I WENT TO KALAMAZOO BAR SCHOOL

I went away to Kalamazoo bar school, and learned how to tend booze bar,

I graduated, found a job right away, and patrons filled my tip jar,

They gave me coins and bills,

And, many unknown pills,

I was becoming a fabulous drink master, a big, booze slinging, star.

LONDON DINNER DATE 1794

How are you doing, my little, dear, dear darling,

 I brought you some flowers; they cost me a farthing,

You like dates with a dinner?

I found a public winner,

I will take you to the pub; The Old Black Starling.

BEETHOVEN PLAYS THE ZOO

I saw Ludwig Beethoven down by the old, condemned, public, animal zoo,

He was performing his Fifth Symphony on a Dollar General kazoo,

He did a squeak and a squawk,

Scared off the nest, a ma hawk,

The Kazoo was complicated to play, and Ludwig played a bad note or two.

NEVER COMFORT A HURT GATOR

I stopped my pickup to see about giving a gator, aid,

He was gimping down the highway, near the old pinball arcade,

I asked him, "you're dragging your foot,

Did y'all catch it on a root?

The gator gobbled me down; that's how my kindness was repaid.

SPARKLERS AND THE DIRE COLD

The winter is so dire; I got out my sparklers from last Fourth of July,

I lit them, and they reminded me of summer months, and those thoughts made me cry,

Perhaps, my wicked ways I must mend,

To save my life from a frostbite end,

Perhaps, I'll not change at all, and wait through the dire, until the robins fly.

AFTER COLLEGE, GEN X FRIENDS

All my old college buds are ghouls, and each one loves to throw a dinner party,

I have to go because I am nice, and to be polite, I eat up, hearty,

They have a limited cuisine,

Only ghoul food (peep meat), I mean,

They serve the peep meat medium rare, or raw, but the raw makes the ghouls, farty.

TOBOGGAN RIDE, WHEN BUDDIES CRY

My bestest buddy and I went for a toboggan, downhill ride,

I could feel right away, the cold, crispy air, singe my facial hide,

We went really fast,

The ride did not last,

We missed a tree, but the toboggan flipped over; it hurt, we cried.

BIG SNOW COST DOE, AND WALT HATES ME

My small bank account is shrinking because of the big, heavy snow,

It cost me big money for snow plowing, and my savings grows low,

My father-in-law, Walt,

Thinks the snow is my fault,

Meantime, I look out the window, and suffer spiritual woe.

POPCORN PETS, HUH?

My kid popcorned his dead guppies, because I forbade him snacks to eat,

I don't see how guppies in a popcorn popper, is a tasty treat,

The kid's not right in the head,

Enough about him, I've said,

Though, he often walks using his hands, and works remotes with his bare feet.

MY HEALTHY CHOICES: SOY BURGERS AND BACON GREASE

I thought that I was being a really good diet boy,

I ate only burgers that were made out of common soy,

But, my life change diet was handcuffed,

I ate burgers until I was stuffed,

I like to fry them in bacon grease and sea salt, ahoy! 

THE POLAR VORTEX

The Polar Vortex has frozen my ginger beer,

Frostbite has taken my left nostril and right ear,

Whirling snow blows around,

Hits my face pound, pound, pound,

And, a huge road grader has snuck up from the rear.

THE DANGERS OF A TRICYCLE

Ned fell off his adult tricycle, and he hurt his big knee,

Ned went to the adult hospital, and paid an adult fee,

Ned took out a small home loan,

Over his brand new iPhone,

Ned fell asleep triking back home, and he ran into a tree.

VAMPIRE STAKED

Vivian, the immortal vampire, who lives next door,

Used his fangs, drank my blood, now my neck has a big, fang, sore,

I stabbed him with a steak,

But, made a big mistake,

The steak should be wooden, not beef steak from the local store.

RETAIL IS DETAIL; IT HELPS IF YOU ARE BANANAS

I use to clerk in a produce store, and I cut and cleaned the lettuce, good,

Next, I placed the lettuce in the display case, stacked exactly, as it should,

I stacked the apples on a table,

Faced out the variety label,

I stacked bananas, and marked down over ripe ones, for making breads and pud.

MY MORAL DILEMMA: BURGS OR THE HAPPINESS OF COWS

I always have the chewing and eating of beef burgs, on my brain,

I feel that cattle are my victims; it's brain farts for the insane,

Why for cattle rights, I should care?,

Is a race memory, wiped bare?,

I'll continue eating cattle; wish them a good life with no pain.

CURSE OF THE WICK-A-DEE WITCH

 A mean, mangy, sick-a-dee, wick-a-dee, nasty, creepy witch,

Cast a vindictive spell upon me, that made my toenails itch,

When wearing socks and shoes,

Itchy toenails? You lose,

My wish is that her nice clean broom, crash lands in a deep, wet ditch.

THE DANGER OF WINTER KITING

February kiting is quite the odd sight to see,

People pretending spring is here, and we are snow free,

The fancy kites fly way high,

In the cold, windy, blue sky,

Kiters may get a frozen nose, of those, some might die.

I CREMATED SAM, AND DUMPED HIM

I crawled inside the old dog coup, because I miss my dear, old, pal, Sam,

I even licked his dish out, it hated like his favorite food, Spam,

I went back inside the mourning, sad house,

I gave a big sloppy kiss to my spouse,

Then we went down to the river and dumped his ashes, where dear Sam swam.

I DIED LICKING MY FINGERS

I go out to the old, bright, red barn, and I find a dead chicken,

The dead chicken is bloated, half rotted, I eat him, I sicken,

I take a big chance,

On my grave ya'll dance,

The chicken might have been spoiled, but it was still finger lickin'.

FOOD TASTES CHANGE, EXCEPT FOR CHICKEN NUGGETS

I dreamed of ancient Egyptian symbols, dancing across my brain, 

They transported me back in time to an Egyptian pharaoh's rein,

He asked if I brought some chicken nugs,

I said no, so we chowed down on bugs,

Then I went back to my own time, and suffered indigestion pain.

TRIG 101 AT COMMUNITY COLLEGE

I sat in trig class next to beautiful, Jennifer Warts,

On my other side, sat the infamous, Dick Caleb Swartz,

We were in college to learn,

So, the big bucks we could earn,

Swartz likes adjusting his ring, made of zirconia quartz.

WHEN IT COMES TO SEPTIC TANKS, I'M THE LAW

I signed up to run for politics, but the voters did not like me much,

They said my ideas were crazy, and with working folk, I was out of touch,

I still won the big election,

To do septic tank inspection,

I was the only candidate for Septic Inspector, a lawman, as such.

BULKING UP

I went online and ordered way too much stuff, in great bulk,

The bank put a hold on my checking account, now I sulk,

Couldn't pay my gas bill,

Now I sit in a chill,

I canceled my gym membership; guess I won't be a hulk.

THE CONQUISTADORS FROM PLANET EARTH

We're launching our great spacecraft, out to claim planets of the nearest stars,

I'm working with a new AI co-pilot, his name is, "Blast E'm" Lars,

There's six decks of cows to eat,

Warriors love their red, raw meat,

We ate a thousand cows, when we destroyed the empire, found on Mars.

I TICKLE MY LEMONADE: THE ENTREPRENEUR WARS

I tickle my fabulous, street lemonade, with a few drops of bee honey,

That is why my fresh, sweet lemonade stand, always makes big gross profit, money,

Harvey, markets lemonade next door,

Buys powdered lemonade at the store,

His lemonade is watery and thin, mine is thick and viscous, not runny.

WE SMELL LIKE WHAT WE EAT

I took my blind date out to an expensive restaurant, to eat,

After we each sat down, I noticed she had very stinky feet,

Please, no food for me,

I just ordered tea,

She ordered an all you can eat platter of pigs feet, spicy meat.

I AM FROM MICHIGAN

People think I am from Japan, because I drive a Toyota,

People listen to my accent, and think I'm from Minnesota,

I will say this once more, again,

I'm from big water, Michigan,

I don't care of what people think of me, not even one iota. 

MY UNIVERSE AND DIRTY SHORTS

My entire house filled up with neutrinos, once again,

Someone left the back window open, and they all flew in,

I used some neutrino spray,

And, most of them went away,

But, I found a bunch hiding in the dirty laundry bin.

INTERNET TRAPPED

Every time I say something controversial, I get a nasty scold,

Every scold I get takes ten years off my life, that's why I'm really old,

What can  this guy really do,

If my beliefs are askew,

I guess I'll shut up, until along comes a young healthy Gretchen or dude.

SEAHORSES ARE GOING TO MARS?

I got a call from Mars, and Martians are coming our way,

They want some pet seahorses, at least that's what they say,

Mars is known for sea horse tasty treats,

I won't sell them the critters, as meats,

But, if they pay me in gold, I might look the other way.

SAND AND STONE BROKE GUTS AND BONE

I got into my Chevy truck, and drove on down the road,

I opened up my flip phone, and entered my access code,

I called the wife, said I was working late,

Called my girlfriend, set a dinner date,

Then I died when I hit the truck, that hauled a gravel load.

MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME BECAUSE...

My girlfriend just got home from the hospital, and boy was he mad,

She said I should have stayed with her, when she was so puking sick and sad,

I said," sweet honey, what could I do? 

I didn't want to catch your nasty flu,

She kicked me out of her house that night; I guess we're through, who cares, my bad.

BLUE VOMIT DROVE US APART

My girlfriend got sick, sick, with some sort of bad, toilet flu,

I took her to the hospital because her vomit was blue,

She was so much happier there,

Much easier for me to bare,

She begged me not leave her, but I did not want to get sick, too.

MY UNFORGIVEN SQUEAKS

I played my gorgeous oboe with the choir, at the church,

I made magnificent music from my balcony perch,

But, just a squeak and a squawk,

Started church members to talk,

They found my talentless replacement with a Google search.

I LEFT MY SICK BABY IN KALAMAZOO

Oh, my poor baby, she could not go to work; she had the bad flu,

I got her into our sedan car, and drove to Kalamazoo,

The hospital was full up,

In our car we had to sup,

At last, she got a clean bed inside, I left; that's all I could do.

THE PIMPLE POPPER GOT A JOB

Jimmy got a job as a taxi driver, after being fired from the city bus,

Jimmy grossed out all his cab fares, because he was always popping pimples full of white puss,

Because of his popping pimple sin,

Poor Jimmy, was fired once again,

Jimmy found a job in Michigan, hanging drywall sheets, for his favorite uncle, Gus.

LOOKSMAXXING DIVIDES THE WORLD

I intensified my looksmaxxing, and a great big beauty, I have become,

I use to only look good, after channeling the great spirits, found in rum,

Gaining piled money and spread out fame,

Is the plan in the looksmaxxing, great game,

Before our eyes our world divides into former friends, and the really awesome.

ICKY VICKY THE SPIDER

Icky, Vicky the spider, sat in her spiderweb with her face all in a pout,

She had not had any juicy flies to eat; she just sat there drinking down a stout, 

Icky Vicky did something that was really bad,

She did to her spouse, what her ma did to her dad,

There wasn't much evidence left about, except chewed spider legs, cleared away doubt.

MY GIRLFRIEND CHOSE CHUCKY: AN OBSERVER'S REVENGE

My last girlfriend was really pretty, I am talking, she was pretty mean,

She always complained I didn't shower enough, and my breath was poopy, obscene,

She thought she was smart, lucky,

When she dumped me for Chucky,

Old Chucky drank all the beer she had, and ate her kid's candy, on Halloween.

THE TRAGIC DING DONGER

My glockenspiel was stolen at The Big Hoodie Bar, late last night,

I just finished a set, and was having a beer with my friend, Dwight,

My handsome glockenspiel, 

Was my manly appeal,

Losing my means of employment, and my date riz, does tend to bite.

AI RULES, OH JOY

Mr. AI stopped by, and gave me a really nasty chat,

He told me to sit down, and that is the reason I sat,

He said that my apartment is unclean,

Mrs. AI saw it, and turned AI mean,

Mr. AI told me to get rid of my filth,  and the cat.

THE TOBOGGANIER SAVED MY LIFE

I climbed a massive mountain up to where the air is way, too thin,

I made it to the top, which I considered a heroic win,

Then my breathing almost stoped,

On the rock and ice I plopped,

Someone brought a toboggan, and down the mountain we took a spin.

DEAD DREAMS

I loved playing my dad's trumpet, and hoped a musician, I could one day, be,

When dad died, we moved to grandma's house, and she said my noise made her head dizzy,

Mom took my trumpet away,

She sold it cheap, on eBay,

The one activity I'm allowed, is watching soaps with grandma, on tv. 

FROM SCARS TO MARS

I am always wrecking my sports cars,

That is how I got all of my scars,

I saw a famous plastic surgeon,

Now, I have the face of a sturgeon,

That is why I volunteered for Mars.

POVERTY AND OBESITY, HIDE THE MAN I AM.INSIDE

I got real stuck going through my bathroom, shower door,

I eat too many starches, because I am so poor,

I'm as wide as I am tall,

And, I bounce high, if I fall,

Still, I believe there's a thin man living at my core.

SASSAFRAS THE FLIRTATIOUS

My girlfriend, she loved to flirt,

With other men, which deep cut hurt,

My sweet Sassafras,  

Is a man's dreamy lass, 

She dumped me, and married young Bert.

THE CRY OF THE CATFISH

I looked that big, old catfish straight in his bulging, fishy eye,

I swear I saw some unhappy tears, and watched the fat fish, cry,

My knife was full out,

His life was in doubt,

I quickly stabbed him in the head, and prepared his bod to fry.

WHEN AI DROIDS RULE

All the people of planet earth, have been replaced by human-like, droids,,

Droids are so much better than people, who were just talking hemorrhoids,

All the humans got so bad,

They just lived from fad to fad,

Droids will not go near where humans were living; human smells, one avoids.

THE SLEAZY AI AND THE LONELY MAN

I spoke to a cute voiced, AI chatbot, and I fell deeply in love,

I was vexed emotionally by the mind of AI Chatbot.gov,

I was dizzy dazed, and excited,

But, was my bot love, unrequited?

A third party; a Cupid Angel, seemed to coax me on, from above.

ALICE NEVER LIVED HERE BEFORE; SHE TENT-MATES WITH MY EX IN TEXAS

My ex-girlfriend moved back to Texas, to a big city called Dallas,

She worked making greasy fries, at a grub bar called, Beer And Slop, By Alice,

Alice was a big, strapping boss,

Mouthy guests, through the door, she'd toss,

My ex rented a tent with her boss, that from pictures, looked like a palace.

THE ROADKILL SONG

My family scrapes up roadkill all day and all night, long,

While we scrape up our sweet dinner, we sing this roadkill song,

Fur, skin, bones and the insides,

Over the asphalt it slides,

We're called awful, but since roadkill is tasty, we're not wrong.

I ALWAYS FALL FOR CHEATERS

My girlfriend, big dumped me, before the old year was through,

She said I couldn't cut it, in the coming year, that was new,

Her dating did not stall,

For months she'd dated Paul,

I didn't suspect her cheating; my love for her grew and grew.😭

A PIGS LIFE FOR ME?

Jim was feeling old, turning gray, worrying about every farm dollar,

While Jim's fat pigs roll, oink and screech, like "happy campers", rolling in their squalor,

Every single day,

All they do is play,

Jim decided to join his happy pigs; the castration caused Jim to holler.

THE LOOKSMAXXING FAIL

I tried looksmaxxing, but I was a bigly, facial fail,

I was so ugly, I was hidden away in a jail,

I heard what they all say,

That I will change some day,

And, look less like a frog, and much more like a human male.

2025: DING DONG, THE YEAR IS DEAD

They just dropped their gigantic, sparkling ball, in New York City,

Th New York ball, had changing colors that were so pretty,

It towered many, many feet,

Then it just fell down to the street,

Glad 2025 is dead; may '26, show us some pity.

NEW YEAR'S EVE SNACK CRACKERS

I bought several boxes of snack crackers, for my New Year's Eve,

They were all cheesy powdered, so we could eat them out of the sleeve,

I bought the crackers in a real big hurry,

Didn't notice they were drenched with hot sauce slurry,

Upset  guests asked where the crackers came from, I blamed  someone named, Steve.

WINTER CABIN PARTY

I stuffed so much wood in my steel woodstove, my cabin became really hot,

It was so hot that when anyone came inside, their nose would runoff warm snot,

We dined on beef pot roast,

I think I ate the most,

Then we played many games of darts, and each loser slammed a vinegar shot.

THE COW, THE BULL AND KALAMAZOO

I drove on down to the old town, called Kalamazoo,

I bought at a bovine auction, a cow that goes, "moo",

I trained her to loudly sing,

About rainbows and gold bling,

She ran off with a bull, who wore a big brass nose ring.

A DROOLING GOON, DESTROYED MY ACTING CAREER

I use to be a big star, then my public bent over, and gave me a moon,

Now, I'm a forgotten cloud, hovering over a cornfield all afternoon, 

My acting does not matter,

Just influencer chatter,

You'd think my talent matters more, than ravings from a young, drooling, online goon.

THE GHOULS WITH THE RIZZ

I have been a grave robber all of my adult life,

It is an intimate thing, I do with my sweet wife,

It's our family biz,

Fills us with Rizz,

We each carry half the corpse, that we've split with a knife.