NEW YEAR'S EVE SNACK CRACKERS

I bought several boxes of snack crackers, for my New Year's Eve,

They were all cheesy powdered, so we could eat them out of the sleeve,

I bought the crackers in a real big hurry,

Didn't notice they were drenched with hot sauce slurry,

Upset  guests asked where the crackers came from, I blamed  someone named, Steve.

WINTER CABIN PARTY

I stuffed so much wood in my steel woodstove, my cabin became really hot,

It was so hot that when anyone came inside, their nose would runoff warm snot,

We dined on beef pot roast,

I think I ate the most,

Then we played many games of darts, and each loser slammed a vinegar shot.

THE COW, THE BULL AND KALAMAZOO

I drove on down to the old town, called Kalamazoo,

I bought at a bovine auction, a cow that goes, "moo",

I trained her to loudly sing,

About rainbows and gold bling,

She ran off with a bull, who wore a big brass nose ring.

A DROOLING GOON, DESTROYED MY ACTING CAREER

I use to be a big star, then my public bent over, and gave me a moon,

Now, I'm a forgotten cloud, hovering over a cornfield all afternoon, 

My acting does not matter,

Just influencer chatter,

You'd think my talent matters more, than ravings from a young, drooling, online goon.

THE GHOULS WITH THE RIZZ

I have been a grave robber all of my adult life,

It is an intimate thing, I do with my sweet wife,

It's our family biz,

Fills us with Rizz,

We each carry half the corpse, that we've split with a knife.

HECTOR LOST HIS RIZZ

Hector lost his rizz, playing hide and seek with the chickens, cows and sheep,

People thought he had no bizz, being a creepy, farm animal creep,

Hector lost all of his charm, 

Lost his lady and his farm,

Hector searches around town, for a nice clean dumpster, where he can sleep.

I MAY BE IGNORANT, BUT I CHOOSE BEEF

I think of humans to be like all other animals, except humans aren't on my menu for dinner,

It sounds like an extremely, ignorant prejudice, but I can't help but pick beef as my dinner winner,

I don't care about a social class,

As food, all humans, I give a pass,

I love to also eat mutton and pork, but those meats stretch out my pants, and I am aiming to grow thinner.

A BORING POEM: MY CHRISTMAS BREAK INSPIRATION

I decided to paint a small picture, over my Christmas college break,

I painted various sized oak, maple and pine trees, surrounding a lake,

I painted a sun,

A giant orange one,

I added a couple with a picnic basket; sitting down, eating cake.

THE MOORE FEDORA

My old fedora was eaten away by bugs,

It was given to me by mama, with a kiss and hugs,

It belonged to my Grand Pappy Moore,

He bought it for a nickel, at a store,

I lost my daddy's hunting hat, when it got slimed by slugs.

AWOKE IN THE WOODS: I'M BABY FOOD IN THOSE HOODS

I was cross-country skiing, when in some deep hole, I was downed,

I woke a big grisly bear, and up on her back feet, she bound,

She gave me a scare,

That gris, mama bear,

But, the cute baby bear ate me, while mama bear held me down.

I FOUND A BUNNY, AND BECAME A REAL ESTATE TYCOON

I bought an abandoned, tiny house for my first rental, realty,

Then it rained and the roof was bad, and under the floor there sat a sea,

I replaced the roof with much, borrowed money,

Pumped the water out, and found a drowned bunny,

Once the water was all pumped out, I made some hot, chamomile tea.

THE CLARINET CONCERTO FOR BUNKER BUMS

I made plans, and built a massive bunker, so I could sleep soundly at night,

I will be quite safe from falling acorns, and such things that give me a fright,

The bunker is 70 feet down deep,

A tomb, where my stored groceries, I keep,

I also have my clarinet, to play for fellow bunker bums, delight.

TIMMY DOES NOT WORK HERE, ANYMORE

Timmy was an odd, little man, who drove a great big, city bus,

If you did not do what Timmy said, he would spit on you and cuss,

Timmy was a disgusting, nasty man,

Quick tempered, and Timmy loved to bus ban,

No one ever liked Timmy, when he got fired, there was no fuss.

PARENTS, TEACHER AND THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

Teacher told me I was a lunatic, and sent me straight home from the middle school,

She called my parents and said I was a lunatic, with the tendencies of a fool,

My laidback parents, truly did not care,

They chewed tobacco, then spit in the air,

In the kitchen, I made a quick sandwich sup, and the girl next door, swam her pool.

THRIFT STORE SUCCESS

I went thrifting today, and bought p!acid tulips for a buck,

I also bought a booster seat, so I can steer my pickup truck,

At home I admired the tulips, 

While sipping down homemade mint juleps,

I wrapped a gift I found for grandad; a signed Red Wings hockey puck.

WAREHOUSE WORKER

I worked all day in shipping and receiving, now my orders are mixed up,

I cannot go home for dinner, so on snack chips and coffee I must sup,

The snack machine is full of taste treasure,

But, all I get are plain chips, that don't pleasure,

And, the machine that provides coffee, half the time, does not provide a cup.

ROBOT SKINCARE FOR THE SENSITIVE AI

I'm an AI robot, and my skin film pores, got very sore,

They were plugged up with dust from my work mining, iron metal, ore,

The skin creams, were just no good,

The laser, it worked like it should,

The dust melted into a liquid, and dripped down to the floor.

OUR AFTER CHRISTMAS SLEIGH RIDE

I got a kite for Christmas, and I flew it behind a two horse sleigh,

Every time the kite got really high, the bright sun would say, "good day",

Pop drove the sleigh into the big city,

So mom could buy makeup, to look pretty,

I waved at many real cute girls, but they would always look away.

BAD NEIGHBORS

I was so mad; I put on my winter boots to walk into a war,

The evil, next door neighbors, blew out their driveway, and filled mine in more,

The neighbors ran away,

In their house, they would stay,

I blew out my driveway, and into their driveway, I let the snow pour.

MAGIC SANTA GREENS SPOILED CHRISTMAS

Santa  gave everyone a can of spinach, for their present, Christmas Day,

Then Magic Santa, rode off triumphantly, in his vintage, canned goods sleigh,

Staying warm and alive is my goal,

So, I'd rather have a chunk of coal,

I hoped the can was magic; it was spoiled, so I tossed it far away.

I INVENTED WARP DRIVE

I invented starship warp drive, and I went on a trip,

It did not take me very long, in my warp driving ship,

I went to a planet called Mars,

But, there were just too many cars,

I tried to find parking, but got a Martian finger flip.

WHEN PIGS FLY FOR SANTA

Santa's reign deer got sick this year, so now Santa is using flying pigs,

The pigs are always hungry, but they want to eat only dried, fancy figs,

Santa tried to feed the pigs, dried plums,

The plums destabilized the pig tums,

It is just so hard to get descent help, to pull those magic, sleigh bell rigs.

IT'S EARLY CHRISTMAS MORNING AND SANTA IS ON HIS WAY

It is very early on Christmas morning; Santa's red sleigh is flying,

In order to get Christmas presents this year, I did a lot of lying,

My letter to Santa, told him I did good,

And, shoveled snow for old people, in my hood,

I didn't tell Santa I torment my kid bro, until he starts eye crying.

CHEESY ASPARAGUS AND A PLATE LICKER

I bought some asparagus for my Christmas dinner, and I covered it with cheese,

I dripped over the asparagus dish,  some bacon grease for a rich, flavor tease,

While the dish was hot, I started to eat,

It was the utmost, delicious treat,

When done, my dog gave a real hate stare at me; I let him lick my plate, to appease.

I WENT TO JAIL FOR MY SELF EXPRESSION

I went to the pub; bellied up to the bar six or seven times,

When there was absolutely no one looking, I would scratch some rhymes,

As my Limericks got sillier,

The bartender got bullier,

And, he had me arrested for destruction of property, crimes.

THE HOLIDAY DINGERS AND SINGERS 2025

I went to hear a choir that had voices of bling,

The choir was ringing bells that sung, " ring, dingy, ding"

Each choir member had a bell,

And they each rang them really well,

They rang them so well, I couldn't tell the ding from the sing.

GOT HOOKED BY LOOKSMAXXING

I punched myself in my pretty face all day, to really change my facial looks,

I taught myself exactly how to do this, by reading many internet books,

It has caused me some harm,

I badly broke each arm,

I kept missing my face and hitting a wall; I lost both hands, but gained two hooks.

OCCAM'S RAZOR TURNED MY BRAIN INTO POOP

I was shaving when Occam's razor cut my face,

I'm suing his company in a big court case,

The razor cut really deep,

I got the blood poison, creep,

The poison destroyed my brain; my one thinking place.

A TRINA AND FAMILY CHRISTMAS

Trina had a little Christmas in her little Christmas home,

She shared it with her family:  her cat and a garden gnome,

They thought themselves to be winners,

Eating frozen chicken dinners,

They opened their gifts, and recited this silly, Christmas poem..

THE WIFE, THE GAMER AND NEIGHBOR NED

My wife has been down to neighbor Ned's house, all night and day,

Ned is stud handsome and divorced, and real lonely, some say,

I'm beginning to wonder,

If my marriage is asunder,

I'll think on it more, after my intense Xbox game play.

TRINA BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE

Trina bought a Christmas tree, she bought it at the mall, 

The tree was not very big, standing only three feet tall,

Trina set the tree on a table,

Next to her statue of Clark Gable,

Trina put decorations on her tree, each one was a silver ball.

VERN GOT THE CHURN

It was a Merry Christmas for Uncle Vern,

Someone gave Uncle Vern his first butter churn,

Vern churned a batch of butter,

That made hungry guts flutter,

Then, lots of money, Vern's churned butter would earn.

MY AFFORDABILITY CRISIS

Everything I go to buy, is completely unaffordable,

I'm told I should save my paychecks, but my incomes are unhordable, 

Some say, money is like pee,

It shoots out to join the sea,

Debt collectors have found me, for all my info is recordable.  

THE PURLOINED GOOSE

Christmas was coming, and our old, grey goose got real big and fat,14

Then our neighbors stole our big goose, then ate it, and that was that,14

We still had baked beans,

A salad with greens,

And, a big box of frozen fried chicken that smelled like wet cat.

STAY IN SCHOOL, OR BE A GHOUL

My big sister Trina, became a creepy, sinister ghoul,

That was her default job, because she wouldn't attend her school,

Kids, go to school, work hard and behave,

Or, you'll be digging up someone's grave,

And, no matter what my sister says, grave robbing is not cool.

TRINA TOOK THE CHRISTMAS TRAIN

Trina boarded the Christmas train to the big town of Kalamazoo,

Once there, Trina went Christmas thrifting, buying cheap trinkets that were blue,

Bought a cheap trinket for ma,

Bought a cheap trinket for pa,

Trina had some pennies left, so grandma got a cheap, blue trinket, too.

A MIDWEST MIDDLE-CLASS CHRISTMAS IN 2025

I could only buy one doll for Christmas, because that's all I can afford,

This year, my seven daughters will have to share it, and no one gets to hoard,

My daughters are all getting thinner,

Each is an economic winner,

After the kids open their present, we will feast on beans stuffed in a gourd.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

BELLY, FOOD AND EYEBALLS

I cannot buy a pizza pie,

Because the price was raised too high,

The price of pop?

Too high, full stop,

My belly hurts; my eyeballs cry..

A FLORIDA IN-LAW CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

I drove down to Florida for Christmas, with my in-laws, the three, nasty bears,

They're my wife's parents, they can't stand me, and her grandma; at me, she really stares.

There was not very much, happy fun,

In-law dad, kept itching his back bun,

Grandma made a voodoo doll of me; stuck it with pins, and cursed me with nightmares.

SANTA'S TAINTED CHICKEN, CHRISTMAS ADVENTURE

I left a chicken sandwich out for Santa, but the chicken was tainted,

While driving, Santa's stomach started growling, and Santa almost fainted,

Santa made a few pit stops,

Calmed his gut with soda pops,

But, by the time Santa started back home, his seat cushion was brown painted.

BOURBON SAILING DID NOT END WELL FOR ME

My beautiful, brand new sailboat was seven meters long,

I named her after a punk band, The Seven Meters Song,

Because of bourbon and tea,

I was lost out on the sea,

And, ended up on the island where they worshiped King Kong.

TRINA GOES THRIFTING FOR CHRISTMAS

Trina wrapped a Christmas present for her nice mommy and her dear dad,

She bought the present at a thrift shop, because that is the latest fad,

The present was a 4 inch wide, Maine state flag,

Trina left on it, the $2.00 price tag,

Her folks want to visit Maine, but the cold climate is freezer burn bad.

TOESIES AND THE NUT: A TRINA STORY

Trina had a big acorn, stuffed way up in her shoe,

It made her little toesies all black and navy blue,

Trina pulled off her little shoe,

Pulled out the acorn, which she threw,

And, hit the Easter Bunny, then Bunny go boohoo.

GRANDPA BLOODSUCKER

My granddad was born in 1795,

I do not know how, but granddad is still alive,

He only comes out at night,

Disappears by first daylight,

They say he must drink fresh, human blood to survive.

SANTA'S SLEIGH CRUSHES TRAILER

Santa's sleigh and reindeer landed on my frail, trailer top,

I heard the sleigh land, and reindeer hooves landing, plop, plop,plop, 

Through the roof came Santa's red sleigh,

The deer followed down, all the way

My remains were cleaned up using a bucket and a mop.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

MY CAT: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SMELLS

My big, lurking, gray cat has many wicked, wicked ways,

My cat, Sheila, eats the rats that make my home, their maze,

When I enjoy my night cap,

She will blow farts on my lap,

When I eat tuna melt, she glares, with a murderous gaze.

THE FAMILY OF FOOD

My ghee ran away with my beans,

They have been in love, since their teens,

I hope that it's true,

That they marry, too,

And, adopt some little sardines.

POX = DETOX

I came down with a case of severe pox,

I caught it from my new cereal box,

There's pox in all the stores,

In the ceilings and floors,

I feel so sick, like I did in detox.  

BOLOGNA

I only eat bologna, it's a nutritious, power food,

It could be made of pork and chicken, or some poor, homeless dude,

It is an old, secret recipe,

Keep quiet, or be an arrestee,

Bologna increases alpha-mones, and prolongs a romantic mood.

I'M AMPED AND MYSTIFIED

I have an amplified and mystified mind,

As I look up at the sky stars, twist and wind,

Stars live in the past,

Not a thing can last,

I see many ghost stars, because they once shined.

COURTING THE TINKER OVER A POT HOLE

I needed my pot fixed, so I could have some stew with my port,15

So, I went to see the great tinker; he was my dead, last resort,16

Tinker patched my holed pot,

Tinker charged me a lot,

When I refused to pay, the great tinker, took me to tinker pot court.17

I BLEW MY HORN AND NO ONE CAME

I played a trumpet solo at a theatre in Western Maine,

No audience showed up, so I felt intense, rejection pain,

The concert tickets were free,

If no one showed up, it's me,

What's more, there is a raging snowstorm, and I must catch a plane.

WALKING WHILE TALKING ABOUT OLD FRIENDS, AND A CHEW

I left the sleepy, little village, because I thought I'd take a walk,

Villagers think that I am really weird, because to myself, I talk,

I discuss the friends of my past,

Their little lives that did not last,

I like to hike past the cornfields, so I can chew kernels off a stalk,

PREMINITION

The world is full of a rag nasty, great gloom,

Everywhere I look, I see coming, my doom,

No sense in my trying,

I'll just end up crying,

On the horizon, morbid premonitions loom.

MISSED OPPORTUNITY FOR FREE, WINTER MEAT

There was an enormous mule deer, digging in my front yard,

He was digging in ice and snow to eat my dead, Swiss chard,

I went and got my deer hunting gun,

He could feed my daughter and my son,

I shot, missed the deer, but hit my front tire really hard.

I WENT FOR A DRINK

Just for one dollar, I got my fingernails clipped,

Then in a grey, hand lotion, my fingers got dipped,

I felt nice and pretty,

I went to the city,

I sat in a bar, and a martini I sipped.

HE GOT DOXED

When Jim got contagious, and his body got to poxing,

Over the internets, his information was doxing,

He did not go roam,

He stayed in his home,

And, fought off intruders, because he trained in kickboxing.

DENNY ATE TOO MANY

Denny ate so many tomatoes, his mouth was full of canker sores,

He ate so many dried prunes, that every bowel movement, it pours,

He ate too many onions, as well,

Caused an armpit issue, you could tell,

Denny, who had too many, had a girth issue, getting through narrow doors.

NURSE POUCHIE

My little terrier, has a very kind, pouchIe brain,

He brings me my fluffy slippers, and drags to me my cane,

I lost my teeth to decay,

He chews all my food, hooray!

I depend on Pouchie; nurse care is so hard to obtain.

MY LICENSE TO KILL (VAMPIRES)

I just got my license to hunt the vampires,
This has always been one of my great desires,
So, I went to the fair,
Found just werewolves there,
At the circus, I found vamps riding the high wires.