I GO TO THE MASS BECAUSE OF MY CLASS

I may be illiterate and just a bit crass,

For I come from the lowest of the lowered down class,

I get paid to sweep floors,

For my betters open doors,

And, fix toilets when they're plugged with a mass. 

SNOWMOBILE RACE HAIKU HUMOR

Snowmobile, fast, race,
Tree, snowmobile stops, I don’t,
Broken body, ouch!!!

P02122023

THE HAPPY RHYMEY TIMES

Several years ago, people would mostly speak in a rhyme,

People were very happy, and very happy all the time,

Then along came this meanie,

Speaking the language, obsceney.

Now if you don't speak obsceney, it is considered a crime.

CARING FOR REINDEER AFTER CHRISTMAS, A BUSINESS MODEL

After Christmas, you'll see reindeer meat is extremely cheap,

It always is, once Santa has parked his red flying heap,

Santa cashes in for greed,

Saves big bucks on reindeer feed,

Santa waits until late fall, then rounds up reindeer for the leap.

MY BABY GETS HIS ROUGHAGE

I have a pet raccoon and he eats only pinecones, 

Does not care if filled with peanut butter or stones,

He has rough roughage and while it still steams,

I hear him complain, then he hollers, then screams,

I know that he is all done, when he sighs, and then moans.

BUGGY BITTERS

Whenever I go down to the neighborhood pub,

I get layers of dead bugs in my bitters and grub,

Tried partaking elsewhere,

Found much short pubic hair,

I guess the bugs are ok at my old townie hub.

DUSTY BITTERS

I went to the tavern for a pint of bitters,

In it were specks, looked like little critters,

The bar keep said it was just dust,

He'd pour me another, if he must,

I said that "the legs on the dust gives me jitters".

BRONSON THE BEAVER BEAR-Limerick

Bronson was a beaver bear,
His species was really rare,
He built damns with logs,
Frightened cats and dogs,
A cave was his main lair.

There once was a beaver bear named Bronson,
He moved to Michigan from Wisconsin,
His body was a black bear,
His beaver head gave a scare,
He married a beaver bear named Johnson.

BENNY IN THE WOODS

Poor Benny had to find himself a brand new place to squat,,

He lost his old log cabin due to rain, and snow and rot,

It is a trailer the the woods,

It has stores of pasta dry goods,

He's looking for a roomie, who can fix the toilet pot.

MOON STRANDED DREAMS

Four stranded astronauts were sitting on a moon,

Dreaming of banana bread and a Saturday cartoon,

Then, one of them got silly,

And, dreamed of Cajun chili,

Then, they all dreamed ice cream was coming very, very soon.

P08142021

JUNIOR THE SKUNK

Junior was a nasty skunk,
He followed me around like a goofy punk,
So, with bacon I would tease,
But, his bite gave me rabies,
If I don’t get to a doctor I fear that I’m sunk.

Junior the skunk feed on mice all the day,
He dug them up from holes where they quietly lay,
When a poor mouse yelled out "eek",
Startled Junior let out  a wreak,
That warned the other mice to scurry away.

P04082023

THE POLAR BEAR AND THE MAMA DEER

There once was this polar bear, his name was Moe,

He had a hunger for every little doe,

Moe would watch them and drool,

An obsessed dumb bear fool,

Moe never caught one, because old Moe was slow.

STARS, MARS AND, LIGHTNNIG BUGS IN JARS

Jerry liked to look at Stars,
He did not care for spheres like the moon or Mars,
He didn’t like balls in the sky,
Just things that twinkle way up high,
It was like lightning bugs he caught in jars.

P09092023

ICH DOWN THE TOILET

My diseased guppy has a case of ich,

The poor little fish seems awfully sick,

Some think it is very strange,

His funeral I'll arrange,

He'll be flushed out to the septic, real quick.

THE SAUSAGE WAS SO HOT, IT MADE SAMMY WAIL

Thursday, Sammy got his meat in the afternoon mail,

Hot pepperoni that turned Sammy's pimples all pale,

It burned while going down,

In his guts round and round,

At the end, the burn was so bad it made Sammy wail. 

IS IT EGG SALAD OR THE SEPTIC TANK?

Sarah had a doll house that was painted bright pink,
She put her egg sandwich in it and boy did it stink,
Her family wondered what stank,
Could it be the septic tank?
They dug the lawn up from the tank to the sink.

P05182022

DING DONG THE BEAR IS FED

Ding Dong the big bear only ate skunk meat,

It was so tasty, skunk meat was so sweet,

Since he was a small feller,

Ding Dong didn't have a smeller,

The little black and white skunk was his treat.

RANDY'S RURAL LIFESTYLE LIMERICK

Randy lived way out in the sticks,
He was covered with all kinds of ticks,
He itched and he scratched,
Till, his skin was detached,
He glued it back on with wax melted by wicks.

P08122022

THE HUNGRY COUGAR HAIKU

Door, Cougar scratching,
Brow wet, shirt sweat, pants not dry,
Man friendly? Doubtful.

Cougar, hungry, food,
Door scratched, window pane rapped, smashed,
No food, What food? Me!

P06062022

I BURN GREEN FIREWOOD

My good firewood was running real low,
I had lots of green stuff but, it burned like a foe,
You burn green it is said,
When you're between frozen and dead,
And, green wood makes a creosote fire woe.

P021217
 

DOOMED BY A DEB WITH A WEB

I saw a spider-web when I looked outside,
It was in my window, over half as wide,
I found in the web,
A black-widow named Deb,
She bit me and that's how I died.

PP08012023

BENNY BROUGHT HOME SOME CHEAP CRABS

Benny brought home to his wife some cheap crabs,

The crabs were just little dribbles and dabs,

They came in a can,

Fried up well with Spam,

The crabs helped the Bennies build bigger abs. 

I FINGERED SOMEONE

Someone was picking their nose,

And, wiping it allover their clothes,

Mama got mad,

Nose picker got sad,

I told everyone, and that added to woes.

VERN THE INTERN AND LOVE

There once was a TV intern named Vern Benderback,

He always ate his cheese balls from a brown paper sack,

Vern was married twice,

Both times got head lice

It seems real relationships, Vern could never hack.

TIME TRAVELS WITH MORRIS

Morris bought a used time machine, but his time travels did not last,

Morris was eaten by a dinosaur, back in the distant past,

The dinosaur thought Morris yummy,

He put Morris in the dino tummy,

The dino got indigestion, because he ate his food too fast.

JIMMY THE WEREWOLF LIMERICK

Jimmy the werewolf eats only toes off of feet,

His diet is strictly eating toe meat,

He loves chewing toe bone,

If it hurts, just make a loud moan,

Don't run or, he'll put teeth to your seat.

THE HUNTING TIGER IN THE SNOW

My Tiger is a kitty cat,
But, that he does not know,
He thinks he is a hunting beast,
So, I let him go out hunting  in the snow,

Alas, Tiger did not do so well,
Out hunting in the snow,
He ended up back at my front door,
Inside he wanted to go,

I let indoors my shivering pet,
He ran to his bowl, a well filled dish,
After that he took a nap,
My hunting Tiger full of tuna fish.

PP04172023

THE HATCHING OF KAYZEARS THE DRAGON

Kayzears the dragon popped out of an egg,

As soon as she popped, she ate my left leg,

The kids hid in a box,

Kayzears was smart as a fox,

After snacking on children, she scarfed down my wife Peg.

KAYZEARS THE DRAGON

Kayzears the dragon has lived for 12,000 years,

She loves eating pie, and pickled human ears,

She can make someone cry,

By eating their thigh,

Which she enjoys, after having a few beers.

FREE BOOZE ON NEW YEARS, AND MY BOSSES STILL HATE ME

New Years Eve I had over all my bosses,

And, they drank down all my sauces,

My party got praise,

But I didn't get a raise,

My alcohol bribes turned into loses.

I'M ONLY ONE FINGERED IN TWO FINGERED BARS

I wanted just two fingers of whisky, but the frostbite took four,

I gave the bar keep the one finger, and he threw me out the door,

I laid in the snow bank,

Got taken to the drunk tank,

I know I only got the one finger, and I wish I had more.

ON NEW YEARS EVE DAVE WENT TO A RAVE

On New Years Eve Dave went to a rave,
It was such a party that Dave didn’t behave,
He ran down a main street,
Tripped over his fat feet,
With no teeth his mouth looks like a cave.

On New Years Eve Dave went to a rave,
He was single so he tried to behave,
He met a girl named Corky,
But, she knew Dave was dorky,
His reputation follows him to the grave.

PP01012021

PATTY AND HER NASTY PIES

Patty's pies are really bitter,
Although she brags them up on Twitter,
The inside is like soup,
Smells like a dog coop,
The baking bug should not have bit her.

PP02262023

HAPPY BOXING DAY

It's another fun filled "Happy Boxing Day".

From my boring work, I will stay far, far away,

I'll come home at three,

Have tatters and tea,

Then I'll hibernate, until the birds sings in May.

THE GREAT TUNA GOD

The great, grand tuna god of elves, trolls and gnomes,

He is always reciting gross, fishy poems,

He likes poems about bass,

Because they rhyme with gut gas,

And, poems about dog fish with rabies and mouth foams.

MY OBOE HAD HOLES

My oboe had too many holes, so I plugged some with chewing gum,

Then when I played my oboe, it made a horrible, hissing hum,

So, my music I could not share,

I led a life of despair,

And, I could never approach my one true love, who played the bongo drum.

PP11252023

I HAVE NO FRIGHT, EXCEPT FROSTBITE

I could not pay my gas bill for months, because those funds I lack,

I'm waiting for my kerosene heater to heat up my shack,

In a couple of more days,

I must heat in other ways, 

When my kerosene runs out, I'll suffer a frostbite attack.

MY LITTLE PET TOAD LIMERICK

My little pet toad sleeps so easy,
He drinks rum but, he never gets queasy,
His constitution's deluxe
It is never in flux,
Even with a cold he never gets sneezy.

PP102321

WADING FOR DINNER: A FISHERMAN'S STORY

I went fishing, wading out in the dark,
I was hungry and my kitchen was stark,
I had my red worms and beer,
And, the beer gave me such cheer,
 Until, I stepped on a hammerhead shark.

HOW TO MAKE A CAMPFIRE LIMERICK

I chipped some flint to make some fire,

I made a few sparks, but my arms started to tire,

So, I took out a match,

Struck a flame that would catch,

I chose the easy way, and left the hard way to admire.

PP09202023

I KNEW A BANJO PLAYER NAMED CLAY

I knew a banjo player named Clay,
And, boy could that hillbilly play,
From Mozart to Bach,
From Bluegrass to rock,
His music had something to say.

PP09062022

THE DEER ATE MY WINTER TRIP TO BARBADOS

I was planning on using my cash earned from potatoes,
To fund my winter trip to Barbados,
Of course my potatoes this year,
Have been ate by the deer,
And, my arthritis  won't let me pick tomatoes.

P090716

BLUE BALL IN LOVE

Tony liked his sports, if he could play with real blue balls,

So, he played at beaches searching for the best blue volleyballs

Soon he came upon his prince,

A body builder, named Blue Vince,

One was tall and one was short, but their overcame those walls.

CHICKEN OR AN EGG

I went to Miami and bought me some eggs,

I cracked one open, and got a beak and two legs,

Two eyes were staring at me,

So, I fried it all in ghee,

And fed the lot to my dog, Little Megs.

BENNY BUILT A TIME MACHINE

PP033122

Benny built a time machine,

But, he benefited not,

For when he went back to change the past,

The future he forgot.
 

JIM WILL BE SQUATTING WITHOUT ANY BLUE BALLS.

Jim is just a squatter on this little blue ball, earth,

Jim squats, and squats, and squats, and grows a bigger girth, 

One day Jim will galaxy away,

Where there's mean, Jim will not stay,

Then Jim will squat again, just like a brand new birth.

I PUBLISHED A POST

I published a post, but the post was not ready,

It had all the words, but the logic was unsteady,

So, I spent all the day,

Moving words to convey,

And letters from A to old Zeddy.

PP020322

UNDERSTAND THE BAND

There are not too many trumpets in my band,

Because they played so bad most of the kids were banned,

But, through some band parent/teachers host,

The banned players were no longer ghosts,

I just hope those who have to listen understand. 

THE DAY OF THE FIVE HOUNDS

Freddy fried a big pan of a food called bubble and squeak,

He fed it to his five hound dogs, and soon the house did wreak,

Freddy used his bathroom spray,

It made the worst smell go away,

But, Freddy almost passed out, when the smells were at their peak.

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

THE BREWMEISTER BEAST IN MY CRAWLSPACE

In my crawl space there lives a great beast,

He brews his own beer and demands lots of yeast,

But, where my wallet stops,

Is buying pricey hops,

He can make wine with just sugar and yeast. 

PP083122

THE LITTLE PIGGY POEM

LITTLE PIGGY, LITTLE PIGGY
Little piggy, little piggy your cuteness is lame,
You are not housebroken and therefor not tame,
No matter how you are trained you end up the same,
You crap on the floor, and you won't take the blame.

EAT OR BE EATEN BY PIGS

Bill liked his pork chops, he ate them sit times a day,

Bill raised his own pigs, and saved money that way,

One day Bill's heart, it stoped,

Into the pig pen he dropped,

Bill's pigs ate Bill all up, that's what his neighbors say.

THE BEST BUNS, STAKE AND CHEESE

I went to Salisbury to eat me some stake,

It's served between big buns, best that anyone can bake,

With sausage gravy and cheese,

For little me, it do please,

Then for desert I eat the whipped cream and pound cake.

DARK SKIES LEAD TO T FOR THE D

There was no shadow behind the tree,

Because the sun was history,

For the skies darkening clouds,

Were like piling on shrouds,

I was so depressed, then I took my tea.

PP101022

SQUISHY RHUBARB PIE

My rhubarb pie came out real squishy,

Cousin Tim, wouldn't eat it, nor would cousin Trishy,

Uncle Bob ate it, and got really sick,

As did dad and mom and grandma Vick,

May they get well is my holiday wishy.

   

THERE WAS A ROCKBASS NAMED MURKY

There was a rock bass named Murky,
When he swam he swam really Jerky,
He swam over a dam,
Did a forehead slam,
Now he thinks that he is a turkey.

PP090823

THURMOND'S TELESCOPE IS FOR THE BIRDS

Thurmond's telescope made the news one day,

When Thurmond saw spacecrafts heading our way,

After networks broadcast his words,

The spacecrafts turned out to be birds,

There was a crow, a dove and blue jay.

PP033022
 

I DIG POTATOES AND WATCH THE GOAT

I found a little fig,

It seemed to dance a jig,

Was ate by a goat named Tig,

Who chewed up my daddy's wig,

All, while potatoes I did dig.

FREE CANDY CANES ARE NOT ALWAYS FREE

I love to get free candy canes everywhere I go,

But, now most stores don't give them out, 

So, my stash stays pretty low,

Of course, I can go to grandmas and pick them off her tree 

But, if she catches me she spanks me on her gnarled knee,

Now, I am nearly forty and grandma's ninety-three,

I just hope she don't hurt her hip, when lambasting little me.

PP122318