EXTRA NUTS PLEASE

I ordered some extra nuts off the net,

They're almonds, the right size nuts, you can bet,

I ordered the real salty,

Goes with my beer that's real malty,

Now with my nuts my weekend's all set.

THE SPACE LASAR GOT ME GOOD

There is this glowing space laser, some call it the sun,

It aims straight down on me, like some Martian ray gun,

It's not at all funny,

Getting zapped by the sunny

I feel cooked like a turkey, dry and crispy done.

6323

,

I TOOK A BREAK AND IT HURT

I ate two onion bagels, and that was lunch,

I washed them down with a sweet, raspberry punch,

My teeth were full of ruts,

On break I chewed some nuts,

I shouted "Ouch!", with every single crunch.

41224

Fridays Are For Knocking Off Early

Tank in back of the toilet seat,

Good porcelain clean and neat,

Sits solid on floor,

Friday used more,

See ya, at weekend retreat.

52722

LEFTOVERS

All the food in my fridge is in rapid decline,

The juice is all fuzzy, and has turned into wine,

The potatoes are a dark green,

The chicken has a shiny sheen,

Last months popular pork roast, is growing a vine.

041124

THERE WAS A COLLEGE STUDENT NAMED DRAKE

There was a college student named Drake,
Over and over the same class he'd take,
The first time he got a "C",
The second time a grade "B",
He should get an "A" now for goodness sake.

12317

I PARKED WRONG AND MY CAR WENT AWAY

I drove to work in the rain and the drive was really long,

I parked near the building although, I knew it was wrong,

After only one hour,

Even in a thunderous shower,

My car was hauled by a ding dong. 

82122

THE LOST PONTOON TREASURE

My pontoon, it don't float no more,

It's stuck in muck on the lake floor,

And, next to the seat,

There's snacks to eat,

For the fish it's a treasure score.

41224

FISHING WITH A FRIGID RUBBER WORM

I catch few fish but, many trees,

I catch logs, and shoes and water lillies,

I blame the rubber worm on my hook, 

Methinks he displays a bad look,

He's frigid and the fish want a tease.

51520

I SLEPT AROUND

I slept on a soft bed, and I slept on a coach,

I slept on floorboards with nails that made me shout, "ouch",

 I slept on a beach,

Where seagulls screech, screech,

I slept at the new zoo in a kangaroo pouch.

41124

THE BIG BEN BARN

I passed a barn out on U.S. 10,

It had a clock just like Big Ben,

But it didn't chime,

It mooed the time,

And clucked the music like a hen.

91622

ANTIQUE RAFTING

While I rafted down a creek,
My rubber raft ripped a big leak,
Then dry-shore I tried to seek,
But cold water made me swim too meek,
Soon my washed-up bones will be antique.

101821

NO TOCK, SO I BACH

I went today to see my heart specialist doc,

He said my heart had a tick, but seldom a tock, 

It made me both sad and happy,

I would soon see my dead pappy,

Soon dad's fiddle I'll hear playing, Johan S. Bach.

I LOST THE SNOW FORT

I lost my snow fort to the rain and sun,

I guess snow fort season is completely done,

The neighbor dog attacked and I'm overrun,

The dog barks and bites, so he ain't much fun,

I'm going back inside to hug my hon,

13022

A WORLD FULL OF PEOPLE

I went to the store, but the lot was filled up,

So I went to a restaurant to get me some sup,

Now I had no place at a table,

No one leaving, the place was stable,

So I went home and had noodles in a cup.

8417

WHO ARE THE GNOMES?

Their burger buns are packed with stones,

They fill their tacos with only bones,

They make their bread,

Of the walking dead,

To us they're known as gnomes. 

81122

CATCHING A SUNFISH CHANGES MY WORLD

I caught a giant sunfish and it's belly was full of pearls,

They were strung on some golden thread:  I guess they were some girls,

Then I found a big golden ring,

With a big diamond thing,   

I think next week I'll be dining with the Earls.

4318

JOY FOR FOOD SAMPLES

I like food stores that give out free samples,

Especially if those samples are amples,

Ample for a whole meal,

And  so I don't feel like I steal,

A sign so my rep don't get tramples.

72217

THE BONE PICKER LIMERICK

Ted turned a pretty profit in bones,
He picked them up in a pit full of stones,
Skulls and teeth he'd unbury,
Some looked handsome, some scary,
But none as scary as his student loans.

3122

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT

My wonderful, gentle, tender foot,

Worked long shifts on chimneys, clearing soot,

On the roof one day,

He slid fast away,

He now feeds a flower at the root.

41024

BIRDIE BRONSON THE PHEASANT

Birdie Bronson was a pet pheasant,
She lived on a farm near Mt. Pleasant,
She spotted a worm,
He started to squirm,
This was like saying that food was present.

Birdie Bronson the pheasant loved her bugs,
Though she never gave them kisses and hugs,
She bit them in two,
So she could chew,
Eating them by the bushels and lugs.

3922

PETE THE OGRE

There was an ogre named Pete,
He kept his hovel real neat,
They thought he was mean,
Because he was clean,
They refused to sell him some meat.

Because the townspeople were so rude,
Pete the Ogre could buy no food,
So, instead of baked brownies,
Pete lunched on the townies,
Pete became a respectable dude.

32822

TONY'S FISH SANDWICH LIMERICK

Tony's fish sandwich was all full of bones,
They got stuck in his throat and gave Tony moans,
Tony's next sandwich was jelly,
Which put aches in his belly,
Now, Tony just licks ice cream cones.

72721

WHY I HAVE NO CHAIRS LIMERICK

My relatives eat just pasta and beans,
Hence, in my family there aren't any leans,
So when one sits on a chair,
The weight it won't bear,
I'd buy more chairs but, I've run out of means.

112221

VOLE SOUP

I had vole soup and it didn't taste good,

It sort of tasted like pine cone wood,

The little ears and little tails,

The little paws with little nails,

I soped my bread and ate what I could.    

5221

ONLINE TUNA FISH AND HOMEMADE WINE

I ordered some tuna fish, online,

I opened the can and it smelled fine,

I ate it and drank homemade red wine,

I got gassy bubbles, a bad sign,

They buried me in a box; white pine.

 pine.

ITCHY CARPET

When I sit down on my carpet I start to itch,

I kind of blamed it on my little pooch, Mitch,

But, maybe it is not my little dog,

It could be my pet pig named Mog,

Or, my gerbils Frank, Leon and Rich.

12722
 

IN THE SHALLOWS THERE BE TURTLES

Four little fish were having such fun,
Swimming beneath the bright morning sun,
They swam in the shallows,
Which turned into a gallows,
The turtles ate every single one.

62021

A MEANER BEAR LIMERICK

A meaner bear I never saw,
Than the one in the woods near Mackinac,
He attacked my camp site,
Ate my fish in one bite,
Then on my tires he started to gnaw.

1123

MY TURKEY WOULD NOT STUFF

When stuffing my turkey, my turkey would not stuff,

I think it was the stuffing that made the job so rough,

I tried stuffing the bird with juice,

But, as stuffing juice is loose,

After stuffing the bird a third time, I decided I had enough.

92822

THE COUGAR IS COMING

If a cougar you want to stop,

First you give him a karate chop,

If he rips your arm off then you stop,  

And, cry out for your mom and pop,

If a cougar sees you don't run away,

If you do he'll think you want to play,

He's going to eat you anyway,

Just chalk it off to one bad day,

The cougar is coming, so you'd best hide away,

He can still smell you for you didn't bathe today,

Now, when he eats you I can sneak off to the bay,

Out on your yacht I'll catch me some ray.

32019

GETTING READY FOR WORK

I brush my teeth then wash my mouth out with a cup of ginger ale, 

I then spit out the ginger ale into a thing I call a pail,

To mood enhance,

I do a dance,

I then put on my uniform, and go to work guarding a jail.

4724

MY CHICKEN SAILED OUT TO SEA

My chicken sailed out to sea,

He left me so a traveler he'd be,

I told him he was a winner,

Always welcomed for a dinner,

Some scratch gravy I'd make, just for he.

11218

JIMMY 35 TOES

Jimmy had a grand total of 35 toes,

A local celebrity, who everyone knows,

Each year he gets a parade,

And all his toes are displayed,

He brings in the tourists, and his little town grows.

THE SIGN OF EVIL

I saw the sign of evil, I fear the most,

Six big locusts landed on my whole wheat toast,

My lower jaw made a sag,

Then I drooled on my dish rag,

I knew that by nightfall, I would be a ghost.

THE FLOWERLESS FLOWER MOON

I woke from sleep to see the Flower Moon,

I pierced through my window like the great sun at noon,

But, I saw no flowers,

Just star bunches and towers,

I'm thinking "weed" would be the moon's name in June.

51017

THE FIRST CONTACT HAIKU

Spacecraft, hovering, lands,

Open door, monster, ray gun,

Zap! Ouch! Alien probe! Ouch!!!

121223

MY ZAG AND MY ZIG AND MY JAZZ HARP GIG

I agreed with the highway when I made the zig,

I am afraid my zag was a mile too big,

My jeep made a fast roll,

I split body from soul,

I now play funky harp, when I get a jazz gig.

12321

POP ADDICTION

I went cold-freeze turkey,

Was muddled and murky,

I could never stop,

Drinking soda pop,

I'm now mean, and jerky. 

4624

THE CAVE OF GENTLE BEN, NOT!

Methinks that I heard a wren,

As I passed a forest glen,

I got very brave,

I entered a cave,

Found a bear, not Gentle Ben! 😦🤕

31321

THE PERCH THAT BEGGED HAD NO LEGS

The big perch I caught last night, had a big yellow belly,

His lips, tight as wires, and he was awfully smelly,

The perch begged and said, "Please, Please, Please,

If I had legs, I'd be on my knees,

Let me go and your kindness, I'll broadcast like a telly."

Epilogue

Fish tastes so good with lemon, and a dusting of white pepper and sea salt.

HOLLAND AND THE SWEATER COLORED KITTY

I went to Holland because in magazines it looks pretty,

Not the one overseas but, the one southwest of Bay City,

The tulips were the star,

I drank malt liqueur from a jar,

And, bought a sweater with colors matching my kitty.

41618

IT STORMED ALL DAY

It rained and stormed all day, 
The kids couldn't get out and play, 
They tore up the house,
 Drove off my spouse,
 Now all alone with the monsters I stay.

71822

FISH TONS AND NOT TO BE

How many, many tons of salty fish, are in the whole sea?

That was the question that really bothered, the brain cells in me,

I couldn't sleep at night,

My fingernails, I'd bite,

Then when I died,  the question was what is meant by not to be?.

THE DISCOMFORT OF GAINING MASS

Jim's Twinkie was shrinking with every big bite,

As Jim's Twinkie was shrinking, Jim's belt grew more tight,

Jim just went to the store,

Bought Twinkies, many more,

Jim loosened his belt, until his belt felt just right.

4524

I RAN FOR OFFICE AND WON

I was on the down ballot, on the down ballot way down deep,

Running for the coveted office, listed as County Creep,

Unopposed was I,

But we had a tie,

A coin toss made me #1, #2 became my Veep.

4524

OLD SKEGGEY, THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER

The Skegemog Lake monster attacked my tin boat,
He bit it in half, so it would no longer float,
But I got a real special wish,
Skeggey was hungry for just fish,
I swam home and this limerick I wrote.

21117

THE FAT WORMS

Danny went to the special foot doctor to check out his feet,

His feet were getting real skinny, although he'd often overeat,

Seems Danny had worms that ate fat,

Would be great, but where they're at,

Doc moved the worms to Danny's belly hoping for a repeat.

LATE DETENTION AND THE FLYING LEAP

My bus was late to Jefferson Junior High,

My teacher didn't care; he didn't even ask why?

He said he'd improve my rule retention,

With a month of late detention,

I told him he should go leap like a fly.

10118

 

DADDY SOLD MEDICAL SUPPLIES IV

We were so hungry, having absolutely no meat,

Daddy went looking for organs, to sell, or to eat,

Poor daddy worked on some guy,

When a police car passed by,

Now at the dinner table, is daddy's empty seat.

PICKLED EGGS AND SAUSAGES

I had pickled eggs and juicy pickled red hots,

I handle them just fine, but my dad gets the trots,

To put dad at ease,

I fed him some cheese,

That bound and gassed up his belly, now he farts lots.

4424

I WENT TO THE MARKET AND BOUGHT ME SOME TROUT

I went to the market and bought me some trout,
I didn't cook it enough and had a belly-ache bout,
I will never, ever eat fish,
Even, as a side dish,
But, I will eat a pig's feet, ears and, snout. 

6615

BIGGEST MUSHROOM FROM WEAR

Gary found a giant brown mushroom, sitting in a winged chair,

Gary figured the mushroom spore came from someone's underwear,

Gary loved mushrooms and rice,

He thought about it, and passed twice,

Gary took the mushroom, and won 1st prize at the county fair.

OLD JEFFREY IN THE MORNING

Jeff had two turkey sausages along with his tea,

He would of had eggs, but they disagree with Jeffrey,

Jeff did drink orange juice,

To keep his bowels loose,

OJ also gives old Jeffrey his vitamin C.

MISTY MAYLOX CLUBED AND DANCED

Misty Maylox made herself look very pretty,

She was going clubbing in the downtown city,

After drinking champagne and wine,

Misty danced really fine,

She staggered home singing a drinking late ditty. 

4324

QUIGLEY'S FAMILY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE

Quigley's family came from outer space,
They lacked human components like feet and face,
But, the world was fooled,
For the kids were home schooled,
While, the Quigleys dined on the human race.

121920

FRIENDSHIP IS SKIN DEEP

I had a friend come over and they were very rich,

They still left bugs on my sofa and I caught their itch,

I sprayed the sofa down twice, 

Once for microbes, once for lice,

A friend that makes me itchy is a friend  I will ditch.

4324

TANK THE CAPTAIN

There once was a ship captain named Tank,

Every ship he commanded he sank,

He ruined his career,

Because he could learn to steer,

Now he sails without any rank rank.

THE PARTY PIG AND THE PIE

Jon took his two favorite fingers, and stuck them deep in the pie,

Someone caught him committing the crime, with their big green watery eye,

Jon dripped cherry filling on his clothes

Then someone popped him in the nose,

They said he was a disgusting pig, and he'd better go bye, bye.

A SQUARE MEAL FOR A FLY

I made a bread sandwich, included tomatoes and cheese,

I made a fruity desert, included honey from bees,

I made a coffee to drink,

Drank antacid that was pink,

I then left for the big airport for my flight overseas.