PORCH PIRATE HIDE AND SEEK

I spied a pirate on my porch, and he was a sneak,

Before he grabbed my package, he took a gallon leak,

It was the pirate's fate,

The package had great weight,

The pirate could not run fast, and will play justice hide and seek.

PORCH PIRATES ARE REAL, AND THEY KNOW HOW TO STEAL

I caught a porch pirate stealing and he laughed and said, "Aye, Aye,"

Then he grabbed all my packages, and ran saying, "Bye, Bye,"

Then he got into his car,

Drove off to lands distant and far,

I then told all the family, and they went "Cry, Cry."

THE POISONOUS MUSHROOM DIRGE

Poisonous Mushrooms,
Take, bake, intake, forsake,
Bellyache, quake, wake.

SHOES, SOCKS AND STOCKS

I do not have two shoes that fit,

Nor, even matching socks,

For I lost all my money,

When, I put it all in stocks,

My broker told me to buy this and that,

And, blindly I obeyed,

As he became commission fat,

My wallet became thinner as I paid,

Soon, I had no money,

Alas, I even lost my house,

I had to give up my dog Sonny,

When, divorced became my spouse,

  

Now, at least my broker is doing well,

He invested in real estate,

He bought an upscale hotel,

Now, on easy street he'll skate.  

THE LOG IN MY COFFEE

In my cup of coffee I spotted a log,
When I examined it closer I saw a big polliwog,
Then, he said to me,
"I don't like coffee; make tea,"
So, I tossed the ingrate to my hungry dog.

LIL Limerick

There was a sweet lady named Lil,
She worked down at the bar and grill,
She'd do as you please,
With more onions and cheese,
Her burgers were just such a thrill.

I'VE BEEN VANISHED FROM SOCIAL MEDIA, WHO CARES

I was banned from Twitter for saying fake stuff,

Like the moon is pudding and Mars is just made of fluff,

So, for such political wars,

My enemies have evened scores,

So, I'll go on to live on the rough.

MY PET BAT PICKED BAD FRIENDS

My pet bat is loaded with lice,

He hangs out too much with field mice,

Having really bad friends,

Has led my bat to bad ends,

So, before making new friends he'll think twice.
 

THE THRILL OF THE GRILL

I fired up my old rusty gas grill,

Thought for the holiday I'd cook up a thrill,

I cooked burgers and wieners,

For my juveniles and seniors,

And my grilling made everyone ill. 

THE PINK BALLOON

My pink balloon popped in midair,🎈

It gave a bluebird quite the scare,🐦

So, it dropped some poop,

On my front stoop,

Whilst, I was sitting there. 🙄

THE LIGHTNING STRIKE LIMERICK

There came up a lightning storm,

In my country that is the norm,

But, lightning hit me in the head, 

I saw colors green, turquoise and red,

I passed out cold though the lightning was warm.  

THE PONY TAIL PIG

A poke-a-dot pig with a long ponytail,
Would dance until the all floor joists would fail,
She went on a long cruise,
For food, dancing and booze,
But, her weight sank the ship before it set sail.

POOR PUTTY CAT

I spread some tuna on a stick,

But it fell off before I could lick,

The fish drips hit the ground,

And without making a sound,

The cat ate it and then he got sick.

POLO FACE

I went to play polo and go poloed in my face

It hurt really bad, and I got a face brace,

I looked underneath,

And out dropped all my teeth,

And I thought boy, I've got a court case.

THE TITMOUSE PIRATE

The little titmouse flew out to sea,

And boarded a ship in the Pirate Navy,

With the captain to thank,

The titmouse moved up in rank,

To Midshipman in charge of gunnery. 

THE BIG HAIRY DOG LIMERICK

The big hairy dog that lives down the street,

Ran through my garden with his great big feet,

He tore up my pickle vines,

I observed those sad signs,

This year I'll get no pickles to eat.

THERE WAS AN OLD LADY IN KALKASKA

There was an old lady in Kalkaska,
Her kids all moved to Nebraska,
But, once they came home,
They didn’t want to roam,
Nebraska was too cold like Alaska.

WRONG BAKED BREAD

I baked some bread, but baked it wrong,

You cannot break it unless, you are Kong,

I wanted the bread to harden fast,

So, I used cement from yard projects past,

The bread could be a perch for a bird with a song. 

THE HANSEL AND GRETEL HOODS TALE

Hansel and Gretel went out into the woods,

They went to steal the witch's fresh cookie goods,

But they weren't so lucky,

They were educated in Kentucky,

And tracked the wolf from the Red Riding Hoods.

WHEN THE BEAR BENDS

Bears like to eat people, that's why I have no friends,

My friends went into bear bellies, and came out in piles of twists and bends,

So I decided to befriend bears,

One of my gravest errors,

Now I'm a pile in the forest, and that's where my story ends.

A BANANA MUTED MY TOOT

My trumpet, I tried and tried to make toot,
It didn't work because it was stuffed with a fruit,
It seems my dear nanna,
Didn't like her banana,
The fruit fit my trumpet but not grandpa's flute.

I MET A MONSTER AT THE BARE BEACH

I went to the beach, but nobody was there,

Except for a monster, looking vicious with scare,

I asked, "where'd everyone go?"

The monster replied, "I don't know!

I ate all swimmers, that's why the beach is so bare"

I WENT EXTINCT FEEDING A BEAR

My species went extinct today,

Now I have no one with whom to play,

I found a bear,

But he didn't care,

He ate and swallowed me anyway.

THE SHARKS I CAN LIVE WITH

My swimming pool is all full of sharks,

One snapped at my dog, now my dog bark, bark, barks,

The family disappeared,

I found it quiet and weird,

But I got the house to myself from the dawns through the darks.

WORMS AND BUGS AND PORK AND BEANS, I SCHEMED

I have been looking for pork sausage all day,

It's pricey, and I can't cover it with my low pay,

But with worms and katydids

I'll ground sausage for the kids,

I schemed me pork and beans, but it gang aft a-gley.

PARTYING WITH THE SUPERNATURALS

When the hobgoblins were about to sing,

I knew the elf evils would do their thing,

It was sort of a dance,

Maybe, more of a prance,

Then the black bell in the gnome cathedral, would ring.

MY SISTER GIVES HAIRCUTS

My sister gives haircuts, oh dear, oh dear,
She'll steady her hand for a six pack of beer,
Or when she gets through,
You'll know nightmares come true,
Unless,  away from your reflection you steer.

TODD BOUGHT A CASTLE LIMERICK

                                         
Todd bought an old castle big and gray,                       But, it was drafty and dirty so, his wife wouldn't stay,   She rode off with the horse,                                         The two got a divorce,                                            Now, Todd has castle parties all night and all day.

THREE LITTLE SHREWS

There were three little shrews,
They tried wearing each others shoes,
One shrew’s feet were too fat,
Another shrew’s feet were flat,
The third shoved size four feet into twos.

DEMON SIT

There were old devils in the pit,

And they were taken a demon sit,

They cast their spells,

On Cosmic elves,

Then once done, they split.

THE CHICKEN COUP RETIREMENT FUND

I have a chicken coup full of trash bags, full of cans,

It's my retirement, and I have really big plans,

Down at the town called Old Hollars,

I'll convert them to a fist full of dollars,

Then I'll buy me a new set of pans.

SQUIRREL POX AND THE EMPIRE OF SQUIRREL

The squirrels took over the world,

They spread disease, and all humans hurled,

The plague did humans in,

It was biology, not sin,

With humans gone, the squirrel flag was unfurled.

I CAUGHT SOME PHOTONS WITH MY NOSE

I caught some photons on my nose,

They burned real bad like no one knows,

My sunscreen failed,

The SPF bailed,

Now I suffer with nose woes.

PETER PAM, FRIEND FAILURE

In high school I knew Peter Pam,

He got good grades because for tests he'd cram,

But when it came to being nice,

His comments would deep slice,

So he got an "F" on the friendship exam.

HOW DICK AND SALLY EAT

Sally was an herbivore,
She ate bark and twigs and leaves,
She tried eating a wild boar,
That gave her stomach heaves,

Her boyfriend Dick really loved to eat,
He ate until his belly was soar,
But, Dick ate no plant food, he only ate meat,
Dick was a raging carnivore,

When Dick and Sally had a son,
Both of their feelings were slightly tore,
They were glad their child was having fun,
But, he was a voracious omnivore.

A JOB OR A DITCH, I MUST CHOOSE WHICH

Slushy snow is all I know, and the world has turned to ice,

On icy roads I cannot go for my tires have caught ditches thrice,

I'll soon be on skidrow,

If I pay for one more tow,

But, if I skip work I'll suffer woe since my boss is not so nice.

MY DEER HUNTING RIFLE WOULD NOT SHOOT

My deer hunting rifle would not shoot,
When I pulled the trigger it went "Toot!  Toot!"
So, I guess this year,
I'll just drink beer,
And, earn my title as an old coot.

MY RIVER DANCE

I went to do a river dance, and I almost drowned,

The river swept me off my feet, and twisted me round and round,

Then when I thought my body was free,

I was 14 miles out to sea,

I screamed and hollered until sharks came, when they left I made no sound.

DIRT NAP OR MASK

I didn't wear a mask because I didn't believe in germs,

Now, I'm down in the ground feeding all kinds of worms,

My new ghost has one task,

To preach, "Wear A Mask,

For dirt naps are a sentence with infinity terms."

I MISS MY ST. BERNARD

I saw a little cougar,
Playing in my yard, 
He only weighed 200 pounds,
But, he ate my St. Bernard,

I miss my great big dog,
I'm serious you see,
Because now that my dog is gone,
The cougar is eating me.  

THERE WAS A SPIDER NAMED NELLIE

There once was a spider named Nellie,
She liked to eat toast with her jelly,
The home owners went away,
She ate toast and jelly all day,
That's why she has a big belly.

MY PET GOLDFISH AND MY SOUL

Rita was my pet fish,

She lived in my pet fish bowl,

And, although Rita was just a goldfish,

She was mated to my soul,

Rita lived in just a fish bowl,

But, to Rita it was a sea,

And, Rita only had to show those big fish eyes,

To get most anything from me,

I bought Rita lots of play toys,

Like a plastic clam and a porcelain bell,

I even bought her a harmonica,

And, she learned to play it well,

Then, one day Rita passed away,

She got stuck in the porcelain bell,

And, I had a tiny fish fry,

Then, Rita's things I had to sell.

ODE TO THE CHOCOLATE GLAZED DOUGHNUT

My dearest doughnut all chocolate glazed,
Missing you has made me crazed,
Powdered sugar and sprinkles,
Won't smooth out doughnut wrinkles,
Chocolate glaze is what has me amazed.

I FLOCKED MY GRANDFATHER CLOCK, AN INVESTMENT POEM

I was at the end of my dock,

When I knocked over my grandfather clock,

It feel on some ducks in a flock,

They climbed up onto a rock,

And sang a chorus of Bach,

It was me they were trying to mock,

So I went home and did a short sale of stock.

I'M DECEAST

I have this big pet beast,

And he's expecting a big feast,

But all I have is yeast,

That's what he likes the least,

He ate me, now I'm deceast.

I STOOD UP TO A TOAD AND GOT GRILLED

I was standing toe to toad,

Out in the center of the road,

Then along came a semi,

On it's grill, I'm a stuck guy,

I'm sure the toad is in a ha, ha, ha mode.

The Little Tit Did Mozart's Magic

The little tit had it's toot,

Chirping out The Magic Flute,

It did not depart

From original Mozart,

But the owl didn't give a hoot.

THE UNDER-THE-BED BOOGIEMAN LIMERICK

There is a nasty boogieman who lives under my bed,

He likes to chew on my old shoes and bop me in the head,

I know he is a dirty stinker,

But he's friends with my blabby cat, Tinker,

So to keep peace I keep my complaints unsaid.

MY PARAKEET LOVES ELVES

My parakeet ate six little elves,

She cornered them on the book shelves,

She said, "they taste very, very good",

As she crunched a head wearing a hood,

" Instead of six, I wish I had Twelve."

DONNY'S STICKY FINGERS

Donny's fingers were all sticky,

Because he made cookie dough and did a finger licky

Of course he's a gross dude,

And at best, he's called crude,

His kin should give him a !little butt kicky.

ELVES

Some elves live underneath my street,

They came and ate my parakeet,

She was nice and she was sweet,

I miss her melodic tweet,

I never thought of her, as meat.

TOM ATE HONEY UNTIL HE SMELLED LIKE A BEE

Tom ate honey until he smelled like a bee,
Which attracted the bears from every county,
Tom feared a bad beaten,
But instead he was eaten,
By a bear who had just ate a Mountie.

THE SPACECRAFT BACK SEAT DRIVER

BENNY, BUGS, BEARS AND SNUGS

Benny don't like the woods cause it's full of biting bugs,

And there's lots of hairy bears that squeeze him with bear hugs,

Benny likes to stay inside,

From bugs and bears, he then can hide,

Then with his blue blanket, Benny caresses it and snugs.

MARY PARTED COMPANY BECAUSE IT WAS BAD

Junior was smart, but an awfully slow starter,

Marie was faster and an whole lot smarter,

Junior got the job,

Though he was a slob,

So from the company, Marie was a parter.

MY DOGGIE, RACCOON AND THE MOON

Down from the sky came a great, round moon,

It ate my dog and pet raccoon,

It said it was going away,

Be back in 30 day,

Next time it wanted pie, macaroon. 

MY FRIEND CHARTREUSE

My friend was a booger named chartreuse,

He was born in a nose and then came loose,

He lived 40 years,

Under an eyeball, catching tears,

He was buried with his maker when his maker got the noose.

 

MAN EATERS

If you do not fastly swim,

Then your chances are near grim,

For in Michigan waters,

Live man eater otters,

Best chance is if you're fast and you're slim.

CONES AND BONES

I sat on top of a tombstone,
While licking my ice cream cone,
The cone came from a odd host,
It was the graveyard's  top ghost,
And, in the cone was his own finger bone.

THE RUBBER DUCK FESTIVAL IN BELLAIRE

The festival of the rubber ducks,

It's not for the gobbles or the cluck, clucks,

It's just for quackers,

Down pillow packers,

On the menu, roast quackers, lacking lucks.