THE HARPSICHORD BLUES

When I play music on the harpsichord,

Everyone's closed eyes, look terribly bored,

My notes don't fly,

I try and try,

At competition, I win no award.

MY FINGERS MAKE ME LOOK SMART

I have a superpower, called arithmetic,

I can sum and subtract really quick,

I use fingers and toes,

For hard math problem foes,

That's my superpower super trick.

DINOSAURS DO NOT MAKE GOOD PETS (A CAUTIONARY TALE)

I went back in time to get a baby pet dinosaur,

I brought back an egg, and thought I had made quite a score,

My dino pet grew gigantic,

Ate all my groceries, became frantic,

He then chewed and swallowed me, because he wanted more.

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WEREWOLF

I went into the woody woods,
Late one Autumn eve,
For there had been werewolf reports,
So I took investigative leave,

As a reporter I didn't like to lie,
But, in the forest I lay down,
To wait for that canine sigh,
When the werewolf comes around,

I had walked in on an old two track trail,
Where lumberman chopped down mighty beast,
I was hoping while I laid me down,
I would not be a main menue werewolf feast.

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KING BEN

Way far back in the year CE ten,

We were conquered, destroyed by King Ben,

We thought we were burnt toast,

But were cut into roasts,

We then fed all of King Benny's men.

THE ART CRITICISM OF BIRDS

Villagers made my likeness, a statue, and they set it outside,

That was a such fantastic honor, a stimulus for my pride,

The birds came forward day one,

Left their white drippings, a ton,

That started my enemies laughing; in the next village I hide.

RECKONING BY THE ELVES

My kitty likes to tear, rip and shred, elves into small parts,

So on Christmas Day,  we just get one wrapped box, full of farts,

Real bad it makes us feel,

It ruins our Christmas meal,

So we go to the store, and play race with shopping carts.

JUSTIN AND RALPH: THE TEDDY BEARS AND KITTY

Justin was a cute teddy bear, who lived on my top bookshelf,

Justin was so sad, because he lost his best friend, Teddy Ralph,

Teddy Ralph fell to the floor,

Eight shelves down, and what's more,

Kitty ripped Teddy Ralph to shreds, believing he was an elf.  (Stupid Kitty)

DADDY PLAYS BANJO WITH THE ANGELS

Daddy never said goodbye that day,

When daddy took his banjo away,

He left no kiss for ma,

Or beer for grandpa,

If I had known, I'd have begged him to stay.

SOMEONE IS STEALING MY KIPPERS AND CHIPS

Don't care if online I'm hacked, but they hacked my potato chips,

Then they got into my cupboard, and stole some canned fish kips.

I spend my money to dine,

Have no money for online,

I opened up my fridge, and someone stole my kip, chip dips.

SOMEONE STINKS

At work Steve always wore a mask,

Even to do a simple task,

His workmate, Punk,

Smelled worse than skunk,

In wretched aromas, Punk did bask.

JIMMY DRESSED FOR SPORT

Jimmy played several sports,

He would always wear sport shorts,

His clothes were green,

Stayed mostly clean,

He wore white on tennis courts.

DEMON FOOD, THANKS FRED

A witch put a horrible curse upon my goldfish, Fred,

Turned Fred into a gator, and Fred tried to eat me dead,

Although I tried to beg,

Fred chewed off my left leg,

Fred let me bleed, until the Devil's demons, my soul fed.

MY DOG AND TONY SHOW

My dog was looking thin and bony,

So I fed him some macaroni, 

I took him to see his dog friend, Tony,

I think their friendship is kind of phony,

They love to watch My Little Pony.   

  

I WENT CLANGING DOWN THE HIGHWAY

I drove my pickup down the highway, while it made a clanging noise,

I drove it to the mechanic shop, called Big Jobs At Little Roy's,

My transmission was repaired,

Even the tires got re-aired,

I wrote Roy's a nice fat check, then used the toilet, marked Little Boys.

THE GAMMA LAND MAZE

When a tree crushed my mobile home, I was homeless many days,

I moved into a cave that turned out, was a billionaire's play maze,

He filled the big maze with creepy creatures,

The kind you find in horror film features,

I defended myself with a gun that shot deadly gamma rays.

BOY BOT BAND BREAKUP

There was a group of boy bots, and they sang in tight harmony,

They learned perfect notes and rhythms, from the AI program Glee,

They sang romantic to the soul,

Melting fans hearts, their single goal,

One day the boys all got broken, when their tour bus hit a tree.

MY FLOWER GARDEN SONG

My arbutus looks so very pretty,

Sitting in my garden in mid-city,

Then there is my daisy,

All flopped over crazy,

Then there is rose, my prickly old bitty.   

FOUR STONE WALLS AND A PEACH

My city had four stone walls, that were tall and hard to breach,

In front of my  city, was a long, golden, sandy beach,

My city showed it had power,

When it built a tall clock tower,

Every time the loud chimes ring, my old fruit tree drops a peach.

BEN QUITS AND KNITS

Deary Ben gave up on life, and he totally quit,

Then he just sat in a chair, and he knit and he knit,

He knitted me sneakers,

But they were real leakers,

Ben knitted me a stocking hat, and that was a hit.

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END OF TGHE WORLD

I have shortwave radio, for the end of the world,

I have plenty of gold and silver bars, squirreled,

I have potted meat,

Plenty to eat,

And a surrender flag; I fly unfurled. 

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THE HILL OF THE BIG, BAD BOULDER

The enormous, big, bad boulder, came rolling down the hill,

It took out my camper, it was a total camper kill,

I had not any place to stay,

Slept in my sleep bag on hard clay,

I was in both grief and pain, but had no aspirin pill.

TOO SOON FOR ITCHY SKIN

I got bit by three gigantic skeeters today,

It's March; skeeters shouldn't be out until late in May,

Now, I am all itchy,

My tude has been witchy,

I need itch ointment, or I'll scratch my skin away.

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WHAT A BOTHER ARE BOTS

My only friends on the internet and, this really rots,😖

Is an amalgamation of spyware iconed as "bots," 🤖🤖🤖

They pretend to be friend,💐

Turn me in at the end,🚳🚭🚯🛃

You can't trust them:  those little snots.💻📡

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CLANCY LEARNED WINE MAKING IN PRISON

Clancy made some of his famous prison toilet wine,

He forgot to flush the toilet; it was not fine,

The wine had little floaters,

Mostly, they were brown coaters,

So I didn't drink so much, when at Clancy's I did dine.

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SHERRY POOFY HAIR

Sherry Little Toes, liked to read her small classy, fancy books,

Sherry had real little fingers, and a little pan that cooks,

Sherry loved to fry dead fish,

With a potato side dish,

Sherry had a boyfriend, because poofy hair gave her good looks.

ON THE FIRST DAY OF MARCH

It is the 1st day of March, and my driveway is really sloppy,

When my pickup rolls over it, my pickup goes bippy boppy

I said to the kids I was trying,

While in the back seat they are flying,

Then in the mud we start sinking, and there goes down my jalopy. 

THE PATHS ON MY CARPET

The paths on my carpet grow deep and grow large,
It's like someone leads daily a cavalry charge,
And, whatever is led,
Smells at least six months dead,
Now I'm being evicted by my landlady, Marge.

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JAWS OF THE FERRELL GOLDFISH

I use to buy goldfish, and set them free in the bay,

All was just completely fine, until one sunny day,

I was fishing for big perch,

Behind the boat there did lurch, 

A ninety foot goldfish, it ate me and swam away.

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FIGARO ON A STRING

I had a stuffed Teddy bear with a very long string,

And, when I'd pull it the full Figaro Opera he'd sing,

But, he wasn't all that,

For, he sang a bit flat,

So, I traded him for a fake diamond ring.

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THE BIG PEEPER BUGS

I woke up from the world of nighttime sleepers,

Just to see several dozen tiny creepers,

They were a green bug,

That crawled out of my rug,

They looked up at my face, with cute, big, black peepers.

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BRAIN PUDDING

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite,
I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit,
Ideas, my mind can't hold,
My brains are pudding I've been told,
But, I'm not the one having a fit.

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UNHEALTHY LIVING LIMERICK

Mark ate pigs-feet for his dinner meal,
They were greasy which was the appeal,
Eating lean, like turkey,
Is not that tasty,
Like pigs-feet and corn-fed fat veal.

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SHOPPING IN A SNOW STORM POEM

I went downtown to do some shopping,
While all around the snow was plopping,
The night was dark and wind was cold,
I was the only being both brave and bold,

Unfortunately, a dilemma was posed,
Every store I went to due to weather was closed,
At every shop I yanked at the door,
It would not open; no one in the store,

I finally decided to drive my car home,
But, the snow was so thick I got stuck in white foam,
I then walked but got flustered when I couldn't find my street,
I then gave-up and sat down feeling drowned in defeat,

As I bathed in self pity along came the snow plow,
It lifted me up in the air as I said “holy cow,”
It was strange that it took me to my residence,
It deposited me gently behind my picket fence,

I waved bye to the snowplow fading into the night,
My horrendous adventure put things in new light,
So, if shopping you go when the snow's badly blowing,
Drive very careful and buy insurance for towing.

LEAP YEAR INSANITY

We are having another Leap Year, and it's driving me insane,

All these Leap Year stress emotions, are doing flip flops with my brain,

Do I set my clocks ahead?

Should I set them back instead?

While driving down the road, should I be in the right or the left lane?

KABOOM JACK IS BACK IN SPIRIT.

Jack was in a real dark room, and smelled foul gas, greatly leaking,

Jack decided to light up a match, to go gas leak seeking,

Jack lit up the room,

KABOOMADY BOOM! 

Now at a weekly seance, through mediums, Jack is speaking.

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MY SPACE TRAVEL ADVENTURE

I was in my spacecraft, traveling at the speed of light,

I should have installed some headlamps, so I could see at night,

I ran into a saber-toothed space-bear,

Cracked open my ship, and leaked out my air,

Space bear will eat me, and I do not think it is alright.

THE CHOO CHOO CRUSHED MY PLANE

My little plane got hit by a chocho train, and my plane got all messed up,

I was not able to make it home tonight, and I did not get my sup,

I got a ticket and went to jail,

There I will stay; I cannot make bail,

I just hope I can fix my plane, so I can fly up, up, up, up.

SMELL INTERPRETATION

I love to dumpster dive, because I like the smells,

Things that are really smelly, have their special tells,

The things that smell awfully sour,

Belonged to people of power,

And farmy smells, belonged to farmers in the dells. 

ATTACK OF THE WOLVERINE

The vicious wolverine bit off my middle toe,

I doubt I can get another mid-toe to grow,

He ripped out my lungs and face,

Fast, like he was in a race,

He ran off with my spleen, dragging it through the snow,

THE BEAST OF SUMER VALLEY

The beast that lives in Sumer Valley,

Eats the peasants, quite a tally,

He will jelly them for toast,

Or for dinner, a lamb roast,

With pitchforks and torches, the peasants will rally.

I DON'T GROW PLANTS TO FREEZE

I am hoping spring will get here real soon,

I've started seeds growing, to plant in June,

If it's too cold,

My plants, I'm told,

Will freeze to death, with the rising new moon.

THE THREE TASTY TROLLS AND THE DRAGON

There were three evil trolls way out in the deep woods,

They were snacking on good Little Red Riding Hoods,

A hungry dragon was flying,

Thought the evil trolls worth trying,

Sometimes dragons do evils, sometimes they do goods.

SIS THE WEASEL LIMERICK

There once was a mean weasel named Sis,
If you came near, she would start to hiss,
When Sis was a wee babe,
She was bit by brother Gabe,
Sis was a weasel that no one dared kiss.

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SOUP ON MY CINNAMON ROLL, YUCKY

Eating soup was my goal,

Bought a plastic bowel,

Did not see it had a hole,

On my food it took a toll,

Got wet my cinnamon roll.

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MISDEMEANOR BOB WITHOUT BAIL

Bob went to court, and a very mean judge was there,

Bob smiled real pretty, but that judge did not care,

Bob had no money for bail, 

So, he went to county jail,

They furnished Bob a jumpsuit, but no underwear.

THE VAMPIRE PLOTS REVENGE

They chopped off my head, and put me in a deep, cold grave,

They piled on some heavy rocks, so I wouldn't misbehave,

I crawled out of my dead bed,

Crowned my shoulders with my head,

Then I hunted villagers, and fresh made blood they gave.

WHO HAS THE BLUEST MOON? LIMERICK

Nightly News Blue Moon

My Blue Moon

So, last night's moon was big and blue,

It was still not much worth looking to,

And, for ten minutes of views,

I missed the night news,

Where they showed the moon in a much bluer hue.

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FRED THE DRAGON, PICKY EATS

I knew this fire breathing dragon, named Fred,

He wouldn't eat anything, unless it was dead,

In his belly, Fred did carry,

A big, vast pet cemetery,

Fred kept dead insects snacks, underneath his bed.

MICRO MOONS AND LITTLE DIPPPERS

I saw a micro moon in the cloudy nighttime sky,

It was so darn cloudy, the moon almost missed my eye,

I'm not into little moons,

Little dippers or baby spoons,

Because all things are small tonight, I will bid you bye.

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SIR DIRK THE NOBLE KNIGHT

Sir Dirk was a very noble knight,
Fire breathing Dragons he would fight,
He once shipped off to France,
With a long metal lance,
And the dragons all ran out of sight.

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THE SKUNK WHO LOWERED HIS CHOLESTEROL

Derek the skunk liked his eggs in the morn,
So he went into the chicken coop where the eggs were born,
Then the chickens got mad,
And treated poor Derek bad,
So Derek breakfasted by eating field corn.  

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PUP WELL DRAINED?

Mary was so ashamed,

Her puppy was not toilet trained,

The pup did know the score,

He did his job out the door,

But, came back in and was not fully drained.

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DINO RAMPAGE

The dinosaur in my crawlspace, ate my dog and cat,

I told him it wasn't funny, and that he was not all that!

That big buns dino turd,

Never heard one word,

He ate my sister Sarah, and my little brother Pat.

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THE DEER HUNT AND THE BAT LIMERICK

I climbed up a tree to hunt deer with my bow,
A big buck I targeted and was good to go,
But, the tree where I sat,
Was the home of a bat,
I then panicked and shot off my big toe.  

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JIMMY GOES POOF

Some long icicles fell off the barn roof,

They knocked poor Jimmy off of his tall hoof,

Jimmy needed a warm fire,

So he lit up a truck tire,

Jimmy was too close, and Jimmy went poof.

THE WALRUS POSE LIMERICK

John  thought he'd strike a walrus pose,
So, he stuck two straws way up his nose,
He thought he’d be funny,
But, his nose became runny,
He dripped down the front of his clothes.

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I FOUND A NICKEL, WHEN I PLANTED MY CHERRY

I bought a cute, little cherry tree, and put it in the ground,

I put a steak in beside it with a pound, pound, pound, pound, pound,

So the cherry tree would not break,

I tied it firmly to the stake,

My dig turned up something shinny, a new nickel I done found.

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THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM REMASTERED

Johnny was captured, and taken to the pit,

He got cut by a pendulum, that was it,

He got cut in half,

Infected with staff,

Now Johnny has no way that he can sit.

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I COME FROM A PLANET WITH TWO SUNS AND TWO MOONS LIMERICK

I come from a planet with two suns and two moons,
Many groves of apple trees line up in platoons,
It never turns night,
You live only in light,
You can eat lunch twice cause there are two noons.

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