THE RHUBARB WINE LIMERICKS UNPLUGGED

There is nothing as potent as fresh rhubarb wine,
It’s not drank by the timid, connoisseur or, divine,
The bottle warnings you should heed,
It can make your eye balls bleed,
To save yourself when offered a glass just decline. 

Rhubarb wine made me grow hair down between my toes,
I grew hair in my ears and the nostrils of my nose,
The wine made my eyes all glassy,
This scared off my main lassie, 
Rhubarb wine is the cause of most all of my woes.

11923

JUNIOR QUANTOS WENT TO SCHOOL

Junior Quantos went to a public high school,

He aced physics classes, using his big brain tool,

Although, his body was puny,

At 16, he went to Uni,

He became rich; he has a mansion with a pool.

WHAT TIGERS DO ALL DAY

There once was a tiger named Bill,

He lived just up over the hill,

Everyday he'd eat mice,

Take a swim to drown lice,

The rest of the time, he'd just chill.

A MARTIAN CAME DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE

A Martian came down from outer space,
He looked for towels with fancy white lace,
His wife wanted them soon,
Or, he'd sleep on the moon,
He bought her an entire case.

11823

THE PIG AND I

My cute little pig, laid down for a long sleep,

Now, soon tender vitals, my cleaver shall reap,

I have no regrets,

I eat all my pets,

Except for my hound dog; he'll bite me back, deep.

THE CLOWN WITH GINGIVITIS

The happy fat clown had gingivitis,
His smile could no longer delight us,
He was fired today,
Given no severance pay,
On the way out, he tried to bite us.

9322

COUCH PANTS

Jimmy had pants made of real nice Naugahyde,

Only pair that exists, and I've never lied,

His mama was poor,

Couldn't shop at a store,

Made Jimmy's pants from a couch, sitting outside.

THREE PINES AND ONE BAT CAMPGROUND

I went camping at a campground called, Three Pines and One Bat,

I saw the three dead pines, but worried, where was the bat at,

Then, ouch what the darn, heck?

 The bat vented my neck,

Out poured my blood, the dead pines turned green, I died where I sat.

THE COST FOR WADING IS MONEY AND PAIN

When wading in the ocean, you might get a bad sting,

And, most times that creature is a most poisonous thing,

The sting you must pamper,

You unhappy camper,

To get it treated, you'll have to sell most of your bling.

41424

THE MEAN BLUE BIRD NAMED JAY-Limerick

There was a big blue bird named Jay,
He chased all the small birds away,
An eagle dropped by,
He ate Jay on the fly,
No one helped Jay on that day.

Jay was a really mean old bird,
He only screamed and said not a word,
When an eagle named Heather,
Ate Jay beak and feather,
Jay's screams was all anyone heard.

No one was sad to see Jay gone,
He was mean from dawn to dawn,
For his memorial day,
Nothing good could one say,
At the wake they had salt licks and prawn.

33022

MY DIESEL TRUCK: THE CAUSE OF ALL MY PROBLEMS

I have a truck that’s a diesel and it don’t want to go,
Diesel fuel gets real sticky in the cold and the snow,
I’ll be late for my job,
I’ll be an unemployed slob,
I’d of bought a regular gas truck if only I’d know.

My diesel truck made me so late for work,
I was summarily fired by the boss, who’s a jerk,
Unemployed I and upset be,
My girl friend left me,
Now with not hope my mind is berserk.

121214

THE MIND WAR

I fought a mind war with checkers, against my natural foe,

He was my crazy sister's new boyfriend, and his name was Beau,

Beau took the round reds,

I got the black heads,

I  won when Beau's very last king, had no safe place to go.

 

MY NEW MUSIC HOBBY

I bought me some records that they call LP,

They make lots of noise, which makes a happy me,

I heard a trumpet toot, toot,

And, the peep, peep of a flute,

Then someone was singing, but they were off key.

ATTENTION ANDROIDS: JUST SAY NO TO POP

My pop was full of bubbles and those bubbles filled the void,

But, then the pop kept on bubbling and that made me annoyed,

 And, I was built with no gas release,

My maker can't help because he rests in peace,

I should not have drank pop because I'm an android,

I was in great pain but, I managed a burp,

It was very squeaky, much like a bird chirp,

I took an antacid, which made the pop bubble more,

The pressure and bloating made my android parts sore,

I vow not to drink pop, though I crave for a slurp.

102222

THE BEAR AND THE MAYONNAISE

My mayonnaise had an odor, so I set it outside my backdoor,

A grizzly bear ate the whole jar, he died, with a whimper, and no roar,

My mayonnaise did the bear no good,

Poor big critter, from my neighborhood,

I took the empty jar into town, to get money back from the store.

41224

EXTRA NUTS PLEASE

I ordered some extra nuts off the net,

They're almonds, the right size nuts, you can bet,

I ordered the real salty,

Goes with my beer that's real malty,

Now with my nuts my weekend's all set.

THE SPACE LASAR GOT ME GOOD

There is this glowing space laser, some call it the sun,

It aims straight down on me, like some Martian ray gun,

It's not at all funny,

Getting zapped by the sunny

I feel cooked like a turkey, dry and crispy done.

6323

,

I TOOK A BREAK AND IT HURT

I ate two onion bagels, and that was lunch,

I washed them down with a sweet, raspberry punch,

My teeth were full of ruts,

On break I chewed some nuts,

I shouted "Ouch!", with every single crunch.

41224

Fridays Are For Knocking Off Early

Tank in back of the toilet seat,

Good porcelain clean and neat,

Sits solid on floor,

Friday used more,

See ya, at weekend retreat.

52722

LEFTOVERS

All the food in my fridge is in rapid decline,

The juice is all fuzzy, and has turned into wine,

The potatoes are a dark green,

The chicken has a shiny sheen,

Last months popular pork roast, is growing a vine.

041124

THERE WAS A COLLEGE STUDENT NAMED DRAKE

There was a college student named Drake,
Over and over the same class he'd take,
The first time he got a "C",
The second time a grade "B",
He should get an "A" now for goodness sake.

12317

I PARKED WRONG AND MY CAR WENT AWAY

I drove to work in the rain and the drive was really long,

I parked near the building although, I knew it was wrong,

After only one hour,

Even in a thunderous shower,

My car was hauled by a ding dong. 

82122

THE LOST PONTOON TREASURE

My pontoon, it don't float no more,

It's stuck in muck on the lake floor,

And, next to the seat,

There's snacks to eat,

For the fish it's a treasure score.

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FISHING WITH A FRIGID RUBBER WORM

I catch few fish but, many trees,

I catch logs, and shoes and water lillies,

I blame the rubber worm on my hook, 

Methinks he displays a bad look,

He's frigid and the fish want a tease.

51520

I SLEPT AROUND

I slept on a soft bed, and I slept on a coach,

I slept on floorboards with nails that made me shout, "ouch",

 I slept on a beach,

Where seagulls screech, screech,

I slept at the new zoo in a kangaroo pouch.

41124

THE BIG BEN BARN

I passed a barn out on U.S. 10,

It had a clock just like Big Ben,

But it didn't chime,

It mooed the time,

And clucked the music like a hen.

91622

ANTIQUE RAFTING

While I rafted down a creek,
My rubber raft ripped a big leak,
Then dry-shore I tried to seek,
But cold water made me swim too meek,
Soon my washed-up bones will be antique.

101821

NO TOCK, SO I BACH

I went today to see my heart specialist doc,

He said my heart had a tick, but seldom a tock, 

It made me both sad and happy,

I would soon see my dead pappy,

Soon dad's fiddle I'll hear playing, Johan S. Bach.

I LOST THE SNOW FORT

I lost my snow fort to the rain and sun,

I guess snow fort season is completely done,

The neighbor dog attacked and I'm overrun,

The dog barks and bites, so he ain't much fun,

I'm going back inside to hug my hon,

13022

A WORLD FULL OF PEOPLE

I went to the store, but the lot was filled up,

So I went to a restaurant to get me some sup,

Now I had no place at a table,

No one leaving, the place was stable,

So I went home and had noodles in a cup.

8417

WHO ARE THE GNOMES?

Their burger buns are packed with stones,

They fill their tacos with only bones,

They make their bread,

Of the walking dead,

To us they're known as gnomes. 

81122

CATCHING A SUNFISH CHANGES MY WORLD

I caught a giant sunfish and it's belly was full of pearls,

They were strung on some golden thread:  I guess they were some girls,

Then I found a big golden ring,

With a big diamond thing,   

I think next week I'll be dining with the Earls.

4318

JOY FOR FOOD SAMPLES

I like food stores that give out free samples,

Especially if those samples are amples,

Ample for a whole meal,

And  so I don't feel like I steal,

A sign so my rep don't get tramples.

72217

THE BONE PICKER LIMERICK

Ted turned a pretty profit in bones,
He picked them up in a pit full of stones,
Skulls and teeth he'd unbury,
Some looked handsome, some scary,
But none as scary as his student loans.

3122

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT

My wonderful, gentle, tender foot,

Worked long shifts on chimneys, clearing soot,

On the roof one day,

He slid fast away,

He now feeds a flower at the root.

41024

BIRDIE BRONSON THE PHEASANT

Birdie Bronson was a pet pheasant,
She lived on a farm near Mt. Pleasant,
She spotted a worm,
He started to squirm,
This was like saying that food was present.

Birdie Bronson the pheasant loved her bugs,
Though she never gave them kisses and hugs,
She bit them in two,
So she could chew,
Eating them by the bushels and lugs.

3922

PETE THE OGRE

There was an ogre named Pete,
He kept his hovel real neat,
They thought he was mean,
Because he was clean,
They refused to sell him some meat.

Because the townspeople were so rude,
Pete the Ogre could buy no food,
So, instead of baked brownies,
Pete lunched on the townies,
Pete became a respectable dude.

32822

TONY'S FISH SANDWICH LIMERICK

Tony's fish sandwich was all full of bones,
They got stuck in his throat and gave Tony moans,
Tony's next sandwich was jelly,
Which put aches in his belly,
Now, Tony just licks ice cream cones.

72721

WHY I HAVE NO CHAIRS LIMERICK

My relatives eat just pasta and beans,
Hence, in my family there aren't any leans,
So when one sits on a chair,
The weight it won't bear,
I'd buy more chairs but, I've run out of means.

112221

VOLE SOUP

I had vole soup and it didn't taste good,

It sort of tasted like pine cone wood,

The little ears and little tails,

The little paws with little nails,

I soped my bread and ate what I could.    

5221

ONLINE TUNA FISH AND HOMEMADE WINE

I ordered some tuna fish, online,

I opened the can and it smelled fine,

I ate it and drank homemade red wine,

I got gassy bubbles, a bad sign,

They buried me in a box; white pine.

 pine.

ITCHY CARPET

When I sit down on my carpet I start to itch,

I kind of blamed it on my little pooch, Mitch,

But, maybe it is not my little dog,

It could be my pet pig named Mog,

Or, my gerbils Frank, Leon and Rich.

12722
 

IN THE SHALLOWS THERE BE TURTLES

Four little fish were having such fun,
Swimming beneath the bright morning sun,
They swam in the shallows,
Which turned into a gallows,
The turtles ate every single one.

62021

A MEANER BEAR LIMERICK

A meaner bear I never saw,
Than the one in the woods near Mackinac,
He attacked my camp site,
Ate my fish in one bite,
Then on my tires he started to gnaw.

1123

MY TURKEY WOULD NOT STUFF

When stuffing my turkey, my turkey would not stuff,

I think it was the stuffing that made the job so rough,

I tried stuffing the bird with juice,

But, as stuffing juice is loose,

After stuffing the bird a third time, I decided I had enough.

92822

THE COUGAR IS COMING

If a cougar you want to stop,

First you give him a karate chop,

If he rips your arm off then you stop,  

And, cry out for your mom and pop,

If a cougar sees you don't run away,

If you do he'll think you want to play,

He's going to eat you anyway,

Just chalk it off to one bad day,

The cougar is coming, so you'd best hide away,

He can still smell you for you didn't bathe today,

Now, when he eats you I can sneak off to the bay,

Out on your yacht I'll catch me some ray.

32019

GETTING READY FOR WORK

I brush my teeth then wash my mouth out with a cup of ginger ale, 

I then spit out the ginger ale into a thing I call a pail,

To mood enhance,

I do a dance,

I then put on my uniform, and go to work guarding a jail.

4724

MY CHICKEN SAILED OUT TO SEA

My chicken sailed out to sea,

He left me so a traveler he'd be,

I told him he was a winner,

Always welcomed for a dinner,

Some scratch gravy I'd make, just for he.

11218

JIMMY 35 TOES

Jimmy had a grand total of 35 toes,

A local celebrity, who everyone knows,

Each year he gets a parade,

And all his toes are displayed,

He brings in the tourists, and his little town grows.

THE SIGN OF EVIL

I saw the sign of evil, I fear the most,

Six big locusts landed on my whole wheat toast,

My lower jaw made a sag,

Then I drooled on my dish rag,

I knew that by nightfall, I would be a ghost.

THE FLOWERLESS FLOWER MOON

I woke from sleep to see the Flower Moon,

I pierced through my window like the great sun at noon,

But, I saw no flowers,

Just star bunches and towers,

I'm thinking "weed" would be the moon's name in June.

51017

THE FIRST CONTACT HAIKU

Spacecraft, hovering, lands,

Open door, monster, ray gun,

Zap! Ouch! Alien probe! Ouch!!!

121223

MY ZAG AND MY ZIG AND MY JAZZ HARP GIG

I agreed with the highway when I made the zig,

I am afraid my zag was a mile too big,

My jeep made a fast roll,

I split body from soul,

I now play funky harp, when I get a jazz gig.

12321

POP ADDICTION

I went cold-freeze turkey,

Was muddled and murky,

I could never stop,

Drinking soda pop,

I'm now mean, and jerky. 

4624

THE CAVE OF GENTLE BEN, NOT!

Methinks that I heard a wren,

As I passed a forest glen,

I got very brave,

I entered a cave,

Found a bear, not Gentle Ben! 😦🤕

31321

THE PERCH THAT BEGGED HAD NO LEGS

The big perch I caught last night, had a big yellow belly,

His lips, tight as wires, and he was awfully smelly,

The perch begged and said, "Please, Please, Please,

If I had legs, I'd be on my knees,

Let me go and your kindness, I'll broadcast like a telly."

Epilogue

Fish tastes so good with lemon, and a dusting of white pepper and sea salt.

HOLLAND AND THE SWEATER COLORED KITTY

I went to Holland because in magazines it looks pretty,

Not the one overseas but, the one southwest of Bay City,

The tulips were the star,

I drank malt liqueur from a jar,

And, bought a sweater with colors matching my kitty.

41618

IT STORMED ALL DAY

It rained and stormed all day, 
The kids couldn't get out and play, 
They tore up the house,
 Drove off my spouse,
 Now all alone with the monsters I stay.

71822

FISH TONS AND NOT TO BE

How many, many tons of salty fish, are in the whole sea?

That was the question that really bothered, the brain cells in me,

I couldn't sleep at night,

My fingernails, I'd bite,

Then when I died,  the question was what is meant by not to be?.

THE DISCOMFORT OF GAINING MASS

Jim's Twinkie was shrinking with every big bite,

As Jim's Twinkie was shrinking, Jim's belt grew more tight,

Jim just went to the store,

Bought Twinkies, many more,

Jim loosened his belt, until his belt felt just right.

4524