FRIENDSHIP IS SKIN DEEP

I had a friend come over and they were very rich,

They still left bugs on my sofa and I caught their itch,

I sprayed the sofa down twice, 

Once for microbes, once for lice,

A friend that makes me itchy is a friend  I will ditch.

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TANK THE CAPTAIN

There once was a ship captain named Tank,

Every ship he commanded he sank,

He ruined his career,

Because he could learn to steer,

Now he sails without any rank rank.

THE PARTY PIG AND THE PIE

Jon took his two favorite fingers, and stuck them deep in the pie,

Someone caught him committing the crime, with their big green watery eye,

Jon dripped cherry filling on his clothes

Then someone popped him in the nose,

They said he was a disgusting pig, and he'd better go bye, bye.

A SQUARE MEAL FOR A FLY

I made a bread sandwich, included tomatoes and cheese,

I made a fruity desert, included honey from bees,

I made a coffee to drink,

Drank antacid that was pink,

I then left for the big airport for my flight overseas.

WORK A LOT, SLEEP A LOT

I washed my dishes, my laundry, my car, ta-da,

I polished the silver and wiped off the bar, rah-rah,

But, work is a trap,

Leads to an afternoon nap,

I awoke to see the big Northern Star, wah-wah.

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STICKER TICKER SHOCK

I went to buy meat and was shocked by the sticker,
The price was so high that it shut down my ticker,
When revived, I went to the bar,
And received one more jar,
At the price I was charged for my liquor.

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TRIPPING BOARD ON MARS

I snuck onboard a counting down spaceship, that was heading into space,

I didn't know where I was going, but I knew it was a better place,

The spaceship took me up to Mars,

Where there's no pop or candy bars,

The only thing there is to do on Mars, is walk back and forth, and pace.

KOKOMO JOE

There was something in my closet staring,

A shiny jacket the thing was wearing,

It was my brother Joe,

Lives down in Kokomo,

It seems brother Joe had lost his bearing. 

LAST NIGHT MY POT CRACKED-Haiku

Last night my pot cracked,
Kiln too hot, clay unworked, oops,
Good gift for grandma.

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KITE ON A WIRE

I went outside to fly my brand new red kite,

It kept crashing, because it was so darn light,

I flew it on a wire,

Lightning struck, it taught fire,

My tennis shoes melted, and now they're too tight.

PROPERTY TAXES ARE DUE

My property taxes are awfully darn high,

I think I'll be moving way up into the sky,

Get a copter I could repair,

Then I'll hover up in the air,

If they send me a tax bill, I'm asking them "why"?

THE SHARK AND I REMEMBERED

When I fell off the majestic Mackinac bridge,

I slammed into the cold water, and it was fridge,

The water broke, hark!

It was a bull shark,

I remembered my family photo with ex-wife Midge.

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I SAW A NO.HAIR BEAR

When I was little, I saw a bear,

He was full of stuffing and had no hair,

He slept with me in bed,

Up by my baby head,

So all the wild monsters, he would scare.

STUPID LIMERICKS, APRIL FOOL'S

There once was a fool named April May,

A first cousin to Monday Tuesday,

They would together ice skate,

Until they each found a mate,

Two bothers called Wednesday and Thursday.

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THE PEEP CREEPS ARE COMING

The thing about the marshmallow peeps,

When I'm shopping them, I shop for keeps,

The day that comes after Sunday,

Is the day they call Monday,

When they mark down the peeps for us creeps.

EATING OUT CHEAP

I went to a real cheap restaurant, and it was all you could eat,

You had to wash your own dishes, and wipe down your table and seat,

They served macaroni and rice,

Very stale white bread, a thin slice,

They had a white sausage gravy, but it smelled like my sister's feet.

MY CHEESE EATING BUNNY

I have a cute bunny rabbit that only eats real cheddar cheese,

The bun barges into the fridge and takes it, never saying please,

I am a total mute,

Because bunny is cute,

I will never criticise bunny, because bunny is the bees knees.

EASTER BUNNY RABBIT FRAUD

The Easter Bunny was nasty, and left me just plastic eggs,

Those hard, plastic knock-offs, were never between a chickens legs,

The candy left in the eggs seemed real mean,

Leftover candy corn from Halloween?

What did  Bun do with the Easter funds, that's what the question begs?

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DON'T EAT THE PRETTY THINGS

As I walked to the store, I picked a pretty flower,

I chewed it in my mouth, and it tasted very sour,

Someone said, "should have left it be,

You just tasted new doggy pee",

I hurried home and rinsed my mouth out for an hour.

33124

THE STAR FROM THE STICKS

Benny went to Livonia to star in some flicks,

Romantic comedies, but they only had hicks,

His backwoods simple ways,

Along with stupid gaze,

Made Benny a superstar; a star from the sticks.

I WAS A CESSPOOL DIVER; NOT AN OLYMPIC SPORT

I went diving in a nasty cesspool, desperate to come clean,

It made my face all pucker up, so I used mamas Maybelline,

The cess got in my beautiful hair,

That's why my hair is no longer there,

I'll not enter a cesspool again, except in a submarine.

I EATS CANDY WHILE I CAN

The bunny brings lots of candy in his basket, that rots teeth,

That's why you will never see a smile, from my uncle Keith,

I really do not care,

Cavities I will dare,

I will eat my candy before the dirt, I am underneath.

THE WILL OF THE MOUSE

The mouse was stuck on the old glue trap,

He squeaked and squeaked and said, "Drat, Drat,"

But, his will kept him yanking,

And, his little feet cranking,

He freed himself, but was ate by the cat.

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DADDY SELLS MEDICAL SUPPLIES III (NON ORGAN DONOR MARKET)

Daddy goes out on the street, very late at night,

Looking for used body parts, when supplies are tight,

When old organs fail,

Daddy finds some for sale,

Guaranteed to fit the wealthy client, just right.

A CANDY BASKET FIT FOR KINGS AND QUEENS

I got a basket full of chocolate eggs, marshmallow peeps and jelly beans,

I've never seen so much candy, it was like a basket for kings and queens,

It came from a nice bunny,

I think his name was Sonny,

He was wearing big bib overhauls, because he was way too fat for jeans.

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WHEN I WAS A DRIVER'S TRAINEE

I was a driver's trainee,

When it was pour down rainy,

I hit the brake,

Slid, hit the lake,

After going through the fence called chainy.

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THE BUG SLURPER

Leonardo the squirrel, ate bugs, never nuts,

Leo didn't like the chewing, he'd rather slurp guts,

And the tastiest slurps,

Came from bugs that had chirps,

Leo avoided bugs that had bad smelling butts.

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RANDY HAD BRANDY

There once was a sweet rabbit named Randy,

He delivered baskets full of candy,

Randy hopped into a lion,

Randy took off home, just flyin',

That night he had a nightcap of Brandy.

MUDPUPPY AND THE BASS

There was a mudpuppy that got stuck in the mud,

She struggled real hard, but was stuck deep in the crud,

A hero did pass,

It was a rock bass,

The bass freed the pup and they ate worms and a sud.

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RON THE MASTODON

With my bestest friends, Bill and Dave,

We went exploring in a cave,

We found a Mastodon,

We named him Ron,

He was bones, it was his grave.

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IDES ARE BORING, I'M MOVING TO GRAWN

The Ides of March have come and gone,

Old Caesar's curse has been a yawn,

Maybe next year,

The earth won't be here,

Or, maybe I'll retire to Grawn.

THE RABBIT AND THE BEAR

The rabbit with the candy basket, was being chased by the bear,

The poor rabbit had candy falling from the basket, everywhere,

The bear was gaining fast,

The rabbit would not last,

The bear would get the candy, and the meat under the rabbit hair.

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FROM EASTER BUNNIES TO BEES

There were two little white bunnies, and they each ate too much tasty cheese,

They could not go to the bathroom, and felt a real general unease,

To make their bowels quicken,

They ate some tainted chicken,

Their bodies I used to feed my flowers, and the flowers feed the bees.

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THE HAPPY EASTER BUNNIES

Bunnies were doing their business, right outside my screen door,

One thing that's true about bunnies, they are always making more,

The bunnies and me,

Let each other be,

Except the ones that are roadkill, become my main winter store.

MY SPACE/TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN LIMERICK

My time/space machine just broke right down,
I spilled my beer and the darn thing shorted queen's royal crown,
It will  just not start,
It won’t blink or spit a fart,
I guess I’m stuck in this miserable earthling smelling town.

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PETER THE PASTA POET

Peter was a rare pasta poet,
He rhymed linguini and did not know it,
He once rhymed spaghetti,
With a monster called Yeti,
But, with an audience he would blow it.

Write poetry about pasta and have it rhyme,
Peter tried but he failed almost every time,
He rearranged his words,
Messed up his verbs,

Pasta poetry didn't make him a dime.  

32724

BIG FISH ON A SPINNER RIG

I caught a fish that was so big,

On a nightcrawler-spinner rig,

"It was the biggest fish ever," cried every voter,

That's why I cleaned it using my boat motor,

So, the big fish I caught with a spinner,

Was so big I invited all to a dinner,

At the end of the meal there was left just the head,

And, those that were there were contented and fed,

Of course I would have gone out to catch more fish with my rig,

But, I had run out of nightcrawlers and was too tired to dig,

So, I had to wait for the crawlers to come up in the rain,

Alas, we were in a dry spell with no rain on the plain.   

81918

MY ROOMMATE IS A PIG POEM

My roommate lives on the dole,
He never sweeps the floor,
He never cleans the toilet bowl,
Or, flushes anymore,

My roommate lives just day to day,
He never has a job,
The rent he'll never help to pay,
He is just a big fat slob,

My roommate is just not all there,
He'll never get a gig,
What people think he does not care,
My roommate is a pig,

Don't find roommates on the Internet,
You'll be real sorry if you do,
Online roommates will make you upset,
The day they move in you will rue.

33017

THE HENRY TRIED WRINKLE CREAM POEM AND HAIKU

POEM
Henry tried some wrinkle cream,
Upon the button on his belly,
It made his button really red,
Like a lump of raspberry jelly,

Poor Henry, his button is still all wrinkled,
And, the cream had burned him soar,
Now, his face is drawn and crinkled,
Because, the pain he could bear, no more.

HAIKU
Vain Henry, wrinkled,
Belly Button, wrinkle cream,
Ouch, burns, still wrinkled.

11823

BILLY AND THE B

Billy was out swinging beneath an old tree,

He swung so high he got stung by a bad bee,

He gave a bee nest a tap,

The nest fell on Billy's lap,

He's in ICU; I can't get in to see.

32724

MY SCORPION IS IN A BETTER PLACE, THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS

My pet scorpion was killed, when someone crushed him with a big rock,

I spent all day complaining to all my followers on Tic Toc,

Someone sent a message that was sound,

The kind of message to bring me round,

Seems my scorpion is in heaven, being treated by a doc.

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I FED MY FAMILY INFLATION BUGS

The price of groceries had gotten so darn high,

Was with jitter bugs and weeds, I made my stir fry,

The food was so bad,

The family got mad,

They puked all night long, and said I was a bad dad.

32724

MARCO GOT BANNED

Marko is very bitter,

Since he's been banned from Twitter,

A down toilet seat omiter,

His hair is all green glitter,

He is a doggy sitter.

32724

BAD RABBIT

There was a crazy rabbit that painted chicken eggs,

He'd run around and leave them, between old ladies legs,

Someone set a rabbit trap,

That ended the rabbit app,

Now the bunny is caged, and for carrots, all day begs.

CHILDREN VS NOT LIMERICK

Whimper, whimper my little brats,
 I should have stayed single and just kept some cats,
 I could manage their poop,
 With just a big scoop,
Pooped diapers are more expensive than flats.

112718

DADDY SELLS MEDICAL SUPPLIES, AND MOMMY WANTS HER CUT

Daddy sells appendages like human fingers and human toes,

Surprising what rich people pay, for a pretty human nose,

Organs are where the money's at,

My mommy tells my daddy that,

Mommy has gotten more involved, as daddy's business grows.

DADDY SELLS MEDICAL.SUPPLIES II

Daddy bought and sold things, like human lungs and human hearts,

There's a lot of old rich people needing many new parts,

There was an old man in Sydney,

He needed a fresh, new kidney,

Daddy won one from our neighbor, in a game of lawn jarts. 

MY DADDY SOLD MEDICAL SUPPLIES

"Whatever floats their boat",

Was daddy's favorite quote,

He went up the river,

Sold kidneys and liver,

Delivered in a dry ice filled tote.

THE WASHED AWAY CITY

A sudden massive, storm downpour washed my  city away,

I floated amongst parts of buildings in Saginaw Bay,

Then out of the dark,

Comes this big giant shark,

I kicked him square in the nose, and saved my bacon that day.

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WHERE ARE THE BLOOMING SPRING FLOWERS?

I went out looking for new blooming spring flowers,

All I came across were snow drifts and snow showers,

Although springtime is here,

The flowers I fear,

I will find them in weeks and not hours.

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NO.TRESSPASSING UNLESS THERE'S A BEAR

My neighbors and I signed some treaties, 

No one can trespass with their feeties,

Unless chased by a bear,

Then no one will care,

If chased, you'll wish you had your Wheaties.

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THE SERPENT UNDER THE ROCK

There was a poison filled serpent underneath a pretty granite rock,

I thought I'd find a stick and clobber him, and record it for Tik Tok,

Then the serpent slithered toward me,

Bit me just below my bad knee,

As I lay crying, dying, the nasty serpent danced around, to mock.

32624

FOUR FEET WENT BACK TO SCHOOL

On the first day of school I found I had four feet,

And, they wouldn't fit under a two foot seat,

Then, I got everyone's stare,

For my four feet were bare,

But, I knew I was dreaming when my lunch I didn't eat. 

COYOTE HUNGRY

Coyotes are after my little terror dog,

They may well get him, because he sleeps like a dead log,

I made my doggy wear bells,

And some skunk pee that smells,

Now my dear doggy is free to hike, sleep, dance or jog.

32624

HAPPY CAMPER KELLY

Kelly the happy camper, camps up north in the early springs,

Kelly roasts marshmallows, and does other happy camper things,

Sometimes he catches little fish,

Breaks their small bones, and makes a wish,

When Kelly is done breaking fish bones, he sits around and sings.

32524

THE BEN MADE BISMARKS LIMERICK

Ben made bismarks until he was fired,
He didn't use the filling that was required,
It was such a big  waste,
He filled bismarks with toothpaste,
It was not the filling the public desired.

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CLAUDIUS THE CLOWN IS SAD

Claudius the clown, was a very, very stupid man,

He could not learn to tie his shoes, nor open a Spam can,

It was said, Claudius the clown,

Couldn't tell a smile from a frown,

He got fired by the circus, and got a lifetime ban.

THERE WAS A PIG NAMED ROCKET

There was a pink pig named rocket,
One eyeball didn't fit in it's socket,
It kept popping out,
It would land on his snout,
He'd put it away in his pocket.

33114

BANKING, FRANKING, THE MARKETS AND ME

I lost my money in shadow banking,
While the markets rose my account was tanking,
Of course when the markets eroded,
My account  then imploded,
Now, I invest in collectible franking.

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MY SOCCER CAREER ENDS WITH PAIN

I got a terrible concussion,
Playing soccer against the team of the Prussian,
I took a ball to the brain,
But, I felt little pain,
As off to the hospital I went rushin'.

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