VOLTAIRE THE GOAT

Voltaire was a goat placed into my care,
From the cloths line he ate the kings underwear,
No undies meant the king got cold,
He got angry, so I was told,
The late king tried to butt heads with Voltaire.

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THE WARM FEELING OF MYSTERY MEAT

I go down to the Butcher's and buy "mystery meat",

They won't tell me what it is, but its real cheap to eat,

You can taste the hot pepper spice,

Burns tongue and belly, so burns twice,

It's high in calories, warming nose and hands and feet. 

THE FIT IN (2026)

I am sociopathic, and it inspires me to both dance and sing,

When I hear of tragedy for others, I hear the bells of joy, Ding,Ding!

It is very popular and cool,

To bask in this world of cruel,

Especially, when great cruelty brings, a treasure chest of coin and bling.

I LOST MY BROS WHILE RAFTING, OH WELL

My bros and I went rafting down the river, and we hit a great, big rock,

I was very surprised, but my mates were all thrown overboard, by the shock,

My mates they could not find,

I hate to sound unkind,

I kept my head; I went home for supper, and watched the news at 6 o'clock.

WITCHES MAKE ME ITCHY

I went into the woods and ran into three witches,

I said I couldn't stop and chat because my back really itches,

Then, they told me "what's worse?

Is your new itchy curse,"

So, I scratched so bad I got stitches. 

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TOM ATE HONEY UNTIL HE SMELLED LIKE A BEE

Tom ate honey until he smelled like a bee,
Which attracted the bears from every county,
Tom feared a bad beaten,
But instead, he was eaten,
By a bear who had just ate a Mountie.

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BRYAN THE MEAN ON HALLOWEEN

Bryan has an old Halloween soul,

He lives in a furnace with hot coal,

When it becomes Halloween,

Bryan goes out to be seen,

Scaring trick-or-treaters, his mean goal.

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JIMMY THIRTY-FIVE TOES DOES HALLOWEEN

Jimmy Thirty-five toes does not dress up for Halloween,

Jimmy goes barefoot, so his many toesies can be seen,

Jimmy definitely knows,

As his story grows and grows,

Jimmy will get more candy; the amount will be obscene.

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THERE WAS A RABBIT NAMED RANDY

There was a rabbit named Randy,
He only ate Halloween candy,
He got really big,
Now he oinks like a pig,
And drowns his sorrows with brandy.

There was a rabbit named Randy,
His fur was salty and sandy,
He gained lots of weight,
So, he couldn't get a date,
It's a good thing that Randy is handy.

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HARVEST MOON OF THE CRITTERS AND WITCHES

We had wicked lizards and crazed witches, dancing, when the harvest, got mooned,

It's the year end event, when the fall colors,  the forest fairies festooned,

For us critters, here is the thing, 

We dead sleep, until the warm spring,

We will regenerate in our caves, in our holes, and in our wraps, cocooned.

I CREATED A MULTIVERSE WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

When I time travel the universe splits apart,

Into one that I've changed and one that's the same from my start,

So with this time travel curse,

I've created a multiverse,

This would really hurt my brain if I were smart.

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THE SOUNDS AND SMELLS OF MY FANCY CANARY

My fancy canary bird did not go chirp,

All the feather duster did was fart and burp,

Some say he was smart,

Learning how to fart,

My cat ate the bird; I won't punish the perp.

I WALKED 6-7 MILES TO SEE MY COUSIN AND AUNT CORA

I walked 6-7 miles to visit with my dear, Aunt Cora,

She slapped some stakes upon the grill for me and her cute daughter, Dora,

Our picnic on the deck,

Became a rainy wreck,

6-7 hours passed, then the rain quit watering the flora.

6-7 TIMES A DAY, I ANTI-WISH FOR WINTER, AND PRO-WISH FOR MAY

It was the big dilly, the dilly part of my dilly day,

Been dream wishing in late October, I could wakeup in May,

I am The Great Vegan,

I hale from Muskegon,

I wish all Michigan winters, would head far north of my way.

SPRING SOL AND THE BUG EGG KEEPER

Bugs have entered my long beard, and their winter eggs, they have laid,

The bugs know their eggs are safe, until Spring Sol contact is made,

I am the Bug Egg Keeper,

A super hero sleeper,

I guard the eggs with my life; don't expect to ever be paid.

FALL CORN ROAST WITH MEATS

We rurals  are celebrating the fall, by a mass roasting of corn,

Some want a pig, but I've been hungry for veal, since that new calf was born,

We roasted both farm creatures,

Allowed two main course features,

With ears of corn and two meats, every paper plate, was well adorned.

FAILED AUTHOR UNLOADS FOR 6-7 YEARS

I once wrote a romantic, gothic novel; it never saw the light of day,

I sent it to a publisher, he shredded my work, and sent it back, my way,

My weak heart was so broke,

My pillow got a soak,

I got a job in retail unloading trucks, for 6-7 years, I'd say..

IT WAS 6-7 DAYS

It took me a total of 6-7 days,

To find a local job, that in real money, pays,

Down at the local sand beach,

I'm now called, "volleyball teach",

I get paid in fast cash, plus I soak up sun rays.

TILLY, THE ACTION-ADVENTURE DOG

Late, last night, I saw Old Tilly, Old Tilly, the hopping hound dog,

He still looks green from last year, when he ate that poisonous frog,

The dogs wretched, dire fate,

Caused by a dare from his date,

Old Tilly spends his time chewing flies, while he sits on a frog, log.

HOPPING POPPING BITES AND ITCHES

 The flea and tick infestations are really bad, this gear,

My significant other is covered from toe to ear,

The little eggs keep popping,

The parasites keep hopping,

I make my significant other, sleep out in their chair.

 

I WAS FIRED, AND MY WIFE LEFT WITH MY STUFF

I use to have a job that pays, but I don't have one anymore,

I use to work half a day, cleaning both the toilets at a store,

I am disappointed, I feel sad,

It was the best job I ever had,

Then my wife singled me, took the furniture, but left me the floor.

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MY STREET APARTMENT IS GONE

The crickets are still chirping, but the air has turned coughing cold,

I'd take me an apartment, but those affordable are sold,

I set up a tent,

While at work, it went,

A garbage truck took it far away, that is what I was told.

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MY FRIEND THE IMPALER, IS KEPT BY A JAILER

I knew this guy, The Impaler, he collected dead bugs,

He got jollies impaling them, because he lacked mommy hugs,

One day he went to jail,

Because his  boyfriend, he tried to impale,

Now he does serious time, weaving baskets and entry rugs.

COLLEGE DEBT LIMERICK II

Jimmy thought education was king, 
He was sure great riches it'd bring,
But, after eight years of college,
And vast quantities of knowledge,
His pockets are empty of bling.

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Tooth Truth

For teeth, there was once was a tube of paste,

It was never touched, and went to waste,

Soon no one had teeth,

They just gumed on their beef, 

It seems not flushing and brushing was decided in haste.

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THE CORN MOON BANCHEE

The Corn Moon rises up into the September sky,

Forest monsters are dancing, and weird pumpkins, they fly,

The great pigs we baste and roast,

Feeding any passing ghost,

While just this side of the Moore's, there's a lone banshe cry.

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FROM DUST TO DILL

 Before the quaint, horse drawn wagon, climbed the old mill road hill,

It was loaded with dry, ancient saw dust, from the old mill,

For apartments, the mill property had been acquired,

All the employees, young and old,  were instantly fired,

The last asset, saw dust, was bought by a farm, growing dill.

FEEDING BIRDS HAIKU

Garden, Spading, Worms,
Birds, Squirmy, Meals, Yummy, Good,
Mowing Lawn, Bugs, Birds.

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TAP DANCE PEG

Beautiful Banjo Bob had a knobby, hardwood, beech, peg leg,   

It did not line up with his foot, so his walking was irreg,

When he was on the tap dance floor,

His fans would cheer and yell, "encore", 

Banjo Bob always did encores, when his audience would beg

A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON NAMED BOB

A fire breathing dragon named bob,
Would only eat corn on the cob,
What he liked most?
Was to give it a toast,
Then scarf the corn down like a slob.

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DATES: A NATURAL PERFORMANCE ENHANCING FOOD, FOR POGO STICKING

 Big Hank, he be nimble on the competitive pogo stick,

Hank's massive body will pogo down hard, then bounces up quick,

Hank fuels up with dried, dates,

Sticky dates on porcelain plates,

Hank will pogo all day long, while his sticky fingers, he'll lick.

WILLOW WOOD IN THE RASPBERRIES

 There was a willow growing in my raspberries, and it was getting real big,

I went and sharpened my best shovel, and for the roots, I began to deep dig,

The tangled roots, I chopped out,

Filled the hole, and drank a stout,

I cut the whole tree into firewood, and next summer it will roast my pig.

HAMELET THE DIPSY DIVER SWIMS FAST

Hamlet was a shy dipsy diver bug,
He'd dive if he caught a glimpse of your mug,
He'd swim ten foot away,
Before you could say,
"He must use a performance enhancing drug."

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GROCERY DIRECT

 My groceries were delivered, direct from the big store,

Some pops were broken open, and that made me really sore,

The pop soaked my cheddar cheese,

That brought me to my bare knees,

And, the pop soaked into my breads, now my breads are no more.

HALLOWEEN EGGS

 My teacher, the incredible, Mr. Bells,

Teaches hypnosis, conjuring and spells,

He turned me into a pheasant,

That was not very pleasant,

I laid chocolate eggs, filled with red jells.

TORMENTED BY THE BLUE FOG FARIES

There be a clan of fairies, who live down by the bog,

They buzz around my head, in nights pitch thick, with blue fog,

They have pulled out much of my hair,

I've got bald spots, everywhere,

Once home, I kill the sharp pains, with two pints of red grog.  

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TRY A TIRE MIX FOR YOUR NEXT DINNER PARTY

I was told my cousin had food from a beast,

So, I went to Grayling for the great feast,

It was a rodent from the road,

Tire mixed with a toad,

And, some snake which I liked the least.

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IN CAME THE WATER AND DOWN WENT THE FLOOR

I bought a trailer between a river and a lake,

The property flooded and I had water intake,

Finally, the water left out the door,

But, caved in went the floor,

Methinks my property buy a mistake.

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FISHING IN THE NOW AND CLEANING DIRTY HANDS

My bucket is full of minnows, and my can is full of worms,

My lunchbox is full of candy; my hands are covered with germs,

I am fishing in my boat,

Eating candy while afloat,

I wash my hands off in the lake; they are clean, my eye confirms.

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MY GUPPY HAD BABIES

My guppy had babies; it's so very nice to see,

She'll go back to her friends when she leaves maternity,

The babies move slow,

But, they'll be safe and can grow,

For mamas are hungry and can get quite naughty.  

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SOMEONE ATE MY CHICKENS LIMERICK

Someone ate all of my chickens last night,
The only trace found were feathers, all white,
It must be the bear,
He left his tracks there,
And, he gave my truck tires a bite.  

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APPLES IS FOR PIGS, PIGS IS FOR DINOSAURS

My dinosaur was accused of eating the neighbor's apple pie,

But, my dinosaur is a carnivore, and eating fruit ain't fly,

Now my dino sits in jail,

I got no money for his bail,

I hope they feed him lots of pigs, without pig meat he will cry.

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THE CLOWN WITH GINGIVITIS

The happy fat clown had gingivitis,
His smile could no longer delight us,
He was fired today,
Given no severance pay,
On the way out, he tried to bite us.

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FARE THEE WELL MY PUMPKIN PATCH

Fare thee well my Pumpkin Patch,

May you  grow pumpkins that I might hatch,

So that I might take the seeds,

For on such yields my family feeds,

And, some seeds to sow next season's batch. 

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SAGA OF THE NINETY-NINE MINNOWS

Ninety-nine minnows swam way out to sea,
Then along came a shark, and then there were three,
Out of those ninety-nine minnows, three swam back toward the shore,
Then, along came a bass, and he ate one more,
The last two little minnows decided to date,
They made ninety-nine minnows, and I caught them for

 bait. 

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12 SKUNKIES

 Twelve skunks moved to Midland Michigan, from a town called Montreal,

They all moved to Michigan, because hula hooping was their call,

In Michigan, we hula hoop,

Some folks skipping, both food and poop,

These twelve skunks, will fit in, so we'll let them hula hoop, through our mall.

GRADUATE AND FIND OUT

I went to a senior party, near the lake, and the piers,

We built a big fire, so we'd have light to find our beers,

It was long past our graduation day,

But, we were not happy, in any way,

We were now all done with school, and had unemployment fears.

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FISH TONS AND NOT TO BE

How many, many tons of salty fish, are in the whole sea?

That was the question that really bothered, the brain cells in me,

I couldn't sleep at night,

My fingernails, I'd bite,

Then when I died,  the question was what is meant by not to be?

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THREE LITTLE GRAY MICE LIMERICK

There once were three little gray mice,
They tunneled deep beneath the ice,
They ran into a red fox,
Who liked mice with his lox,
He served them in a side dish with rice.

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TRINA'S NEW, FUN HOBBY

 Trina walked on the shore, picking up dead, stinky fish, pee-you,

She left one in her mommy's new car, and daddy's pickup, too,

She left one under brother's bed,

He did not notice, enough said,

She fed the worst one to her cat, it was just bones, scales and goo.

BFF BLUE PIG

My bestie, blue pig, got all covered with the mud,

I set him down in a tub of hot soapy sud,

He let on a big, loud squeal,

Like a braked Chevy wheel,

The water was too hot, and boiled my best bud.

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TENT CAMPING WITH TILDA

Tilda the Tent kept everyone warm,

Tilda kept heads dry during the thunderstorm,

The lightning came free,

Striking both tent posts and me,

Tilda the tent was now in rag form.

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WHEN I MET AN AMOEBA MONSTER LIMERICK

I had a really bad, bad fright,
It was a weird monster I met one night,
It was a green Amoeba,
It's name was Reba,
I think my eyeballs weren't screwed in right. 

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THE CASE OF THE CRACK IN SPACE

When I was trekking out in deep, dark space,

My spacecraft battery got a crack in its case,

But, all was just fine,

I ordered a new one online,

It was delivered the next day, Ace! 

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THIS IS THE LAST YEAR, I'M GOING SURFING IN THE FALL

Today, I went Fall surfing, and ooh, the water, it was so cold,

I progressed along my age timeline, 100 years; I feel old,

Now I have a big, healthy cough,

It's pneumonia; I feel off,

I've just been measured for a casket, and I'm told my house is sold.

FAT CALORIES ARE BETTER THAN NO CALORIES

 I went to the grocery store, hoped to buy a giant can of beans,

I've got 15, very heavy kids to feed, and 9 of them are teens,

I was ready to load my van,

But, the store only had one can,

I fried the beans in chicken fat; the kids will have to live within means..

GOURD SEASON IS UPON US

 I went out to my fall squash garden, and picked my precious gourds,

The bad ones will fatten my pigs, the good ones, I'll dry and hoards,

When they are dried hard and clean,

I'll sell them at Halloween,

Last year at the Fall Festival, I won the most gourd awards.

JIMMY AND THE WINTER BURST

There was a twisting snownado that froze Jimmy's pipes,

The family couldn't flush the toilet, after their wipes,

It all made Jimmy mad,

His pipes froze, really bad,

Then all of his pipes burst, and his family had gripes.

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TRANSPORTATION WOES

My used, old car broke down, while I traveled the highway today,

It's underneath an overpass, where it will forever stay,

Someone might steal it for parts,

Then sell the parts to car marts,

I cannot afford a new car, so it's bus riding each way.

DENISE AND BACON LIMERICKS

There was a girl named Denise,
Her favorite food was bacon grease,
As for the bacon,
She found it chewy and forsaken,
But, the tasty aspects of grease gave her peace.

Denise loved her bacon grease, it is true,
She liked to sniff it like model airplane glue,
With her sister's she'd wage war,
During breakfast and times more,
Denise loved bacon grease, rancid or new.

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