JUNIOR THE SKUNK

Junior was a nasty skunk,
He followed me around like a goofy punk,
So, with bacon I would tease,
But, his bite gave me rabies,
If I don’t get to a doctor I fear that I’m sunk.

Junior the skunk feed on mice all the day,
He dug them up from holes where they quietly lay,
When a poor mouse yelled out "eek",
Startled Junior let out  a wreak,
That warned the other mice to scurry away.

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THE POLAR BEAR AND THE MAMA DEER

There once was this polar bear, his name was Moe,

He had a hunger for every little doe,

Moe would watch them and drool,

An obsessed dumb bear fool,

Moe never caught one, because old Moe was slow.

STARS, MARS AND, LIGHTNNIG BUGS IN JARS

Jerry liked to look at Stars,
He did not care for spheres like the moon or Mars,
He didn’t like balls in the sky,
Just things that twinkle way up high,
It was like lightning bugs he caught in jars.

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ICH DOWN THE TOILET

My diseased guppy has a case of ich,

The poor little fish seems awfully sick,

Some think it is very strange,

His funeral I'll arrange,

He'll be flushed out to the septic, real quick.

THE SAUSAGE WAS SO HOT, IT MADE SAMMY WAIL

Thursday, Sammy got his meat in the afternoon mail,

Hot pepperoni that turned Sammy's pimples all pale,

It burned while going down,

In his guts round and round,

At the end, the burn was so bad it made Sammy wail. 

IS IT EGG SALAD OR THE SEPTIC TANK?

Sarah had a doll house that was painted bright pink,
She put her egg sandwich in it and boy did it stink,
Her family wondered what stank,
Could it be the septic tank?
They dug the lawn up from the tank to the sink.

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DING DONG THE BEAR IS FED

Ding Dong the big bear only ate skunk meat,

It was so tasty, skunk meat was so sweet,

Since he was a small feller,

Ding Dong didn't have a smeller,

The little black and white skunk was his treat.

RANDY'S RURAL LIFESTYLE LIMERICK

Randy lived way out in the sticks,
He was covered with all kinds of ticks,
He itched and he scratched,
Till, his skin was detached,
He glued it back on with wax melted by wicks.

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THE HUNGRY COUGAR HAIKU

Door, Cougar scratching,
Brow wet, shirt sweat, pants not dry,
Man friendly? Doubtful.

Cougar, hungry, food,
Door scratched, window pane rapped, smashed,
No food, What food? Me!

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I BURN GREEN FIREWOOD

My good firewood was running real low,
I had lots of green stuff but, it burned like a foe,
You burn green it is said,
When you're between frozen and dead,
And, green wood makes a creosote fire woe.

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DOOMED BY A DEB WITH A WEB

I saw a spider-web when I looked outside,
It was in my window, over half as wide,
I found in the web,
A black-widow named Deb,
She bit me and that's how I died.

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BENNY BROUGHT HOME SOME CHEAP CRABS

Benny brought home to his wife some cheap crabs,

The crabs were just little dribbles and dabs,

They came in a can,

Fried up well with Spam,

The crabs helped the Bennies build bigger abs. 

I FINGERED SOMEONE

Someone was picking their nose,

And, wiping it allover their clothes,

Mama got mad,

Nose picker got sad,

I told everyone, and that added to woes.

VERN THE INTERN AND LOVE

There once was a TV intern named Vern Benderback,

He always ate his cheese balls from a brown paper sack,

Vern was married twice,

Both times got head lice

It seems real relationships, Vern could never hack.

TIME TRAVELS WITH MORRIS

Morris bought a used time machine, but his time travels did not last,

Morris was eaten by a dinosaur, back in the distant past,

The dinosaur thought Morris yummy,

He put Morris in the dino tummy,

The dino got indigestion, because he ate his food too fast.

JIMMY THE WEREWOLF LIMERICK

Jimmy the werewolf eats only toes off of feet,

His diet is strictly eating toe meat,

He loves chewing toe bone,

If it hurts, just make a loud moan,

Don't run or, he'll put teeth to your seat.

THE HUNTING TIGER IN THE SNOW

My Tiger is a kitty cat,
But, that he does not know,
He thinks he is a hunting beast,
So, I let him go out hunting  in the snow,

Alas, Tiger did not do so well,
Out hunting in the snow,
He ended up back at my front door,
Inside he wanted to go,

I let indoors my shivering pet,
He ran to his bowl, a well filled dish,
After that he took a nap,
My hunting Tiger full of tuna fish.

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THE HATCHING OF KAYZEARS THE DRAGON

Kayzears the dragon popped out of an egg,

As soon as she popped, she ate my left leg,

The kids hid in a box,

Kayzears was smart as a fox,

After snacking on children, she scarfed down my wife Peg.

KAYZEARS THE DRAGON

Kayzears the dragon has lived for 12,000 years,

She loves eating pie, and pickled human ears,

She can make someone cry,

By eating their thigh,

Which she enjoys, after having a few beers.

FREE BOOZE ON NEW YEARS, AND MY BOSSES STILL HATE ME

New Years Eve I had over all my bosses,

And, they drank down all my sauces,

My party got praise,

But I didn't get a raise,

My alcohol bribes turned into loses.

I'M ONLY ONE FINGERED IN TWO FINGERED BARS

I wanted just two fingers of whisky, but the frostbite took four,

I gave the bar keep the one finger, and he threw me out the door,

I laid in the snow bank,

Got taken to the drunk tank,

I know I only got the one finger, and I wish I had more.

ON NEW YEARS EVE DAVE WENT TO A RAVE

On New Years Eve Dave went to a rave,
It was such a party that Dave didn’t behave,
He ran down a main street,
Tripped over his fat feet,
With no teeth his mouth looks like a cave.

On New Years Eve Dave went to a rave,
He was single so he tried to behave,
He met a girl named Corky,
But, she knew Dave was dorky,
His reputation follows him to the grave.

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PATTY AND HER NASTY PIES

Patty's pies are really bitter,
Although she brags them up on Twitter,
The inside is like soup,
Smells like a dog coop,
The baking bug should not have bit her.

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HAPPY BOXING DAY

It's another fun filled "Happy Boxing Day".

From my boring work, I will stay far, far away,

I'll come home at three,

Have tatters and tea,

Then I'll hibernate, until the birds sings in May.

THE GREAT TUNA GOD

The great, grand tuna god of elves, trolls and gnomes,

He is always reciting gross, fishy poems,

He likes poems about bass,

Because they rhyme with gut gas,

And, poems about dog fish with rabies and mouth foams.

MY OBOE HAD HOLES

My oboe had too many holes, so I plugged some with chewing gum,

Then when I played my oboe, it made a horrible, hissing hum,

So, my music I could not share,

I led a life of despair,

And, I could never approach my one true love, who played the bongo drum.

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I HAVE NO FRIGHT, EXCEPT FROSTBITE

I could not pay my gas bill for months, because those funds I lack,

I'm waiting for my kerosene heater to heat up my shack,

In a couple of more days,

I must heat in other ways, 

When my kerosene runs out, I'll suffer a frostbite attack.

MY LITTLE PET TOAD LIMERICK

My little pet toad sleeps so easy,
He drinks rum but, he never gets queasy,
His constitution's deluxe
It is never in flux,
Even with a cold he never gets sneezy.

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WADING FOR DINNER: A FISHERMAN'S STORY

I went fishing, wading out in the dark,
I was hungry and my kitchen was stark,
I had my red worms and beer,
And, the beer gave me such cheer,
 Until, I stepped on a hammerhead shark.

HOW TO MAKE A CAMPFIRE LIMERICK

I chipped some flint to make some fire,

I made a few sparks, but my arms started to tire,

So, I took out a match,

Struck a flame that would catch,

I chose the easy way, and left the hard way to admire.

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I KNEW A BANJO PLAYER NAMED CLAY

I knew a banjo player named Clay,
And, boy could that hillbilly play,
From Mozart to Bach,
From Bluegrass to rock,
His music had something to say.

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THE DEER ATE MY WINTER TRIP TO BARBADOS

I was planning on using my cash earned from potatoes,
To fund my winter trip to Barbados,
Of course my potatoes this year,
Have been ate by the deer,
And, my arthritis  won't let me pick tomatoes.

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BLUE BALL IN LOVE

Tony liked his sports, if he could play with real blue balls,

So, he played at beaches searching for the best blue volleyballs

Soon he came upon his prince,

A body builder, named Blue Vince,

One was tall and one was short, but their overcame those walls.

CHICKEN OR AN EGG

I went to Miami and bought me some eggs,

I cracked one open, and got a beak and two legs,

Two eyes were staring at me,

So, I fried it all in ghee,

And fed the lot to my dog, Little Megs.

BENNY BUILT A TIME MACHINE

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Benny built a time machine,

But, he benefited not,

For when he went back to change the past,

The future he forgot.
 

JIM WILL BE SQUATTING WITHOUT ANY BLUE BALLS.

Jim is just a squatter on this little blue ball, earth,

Jim squats, and squats, and squats, and grows a bigger girth, 

One day Jim will galaxy away,

Where there's mean, Jim will not stay,

Then Jim will squat again, just like a brand new birth.

I PUBLISHED A POST

I published a post, but the post was not ready,

It had all the words, but the logic was unsteady,

So, I spent all the day,

Moving words to convey,

And letters from A to old Zeddy.

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UNDERSTAND THE BAND

There are not too many trumpets in my band,

Because they played so bad most of the kids were banned,

But, through some band parent/teachers host,

The banned players were no longer ghosts,

I just hope those who have to listen understand. 

THE DAY OF THE FIVE HOUNDS

Freddy fried a big pan of a food called bubble and squeak,

He fed it to his five hound dogs, and soon the house did wreak,

Freddy used his bathroom spray,

It made the worst smell go away,

But, Freddy almost passed out, when the smells were at their peak.

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

THE BREWMEISTER BEAST IN MY CRAWLSPACE

In my crawl space there lives a great beast,

He brews his own beer and demands lots of yeast,

But, where my wallet stops,

Is buying pricey hops,

He can make wine with just sugar and yeast. 

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THE LITTLE PIGGY POEM

LITTLE PIGGY, LITTLE PIGGY
Little piggy, little piggy your cuteness is lame,
You are not housebroken and therefor not tame,
No matter how you are trained you end up the same,
You crap on the floor, and you won't take the blame.

EAT OR BE EATEN BY PIGS

Bill liked his pork chops, he ate them sit times a day,

Bill raised his own pigs, and saved money that way,

One day Bill's heart, it stoped,

Into the pig pen he dropped,

Bill's pigs ate Bill all up, that's what his neighbors say.

THE BEST BUNS, STAKE AND CHEESE

I went to Salisbury to eat me some stake,

It's served between big buns, best that anyone can bake,

With sausage gravy and cheese,

For little me, it do please,

Then for desert I eat the whipped cream and pound cake.

DARK SKIES LEAD TO T FOR THE D

There was no shadow behind the tree,

Because the sun was history,

For the skies darkening clouds,

Were like piling on shrouds,

I was so depressed, then I took my tea.

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SQUISHY RHUBARB PIE

My rhubarb pie came out real squishy,

Cousin Tim, wouldn't eat it, nor would cousin Trishy,

Uncle Bob ate it, and got really sick,

As did dad and mom and grandma Vick,

May they get well is my holiday wishy.

   

THERE WAS A ROCKBASS NAMED MURKY

There was a rock bass named Murky,
When he swam he swam really Jerky,
He swam over a dam,
Did a forehead slam,
Now he thinks that he is a turkey.

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THURMOND'S TELESCOPE IS FOR THE BIRDS

Thurmond's telescope made the news one day,

When Thurmond saw spacecrafts heading our way,

After networks broadcast his words,

The spacecrafts turned out to be birds,

There was a crow, a dove and blue jay.

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I DIG POTATOES AND WATCH THE GOAT

I found a little fig,

It seemed to dance a jig,

Was ate by a goat named Tig,

Who chewed up my daddy's wig,

All, while potatoes I did dig.

FREE CANDY CANES ARE NOT ALWAYS FREE

I love to get free candy canes everywhere I go,

But, now most stores don't give them out, 

So, my stash stays pretty low,

Of course, I can go to grandmas and pick them off her tree 

But, if she catches me she spanks me on her gnarled knee,

Now, I am nearly forty and grandma's ninety-three,

I just hope she don't hurt her hip, when lambasting little me.

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HEAT, LIGHTS, TIGHTS AND POO SOAP

The Christmas presents I got, I took back to the store,

I can use the cash from the returns, much, much more,

I can pay my heat and lights,

Maybe, buy new ballet tights,

And some soap, to scrub the dog poo off the floor.

TINSEL TOES THE BEAR

The bear put shiny tinsel on his toes,

Wherever he travels, the tinsel goes,

No one will dare,

Making fun of that bear,

Or, they be counting their multiple woes.

THE WERECOYOTE

A werecoyote has come along,

So, I wrote a werecoyote song,

He was my best friend Mat,

Then he ate my tom cat,

A werecoyote is a critter that's just wrong.

WHEN THE SNOW BLOWS

When the snow blows and cold comes through your cracks,
You stuff newspaper in the holes to keep warm your shacks,
Shove up the stove with wood,
When it's red hot, it is good,
It is then time to wait 'till the frost bite attacks.

When the snow blows it makes hurt on my feet,
I run out of food and have nothing to eat,
And when the snow blows,
I'll have to cut off my toes,
But, at least I will have some fresh meat.

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THE TWO PETER POEM

Peter I and Peter II were competitive twins,
They also shared both their virtues and their sins,
They both had a penchant for mutton,
Upon which they each were a gluten,
The one that dies the very fattest, I guess wins.

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NO GREETING CARD, JUST BAD NEWS FROM THE BANK

I went outside and got the mail, at the breaking of the dawn,

It was no greeting card, but a notice I was overdrawn,

I went to the bank,

I was in the tank,

No prob, I got stuff to pawn.

WILLY WITH FEW NEEDLES

There was a red pine tree named Willie,
He had few needles and looked silly,
All the other trees,
Did nothing but tease,
The near naked tree nick named Billy.

Willie was a red pine tree,
He grew real tall so he could see,
But, the great sacrifice,
Made things turn out not nice,
Willies needles poored down like a sea.

UNCLE JAKE IS NUTS, BUT HE DIDN'T HURT ANYONE THIS CHRISTMAS

Christmas is all over, and I am giving Uncle Jake a golden star,

He did not try to run us over in his Lincoln Continental car,

I took away his baseball bat,

Replaced it with a tin foil hat,

And, I sent with him home, my homemade mincemeat in a jar.

INKY IN THE DEEP

When Inky my pet octopus died,

His friend Boris, the bear cried and cried

Down my new toilet bowel,

Went Inky's remains and soul,

To the septic, Inky had a nice ride.

INKY THE OCTOPUS AND BORIS THE BEAR

My pet octopus has run out of ink,

That's why he has turned a pale shade of pink,

His friend, my pet bear,

Is very aware,

For the two of them have a strong psychic link.