MR. PURSE DRIVES A HEARSE

There was an old fella named Mr. Purse,
He worked every Tuesday driving a hearse,
He ran clear off the road,
Out the back went his load,
Seems old Purse had hit the reverse.

Mr. Purse drove a hearse for the dead,
From the parlor to the graveyard he tread,
He drove really bad,
Many accidents he had,
"It's good you only die once", people said.

MY PSYCHIC TELLS ME

My psychic told me not to eat out tonight,
She said if I did I’d go blind; lose my sight,
So, I made dinner at my house,
Ate some tainted pheasant and grouse,
I had my stomach pumped, and I’m still not alright.

MY PSYCHIC TELLS ME

Because I have been a very bad boy,

My psychic predicts, no afterlife joy,

Mildew, fungi and molds,

My afterlife unfolds,

Just like how they found uncle Roy.

BEES IN THE BUNKER FREEZE BRAINS

I was down in the bunker, and was attacked by three bees,

One flew in my ear, the others attacked my weak knees,

I fell to the floor, 

And what is worse, more,

The bee bite in my ear gave me a brain freeze.

LEON THE TOAD GOT EVEN

Leon the toad, got bit by a big tick,

That made Leon the toad, incredibly sick,

The internet thought funny,

When Leon became runny,

So, Leon bought the internet, and made it die quick.

SPEEDY

It was often, almost never said,

That anyone worked as slow as our Fred,

He worked so slow,

Didn't start or go,

But he'd smile, when he drank and got fed.

I LOVED MY BIRDIE

I loved my birdie, more than I loved my mommy named Flo, 

Mommy left his cage door open, and out birdie did go,

He flew fast and away,

Where he went, I can't say,

I was so.mad at mommy, I told my daddy named Beau. 

A HARD, HARD GUMMY, IS NOT A GOOD YUMMY

It was partly in the local news,

That batch of gummies, no good for chews,

Gummies hard as steel,

Not tender like veal,

Why so hard? No one has clues.

THE SAD, BILLIONAIRE TOAD

Leon's rockets would almost always explode,

Because he didn't understand physics and weight load,

Many laughed and saw funny,

But Leon's eyeballs got runny,

People were mean to the billionaire toad.

MY PEACOCK CAME FROM MARS II

My pet peacock believes that he comes from Mars,
I think he spends too much time in bars,
He staggers home late at night,
Unable to gain flight,
Somehow, he isn’t hit by any cars. 

MY BAD ROOMMATES

I used to have some really decent digs,
Then, my roommates moved in and they were pigs,
The bathroom was obscene,
Yet, they still were unclean,
And, from my gin bottle they took constant swigs.

THE 200 VLOGGERS

200 vloggers went to the video store,

They bought video cameras, that kind of stuff and more,

Then, they all went to dine,

And, drank fancy, fruity wine,

Next, the 200 vloggers, for viewers, went to war.

SUNTAN WITH A CRAYON

No matter what poor Karen couldn't tan,
So, she tried drawing one on with a crayon,
She couldn't get the right hue,
So, she just crayoned herself blue,
Now, she matches the color of her minivan.

THE WHERE DO TUNA FISH COME FROM LIMERICK

There was a small sunfish named Ray,
He lived way out in the great bay,
He fell in love with a blue whale,
Named Darlene Abigail,
And that's where tuna fish come from, they say.

MY CANTANKEROUS BAT

I have a cantankerous bat,
He thinks he's special but, he just ain't all that,
He gave me a chronic case of scabies,
With an acute case of rabies,
And, he pees on my good stocking hat.

JAMIE IS A BAD RED SQUIRREL

Jamie was a red squirrel, who had a mind of cut-throat reason,

Jamie's mind decided that with the fox he'd commit some treason,

So for a nut total of just eight,

Jamie opened the squirrel gate,

The fox got enough squirrel meat to last him the winter season.

BOB'S POOR CAREER CHOICE

Bob works as a cardboard box bailer,

They bail the boxes from parks called trailer,

Bob bores, bailing box after box,

Worse than caffeine detox,

Wished he'd had the frank to become a mercantile sailor.

I VISITED MY NEIGHBORS DOWNSTAIRS

There was a clog in my kitchen sink drain,
While under my sink the pipes leaked stinky rain,
Then, my floorboards got soft,
And, I plunged down from my loft,
To visit neighbors who asked me to explain.

DULLES SMARTS ALONE

Dulles had an IQ over 180,

He could never find a best matey,

Humans would kiss and squirm,

Like a non-tactical worm,

Like the ones Dulles used for fish-baitey.

U ARE WHAT U EAT

I eat so many chippers and kippers,

I'm growing roots and a nice set of flippers,

Chips and kips is all I eat,

Never touch red/white meat,

Or beans that give folks smelly rippers.  

WHEN THE OCEANS BOILED AWAY LIMERICK

The oceans all boiled away,

Where they went no one can say,

A world that's hotter, 

Without any water,

Is a place I'm not going to stay.

BARRY WAS SO SKINNY THAT HE LOVED THE EXTREME HEAT

Barry was really young and very skinny,

So to him, the extreme heat was a winny,

His parents would whine,

But, Barry felt extra fine,

Until, while swimming a shark bit off his finny.

I JUST WANTED TO UNLOAD MY FISH CATCH AT THE QUAY

I wanted to unload my fish catch up at the quay,
But the harbor master said I should stay far away,
He said my fish were stinking up the town,
My boat should be sunk down,
And that’s where my fish catch should stay.

THE BALLAD OF RICHIE AVOID

With Richie, I am quite annoyed,

For where I locate, he will avoid,

He has someone brand new,

So I'm sad, boohoo blue,

When crossing paths, he treats me like a roid.

ADULT BEANS, OR SUBMARINES

I was growing some big people's beans,

They grow four inches long, off their greens,

They are hard as oak wood,

If you can chew them, they're good,

If you can't, use them for toy submarines.

BOB PLAYED WITH SKUNKS, A CAUTIONARY TALE

Bob went to Newberry to see his cousin's skunk babies,

They were cute little stinkers, but they gave Bob the scabies,

Mange in his underwear,

And, a cute skunk called Pierre,

Bit Bob on the bum;  Bob needed shots for the rabies. 

LEON MADE A BAD CHOICE FOR HIS SNACK

Leon the toad was hanging out with his guys,

They were eating crawling bugs and small flying flies,

Leon sucked down a bee,

The bee attacked internally,

Leon needed surgery after his bee popper surprise.

PAINTING MISHY-MASH

I painted my black and white cat,
He was playing with a squeaky-toy rat,
I sold the painting for big cash,
So, I'm painting more mishy-mash,
I'm living off those with a  wallet that's fat.

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ICHY, STICKY, YICKY FLOOR

I decided to sweep the floor,

It had never been done before,

But, the floor was so sticky,

My broom got all ichy,

So, I ruged the place from door to door.  

TOAD GOES DIVING, AFTER THE NIGHTCLUB

The bouncer wouldn't let the toad into the club,

The all dressed up toad, felt deep hurt from the snub,

Toad got into his car,

Drove down to the dive bar,

Toad was treated with care, even got a foot rub.

THE INFESTED

My refrigerator is infested with the bug called, the flea,

When I open the refridge door, they jump out all over me,

Now I itch and scratch, scratch,

Still, more fleas on me hatch, hatch,

And, I'm coughing up some worms; won't Mother Nature leave me be.

WHY ZOMBIES CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

Zombies complain that they don't have nice stuff

Of course, Zombies tend to live in the ruff,

They have no schooling,

Always leaking and drooling,

They stagger and crash, acting real tough.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH A WEREWOLF, IT'S COMPLICATED

Werewolves are never any fun,

They just eat you, and leave you, they're done,

For a true love, a friend,

Wouldn't consume you in the end,

Then off to another they run.

I HAPPIED UP MY HONEY WHEN I SOLD MY ART OF AWE

I made a tapestry of flowers laying on some straw,

Everyone who saw it, had a gaping jaw of awe, 

I sold the tapestry for money,

I shared the proceeds with my honey,

My honey bought a big pet bird that went, "caw caw, caw, caw, caw".

TP AND HARD TIMES

I confiscated the contraband I found in my yard,

It was 2 years worth of wet toilet paper I didn't discard,

I dried it out with gas heat,

And, I saved every sheet,

I try to find any savings, times are hard.

TOOKEY TELLS ALL

There once was a mouse named Tookey,

She stole while no one would lookey,

She once stole a hair dryer,

And, an outdoor turkey fryer,

She retired to write a mouse self-help bookey.

BOBBY UNINVITRD

The bears threw a New Year's party, but Bob was not invited,

Last time he got stinking drunk, and the toilet, he blighted,

After those puke filled nights,

Donny got no invites,

A bar in Big Rapids is where Bobby was last sighted.

THE ARTIST WITH MOOD

Hannibal came from Hamtramck,
His paintings are moody, dynamic,
He's been spray painting clowns,
All angry with frowns,
He stopped taking his meds now he's manic.

ZOMBIES LIKE A NICE DINNER

I went to a restaurant to eat bacon and eggs,

They said the only protein they served, walked on two legs,

It was a zombie cuisine,

Special was brains wrapped with spleen,

And a shot of blood vodka was served free to the regs.

THE TWO WORD LANGUAGE

I don't speak good German, and my French is even worse,

When I try speaking Latin, I get called disgusting and perverse,  

But the language I speak good,

Is my local neighborhood,

There we speak just two words, that are a universal curse.  

Tooth Truth

For teeth, there was once was a tube of paste,

It was never touched, and went to waste,

Soon no one had teeth,

They just gumed on their beef, 

It seems not flushing and brushing was decided in haste.

NUBINS FROM SPACE

There are little cuties called "Nubins", who fell out of the sky,

Interplanetary invaders, who make you laugh till you die,

They're always passing gas, from low places,

Brimming big, smiley faces,

Then suddenly, you feel really high.

ELI CONDUCTS THE BAND LIMERICK

Eli tried to conduct the band,
He couldn’t read music and soon got canned,
So he took a music course,
Learned the power of the force,
During his ovations, the audience will stand.

DOCTOR

My doctor said, doctors once cured people by making them bleed,

I replied that modern doctors make people bleed, because of greed,

My doctor didn't look happy,

And he gave me a face slappy,

Then he billed me for the slap; said that therapy, I need.

THE RED POP SNORE

My legs are real sore,

Circulation is poor,

I drink just red pop,

For health reasons should stop,

Because at night the red pop makes me snore.

SHARE BUNS WITH YOUR FRIENDS, OR YOU WON'T HAVE ANY

He set his bun upon his left knee,

Upon his right, he set his tea,

From his left jacket pocket, he pulled some ham,

From his right pocket, he pulled a spoon, jar and jam,

He made a jam, ham, bun sandwich, he didn't share with me,

Last time I invite that guy over for tea.

I FOUND A BLUE PLANET IN GALAXY NINE

I found a blue planet in Galaxy Nine,
But, my landing on it, I had to decline,
The planet was surrounded by roids,
With few in-between voids,
And my navigation was influenced by wine.

LOST HEAD WHILE PICKING MARY'S CHERRIES

I went out to pick the fruit of cherry,

When I crossed paths with Bloody Mary,

She had an ax,

Took a head tax,

My headless bod, she bothered not to bury.

THREE LITTLE GRAY MICE LIMERICK

There once were three little gray mice,
They tunneled deep beneath the ice,
They ran into a red fox,
Who liked mice with his lox,
He served them in a side dish with rice.

MY TOAD WILLIE DID NOT MAKE CHILI

I found a huge frozen toad on the street,

I thought I'd finally have something to eat,

I named my frozen toad Willie,

Went to stew him in chili,

He hopped off before I could move my feet.

MOON LOVER

Everyone is desperate to move to the moon,

But there's no air to breath; no place to spoon,

It's hard to get water,

To drink and flush potter,

And moon cottage pottage, won't smell like perfume.

DON'T DRINK THE WATER ON MARS

Dan went to visit the pyramids of mars on vacation,

It was a hot dry place, that alien nation,

As the day got even hotter,

Dan just had to drink the water,

Whoops, there were only pay toilets at the space station.

 

POINTY FINGERS MISSED TEDDY BEAR

Pointy Fingers shoved his finger way up inside his nose,

Then he started bleeding from his nose, upon his cloths,

Pointy Fingers really did not care,

He just wanted to go home to Teddy Bear,

But mommy washed his face with the cold water from the hose.

THE BADGER AND THE WOLVERINE DID NOT PLAY SO WELL

The badger and the wolverine did not play very well,

I had to scold them both, and make them lie down for a spell,

But, why should my scolds be of care?

Well,  I'm a great big polar bear,

And, I can clean anybody's clock or ring-a-ding their bell.

MY FISH HAS A COATING

I like catching my fish dinner on my boat,

But, to clean the fish I need be remote,

So, instead of eating fish from my boating,

I buy cleaned fish with a coating,  

And, fry my fish in hot grease till they float.

GERBIL JONES AND DRONES

I have a little pet, named Gerbil Jones,

I let him chew on all the chicken bones,

When he turned five and twenty,

I figured I fed him plenty,

Now he delivers packages, by flying delivery drones.

PRAWNS

I love to eat tasty, butter fried prawns,

I eat a big plate when the sun makes new dawns,

It's my breakfast meal,

With fish smelly appeal,

I chew them as I window watch, doe deer with their fawns.

MY NAME IS DISMAL THE CLOWN

My fortunes were dismally down,

So I went to see the royal crown,

Because I protested,

I was arrested,

And sentenced to dress as a clown.

CAN I FRY FISH?

On my fishing trip I forgot my frying pan,

So, off to the store I quickly ran,

But, at the nearby store called Corn Cobs,

They had only sticks for kabobs,

So, I fried my fish in an old coffee can.

BEN WENT OUT HUNTING DEER

Ben went out hunting for deer,

He just had a sharp stick for a spear,

Ben found a ten point buck,

But Ben had no luck,

His spear failed, and he got pierced in his ear.