UNCLE JAKE IS NUTS, BUT HE DIDN'T HURT ANYONE THIS CHRISTMAS

Christmas is all over, and I am giving Uncle Jake a golden star,

He did not try to run us over in his Lincoln Continental car,

I took away his baseball bat,

Replaced it with a tin foil hat,

And, I sent with him home, my homemade mincemeat in a jar.

INKY IN THE DEEP

When Inky my pet octopus died,

His friend Boris, the bear cried and cried

Down my new toilet bowel,

Went Inky's remains and soul,

To the septic, Inky had a nice ride.

INKY THE OCTOPUS AND BORIS THE BEAR

My pet octopus has run out of ink,

That's why he has turned a pale shade of pink,

His friend, my pet bear,

Is very aware,

For the two of them have a strong psychic link.

CHRISTMAS WAS MY NO PIE CRY DAY

For Christmas dinner, I forgot to bake pie,

I was confronted by my guests, who asked why?

I was so full of despair,

I pulled out my hair,

And, locked myself in my bedroom to cry.❄😭

MORT THE ROBOT-Limerick

There was a robot named Mort,
For a tin man he was real short,
He could not compute,
Or, do a square root,
He couldn't even write a report.

Mort was a real klutzy robot,
He was one since he was a tin tot,

He couldn't run in gym,
He would sink and not swim,
His circuits were covered with rot.

Mort went for years to robot school,
He still turned out to be a real fool,
He could not count past three,
Or, pronounce the letter "B",
Now, he's just someone's can opener tool.

TRINA THE POND

Trina the snow-lady got hammered by storm,

It was blowy and snowy, real windy and warm,

Trina was no brainy,

And, when the snow became rainy,

Trina melted to water and showed her true form.

P113022

I

TREE

                              LCB

I eat my crumpets, sip my tea,

From my kitchen, I can see,

I have a beautiful pine tree,

It's free spirit makes me feel free,

I'll make a swing, then I'll go "Wee!"😁

BALLAD OF THE WINTER WONDER BAND

They were called the Winter Wonder Band,

They Played polka across all the land,

People who danced,

Were soul enhanced,

Gorging on cabbage and trout that they canned.

MARY’S TOES WERE REALLY JAMMED

Mary’s toes were really jammed,
Her smelly feet gave her friends woe,
But, her nose was stuffed and smelled no scent,
So, she gave her nose a blow.

Mary's shirt showed off her dinner,
From the night before,
Mary seldom did her laundry,
She found that chore a bore,

Mary had no significant other,
For she had such quirky ways,
Mary graded on the nerves of another,
While on herself she lauded praise.

P2052611

I BLAME MY BROTHER

Those little elves have been spying for Santa Claus,

I haven't been good, so this years presents might pause,

I think it wise,

Not to apologise,

I'll blame my brother for the bad things I cause.

P2121122

MY LIFE AS A BRAIN EATING ZOMBIE HAIKU

Brain eating zombie,
Biter, ouch, headache, brains, brains,
Guy, baseball bat, ouch!!!

P211323

THOSE THIEVING DINOSAURS

A pterodactyl flew off with my banana,

A triceratops ripped off my bandana, 

A brontosaurus stole my car,

An ichthyosaur grabbed my guitar,

And, a tyrannosaur ate my favorite nanna.

P2

THE CHRISTMAS THREE

Jessie was told to setup a Christmas tree,"

But, earwax caused Jessie to hear "Christmas Three,"

Jessie worked day and night,

To make his three look just right,

It looked so nice everyone just let it be.

ALL THAT BANGING MUST HURT

Johnny banged, and banged, and banged on the floor,

Johnny hurt his self, and he did it no more,

He calmed down real good,

He did just as he should,

Then David started bang, bang, banging the door.

MOZART'S TIT SINGS

There was a little titmouse chirping in a tree,

The little titmouse chirped and chirped, a Mozart melody,

It was the Turkish March in C,

He chirped repeatedly,

Now that tune repeats in my head, and my brain cells can't break free.

MY DELICIOUS CHRISTMAS GOAT CHEESE

Everyone loves my Christmas goat cheese,

I bring some to work each year, as a smell tease,

Sometimes it ain't right,

And, empties bowels overnight,

For my goats often have diarrhea disease.

MY FLUGELHORN PAID FOR RENT AND FOOD

All I want for Christmas is a brand new flugelhorn,

A truck ran over my old one, and made my horn unborn,

I play my horn at the corner and get tossed one cent,

When I get enough pennies, I go and pay my rent,

If I have money left over, I can sup on canned cream corn.

PIMPLES OF THE WITCH

My granny use to be a very naughty, nasty, mean witch,

She gave nice people lots of pimples, and made those pimples itch,

She'd sell a cure in a plastic tub,

Just a mayonnaise and alcohol rub,

Granny became really rich, off the pimple cream, she would pitch.

SANTA CLAUS RODE ON HIS RED SLEIGH

Santa Claus rode on his red sleigh,
Bringing presents on Christmas day,
He couldn't hardly steer,
His rowdy reindeer,
Till he agreed to give them more pay.

THE LITTLE SUMMER BOY

I hate all the winter, it comes with a terrible steep cost,

All it does is blow and snow, and covers eyeballs with the frost,

The cold aches down in my bones,

And, I lose my suntan tones,

By the time old winter ends, I will be feeling all is lost.

WHERE DOES SANTA GET HIS TOYS?

Where does Santa get his toys?
They are made by elves for good girls and boys,
And, for boys and girls who are really bad,
They get lumps of coal then, they feel sad,

Where does Santa get his lumps of coal?
From deep shaft mines worked by a creature called troll,
And, while elves get a golden toy factory pass,
Trolls work deep in the earth like a true second-class,

Now, old Santa is a jolly old elf,
And, he promotes the ones who are just like himself,
 But, he does provide jobs for those who work underground,
In mines that are cited as unsafe and unsound,

Yet, the trolls do not live a life of quiet despair,
Instead, they plot revolution to make society fair,
Now, on Christmas morning when you get your big lump of coal,
Remember, the coal came from the toils of the second-class troll.

THE FAMILY COMES TOGETHER TO SHARE THEIR LOVE AND A MEAL🎄❄❄❄❄❄🎄

Every holiday it's not surprising,🙄

With all the family tensions rising,😡

After all our nasties are said,🙊

We sit down and break bread,🍞

Afterwards, we continue despising.🍷🍸🍹🍺

CHRISTMAS TREES OUTSIDE

I like to decorate Christmas trees outside in the snow,

And, watch the colored bulbs in the sunshine glow,

But, watch out for the deer,

Because it is clear,

On your trees their chompers will mow.

THE MARSHMALLOW ELVES

Two marshmallows froze while polishing Santa's sleigh,

Santa warned them not to do it, but the marshmallows did it anyway,

To warm the marshmallows up quick,

Santa stuck them on a stick,

And, Santa had s'mores to snack on that day.

THERE WAS NO SNOW FOR CHRISTMAS

There was no snow for Christmas,

Nor, snow for New Year's as well,

And, living in Northern Michigan,

It's been a type of snow-less hell,

There's no snow on the ski slope,

Nor, on the toboggan run,

There's no snow on the snowmobile trail,

In winter, no snow equals no fun,

Of course you can go ice skating,

And, fall and crack your bones,

You can also go ice fishing,

And, get frostbite on your scones,

But, a snow fortress you cannot build,

Nor, a snowman can you roll,

You can't track animals you've shot and killed,

Nor, make snow angels with arms and soul,

You see a winter that has no snow,

Is like a car that has no gas,

It's like Santa's lost his "Ho, Ho,"

When Old Man Winter takes a pass.

A WARM CHRISTMAS DAY CHANGES OLD SANTA'S SLEIGH

There will be no white on Christmas Day,

Only green and brown and tan and gray,

It has been really warm,

And, unless there's a storm,

Tires will adorn Santa's sleigh.

HEY SNOWMAN, LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE

By Tim Colin

Last night my brother's Ted, Mike our colleague Gerrard and I spent the night in a local children’s park waiting to capture one of the strange monsters known by the general public as snowmen. However, professional investigators like us believe that some snowmen are tainted with evil and come to life after midnight every December when the moon is full.  Our organization learned of these evil snow demons from Gerrard’s great grandfather.

Gerrard’s great grandfather is named Hank and he was born in Germany back in 1902.  Hank lives nearby the park and will often take a leash out for a walk through it.  Hank lost his pet poodle 20 years ago but imagines that the pooch is still alive.  Hank feeds and waters his dog everyday and after mid-night he imagines taking his dog for a walk so the dog can do its business in the children’s park.  Hank had told his great grandson Gerrard that he had seen a large snowman roaming around the park looking for people to switch with its long stick fingers.

According to Hank people in the village where he was born believed that in December when the moon was full the snowmen made by children would come to life and switch the naughty children on the backside with the stick hands that stuck out of the abdomen.  Gerrard told us that this was an old Celtic legend.  I pointed out that the Celts were in Ireland and Scotland not Germany.  Gerrard responded “Well, my grandfather’s village was in the mountains so he must have been a highlander.”

I saw absolutely no problem with his logic.  Neither of my brothers said anything because they have problems locating the United States on a map of North America.  My brother Mike thinks the nations of the world are arranged on the globe in alphabetical order.

Before we started our investigation I decided to check out the story old Hank told Gerrard regarding a snowman prowling around the children’s park after mid-night.  I listened to a police scanner the other night and sure enough there were several reports about an old white man wandering around aimlessly in the park when it was blowing snow and well below freezing.  I was then sure that the reports must have been about the snowman.   I then decided to assemble a team to set out in the cold with me and wait for the dangerous snow beast.  I figured Tim and Mike could fight the dangerous snowman and since Gerrard was so slow, I could outrun Gerrard if need be so the snowman would catch up to Gerrard first which would allow for me to escape.  I had things pretty well planned out.   Because no one knew what the snow creature’s intentions might be I had Mike bring along a baseball bat so we had some means of defense besides hope and snowballs.

When we arrived at the park last night it was cold and quiet.  The clouds had parted revealing a glowing white full moon.  There was a large snowman in the park and luckily there was a snow fort built near enough to the snowman so we could hide and observe the creature and hopefully avoid being switched.   Unfortunately, the fort was not big enough for all four of us so I persuaded my younger brother Mike that he should find another place to hide.  He is not too bright so I suggested that he make a snow angel and lie still in the angel indentation and that the rest of us would cover Mike up with snow.  Mike made a show angel. We immediately covered him up with snow and packed it down tightly so it didn’t look like a snow grave.  

Ted, Gerrard and, I hid behind the walls of the snow fort waiting for the creature to start its demonic movements through the park.  Then a gust of wind blew up and at the same time we all saw the hands and arms of the snowman monster move.  “Did you see that?”  I said.

“I can’t believe this,” responded Ted.  “I thought this was just a dumb story that Gerrard’s great grandpa made up to scare little kids and big sissies like Gerrard.”

“Well your grandpa believes in leprechauns,” retorted Gerrard.  “Who could believe in people dressed up in green running around with a pot of gold?  Everyone knows people with money work on Wall Street and run around wearing black suits and they keep their money in ATM machines.  I know because I saw them using ATM machines when I went to New York as a kid.  Or was that Mt. Pleasant?  I get those two cities mixed up a lot.  I think it was the city that has the bridge that goes to Canada.”

“Would you guys shut up,” I said.  “That thing is still moving out there and I think it is creeping our way.  Where’s’ the bat?  We need to clobber that thing before it gets us.”

“I think we buried the bat with Mike,” answered Ted.  “We’ll have to ease over to Mike and dig him up in order to retrieve the bat.”

I had a better idea.  “Mike!” I hollered in a whispering voice, “Take the bat up to the monster and bash him in.  I can see the monster is going right for you now so hurry up you slow poke.”  Mike did not rustle under the snow.  He was either too afraid to act or he had gone to sleep right when we needed him to defend us.  You just can’t count on family for anything.  I knew then that it was up to me to motivate Ted and Gerrard to attack the snow monster and save us all.  I motioned for Ted and Gerrard to ease along over to where Mike was buried.  I followed them.

When we reached my brother Mike we unburied his face.  I slapped his face a couple of times but he did not wake up.  Mike is a light thinker but a very deep sleeper.

“He does not look too good,” observed Gerrard.  “Is he still alive?”

“Right now that’s not important,” I responded.  “The important thing is that we need to save ourselves.  Besides, if Mike is completely frozen we can sell his internal organs on the Internet and make a fine profit.  Anyways, I’ll still have Ted here as a brother in case I need a kidney or something one day.”

Then Gerrard held up the baseball bat and said triumphantly, “I found it.”

Then suddenly there was a tremendous gust of wind and the snowman started waving its arms and hands frantically like Frankenstein’s monster.  The snowman came at us and I led the charge for about half the distance to the monster and then I let Ted and Gerrard lead the way with Gerrard holding the bat in one hand held over his right shoulder.  When Gerrard got close to the snow monster he smashed it in the head with the bat.  With one swing of the bat the head of the monster disappeared.  Then Gerrard knocked off the dangerous branch arms from the beast.  Gerrard had to stop because he was having an asthma attack.  After a few seconds Gerrard was fine.  Then my brother Mike woke up and came over to congratulate Gerrard for defeating the evil creature.  

I was truly glad that the ordeal was over and the creature was now just a cowering pile of snow.  I was glad the snowman had not gotten to me because if it switched people for being bad then I would have been switched a lot because I have been a  bad boy several times this last year.

Note:  The above short story is published courtesy of Humor News Outdoors Nuts web site.

WHY SAM AIN'T GOT NO GIRLFRIEND

There once was a man named Sam,

He ate the putrefied meat from a ham, 

It made his bowels all throttle,

So he peed in a bottle,

And farted, on his girlfriend, Pam.

THE MAGIC VOLES LIMERICKS

I went out in the snow and made a hole,

At the bottom of the hole there was a vole,

 The vole said, "you know voles are magic in Mich,

So, I'll grant just one wish," 

The vole wished he had hot soup in a bowl.

Voles can make magic and I met one that cursed me,

Now, I can't work with numbers because I can't count past three,

It gets better yet,

Don't know the alphabet,

Cursed voles make me ignorant and free. 

The magic vole liked to play French horn, trumpet and flute,

In fact, he could play anything that made the noise of a toot,

He could beat on a drum,

Sing tenor and hum,

 And, when the police showed up he could scoot.

TRUMPET ETUDES BROKE UP THE TWO DUDES

I decided to write etudes, that were fun and fancy,

I did it for the trumpet, for my students Glen and Clancy, 

The etudes made them play real good,

Got them out of this neighborhood,

Then they had a falling out, over someone they called Nancy.

HERMES: HEARTS AND SMELLS

Hermes loved the Poe story of "The Tell Tale Heart",

Unfortunately with Hermes, he had a tell tale fart,

And, just wouldn't you know,

The sound of farts would grow,

The sound was ever increasing, bringing Hermes regret and woe.

DAVE WALKED HOME IN THE SNOW STORM

The cold hit and hurt David's face,

Like a blast of cold bear mace,

His eyeballs got puckered,

Dave's bod ached, and was tuckered,

To get home, he had to pick up the pace.

THE UN-GRADUATED UNDERGRADUATE, HAS A HISSY FIT

I opened my mail, and got a brand new communication,

Addressed from the university administration,

They said they looked and could not see,

How I earned a college degree,

All that work these may years, ends only with frustration.

TINY BUBBLES OR TAP

There were tiny bubbles, exploding in my pop,

They were giving me a headache, and I could not make them stop,

So, to ease my bad head pain,

I poured my pop down the drain,

Now, I drink tap water, that smells like its from my mop.

THE WEREWOLF, CHAMOMILE TEA AND DILL FLAVORED SNACK CRACKERS

I was traveling through the wicked woods,
On my way to the store to buy dry goods,
When a fierce werewolf stood in my way,
I forgot the moon was full and it was not day,

But, on my mistake I did not ponder,
I ran to my cabin way back yonder,
And, although I made it through the door,
The werewolf pinned me to the floor,

I looked for my shotgun but it was in pieces,
I forgot it had been played with by my little nieces,
I said to the werewolf " you don't want to eat me",
I live on dill flavored snack crackers and chamomile tea,

"I'm afraid that you will never saviour"
"Chamomile tea and dill snack cracker flavor,"
So, into the woods the werewolf stole away,
For only bacon flavored snack crackers made his taste buds go yeah!

SPOOKY CHRISTMAS

  In the chimney hobgoblins appeared,

The Christmas tree, now looks really weird,

I got a message from Claus,

At my home, he won't pause,

Last time two reindeer disappeared.

TURTLE SOUP, LIZARDS, SNAKES AND BUGS DANCING THE HULA-HOOP

I could not find a turtle for my turtle soup,
So, I went out to see what crawled on my front stoop,
I found a green lizard,
A snake with a gizzard,
And, four bugs danced a mean hula-hoop.

SANTA, BELLS AND BATTERIES

Santa had to buy brand new batteries, to make his big sleigh bells ring,

But, the elves stole the batteries for karaoke, because elves like to sing,

So, Santa's long fight,

Was one dreary night,

With the reindeer all singing "Ding, Ding....".

A LIMERICK OF LYNN (THE WALRUS)

There once was a walrus named Lynn,
She couldn’t fit through her door when open,
So, she stuck dynamite,
By her belly so tight,
Now, she’s missed by her kith and her kin.

121823

THE BEAST RUINED OUR CHRISTMAS FEAST

I chopped some firewood to cook the beast,

It was the main course at our Christmas feast,

But the beast was not dead,

It bit off my head,

That was the scenario I planned for, the least.

JOHNNY BANGS ON THE WALL

Johnny, Johnny you bang on the wall,
Are you an animal hearing the animal call,
Your neighbors next door,
Find no peace from your roar,
Have you no compassion at all?

DON'T LOOK, IT'S ANTHROPOCENE

I've heard I live in an epoch called anthropocene,

I looked for dinosaurs, but none have I seen,

I guess it's human caused,

And not easily paused,

I just hope snails won't grow big, and turn mean.

NINE GUMS HIS PENCILS

I had a good buddy they called Nine Times Ten,

He did math with a pencil, and never used pen,

He was good with his math sums,

Chewed his pencil with his gums,

Nine lost his teeth; fisted by big brother Glen.

SLEIGH BELLS AND COOKIE

Cookie was Santa's favorite reindeer,

She always had a joke, and was full of good cheer,

And every year,

She'd load the sled gear,

And, licked clean Santa's bells, so they were easy to hear.

YELLOW POISONOUS SPIDER LIMERICK AND POEM

A big yellow spider bit me on the head,
It hurt so bad and puffed up really red,
Then, I felt really, really strange,
I looked in a mirror and saw a change,
Not a human; a yellow spider instead.

Yellow spider don't make me cry,
Don't bite my foot, don't bite my thigh,
I'm really quite a descent guy,
I'll be better and won't go awry,
I really need a relieving sigh,

Please don't bite me and make me die.

A LAXATIVE AND THE THROWN

Poor old Professor Max,

He consumed way too much lax,

He is stuck to his thrown,

Calling for help on his phone,

While his bowels play Yackety Sax.

BILLS, AND I GO HUNGRY

I found some cereal for breakfast, but it was not very good,

 Eleven years old, and it ate like spongy wood,

My pantry has a restock need,

But, bill collectors have greater greed,

They would take my gold fillings, if they thought they could.

LESTER TRAINED TO PLAY THE TRUMPET

Lester was trained to play the trumpet,
He could only play slow, and couldn’t hump it,
Only fast music could please,
All the dance party sleaze,
Lester then took his trumpet to dump it.

SANTA'S KANGAROO

There is a kangaroo named Pam,
She works for Santa and makes his jam,
When jam making wanes,
She makes candy canes,
On Christmas Day she glazes the ham.

TWINS AND THE LITTER BOX

I bought twin kittens that came as a set,

I figured they would be like having one pet,

But, one drank only lemon tea,

The other drank only coffee,

Of course, the litter box they'd ignore or forget.

MY SHOWER ROPE WAS EMPTY

Mason used up all the soap,

So, all I had was an empty rope,

So, I used up his shampoo,

Got even, true,

Now, he won't be telling ma, that I'm just a stupid dope.

DENNY USED THE PUBLIC POOL

Dennis used the public pool, and got a really bad disease,

It cost a fortune to treat it, with creams and doctor's fees, 

Once Denny felt again, fine,

He went out to drink and dine,

When he went to use the public toilet, his wife just thought "oh geez".

HUMAN REMAINS FOUND IN A GIANT SQUARTOL FOSSIL

Tony thought he was immortal,

Because he found a time-warp portal,

Tony traveled way, way back,

But, good coordinates, he did lack,

Tony ended up in the stomach of squartol. 🐿

Definition:  A squartol is an extinct 8 meter long prehistoric beast, resembling a squirrel, and known for consuming time travelers.

THE BALLAD OF DARREN AND KARREN MAILBOXES

There was a big mailbox named Darren,
A box down the street was named Karen,
Without a push or a shove,
They could never find love,
So, their hearts would always be barren.

Darren was a mailbox,
He loved Karen down the street,
Although their hearts were locked in love,
Their posts were in concrete.

TRUCK WITH BALD TIRES HAIKU

Truck has bald tires,
Too expensive to replace,
The ditch is not bad.

BEDBUG LIMERICK, HAIKU AND, POEM

BEDBUG LIMERICK
Jason found some bed bugs that were sucking on his knee,
He picked them off one at a time and let each bug go free,
George visited Jason at his house,
George brought bugs home to his spouse,
Bed bugs suck anyone’s blood and spread real easily.

BEDBUG HAIKU
Bedbugs bad suck blood,
Burn the cloths. Burn the beds too,
Nature’s nastiest.

BEDBUG POEM
You’ve never lived through a terrifying storm,
Until you’ve lived to watch the bedbugs swarm,
They race towards you because your blood is warm,
This is the lot you’ll face in a college dorm,

Bedbugs drink your blood and could not be meaner,
As your blood flows out you will become leaner,
Their bloodsucking jaws could not look obscener,
You just wish your roommate had been a bit cleaner,

Bedbugs, bedbugs in the very dark of night,
Causing all this mayhem and excessive fright,
As to your new digs just you don’t get too tight,
Cause we’re bringing them down with homemade dynamite.

MY CHEERFUL HELLO LIMERICK

I say a cheerful hello ten times everyday,

But, the reactions leave me in a state of dismay,

Words and hand gestures I can't say,

An occasional backside display,

I guess being cheerful is a job with no pay.

 

MY PICCOLO VS A TRUMPET CARILLON

A trumpet carillon played all through the night,
They kept me awake which started a fight,
But their brass horns hit true,
Making me all black and blue,
And, up my nose my piccolo fit real tight.

WHERE THE BAD THINGS ARE

I was in a dark, damp forest from times of yore, 

Monsters and man eating plants were in trees, and on the floor,

But, I was aback taken,

When I found me some bacon,

Then I slammed closed the refrigerator door.

I'M WORKING CHRISTMAS DAY

So my boss can island trip far away,

I have go to work on this Christmas Day,

I have to be like a cop,

And guard the pawn shop,

So no one breaks in, takes stuff, and not pay.