THE FIRST CONTACT HAIKU

Spacecraft, hovering, lands,

Open door, monster, ray gun,

Zap! Ouch! Alien probe! Ouch!!!

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MY ZAG AND MY ZIG AND MY JAZZ HARP GIG

I agreed with the highway when I made the zig,

I am afraid my zag was a mile too big,

My jeep made a fast roll,

I split body from soul,

I now play funky harp, when I get a jazz gig.

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POP ADDICTION

I went cold-freeze turkey,

Was muddled and murky,

I could never stop,

Drinking soda pop,

I'm now mean, and jerky. 

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THE CAVE OF GENTLE BEN, NOT!

Methinks that I heard a wren,

As I passed a forest glen,

I got very brave,

I entered a cave,

Found a bear, not Gentle Ben! 😦🤕

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THE PERCH THAT BEGGED HAD NO LEGS

The big perch I caught last night, had a big yellow belly,

His lips, tight as wires, and he was awfully smelly,

The perch begged and said, "Please, Please, Please,

If I had legs, I'd be on my knees,

Let me go and your kindness, I'll broadcast like a telly."

Epilogue

Fish tastes so good with lemon, and a dusting of white pepper and sea salt.

HOLLAND AND THE SWEATER COLORED KITTY

I went to Holland because in magazines it looks pretty,

Not the one overseas but, the one southwest of Bay City,

The tulips were the star,

I drank malt liqueur from a jar,

And, bought a sweater with colors matching my kitty.

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IT STORMED ALL DAY

It rained and stormed all day, 
The kids couldn't get out and play, 
They tore up the house,
 Drove off my spouse,
 Now all alone with the monsters I stay.

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FISH TONS AND NOT TO BE

How many, many tons of salty fish, are in the whole sea?

That was the question that really bothered, the brain cells in me,

I couldn't sleep at night,

My fingernails, I'd bite,

Then when I died,  the question was what is meant by not to be?.

THE DISCOMFORT OF GAINING MASS

Jim's Twinkie was shrinking with every big bite,

As Jim's Twinkie was shrinking, Jim's belt grew more tight,

Jim just went to the store,

Bought Twinkies, many more,

Jim loosened his belt, until his belt felt just right.

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I RAN FOR OFFICE AND WON

I was on the down ballot, on the down ballot way down deep,

Running for the coveted office, listed as County Creep,

Unopposed was I,

But we had a tie,

A coin toss made me #1, #2 became my Veep.

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OLD SKEGGEY, THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER

The Skegemog Lake monster attacked my tin boat,
He bit it in half, so it would no longer float,
But I got a real special wish,
Skeggey was hungry for just fish,
I swam home and this limerick I wrote.

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THE FAT WORMS

Danny went to the special foot doctor to check out his feet,

His feet were getting real skinny, although he'd often overeat,

Seems Danny had worms that ate fat,

Would be great, but where they're at,

Doc moved the worms to Danny's belly hoping for a repeat.

LATE DETENTION AND THE FLYING LEAP

My bus was late to Jefferson Junior High,

My teacher didn't care; he didn't even ask why?

He said he'd improve my rule retention,

With a month of late detention,

I told him he should go leap like a fly.

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DADDY SOLD MEDICAL SUPPLIES IV

We were so hungry, having absolutely no meat,

Daddy went looking for organs, to sell, or to eat,

Poor daddy worked on some guy,

When a police car passed by,

Now at the dinner table, is daddy's empty seat.

PICKLED EGGS AND SAUSAGES

I had pickled eggs and juicy pickled red hots,

I handle them just fine, but my dad gets the trots,

To put dad at ease,

I fed him some cheese,

That bound and gassed up his belly, now he farts lots.

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I WENT TO THE MARKET AND BOUGHT ME SOME TROUT

I went to the market and bought me some trout,
I didn't cook it enough and had a belly-ache bout,
I will never, ever eat fish,
Even, as a side dish,
But, I will eat a pig's feet, ears and, snout. 

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BIGGEST MUSHROOM FROM WEAR

Gary found a giant brown mushroom, sitting in a winged chair,

Gary figured the mushroom spore came from someone's underwear,

Gary loved mushrooms and rice,

He thought about it, and passed twice,

Gary took the mushroom, and won 1st prize at the county fair.

OLD JEFFREY IN THE MORNING

Jeff had two turkey sausages along with his tea,

He would of had eggs, but they disagree with Jeffrey,

Jeff did drink orange juice,

To keep his bowels loose,

OJ also gives old Jeffrey his vitamin C.

MISTY MAYLOX CLUBED AND DANCED

Misty Maylox made herself look very pretty,

She was going clubbing in the downtown city,

After drinking champagne and wine,

Misty danced really fine,

She staggered home singing a drinking late ditty. 

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QUIGLEY'S FAMILY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE

Quigley's family came from outer space,
They lacked human components like feet and face,
But, the world was fooled,
For the kids were home schooled,
While, the Quigleys dined on the human race.

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FRIENDSHIP IS SKIN DEEP

I had a friend come over and they were very rich,

They still left bugs on my sofa and I caught their itch,

I sprayed the sofa down twice, 

Once for microbes, once for lice,

A friend that makes me itchy is a friend  I will ditch.

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TANK THE CAPTAIN

There once was a ship captain named Tank,

Every ship he commanded he sank,

He ruined his career,

Because he could learn to steer,

Now he sails without any rank rank.

THE PARTY PIG AND THE PIE

Jon took his two favorite fingers, and stuck them deep in the pie,

Someone caught him committing the crime, with their big green watery eye,

Jon dripped cherry filling on his clothes

Then someone popped him in the nose,

They said he was a disgusting pig, and he'd better go bye, bye.

A SQUARE MEAL FOR A FLY

I made a bread sandwich, included tomatoes and cheese,

I made a fruity desert, included honey from bees,

I made a coffee to drink,

Drank antacid that was pink,

I then left for the big airport for my flight overseas.

WORK A LOT, SLEEP A LOT

I washed my dishes, my laundry, my car, ta-da,

I polished the silver and wiped off the bar, rah-rah,

But, work is a trap,

Leads to an afternoon nap,

I awoke to see the big Northern Star, wah-wah.

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STICKER TICKER SHOCK

I went to buy meat and was shocked by the sticker,
The price was so high that it shut down my ticker,
When revived, I went to the bar,
And received one more jar,
At the price I was charged for my liquor.

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TRIPPING BOARD ON MARS

I snuck onboard a counting down spaceship, that was heading into space,

I didn't know where I was going, but I knew it was a better place,

The spaceship took me up to Mars,

Where there's no pop or candy bars,

The only thing there is to do on Mars, is walk back and forth, and pace.

KOKOMO JOE

There was something in my closet staring,

A shiny jacket the thing was wearing,

It was my brother Joe,

Lives down in Kokomo,

It seems brother Joe had lost his bearing. 

LAST NIGHT MY POT CRACKED-Haiku

Last night my pot cracked,
Kiln too hot, clay unworked, oops,
Good gift for grandma.

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KITE ON A WIRE

I went outside to fly my brand new red kite,

It kept crashing, because it was so darn light,

I flew it on a wire,

Lightning struck, it taught fire,

My tennis shoes melted, and now they're too tight.

PROPERTY TAXES ARE DUE

My property taxes are awfully darn high,

I think I'll be moving way up into the sky,

Get a copter I could repair,

Then I'll hover up in the air,

If they send me a tax bill, I'm asking them "why"?

THE SHARK AND I REMEMBERED

When I fell off the majestic Mackinac bridge,

I slammed into the cold water, and it was fridge,

The water broke, hark!

It was a bull shark,

I remembered my family photo with ex-wife Midge.

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I SAW A NO.HAIR BEAR

When I was little, I saw a bear,

He was full of stuffing and had no hair,

He slept with me in bed,

Up by my baby head,

So all the wild monsters, he would scare.

STUPID LIMERICKS, APRIL FOOL'S

There once was a fool named April May,

A first cousin to Monday Tuesday,

They would together ice skate,

Until they each found a mate,

Two bothers called Wednesday and Thursday.

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THE PEEP CREEPS ARE COMING

The thing about the marshmallow peeps,

When I'm shopping them, I shop for keeps,

The day that comes after Sunday,

Is the day they call Monday,

When they mark down the peeps for us creeps.

EATING OUT CHEAP

I went to a real cheap restaurant, and it was all you could eat,

You had to wash your own dishes, and wipe down your table and seat,

They served macaroni and rice,

Very stale white bread, a thin slice,

They had a white sausage gravy, but it smelled like my sister's feet.

MY CHEESE EATING BUNNY

I have a cute bunny rabbit that only eats real cheddar cheese,

The bun barges into the fridge and takes it, never saying please,

I am a total mute,

Because bunny is cute,

I will never criticise bunny, because bunny is the bees knees.

EASTER BUNNY RABBIT FRAUD

The Easter Bunny was nasty, and left me just plastic eggs,

Those hard, plastic knock-offs, were never between a chickens legs,

The candy left in the eggs seemed real mean,

Leftover candy corn from Halloween?

What did  Bun do with the Easter funds, that's what the question begs?

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DON'T EAT THE PRETTY THINGS

As I walked to the store, I picked a pretty flower,

I chewed it in my mouth, and it tasted very sour,

Someone said, "should have left it be,

You just tasted new doggy pee",

I hurried home and rinsed my mouth out for an hour.

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THE STAR FROM THE STICKS

Benny went to Livonia to star in some flicks,

Romantic comedies, but they only had hicks,

His backwoods simple ways,

Along with stupid gaze,

Made Benny a superstar; a star from the sticks.

I WAS A CESSPOOL DIVER; NOT AN OLYMPIC SPORT

I went diving in a nasty cesspool, desperate to come clean,

It made my face all pucker up, so I used mamas Maybelline,

The cess got in my beautiful hair,

That's why my hair is no longer there,

I'll not enter a cesspool again, except in a submarine.

I EATS CANDY WHILE I CAN

The bunny brings lots of candy in his basket, that rots teeth,

That's why you will never see a smile, from my uncle Keith,

I really do not care,

Cavities I will dare,

I will eat my candy before the dirt, I am underneath.

THE WILL OF THE MOUSE

The mouse was stuck on the old glue trap,

He squeaked and squeaked and said, "Drat, Drat,"

But, his will kept him yanking,

And, his little feet cranking,

He freed himself, but was ate by the cat.

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DADDY SELLS MEDICAL SUPPLIES III (NON ORGAN DONOR MARKET)

Daddy goes out on the street, very late at night,

Looking for used body parts, when supplies are tight,

When old organs fail,

Daddy finds some for sale,

Guaranteed to fit the wealthy client, just right.

A CANDY BASKET FIT FOR KINGS AND QUEENS

I got a basket full of chocolate eggs, marshmallow peeps and jelly beans,

I've never seen so much candy, it was like a basket for kings and queens,

It came from a nice bunny,

I think his name was Sonny,

He was wearing big bib overhauls, because he was way too fat for jeans.

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WHEN I WAS A DRIVER'S TRAINEE

I was a driver's trainee,

When it was pour down rainy,

I hit the brake,

Slid, hit the lake,

After going through the fence called chainy.

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THE BUG SLURPER

Leonardo the squirrel, ate bugs, never nuts,

Leo didn't like the chewing, he'd rather slurp guts,

And the tastiest slurps,

Came from bugs that had chirps,

Leo avoided bugs that had bad smelling butts.

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RANDY HAD BRANDY

There once was a sweet rabbit named Randy,

He delivered baskets full of candy,

Randy hopped into a lion,

Randy took off home, just flyin',

That night he had a nightcap of Brandy.

MUDPUPPY AND THE BASS

There was a mudpuppy that got stuck in the mud,

She struggled real hard, but was stuck deep in the crud,

A hero did pass,

It was a rock bass,

The bass freed the pup and they ate worms and a sud.

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RON THE MASTODON

With my bestest friends, Bill and Dave,

We went exploring in a cave,

We found a Mastodon,

We named him Ron,

He was bones, it was his grave.

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IDES ARE BORING, I'M MOVING TO GRAWN

The Ides of March have come and gone,

Old Caesar's curse has been a yawn,

Maybe next year,

The earth won't be here,

Or, maybe I'll retire to Grawn.

THE RABBIT AND THE BEAR

The rabbit with the candy basket, was being chased by the bear,

The poor rabbit had candy falling from the basket, everywhere,

The bear was gaining fast,

The rabbit would not last,

The bear would get the candy, and the meat under the rabbit hair.

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FROM EASTER BUNNIES TO BEES

There were two little white bunnies, and they each ate too much tasty cheese,

They could not go to the bathroom, and felt a real general unease,

To make their bowels quicken,

They ate some tainted chicken,

Their bodies I used to feed my flowers, and the flowers feed the bees.

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THE HAPPY EASTER BUNNIES

Bunnies were doing their business, right outside my screen door,

One thing that's true about bunnies, they are always making more,

The bunnies and me,

Let each other be,

Except the ones that are roadkill, become my main winter store.

MY SPACE/TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN LIMERICK

My time/space machine just broke right down,
I spilled my beer and the darn thing shorted queen's royal crown,
It will  just not start,
It won’t blink or spit a fart,
I guess I’m stuck in this miserable earthling smelling town.

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PETER THE PASTA POET

Peter was a rare pasta poet,
He rhymed linguini and did not know it,
He once rhymed spaghetti,
With a monster called Yeti,
But, with an audience he would blow it.

Write poetry about pasta and have it rhyme,
Peter tried but he failed almost every time,
He rearranged his words,
Messed up his verbs,

Pasta poetry didn't make him a dime.  

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BIG FISH ON A SPINNER RIG

I caught a fish that was so big,

On a nightcrawler-spinner rig,

"It was the biggest fish ever," cried every voter,

That's why I cleaned it using my boat motor,

So, the big fish I caught with a spinner,

Was so big I invited all to a dinner,

At the end of the meal there was left just the head,

And, those that were there were contented and fed,

Of course I would have gone out to catch more fish with my rig,

But, I had run out of nightcrawlers and was too tired to dig,

So, I had to wait for the crawlers to come up in the rain,

Alas, we were in a dry spell with no rain on the plain.   

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MY ROOMMATE IS A PIG POEM

My roommate lives on the dole,
He never sweeps the floor,
He never cleans the toilet bowl,
Or, flushes anymore,

My roommate lives just day to day,
He never has a job,
The rent he'll never help to pay,
He is just a big fat slob,

My roommate is just not all there,
He'll never get a gig,
What people think he does not care,
My roommate is a pig,

Don't find roommates on the Internet,
You'll be real sorry if you do,
Online roommates will make you upset,
The day they move in you will rue.

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THE HENRY TRIED WRINKLE CREAM POEM AND HAIKU

POEM
Henry tried some wrinkle cream,
Upon the button on his belly,
It made his button really red,
Like a lump of raspberry jelly,

Poor Henry, his button is still all wrinkled,
And, the cream had burned him soar,
Now, his face is drawn and crinkled,
Because, the pain he could bear, no more.

HAIKU
Vain Henry, wrinkled,
Belly Button, wrinkle cream,
Ouch, burns, still wrinkled.

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BILLY AND THE B

Billy was out swinging beneath an old tree,

He swung so high he got stung by a bad bee,

He gave a bee nest a tap,

The nest fell on Billy's lap,

He's in ICU; I can't get in to see.

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