

But, I saved him, because I'm his buddy.

THE DRUNKEN DRAGON II

My bud Harvey, is a big drunk, fire breathing dragon,

He drinks way, way too much, and won't chill on the wagon,

Today he drank potater wine,

Burned off a forest, of red pine,

When Harvey sleeps, he sees more stars than Carl Sagon.

THE DRUNKEN DRAGON

My fire breathing drinking bud, drank way, way to much beer,

He was celebrating burning villages; the causation of his cheer,

Well, we took his wings away,

So, on the ground he'd have to stay,

Then he talked about his mommy, and his eyes began to tear.

BATS TO VAMPIRES

An atomic bomb fell on my bat shed,

The bomb went off then my bats were dead,

But under some melting rubber tires,

Some bats became vampires,

Now no one is safe outdoors, or in bed.

MONSTERS AND THEY'RE WAR ON SNORE

Goblins wait at my front door,

Outback, gargoyles sound an endless roar,

In the basement werewolves bang,

While in the attic vampires hang,

They're all upset because I snore.

THE LONG TEETH OF THE VAMPIRES

The vampires were all around and the sun would soon rise,

The long tooths were about to bring on my demise,

Then, the light came at us in waves,

The vamps all returned to their graves,

I got busy, I'm a dentist, surprise!  

MY LITTLE PIG WANTS EGGS

When my little pig makes snort, snort, snort, snorts,

Then, I feed him some slop in mason jar quarts,

Some days he wants eggs,

And he beg, beg, beg, begs,

But, he gets none, unless he tries out for sports.

THE SEVEN TERMITES FROM HELL

The seven termites from hell,
Ate away on my wood wishing well,
Then, when the weather got hotter,
The well wouldn't hold any water,
The well just withered to sawdust and fell,

The seven termites from hell,
Ate on my home, until there, we couldn't dwell,
The walls caved in on dad,
Which made my mom sad,
Unfortunately, it was too late to sell.

A WRECKER FOR MY POGO STICK

My pogo stick got stuck in the snow,
Then, over I went when the cold wind did blow,
 The snowbank was cold,
And, I'm getting real old,
So, I called for a wrecker and tow.

I LOST MY PHONE AND BLEW A GASKET, AND ENDED UP INSIDE A CASKET

When I lost my cell phone, I knew I was screw-doomed,

My brain arteries burst, and my heart boom, boom, boomed,

I knew I was bone, cold dead,

When I saw late uncle Fred,

And, late Aunt Nyla showed me, where I was entombed.

Leon's DOCTOR SAID

Leon's doctor said, Leon's guts were tied up in knots,

He said food in Leon's belly, just lays there and rots,

He said Leon hadn't long to live,

Without a real strong laxative,

And, that Leon should invest in, some really deep pots.

MY DOCTOR TOLD ME

My algorithms are not good,

The doctor told me that I should,

Stop eating pot pies,

Try some exercise,

Pay him with cash, and not firewood.

THE EVIL SPACE TRAPEZOID IN OUTER SPACE

I once found a trapezoid floating in outer space, 

It was coming for us humans, to de-geometry our race,

I shot it with my laser ray,

It was destroyed; I saved the day,

I still remember that trapezoid, and the angle on it's face. 

THE LITTLE RAT IN THE BARN

I found a small rat out in the cow barn, and made it my best pet,

I fed it lots of fruit and corn, and got it shots down at the vet,

My little rat, he  grew and he grew,

He was off to college, before I knew,

My little rat became a surgeon, paid off the farm, now I'm set.

BARB'S BEE DEGREE

Barb got a post-doctoral degree,

By studying the insect called  a bee,

Of course, I thought it real funny,

But Barb got me lots of free honey,

Which sweetens my bun during tea.

DOWN RIVER TO THE STUD

My roommate left the water on, after he washed off his crud,

It turned into a little river, that turned into a flood,

Our little apartment fell away,

Into the room where the landlord lay,

He was with several girlfriends, because he was a stud.

THE STUPIDEST LIMERICK I HAVE EVER WROTE PART IV

I was a slop slob and spilled all over, my root beer float,

So, I had to turn inside out, my reversible coat,

The color is a bright, bright yellow,

I was a noticeable fellow,

I made a note in my journal, and it's all that I wrote.

THE MARS RAVE THAT NEVER WAS

I went to a rave party, way up on old planet mars,

They don't have combustion engines, so they don't drive earth cars,

The breakdown of our transport,

Meant our rave, we did abort,

And, we walked back to the space station, heads tucked into jars.

FANCY DRESS AND FIX YOUR HAIR, BUT DO NOT EAT THE PIGS

I am very afraid, and hiding out, down deep in my digs,

It's the end of summer, and people are all roasting us pigs,

We kindly pigs are forsaken,

So, I'm protecting my bacon,

Soon, busy people will fancy dress,  and saloon their nice wigs.

ME AND MICKEY DOWN BY THE SEASIDE

Me and Mickey were pals, and we always sat by the sea,

Watching the sunsets, dreaming of what the next day might be,

One day Mickey didn't show,

For mature, he did grow,

Now, Mickey spends all his sunsets, with his growing family.

HUNTING KILLER POTATOES

I don't know what happened, but my potatoes went feral,

They grew big mouths with big teeth, and ate my sister, Carol,

They ate my dad and my mum,

And, drank half of my rum,

The way that I'll stop them, is with lead from my gun barrel.

MOZART ON THE DIDGERIDOO

I heard Mozart played on a didgeridoo,

It was something different, something quite new,

I heard The Magic Flute,

On a doo, not a toot,

The doo played an encore, it was Love Is Blue.

#Love Is Blue, composed by by Paul Mauriat

FARE THEE WELL YOUNG JIMMY YONG

Young Jimmy got bit by a bad tick,

And, the tic bite made Jimmy so sick,

It was one hot summer day,

We laid in sand by the bay,

Just a bite, and my Jimmy went quick.

MY EX AND SOCIAL DEATH

A split was what my ex and I  each thought that we would need,

To turn around our lives and then, with the relationship proceed,

I embraced meditation but, my ex did a different deed,

My ex gave false witness against my soul on their social media feed,

Now, I'm not welcomed anywhere for a coffee or a meade.

CYRUS LIKES TO.LOOK NICE, MORE

Jimmy dreams of pumpkin and pie,

Dean dreams of peanuts, roasted dry,

Harry dreams of almond milk,

Cyrus dreams of shirts, all silk,

They all dream of food, except Cy.

MR. TIM THE WOODCHUCK LIMERICK

Mr. Tim the woodchuck ate fruit and salad,
Then, he'd belly-up to the piano and write a ballad,
His musical abilities were self-taught,
All his tunes were quickly bought,
Showing his talents were not a hoax but were valid.

GINGERBREAD COOKIES

I love my cookies of sweet gingerbread,

The gingerbread flavor goes right to my head,

Cookies of molasses,

Bloats bellies with gasses,

Yet, gingerbread cookies makes one feel well fed.

MY GARGOYL SCAT ON THE FLOOR💩

My gargoyle ripped up my homework, then chowed down poor auntie Bess,

My gargoyle was a real jerk, and on the floor, left a big scat mess,

He has a litter box,

Shared with my kitty, Rox,

My teacher won't believe me about my homework, so I'll lie, I guess.

JENNY BOUGHT A USED SNOWMOBILE LIMERICK

Jenny bought a used snowmobile from Dix,
But, he did not tell all the things to fix,
It had spent last winter underwater,
As a second home for Mr. Otter,
Of course, lake bottoms and snowmobiles don’t mix.

GO GET 'EM DARYL

Daryl rubbed alcohol into a raw cut, and boy, did Daryl scream,

The only way to calm him down, was a dish of chocolate ice cream,

Daryl was a simple lad,

Didn't understand, good or bad,

But, coach said Daryl was a great asset, to the JV football team.

PROGRESS THROUGH CHEMISTRY

I would patron the diner way up on the hill,

It had the pretentious name, The Toxic Chemical Spill,

It was a chemical dump,

Now, I'm growing a bump,

And, the treatments are making me ill.

MY TOASTER DID NOT TOAST TOO WELL

My toaster did not toast too well,
It toasted mom's toast too toasty to jell,
So, I spread peanut butter,
Then, served it to mutter,
Who, disappointed, gave me a good yell.

PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS, WARTS AND FARIES

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Associate Part-time Contributor,

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I hate to say it, but I'm predicting that this month will be terribly hot and dry in Northern Michigan.  I am recommending that everyone should take it easy until Labor Day is over and then maybe this heatwave will finally end.  And, once this heatwave ends then you can go back to flipping burgers, or washing windows or building nuclear weapons to sell to unstable governments, like Ohio.  Whatever your line of work, it will be a lot easier to do it once the weather cools down.

Of course, as hot as it's going to be next month I am personally glad last month is over.  You see, I had to have a big horrible wart removed from my index finger.  It was one of those big warts with the big long curly hair sticking out of it.  It was really nasty to look at it.  And, guess how I got it.  I got it when I tried to help my friend Julia get rid of the awful little creature that flew up Julia's left nostril and refused to come out. 

You see it happened when Julia and I were sipping bourbon while sitting out on lawn chairs behind our trailers (her trailer is actually right next to mine).  The bourbon Julia had gotten for a Mother’s Day gift from her son Vern, who works at a local distillery.  I told her that the whiskey was too expensive to just share with me, but she said her son got it cheap using his employee discount.  Personally, knowing Vern, he got the whiskey for free using a five finger discount but, she was sharing her bottle with me, so who am I to point that out. 

 Well, we were both outside sipping on that expensive whiskey and enjoying the nice breeze when along comes this fairy and he flies directly up poor Julia's nose.   Now, Julia was in shock but, just for a moment.  Julia works for a divorce lawyer and she's seen and heard about everything so, it takes a lot to get and keep her rattled.  So, after the initial shock had worn off Julia proceeded to try to blow the little fairy out of her nose; even going to the extent of pressing one finger against her right nostril to block the air passage so that more pressure would be exerted in the left nostril to force the little fella out.  Well, no matter how hard Julia tried blowing her nose the little critter just would not leave so, I went into my trailer and came back out with a pair of tweezers and proceeded to grab the little fairy by the seat of his leotards and I easily yanked him out of poor Julia's nose. 

Of course, the fairy was really mad about what I had done and he started buzzing all around me, then suddenly he reached in his leotards into I guess what was a pocket, and pulled out a little hand full of fairy dust and sprinkled it on my hand.  Well, no sooner had he done that and a large wart with big hair in it emerged from my skin.  The fairy then stuck out his tongue, and sped off to harass some other people, no doubt. 

Julia and I never did figure out why the fairy went up her nose.  Most fairies are little psychopaths, and there is often neither rhyme nor reason to anything they do.  Every time you come across one they are nothing but trouble and that's why I'm going to get myself one of those fairy swatters the next time I go to the dollar store.  I'm also going to stop knocking down spider webs I come across, because spiders are usually pretty effective at keeping the fairy population under control. 

SPACE ALIENS ARE WELCOMED IF THEY DON'T CROP-CIRCLE

I beat my swords into ploughshares  but, kept a few spears,

For fear space aliens might crop-circle my ears,

I figure my pointy sticks,

Shows the aliens were not hicks,

So, they'll leave my crops alone and buy some pizzas and beers.

THE DARDEVLE CAUGHT THE MONSTER

I used the mighty Dardevle to catch me a big fish,

It was an enormous pike, and was a bucket list wish,

It darn near snapped, my wire line,

But, an intervention divine,

A lightning strike on the pike, fried the fish for my dish.

TEETH YANKERS: A FAMILY BUSINESS SUCCESS STORY

I bought me some pliers and set up a fair booth,

I was charging $20 to yank out a tooth,

If you pay $60 for three,

The fourth pulled is free,

If your kid needs one pulled, see my 12 year old, Ruth.

AFTER DOING THE DISHES I SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES BECAUSE, I GOT DRUNK, FELL OFF MY BOAT AND I DROWNED

In life I accomplished my two biggest wishes,

One, to quit my job at the golf club doing dishes,

Two, I lived on a boat in the bay,

Where I'd party all night and all day,

Alas:  I fell overboard now, I sleeps with the fishes.

MY NEIGHBOR, SNEAKY

My neighbor is up to no good,

He's sneaking around my neighborhood,

A temporary renter,

Who likes to break and enter,

He sneaks up on me, more than he should.

WED WHITENING-WOOD

Whitening and Wood were wed,
Then, they stayed in Wood's parent's back shed,
Although the rent was real cheap,
In the cold air would creep,
So, the wood stove was constantly feed.

MY BROTHER'S FROM A DOGGY WORLD

My brother comes from the planet Rin Tin Tin,

That's why he smells like a dog and not men,

He also has fleas,

Mouth-catches bees,

And, pees on ma's trees:  that's a sin.

TO BE, OR NOT TO BE, A BABOON

I went to the zoo, and they tossed me into a cage,

They signed me as a "Baboon", and that filled me with rage,

Then they brought me a nice mate,

And I figured it my fate,

So, a baboon I will play on life's stage.

GOING TO THE FAIR

I went to ride rides at the fair,

I road the big ferris wheel, that was there,

When I heard rattles and clickin'

I started feeling real chicken,

More so, as I plunged through the air.

MY TRAILER IS LIKE A SPACESHIP, RIGHT?

I built a massive space rocket, and it exploded, right in my face,

Now, amongst all the of rocketeers, I am laughed at; a big disgrace,

So, now I just create fireworks,

I won't  be joining the Captain Kirks,

Instead of running NASA, I have a travel trailer for my base.

SILVERY SUE, MY ANGEL IN THE LAKE

Silvery Sue was my all time, favorite pet snake,

Wherever I went, my Silvery Sue I would take,

One day, she challenged a wide tire,

She had no experience, prior,

I scraped up Silvery Sue, and tossed her in the lake.

MY DRIP COFFEE MAKER DRIPS NO MORE

My drip coffee maker drips no more,
It's a Holiday so I can't get to a store,
The world is looking fuzzy,
Without my coffee buzzy,
I think I will pass out and fall on the floor.

 

COMPETING WITH ZOMBIES IN TGE WORKPLACE

I guess zombies are good at coding, at least that's what everybody says,

I didn't think zombies did much, but eat brains and snack on Pez,

Stick an AI in a zombie head,

And, they will code until their eyes aren't red,

Zombie coders find good jobs, because they have an awesome res.

WHAT THE FAMILY WANTS FROM THE GROCERY STORE

I went to the grocery store to buy burger and grits,

Then, I remembered my daughter wanted pimple cream for her zits,

My son wanted eggs and bacon,

Because his muscle development hasn't taken,

And, my wife wants some new oven mitts.

NIGHTMARE FAIR

Vic rode on the merry go round at the big county fair,

Vic rode on a huge chicken, a horse, a duck and a bear,

The critters Vic did not fear,

Even when riding high gear,

But, the operator's stare, gave Vic a bed-wetting scare.

SIMON DOESN'T SAY

I went with Simon to walk through the trees, for hugs,

We saw bears, and birches, and biblical bugs,

Things ugly and pretty,

Lie outside our city,

Life begins and it ends, and at both our heart tugs.

ANOTHER HEATWAVE, HOLIDAY DISASTER

It was so hot out, Jim's coffee couldn't keep ice,

It was so hot out, it killed all Jim's head lice,

His girl, Sweet Polly Sue,

A plastic doll, we all knew,

Had melted, until she didn't look very nice.

JUNGLE BY THE BOOK

Wheezy the cunning barn cat, met Perky the perfect perch,

Wheezy pounced on and ate perky, then resumed her pond search,

Then, Wheezy met cobra,

He was some Casanova,

He gave Wheezy a hickey, then she slept under the birch.

BOWLING WITHOUT DOLLARS, AND NASTY FEET

Jimmy went bowling, but he did not have much cash,

They would not rent him shoes, because of his foot rash,

While some guy used a bathroom stall, 

Jimmy borrowed his bowling ball,

When the guy came for his ball, Jimmy did a dash.

TOE TAG BENNY, CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD

Benny was stone cold and toe tagged, when he came back from the dead,

His resurrection was unnerving, that's what the nurses said,

It unnerved his spouse,

Who moved out of the house,

So, Benny moved in a demon roommate, and his name was Fred.

RAW PORK AND ANGELS

I was so very hungry, the noodles tasted real yummy,

They were not at all done, so they were sitting in my tummy,

Then my pig was so raw,

To eat it I done gnaw, gnaw, gnaw,

Now I'm in the hospital, prognosis: they called my mummy.

TERRY STINKY BUG

There once was a jumping stinky bug, named Terry,

He jumped and would poop on every blueberry,

Terry did it all really quick,

So, no matter which one you'd pick,

Each one was bitter sweet, but texture would vary.

SIR BASE NO FACE

I got knighted, then I had a famous title,

For singing base at the Kings great, grand recital,

The king liked my base,

But, couldn't look at my face,

To be knighted, a pretty face is not vital.

SOME CRITTERS SHOULD NOT WRITE LIMERICKS

I had a pretty peacock named Homer,

Around the old farm, he was a roamer,

On one far distant, roaming prance,

Homer met a vowel, named Lance,

Together, they wrote this gosh, awful poemer.