THE YOUNG AND RICH IN OLD GIRL CLOTHES

Before the birds are outside with their squeaking,

I'm on the road for some special antiquing,

I hit all the yard sales,

Buy old cloth by the bales,

To make old dresses, like the posh are seeking.

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PINK PEE TEA IN THE SEA

There once was a little pink ghost, who liked to drink cold iced tea,

Every time he drank it, it ran through him faster than pee,

I refused to serve him drink,

He got mad, turned red, from pink,

I told him I was sick of mopping floors; he sailed off to sea.

THE APPLESAUCE FROG BAIT

I opened a can of applesauce, and found a little frog,

The frog was cooked and mummified, sitting in a saucy bog,

I did not at all hesitate,

Picked out the frog to use for bait,

He caught me a fine sunfish, hiding beneath a hemlock log.

I MINDED MY BUSINESS, AND GOT FREE MEAT🙈🙉🙊🍖

I saw a wolverine, dragging by the feet, my neighbor down the street,

My neighbor screamed really loud, but the wolverine was going to eat,

I knew I should stay inside,

Went under the bed to hide,

Next day, the wolverine thanked me for silence, and bribed me with some meat.

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THE CORN EATING DRAGON

A dragon ate every ear of corn in each field,

That greatly reduced the gross domestic cornfield yield,

We sent him a kind letter,

Asked that he behave better,

It was to his better dragon angels, we appealed.

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A SWAMP LIZARD NAMED IKE

There was a swamp lizard named Ike,
He hated all those on a bike,
They’d run over his tail,
That made poor Ike Wail,
Now on Thursday he visits his psych.

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SOMETHING ABOUT HENRY

Henry has morning fruitcake and coffee, then he does a prance dance,

Hoping his neighbor next door, will be stimulated for romance,

The neighbor does not at all care,

Something about Henry, does not square,

Perhaps if Henry took dance lessons, a romance might have a chance.

The Three Siblings Went To Camp

The three siblings went off to big tented church camp,

The only adult they liked, was a loitering tramp,

The Tramp lived by the lake,

And, fresh fish he would take,

He slept on beach grass, because the beach sand was too damp.

MARNIE THE MOUSE AND HER PEAS

Marnie the mouse liked to shuck peas,
She cooked them up to eat with her cheese,
But, along came the farmer,
He wanted to harm her,
She got away running right through his knees.


Peas were Marnie's favorite treat,
Peas were fun to shuck and great to eat,
She stole from a farmer who had big feet,
He reached for her, and she ran under his seat.

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GUTS OF GOLD

I caught and gutted a big catfish, and found something there,

It was a nine dollar gold piece, and it was very rare,

I was on the noon news,

Frank's Bar gave me free booze,

I sold the coin at auction, and became a millionaire.

MY PETS ARE NOT ACTIVE AND MY TEETER IS BROKE

My teeter-totter has a broken teeter,

My canary bird has a real horse tweeter,

My doggy won't dog,

He's asleep like a log,

While my kitty warms his paws on the heater.

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PRETEND FRIENDS ARE BEST

I went onto the Facebook platform, and made me a friend

Never had one growing up, except the ones I'd pretend,

My friend quickly asked for a loan, 

To buy an upgrade for his phone,

Asking for money, caused that friendship to abruptly end.

CATCH AND EAT, EVENTUALLY

Pete proudly canned his fresh salmon, and put all of the cans, away,

So, he could eat salmon, when the ice and snow covered the old quay,

Old Pete once had a boat,

It will no longer float,

Pete left the boat in last winter; it's at the bottom of the bay.

PAUL THE ODD WASHER

Paul the odd washer, washed my dirty dishes for free,

He delighted doing dishes, and did them with glee,

I asked him, "what's wrong?",

He replied with a song,

" I'm Paul the dish washer, an odd dishwasher, I be."

"STICKY FINGERS" RODNEY RAN THE TILL

The gross profit results looked extremely odd,

So, I took it to my accountant, named Todd,

He said someone's been stealing,

From the till, they've been peeling,

I knew it was my daughter's boyfriend, named Rod. 

PRETTY ANGEL IN THE SCARECROW

I dreamt I was a pretty angel, standing in a field of corn,

When I awoke, I was a scarecrow, and with rags I was adorn,

I saw corn bent over, none were straight,

A coming storm, foretold my fate,

A spinning cloud roared through the cornfield, making this scarecrow, unborn.  

GERTY, THE DIRTY LITTLE DOG

My Gerty, the dirty little dog,

Jumped on my Android, and tried to vlog,

She's still my best buddy,

But, her paws were muddy,

My Android screen is covered with fog.

SQUIRRELS ARE LAME GAMERS

I saw two squirrels playing a very silly game,

Rock, Scissors, Paper, a game that is so, so lame,

Should play Five Card Stud,

That game ain't a dud,

And, if you win all the money, life won't be the same.

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GERTY GETS DIRTY AND DIGS HER HOLES

My dog Gerty likes to dig a big hole,

Hunting for the vicious, underground mole,

She plays at catch and release,

Leaves the dirt diggers in peace,

Gerty gets dirty, but has a good soul.

GERTY GOT DIRTY, ONE SUMMER DAY

I went white water rafting, one sunny day,

The river was yucky with swirling red clay,

My little dog, named Gerty,

Got her face all dirty,

I washed her face off, once we got to the bay.

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HUNGER: TEXTURE AND SMELL

I went to an upscale restaurant that served only soup,

My soup had the smell and texture of a big bowl of poop,

I really did not care,

I had hunger to spare,

I rushed to work a giant soup spoon to slurp, scoop, slurp, scoop...

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FOOD FROM THE WEB

I'm eating spiders and their eggs,

They have no flavor and meatless legs,

But, they taste better than flies,

With their big bulging eyes,

Or, worms with bodies divided in segs.

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DRIFTY THE ROBIN

There was a robin named Drifty,
His eyes were real big and shifty,
When Herman the worm,
Decided to Squirm,
Drifty thought his next meal looked nifty.

Drifty liked to head up north,
To spend his summers after the Fourth,
But when the winter winds blew and blew,
Drifty headed south with his girlfriend Sue.

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CHEMICALS GOT THE BUGS OUT OF MY TEA

Timmy found some bedbugs, drifting in his cup of tea,

One started swimming, and Timmy threw his tea at me,

In the furniture, clothing and rugs,

My home was full of them bitting bugs,

I hired an exterminator, now I'm bedbug free.

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LIVING TIN BOAT LIGHTNING STORM HORROR

All wide eyed, I just had to sit and wonder, 

Just as the skies lit up, and then came thunder,

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom

The echoes of doom,

Sitting in a tin boat, was that a blunder?

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THE HIGH COST OF PRETTY FLOWERS

Leprechauns and unicorns and trolls; they all have to eat,

When they spy me working in my yard, they think of me as meat,

I must clean my springtime flowers,

To cause growth by springtime showers,

I just can't stay inside; so fairy critters will have a treat.

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MY PET PIG DIDN'T PAY HIS CHILD SUPPORT, AGAIN

My pig's child support payments had failed,
So, he was arrested and sentenced and jailed,
And, it didn't please the court,
When my pig went "snort, snort,"
For those comments he was really nailed.

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MY FLOWERS DIED, THANKS SIS!

My new potable flowers came in the mail,

I planted them deep, on my walk, in a pail,

They were lots of pretty,

Prettied my trashy city,

Then sister peed on them, to empty out ale.

TOBACCO INSPIRED

Harry liked to target the lunchroom spittoon,

He chewed tobacco when he took lunch at noon,

He hit the toon hole every time,

He inspired this amazing rhyme,

Add music, and we'd have a new tune to croon.  .

GNOMES DO WHAT GNOMES DO

Gnomes are really little dudes,
They play around and have attitudes,
They trample my garden flat,
They torment my poor cat,
My other pets they see as tasty foods. 

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THE NOSE HAIR SOUP LIMERICK

After work at the restaurant where I recoup,

I found several nose hairs in my noodle soup,

The manager sought to entice,

He charged me only half price,

And, I tied the nose  hairs in a great big hair loop.

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BEING POSITIVE

I'm positive of an evening sup,

I'm positive next morn the sun comes up,

I'm positive every day,

I'll be loading trucks in a bay,

I'm positive to be a tired old pup.

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LYNN THE WALRUS TOOK SAUNA BATHS LIMERICK

There once was a walrus named Lynn,
She took hot sauna baths to get thin,
But, on an all you can eat dinner date,
She ate and she ate,
Then, she gained eighty pounds for her sin.

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REFRIGERATION FOR MY PRETTY FACE

I bought a refrigerator, but it needed much repair,

It had completely shorted out, because its wires were bare,

At a rewiring one stop shop,

Got rewired, bottom to top,

It was like a new refrigerator, to store my skin care.

IF YOU HURT MY TRUMPET, I WILL HURT YOUR TOOT EVEN MORE

Benny took my pretty trumpet, and dropped it on the floor,

Then, Benny took my trumpet, and nailed it to the  backdoor,

Benny gets so very mean, 

On every Halloween,

So, I sawed in half his Pan flute, and it will play no more.

HEATWAVE

It is so very, very hot,

Steamy, is the texture of snot,

And, goodness knows,

The heatwave grows,

Water's gone, and the food is rot.

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TRISH THE MERMAID

There was a pretty mermaid named Trish,
If you were nice she’d grant you one wish,
I asked to swim well,
Then, Trish cast her spell,
She turned me into a goldfish.

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I KNOCKED A PIZZA DOWN

I found a whole pizza, but it was up in the trees,

Don't know how it got there, but there was a steady breeze,

It took me quite a bit,

But, I found a long stick,

I caught the sausage pizza, and added cheddar cheese.

FRED THE RED HAS GONE TO THE BAY

I had to box and bury my bestest friend, Fred,

My favorite goldfish, only he was more red,

He's now swimming today,

In a heavenly bay,

With all my other goldfish that I have found dead.

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT AND I, SWAMP CAMP

We're home; my gentle tender foot and I,

To our Bayou, tent camp, we said goodbye,

We had an invader,

A ten foot alligator,

The alligator gave us each, the eye.

T. P. TAYLOR BOUGHT NEW SHOES

T. P. Taylor bought some screaming, pretty blue shoes, 

It was important stuff, was on the nightly news,

The shoes were from the mall,

They were way, way too small,

Taylor asked for a refund, but got a refuse.

A BUG IN MY DILLS

I bought a can of dill pickles from an online superstore,

I received my can of dill pickles, in it is something more,

It has six legs,

Legs straight like pegs,

The thing looks like the cockroach I see, crawling across my floor. 

TERMITES AND ME

Something bad happened to my wood deck,
This spring it all fell all to heck,
On the problem I set sights,
And, found ten billion termites,
Next, my wood house crashed down in a wreck. 

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I TRIED SECURING A DATE WITH THE TASTIEST SCONES

I tried securing a date with the tastiest scones,
I recited poetry in soft monotones,
But, my lady chose another,
In fact, he was my brother,
Because of his strong pheromones.

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I'LL DRIVE YOU TO TOWN ON ICEY ROADS

More ice on the road means I have a greater chance to error,

And, send all of my passengers into a state of great terror,

For when I hit the ice, 

We will spin round once or twice,

Then, clean undies in my car become rarer.

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MY PET GATOR

My pet gator is covered with dots,
Yet, I gave him all of his shots,
But, he likes to eat weasels,
And, from them he caught measles,
Now, his poor belly is tied up in knots.

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CLOSING TIME

I'm afraid the universe is on it's last call,

Soon the universe will be nothing at all,

It's not yet, even May,

But, what should I say,

I'm ordering my drinks to be extra tall.

BRAIN CHIPS AND PRODUCTIVITY

I was admonished for working too slow,

The boss wanted me to go, go, go, go,

It caused me agonizing pain,

When he planted chips in my brain,

To make the boss more doe, doe, doe, doe.

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RICHIE THE RATTELSNAKE

Richie was a real vicious rattlesnake,
He lived in Michigan near Skegemog Lake,
When Cindy had too much ale,
She stepped on Richie's tail,
Richie bit her and even went to her wake.

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TALE OF THE PRO-FISHERMAN

I bought me some crawlers, so I could catch trout,

There's big ones out there, in the streams all about,

See, I write a love story,

As I story my glory,

A love for my fish-craft, and my wins I tout.

SQUAIL

I recently, went hunting for the elusive squail,

It's about 1\3rd squirrel, and 2\3rds of a quail,

It has the flavor of nuts,

Yet, smells like chicken butts,

I cover up with hollandaise sauce, garnished with kale.

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LIFE IN A TENT

I could no longer afford paying home rent,

I built a new estate, some called it a tent,

On the most unhappiest day

My tent was tornadoed away,

Worse, where the tent went, my body was sent.

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SIR ED NEEDS A DONATION

In the annuals of time, there was a dark night, called Sir Ed,

He became really vengeful, when someone cut off his head,

He'd ride searching, on his horse,

For a donor head, of course,

But, if Ed did find one, he would make the donor quite dead.

TOWARD THE MOON AND BACK

I accepted a mission, to sail all the way to the moon,

I postulated I could get there, with a hot air balloon,

Like missions of the past,

My balloon did not last,

I quickly plunged to the earth, landing in a seaside sand dune.

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APPLES, WORMY OR SQUISHY

The apples on the tree were wormy and ripe,

The apples on the ground were squishy like tripe,

So, wormy apples it be,

That I picked from the tree,

Although, apples with fewer worms are my type.

JERRY THE BOUNCER

Jerry had some weird, but mostly mundane work nights,

Jerry was a bar bouncer, and he bounced all fights,

He threw out the punks,

Called cabs for the drunks,

At last, He locked the place down, and turned out the lights.

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MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT AND I

My gentle Tender Foot and I,

Loved to go up, up, up, and fly,

We flew a round balloon,

That rose like a full moon,

One day we crashed hard, but didn't die.

THE TREAT

As I wandered in the cold streets,

Checking dumpsters for my best eats,

Found a kiddie slide,

Took a down slide ride,

Little adventures are life's treats.

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CATO'S POTATO AND THE BIG, FOUL BEAR

There was a spider monkey named Cato,

The only food he had was a potato,

Along came this foul bear, 

He demanded his share,

In exchange, he shared his tomato. 

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WE PERISHABLE THOUGHTS

When will the great soul end our world, that has an existence which is paper thin?

Perhaps the great soul will decide to write us off, when it takes up a pen again,

Will the world end today?

Or, another day away?

Every  moment we perishable thoughts exist, we should count that as a win.

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