TWO SKUNKS MADE A NEST UNDER MY DECK LIMERICK

Two skunks made a nest right under my deck,
They had little babies and they were cute as all heck,
Though the smells did appall,
The skunks went away in the fall,
They were cute but my sinuses are a wreck.

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CRUSHED DREAMS OF THE CELLIST

My cello was run over by a sports car,

It's destroyed, now I won't be a cellist star,

I thought it wouldn't get injured,

So it was never insured,

I went from concerts, to tending a dive bar.

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I WHACKED MY FISH, AND FRIED THEM UP LIKE MAMA DID

I use to fish with a cane pole, and whacked the fish in the head, real fast,

I scooped them up quick, into my net, because their concussion wouldn't last,

I whacked them again, in the head,

I made sure they were pretty dead,

The fillets, I fried in bacon grease; just like mama did in the past.

PIGS IN A PICKLE

Farley was a chicken farmer, who was allergic to chicken meat,

So he would have to eat chicken eggs, if chicken he was to eat,

One day Farley ate some pork,

And new flavors he did uncork,

So Farley switched to raising pigs, and dined on their pickled feet.

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THE FLAW

My psychologist says I have a personality flaw,

It seems, I put weirdo people on the pedestal of awe,

If they spout weirdo gas,

I'm up their underpass,

And, I will believe everything I've seen, see and/or saw.

CANNED FROM THE BAND

I was marching down the road in a band,

When the wind blew and I was covered with sand,

It plugged the hole in my trombone,

Which gave me a crazy tone,

Hence, the band director said, I was canned.

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GRANNY FIXED UP DOGS AND CATS

At granny's house I got real squirmy

Because granny practiced taxidermy,

She did mostly pet cats and dogs,

Most pets turned out hard as logs,

When the dermy didn't take the critters went wormy.

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BROTHER BRAT

My trumpet notes are really flat,

Since my brother beat it with a bat,

He beat my oboe on the floor,

And slammed my trombone in ma's truck door,

My big brother is a bully brat.

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TRINKET TROLLEY WALLY, AND THE BIRD IN ROME, NAMED POLLY

I sold trinkets off a beautiful, festooned, trinket trolley,

I shared the business with my slow motion, Cousin Wally,

I became really, really miffed,

Because Wally wouldn't work his shift,

I quit the trinket trade, and moved to Rome with my bird, Polly.

UNHINGED TRUMPETER

Tory the 1st chair trumpeter, became quite unhinged,

Because on Johann S. Bach, all night she super binged,

Her lips were sore,

Her tongue was tore,

She started Toccata and Fugue, and her fingers cringed.

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FISHING WITH A DINGY

I rowed my dingy out onto the bay,
I hoped to catch fish from dusk until day,
But, just after dark,
Along came a shark,
Now in the shark’s belly I lay.

I took out my dingy to fish for crappies,
But, I ran into turtles that I call snappies,
They snapped my dingy in two,
I was on their menu,
My demise gave the snappies the happies.

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BENNY, BUGS, BEARS AND SNUGS

Benny don't like the woods cause it's full of biting bugs,

And there's lots of hairy bears that squeeze him with bear hugs,

Benny likes to stay inside,

From bugs and bears, he then can hide,

Then with his blue blanket, Benny caresses it and snugs.

AFTER DOOMSCROLLING, I GIVE UP

I went doomscrolling on all the internets, and boy, did I find doom,

I tried to find some good news, but on the internets, there was no room,

Killer rocks, toward our planet, fly,

Ice cream cone prices are too high,

A big explosion builds within planet earth, and soon we'll all go, Boom!

PARADISE FOR SALE?

My needy trailer is starting to rapidly decompose,

The plumbing is shot so, I hooked the pump to a garden hose,

The roof leaks streams in the rain,

My caved in floors provide a drain,

I'd like to sell, but I'd owe the bank all the money, at close.

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MY DRIP COFFEE MAKER DRIPS NO MORE

My drip coffee maker drips no more,
It's a Holiday so I can't get to a store,
The world is looking fuzzy,
Without my coffee buzzy,
I think I will pass out and fall on the floor.

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IN THE KINGDOM OF THE KIND, EVERYONE STILL HATES ME

In the kingdom of the kind, everyone at my work, still hates me,

People dine with friends after work, I dine alone on popcorn and ghee,

In the kingdom, people exchange a smile,

Except me, they treat me like a cow pile,

I believe I should find work somewhere else, where normals exchange cruelty.

TURNING THAT ODD JOB INTO A CAREER

I went to pond frog school to learn how to hop, hop, hop hop,

I went to fish out of water school to learn to flip flop,

I could hop, hop all day,

Flip flop the night away,

I went to big, ugly bug school to bite people, nonstop. 

KITCHENING WITH JENNY

Jenny had many pans and Jenny had some pots,

Jenny had a toaster, and toasted lots and lots,

Jenny had a new, hot air fryer,

Fancy cookware? she was a buyer,

When Jenny has food leftover, it sits and rots.

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AT THE END I AM PILES

I fell off a cliff, and looked down at big, sharp, nasty stones,

I knew that soon upon them, I'd be bleaching my broke bones,

Then I saw a tiger,

A lion and a liger,

I knew I'd soon be in scat piles, with scat pile tones.

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A DIFFERENT DUMBER

It's a summer Saturday morn, and most of town is going rafting,

Except, I am going downtown to pick up supplies, for some crafting,

l have made my hobby picks,

Little bags of hobby sticks,

I'm gonna build a suspension bridge, which will take some time for drafting.

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JIMBO'S CHICKEN COOP FIRE

When Jimbo's chicken coop caught fire,

The chickens escaped over the chicken wire,

But, they didn't get anywhere,

They were all ate by a bear,

Now, Jimbo's chicken farm's future is dire.

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COOP

THE CORN ROAST LIMERICK

Moose Gillies would brag and would boast,
About his annual summer corn roast,
But, this year he got bent,
When in the fire the corn went,
And, was burnt blacker than his wife's turkey breast roast.  

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LOTIONS,AND POTIONS AND WORMS IN THE EARS

Jimmy had worms burrowing deep into his ears,

He had worm eggs sliding down his face in his tears,

He bought topical lotions,

And consumable potions,

He got better, and told his saga over beers.

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BEN'S TOOTH FAIRY FLY

Ben's belly got nausea, when Ben ate too much raspberry pie,

Also, seeds got stuck in Ben's cavities, and that made Ben, tear cry,

Ben's teeth were too rotten to fill,

They needed pliers, not a drill,

Ben got gassed when his teeth were pulled, and he flew like a bird, up high.

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THE BONE THAT I FOUND

A dinosaur bone I dug up under my swing,

I did so by doing that swish footie thing,

And, because of the bone that I found,

I'm an official rock hound,

Although, the bone was really from a fried chicken wing.

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YARN AND GARDEN

I tried to play  croquet, today,

Or, was it actually called macrame,

I was told I had had poor form,

I need a workout to be norm,

Seems I was actually doing crochet.

CONFUSING A SPOON WITH A FORK: MISTAKES HAVE CONSEQUENCES

I threw a spoon into the air, and a fork came down upon my head,

It stuck deep into my skull, and I started to become really dead,

The biggest hurt came at first,

That pain was the very worst,

I just hope they bury me deep enough, so the coyote won't get fed.

MONSTERS WITH CLAWS

I use to have four giant, sharp claws,

They gave other clawed monsters, a big pause,

Opponents got rip shredded,

Disarmed, and then beheaded,

That kind of bleeding won't stop with just gauze.  

MY HOUSE PLANTS, THE POTTED DEAD

I water and water all my house plants, but they all seem to die,

With all the tap water I give them, they're sop and wet, never dry,

My cousin, who is my wiser,

Said, to give them fertilizer,

The plants went super perky, then they died as they came off their high.

THE SPACE LASAR GOT ME GOOD

There is this glowing space laser, some call it the sun,

It aims straight down on me, like some Martian ray gun,

It's not at all funny,

Getting zapped by the sunny

I feel cooked like a turkey, dry and crispy done.

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,

CRITTER STEW FOR TWO

I found some dry hickory, so I lit it to heat a winter stew,

I threw in the stew a snow bunny, a dead frog and something that flew,

The stew bubbled, and the fire hissed,

Soon, the critter stew, my fat lips kissed,

After dinner I took a nap, while my dog Dexter dropped his poo.

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MY BABY TURNED MEAN

On my head I have a big bobo,

Caused by my kid, who is only two,

He's violent toward me,

He will not let me be,

He mean hits me with his hard shoe.

GETTING REAL AND THE FLAGPOLE

My old burn barrel got way out of control,

Burning the woods down was never my real goal,

And Bigfoot got real mad,

And he made me real sad,

When he tied me to the top of the flagpole. 

MY BIG, BEAUTIFUL VOICE INSIDE

I looked hard to find my inner voice, speaking inside,

But, in that vast, open space, no thoughts at all reside,

Between my two, beautiful ears,

I know only laughter and tears,

Every thought I have, I wear on my outer hide.

NEIGHBORLY ADVICE

The neighbor lady told Paul, he looked really creepy,

When he walked the neighborhood alone, before sleepy,

She said, to at least get a small dog,

Visit the local pub for a grog,

And, quit using the neighbor's front lawns to go pee pee.

BACON, TOAST EGGS GOOD: CEREAL, NOT SO MUCH HAIKU

High priced cereal,
Nice box: tastes like sticks and leaves,
Trash can smells better.

Sugar, Cereal,
Yuck! Tastes like very dry grass,
Eggs, toast, bacon, good.

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I VISITED MY NEIGHBORS DOWNSTAIRS

There was a clog in my kitchen sink drain,
While under my sink the pipes leaked stinky rain,
Then, my floorboards got soft,
And, I plunged down from my loft,
To visit neighbors, who asked me to explain.

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THE BASS, BASS, BASS, SHOE CONTEST

They disputed my final fish weigh-in, and I lost the 1st place, and cash prise,

The prise was $10,000 dollars, that brought a million tears to my crying eyes,

The weight was a little bit askew,

I added the weight of an old shoe,

This contest was rigged; I won't donate my fish to any charity fish fries.

WHEN THINGS FALL APART, GET YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND

A big baboon and a little ginger, went on a  fair ride,

On a rusty, rickety ferris wheel, they sat side by side,

When the wheel fell all apart,

The baboon showed he was smart,

He swung down using cables, the ginger got impaled, and died.

THE BALLAD OF BENNY MUNDANE

Benny woke up this morning, and noticed a bump on his dome,

He figured he banged his head during his late night, bathroom roam,

Benny sat in a wobbly, kitchen chair,

Benny noticed his table, was food bare,

Benny took a scalding, hot shower, drank a beer, and stayed home.

WEREWOLF WAITING

There was a werewolf waiting up in an oak tree,

He was waiting there for hours, just for me,

He jumped down on my head,

Made me feel half dead,

Then he took off saying, he had to go pee.

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I AWOKE FROM A COMA

I woke up from a coma, and I am nothing but bones,

I lost all of my fat and my impressive muscle tones,

I spent ten years as a pile,

Dwindling away, all of the while,

I cannot see in color, because I lost my eye cones.

THE ROCK NESTERS

I listened to the band, Rock Nesters, when I was a tween, rage boy,

They were an aging birdie band, but they sang of true love and joy,

The Rock Nesters Band, 

Toured across the land,

They should have lasted longer, but each loved their manager,

 Coy Roy.  

ZIPPY EATS TIPPY

I had a toothy, pet fish, his name was Zippy,

He was a piranha, he ate my dog Tippy,

I yelled at Zippy; he made tears,

We made kiss/nice, over some beers,

Zippy went to the head, for a Tippy rippy.

HONEY BEAR, TUESDAY FREAK

There is a big, smelly, honey bear, named Tuesday Freak,

His early a.m. podcast, is an early news peek,

He tended a left bent,

That didn't pay his rent,

Bears seek out Freaks podcast, if it's right wing news they seek.

BACKWOODS MICHIGAN HEART CLOGGING DIET LIMERICK

I love my bacon grease fried potaters,
I flavor them with garden green tomaters,
With scrambled eggs on the side,
And venison steak grilled with pride,
Such foods to my senses they caters.

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I SHOWED THE MOSS JUST WHO IS BOSS

My roof was all covered with green moss,
Some fertilizer, I gave a toss,
The moss dried up and it died,
I take belligerent pride,
In showing moss just who is the boss.

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DAVY AND THE SEAHORSE

When Davy dove under the sea,

He met a seahorse named Lee,

And, for just a dime each,

The seahorse gave rides to the beach,

The beach was where Davy went for his tea.

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SAM AND THE SPUNKY SKUNK

There was this real handsome mink, his name was Saginaw Sam,

He had luxurious fur, because Sam ate fatty ham,

Sam dropped out of banjo school,

To play professional pool,

At age three, Sam got married to a spunky skunk, named Pam.

CLYDE THE SPIDER LIMERICK

There once was a spider named Clyde,
He built spider webs with such pride,
Then, down came a great rain,
The webs went down the drain,
Now, he builds all his webs inside.

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DINNER WITH A KING

I went fishing and caught one big, beautiful, king salmon fish,

I cooked it in the oven, after I put it in a dish,

Out of the oven, the fish smelled fine,

Tasted great with cranberry, red wine,

After dinner and making merry, a nap was my first wish.

MISDEMEANOR BOB WITHOUT BAIL

Bob went to court, and a very mean judge was there,

Bob smiled real pretty, but that judge did not care,

Bob had no money for bail, 

So, he went to county jail,

They furnished Bob a jumpsuit, but no underwear.

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PUT THE GOLDFISH TO WORK

I have a big, all orange goldfish that I named Mr. Tew,

He likes working leather, that's about all Mr. Tew do,

If He passes away,

I will morn him that day,

Then I'll get goldfish Mr. Three, and he'll make stuff with glue.

COMPOST PILE FIRES HAVE CONSEQUENCES

My compost pile caught fire and burned down my garden shack,
Now when I'm done working I have no place to put tools back,
So, my tools lay in the yard,
Getting rusty, crusty hard.
And, I cannot replace them because the finances I lack.

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MY GOOGLE IS FADING AWAY

I googled my given name and what news did I find?

I found my reputation has steadily declined,

After work, washing dishes,

On the beach, near the fishes,

I'll fall asleep after drinking some cheap, homemade wine.

BALLS, PINS, RASPBERRIES AND SINS

It's a wild, wild raspberry ride,

As big bowling balls and large pins collide,

The bouncing of pins,

Is like forgiveness of sins,

A new found peace, once the bounces subside.

IN THE SHALLOWS THERE BE TURTLES

Four little fish were having such fun,
Swimming beneath the bright morning sun,
They swam in the shallows,
Which turned into a gallows,
The turtles ate every single one.

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BAD TOAD

A toad hopped upon my tablecloth, expecting to eat for free,

I had roast chicken, corn and taters, I cooked up for only me, 

On my table, I laid out my meal,

A great dinner, with an eye appeal,

I told the toad to "get"; he lifted his leg, and commenced to pee.

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THE TOAST GHOST MADE ME COAST

When for breakfast, I prepared me some toast,

It fell on the floor and became a meal ghost,

So, with no toast to fill,

My stomach went ill,

Then, all day at my job I did coast.

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WHY I'M HIDING IN THE BARN

There was a goblin in my shower,

He was nine feet tall, that goblin tower,

He was all teeth and scales,

So, I made screams and wails, 

Then, I ran to the barn where I cower. 

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